You've been called the worst...your best/worst retort?

[Boris Von Teufel]

I admit I have been an incurable [email protected] for as long as I can remember. I just can't let the opportunity pass if I have the chance to deliver an insult or inappropriate comment. It has cost me friends, jobs, girlfriends, even flesh & blood sometimes. One of my best moments was an interaction with an event planner at Hamburger University, the McDonald's corporate headquarters in suburban Chicago. I was the sound man for a band hired for the event. I arrive at the venue to find I was allotted a single 6' x 8' stage deck for a 5 pc (2 gtr, keys, bass, drums & vox) band. I located one of the house staff and asked for two more decks, which he went to acquire. I started loading in equipment and as staff is about drop my extra staging, I hear shrieking from the planner. She is berating the staff about the larger stage, flower arrangements, and just about anything else she can think of.

I interject myself into the situation and explain the band won't fit on the small stage, but if we move a few tables, the 3 piece deck will fit nicely. She then proceeds to yank a room diagram out her folio millimeters from my face and screams "This is the show. I don't know why all of you people (assuming me & the staff) can't follow directions!" I had enough at that point and countered "Lady, you couldn't fit a 5 piece McNugget on one deck. I don't know what your McProblem is, but I don't have the McTime to deal with you. The McStage is fine where it is. Now drop your McTude or things will get McNasty!"

The catering & house staff had stopped working to view the encounter and much to planner's chagrin, she hound herself to be the object of ridicule. The staff cheered & laughed as she stalked away. I got paid and so did the band. I wonder what became of her? Any memorable moments where you delivered one for the ages?

 

[JL_LI]

Retorts don’t work well when they’re overused, on their target or on those around them. I also find obnoxious behavior by the ladies to be rare.

Retorts:

Do you really think ignorance makes you look smart?

I heard that yesterday. It was foolish then as it is now.

You’ll never get it right when you refuse to see how wrong you are.

You know better than that.

 

[brookdalebill]

One of my wives offered me a piece of her mind, and I told her she couldn’t spare it.
Really.
Ah drama, I don’t miss it.

 

[teletail]

Not exactly an insult, but my father and I went to breakfast and had the worst waiter ever. My father was talking to him and he just turned and walked away. Everything was slow, we we couldn’t get refills on our coffee, just awful. I didn’t have a penny so I left him a nickel for a tip. He brought back and just set it on the counter while I was paying and gave me an insolent look and started to walk away. I said, “You Should give it back mother f——r because your sh—-y service wasn’t worth a nickel.”

You could have heard a pin drop. I’m not a violent man, but I was so mad I think if he had blinked at me I would have dropped him.

 

[Texicaster]

There’s a scene in Shaun of the Dead where one dude or bloke since their Brits call the other a F’ing idiot and his reply is “What’s that supposed to mean?” PERFECT!

I usually resort to “oh yea” then come up with a snappy come back 12 hours later!

 

[gimmeatele]

Not so much and insult but a good retort. I was in a pub in Whitby in the UK, a small fishing town, when I was pushed from behind. I turned to see a guy about six foot six in every direction who said ' because of people like you I have to get on a boat everyday and go to sea fishing' not sure what was going on I simply said ' well in that case get me two packet of fish fingers (fish sticks) while you are out there'.
He looked at me and suddenly roared with laughter and said ' like that, you can drink with me', and we did, he was a great guy and had some fantastic stories of his days as a trawler man, and we parted friends, but I never got my fish fingers!

 

[HoodieMcFoodie]

Here in Australia there's a music trivia show on TV called Rockwiz. 2 teams of three consisting of a celeb/muso and two punters answer music trivia questions. Every so often they take the show on the road and do a show in a regional Australian town. Back in 2017 they came to Tamworth I managed to get onto one of the teams. The show was held in the Town Hall with an audience of about 600 people.

One of the questions was, "Who plays the theme for the Beverly Hillbillies?" I buzz in and answer "Flatt and Scruggs." General applause and scored the point. I buzzed again and said "Lester Flatt and Earl Scruggs." Tex Perkins (Beasts of Bourbon / Tex, Don & Charlie etc.) was the celeb on the other team and says to me, "Don't be a smartarse" to which I retorted, "Why not? Somebody's got to be."

 

[telemnemonics]

Bless you

 

[geoff_in_nc]

 

[Blazer]

I was walking past a Greek restaurant where the smell alone was beckoning me in.

A waitress greeted me and informed me that the tables were all reserved as a big party was about to happen later but that it was possible for me to have something to eat anyway since that party wouldn't be in an hour. So I was shown a table and got the menu card.

And then a nervous and shifty looking guy appeared at my table and asked me if I had reserved in advance, I told him what the waitress just told me at which he got a look on his face which said "Oh no, she shouldn't have said that!"

He began pressuring me to please leave the place for whatever reason, the guests were about to arrive and every table should be for them. I went "Okay man, calm down, I'll go. no problem." Put on my jacket and walked away.

But then that guy welcomed two people in and told them what the waitress just told me, that before the guests would arrive, they could eat anyway and directed them to my table. So having seen that, I raised my voice and said "SO THEY CAN SIT HERE AND EAT AND I CANNOT, EH?"

Instantly that guy became shifty again but I was out of the door before he could say or do anything else.

 

[oldunc]

Wiseassery should generally be tailored to the situation, but that old chestnut "You've got a point but if you wear a hat maybe no one will notice" will usually serve in a pinch.

 

[VWAmTele]

retort:

"I've been called worse by better".

 

[Boreas]

Sometimes, a simple clueless shrug and walking away works for me. Sometimes I get shot in the back.

 

[drlucky]

I had an elderly customer at my library who I had to ask to leave because she was cussing up a blue streak when we were unable to make copies for her (machine was down). She told me to "GO TO H*LL!!" I replied, "I'll be sure to save you a place".

 

[swervinbob]

As usual, on this forum, I can’t say my favorites.

 

[DekeDog]

When a guy told me on facebook my painting sucks, I told him if he thinks that sucks, he should hear my music. (Everybody is a critic. My stuff is not really all that bad.)

 

[Old Deaf Roadie]

I once had an old timer accuse me of placing myself above him intellectually because he accidentally turned off his wireless mic, and topped it off with calling me a “(expletive deleted) long haired rock hippie" for simply turning it back on for him. I actually laughed out loud when I heard it.

 

[Stringbanger]

One of my wives offered me a piece of her mind, and I told her she couldn’t spare it.
Really.
Ah drama, I don’t miss it.

Are you a Mormon?

 

[brookdalebill]

Are you a Mormon?

Nope, only one at a time, 4 times.

 

[39martind18]

While playing a piano bar in Dallas, I probably got off my life's best retort. The "stage" was set up in the middle of seating for the piano bar- no piano, jus the bar. Ennyhoo, to exit the "stage," I had to pass through an opening in the corner of the piano bar. Seated to one side of this opening was a fellow that had a passing resemblance to George Jones. He had made several broad "hints" that he was Jones, but nah! I finished my set, started to exit, and he grabbed my arm, and said," You think you're a good musician?" I turned to the rest of the patrons, and asked, "What do y'all think?" The response was positive from all. The Jones look-a-like responded, "if you're a good musician, then I'm a f'ing idiot!" To which I replied, "When you're right, you're right," and walked away!