You can choose your friends but you can't choose your siblings, parents, overbearing aunts and uncles. You didn't choose your mother. Send her a bill.
You get to choose your friends. But family however...
- Thread starter Nogoodnamesleft
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ReverendRevolver
Friend of Leo's
It's too late to expect her to change, but it's plenty fine to tell her you're not paying for her cat to get put down.
You only get one mom, and you aren't the only person involved in making the relationship work.
I've clashed with my mother more in the last 3 years about her choices and thier impact in my 24 year old sister than I probably have the entire rest of my life.
It's probably fair to your situation to throw some money that way and tell her you're sorry about the cat having to be put down, but its not something you can pay off for her.
Reconciliation of what she did while raising you may never come. People deal with it by not dealing with it or convincing themselves things didn't happen, and sometimes you'd have more luck convincing a random homeless lady that she's your mom, did those things, and should talk it out than getting the actual person to admit it happened. With that said, it's clear that it's not a normal thing to "bill" your child who's been an adult living thier own life for decades because you couldn't afford something.
Do what you're comfortable with financially and as it relates to your relationship with your mother.
That's really the best you're going to do.
You only get one mom, and you aren't the only person involved in making the relationship work.
I've clashed with my mother more in the last 3 years about her choices and thier impact in my 24 year old sister than I probably have the entire rest of my life.
It's probably fair to your situation to throw some money that way and tell her you're sorry about the cat having to be put down, but its not something you can pay off for her.
Reconciliation of what she did while raising you may never come. People deal with it by not dealing with it or convincing themselves things didn't happen, and sometimes you'd have more luck convincing a random homeless lady that she's your mom, did those things, and should talk it out than getting the actual person to admit it happened. With that said, it's clear that it's not a normal thing to "bill" your child who's been an adult living thier own life for decades because you couldn't afford something.
Do what you're comfortable with financially and as it relates to your relationship with your mother.
That's really the best you're going to do.
We choose our friends; we're assigned family.
One time about two years ago, one of my brothers and my nephew swung by to grab a bite to eat with me, when nephew was being moved by his employer to nearby state. One time my dad had dinner with us when he was in this city due to his work, 30+ years ago. One time about 20 years ago, another brother swung by for dinner when he was in town due to his work. That's it. That's all the effort any of them have ever made to come see me and my family, when they were travelling on the company's dime. I go to see them for about 48 hours every 18-24 months. I stay with my parents, and usually see one or both of my surviving brothers, and usually most of the kids (some grown now).... wives being there, hit or miss. There's not a lot of effort to get everyone together when I'm there, and they all live within a 25 mile radius (no exaggeration). The time there is not terrible, but it's also not fun or pleasant either, so I'm not going to go out there any more often than I currently do. And I don't feel bad about it one bit.
Long ago, I stopped bringing/arranging for my wife and daughter to make the trip. They don't like going, they hate it where they live, and they have zero in common with my family other than me. Just the way it is.
Though I don't have much of a relationship with my blood family, I'm very close to my wife's family. There's a reason--I really like to spend time with my wife's family: we have a lot in common and I respect their positions and choices in life. They also all demonstrate that they actually love me, and hell, they're fun to be around too.
One time about two years ago, one of my brothers and my nephew swung by to grab a bite to eat with me, when nephew was being moved by his employer to nearby state. One time my dad had dinner with us when he was in this city due to his work, 30+ years ago. One time about 20 years ago, another brother swung by for dinner when he was in town due to his work. That's it. That's all the effort any of them have ever made to come see me and my family, when they were travelling on the company's dime. I go to see them for about 48 hours every 18-24 months. I stay with my parents, and usually see one or both of my surviving brothers, and usually most of the kids (some grown now).... wives being there, hit or miss. There's not a lot of effort to get everyone together when I'm there, and they all live within a 25 mile radius (no exaggeration). The time there is not terrible, but it's also not fun or pleasant either, so I'm not going to go out there any more often than I currently do. And I don't feel bad about it one bit.
Long ago, I stopped bringing/arranging for my wife and daughter to make the trip. They don't like going, they hate it where they live, and they have zero in common with my family other than me. Just the way it is.
Though I don't have much of a relationship with my blood family, I'm very close to my wife's family. There's a reason--I really like to spend time with my wife's family: we have a lot in common and I respect their positions and choices in life. They also all demonstrate that they actually love me, and hell, they're fun to be around too.
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I am the youngest of six, 4 girls, 2 boys. I ended up abandoning my relationship with 3 of the sisters after they filtered an invitation for my wife to a "sisters-only" weekend after our brother died, completely tone deaf to how that would make me feel, then doubled down on it. Eff them. Toxic is toxic and I am sick of being treated as a small child at age 59. It's been over a decade.
dougstrum
Friend of Leo's
My dad was easy to get along with and we had a great relationship.
My mom on the other hand was a difficult person and could let fly with some hurtful things. Kind of sad because she also had some good qualities as well, but was often hard to be around
She outlived my dad by 14yrs. My wife and I were the only ones to take care of her. Mrs Strum did so much for her yet my mom would bring her to tears, she would shut us out, even though we were her only support.
Had a friend ask why we kept trying.
I said: It's hard to like her but I still love her because she is my mother~
My mom on the other hand was a difficult person and could let fly with some hurtful things. Kind of sad because she also had some good qualities as well, but was often hard to be around
She outlived my dad by 14yrs. My wife and I were the only ones to take care of her. Mrs Strum did so much for her yet my mom would bring her to tears, she would shut us out, even though we were her only support.
Had a friend ask why we kept trying.
I said: It's hard to like her but I still love her because she is my mother~
We are not here for long, and life is carpy enough without petty feuds like this. This could be the occasion for the OP to reunite with his mum. Once they are gone it is too latE.
Can't speak for the OP, but it's not always about "petty feuds." And my take on life being short is opposite yours. For me, life's too short to spend time with a-holes, family or not.
Not in a million years. Spend the money on a good therapist if that suits you.
Sometimes when they are gone it's none too soon.
buster poser
Poster Extraordinaire
Point of order you can absolutely choose your family.
I have 7 sisters and 1 brother.
I rarely have anything to do with my brother.
Crazy, I know.
But , I totally know how he feels about me by virtue of a text I got a year or so ago - and it ain’t good !
I also have very few great memories/happy times/times in the past with him I cherish.
And he always tries to be the most happy and welcoming person at large family events but he would come across as a bit phony/trying a little too hard to almost anyone that knows him even a little.
Long story short - when you have 8 siblings , you’re lucky if you only don’t get along with one. That’s still a very high percentage .
Then if you add in all my siblings kids and their spouses and their kids - that’s 60-some people for an average gathering .
No way you’re gonna like everybody/some people aren’t gonna like you.
zimbo
Friend of Leo's
I don't see my family either because of politics. They refuse to learn the facts about what they're talking about hence we don't agree. Trying to explain the facts to people who are already stuck on their opinions is pointless.
I think in the last several years, more families and friends have "broken up" due to politics, than any time previously in my lifetime.
I have a younger friend who I knew from when I was playing in a band. She hasn't spoken to her mom or dad in about 5 yeaers (last time I checked). They would always get in such big arguments at family gatherings they finally all said, 'we're done.' I don't really know what percentage of fault is assigned to each side (her politics are similar to mine, but she's a bit over the top and can be confrontational... from what I've heard, so is her mom, on the other end of the spectrum). My friend posts political things on social media constantly throughout the day and night. I still like her, but I'm kind of glad she lives elsewhere and I can just 'unfollow' her on Facebook. Though I agree with a lot of her views, it's just too much/all the time.
With regard to all these relationships ending... it's sad, really. It is part of the issue with my family and me as well. I'm definitely on an island, the black sheep.
We were all together at Christmas and it was fine. I have two brothers with pretty extreme outlooks one whom we used to spend a lot of time with. He’s good person and we do see each other but much less than earlier in our lives.
Life is too complex sometimes. I just want to enjoy whatever’s left of mine without drama.
ce24
Poster Extraordinaire
Vets will set up a payment plan....go help her set one up she can afford.
Kandinskyesque
Friend of Leo's
I'm of a similar sized tribe, 1 'difficult' relationship out of 8 has you in Dali Lama territory.I have 7 sisters and 1 brother.
I rarely have anything to do with my brother.
Crazy, I know.
But , I totally know how he feels about me by virtue of a text I got a year or so ago - and it ain’t good !
I also have very few great memories/happy times/times in the past with him I cherish.
And he always tries to be the most happy and welcoming person at large family events but he would come across as a bit phony/trying a little too hard to almost anyone that knows him even a little.
Long story short - when you have 8 siblings , you’re lucky if you only don’t get along with one. That’s still a very high percentage .
Then if you add in all my siblings kids and their spouses and their kids - that’s 60-some people for an average gathering .
No way you’re gonna like everybody/some people aren’t gonna like you.
I've gone from the 'difficult' relationships to becoming 'indifferent' relationships. I consider that progress on my part.
I seem to get on really well though with my sibling's kids, possibly because I don't see their generation as some kind of extension of mine. My parents and siblings live by that philosophy.
Happy Enchilada
Friend of Leo's
Comes a time in life when you see your parents as people - not perfect people as children do.
My dad was a self-absorbed womanizer whose exploits broke my mother's fragile hold on reality.
My mom was a helicopter parent whose reference for parenting was ... poor to say the least.
When my mom died, my dad sold the house and moved to Florida to chase skirts.
His first chippie died on him. She was actually good for him.
The second one was a five-time loser who saw dad as her last big score.
She spent years convincing him he couldn't handle a checkbook and car keys.
Ironically, she developed an aggressive form of cancer and left him to handle everything.
He fell tooling around his house with a walker (tripped over a rug).
Broke his pelvis in 3 places. Was in and out of the ICU every couple days for 3 weeks.
His phone conversations indicated he was mentally out to lunch.
All this happened while my oldest son was preparing to go off to college in Montana.
So I decided to be a good father and help my son move and get settled.
About that time he plotzed.
I cried less for my parents than I did for the last 2 cats we had to put down.
My advice? Tell her she's a big girl and it wasn't your cat and maybe she will learn something.
Or at least maybe she won't hit you up like an ATM next time she screws up.
You'll hate yourself a little, but it will go away - trust me.
My dad was a self-absorbed womanizer whose exploits broke my mother's fragile hold on reality.
My mom was a helicopter parent whose reference for parenting was ... poor to say the least.
When my mom died, my dad sold the house and moved to Florida to chase skirts.
His first chippie died on him. She was actually good for him.
The second one was a five-time loser who saw dad as her last big score.
She spent years convincing him he couldn't handle a checkbook and car keys.
Ironically, she developed an aggressive form of cancer and left him to handle everything.
He fell tooling around his house with a walker (tripped over a rug).
Broke his pelvis in 3 places. Was in and out of the ICU every couple days for 3 weeks.
His phone conversations indicated he was mentally out to lunch.
All this happened while my oldest son was preparing to go off to college in Montana.
So I decided to be a good father and help my son move and get settled.
About that time he plotzed.
I cried less for my parents than I did for the last 2 cats we had to put down.
My advice? Tell her she's a big girl and it wasn't your cat and maybe she will learn something.
Or at least maybe she won't hit you up like an ATM next time she screws up.
You'll hate yourself a little, but it will go away - trust me.
Fiesta Red
Doctor of Teleocity
I owe nothing more than polite kindness and agape to anybody in the world, including family.
It means little to nothing that we are—by some accident of happenstance and genetics—related to one another.
How our relationship grows will be based on how you treat me, and others whom I have chosen to be close to.
My brother—although he is a brilliant man who knows exactly how everyone should behave, especially in regard to how they should have quiet reverence and deference towards him—doesn’t seem to understand that concept.
I’ve had to “cut him out of my life” several times. The most current is going on three years—since March 2020.
The first issue is his mendacious wife and the rumors and lies she has spread about my daughter and wife. If he refuses to put a leash on his cat, he can’t be mad when I throw an old shoe at said cat when it craps in my yard. This has happened multiple times throughout his marriage—she spreads lies and gossip about everyone in the family and then gaslights them into thinking it wasn’t her.
C’mon, I may be dumb but I’m not stupid.
He is also concerned that I will “get” or somehow “steal” his inheritance of our parents’ estate.
In March of 2020, he wanted to get into a physical fight (yes, really, a man closer to 60 than 50 wanted to get in a fistfight with his little brother) in a public park because I didn’t want to discuss something that is not my business. He wanted to carve up their property and possessions and give them a list of how to do it—and make sure he gets what he wants.
He didn’t take into account that they’re both alive and relatively healthy, and had already set up an estate plan for us.
I am trusting that my parents will do the right thing and make stuff even and fair. If they don’t, that’s ok, too—because it’s their stuff to disperse, not mine. I have not asked for the details of the estate, and have only asked for a few minor sentimental items, such as a pocketknife of my great-grandfather’s and the rifle dad taught me to shoot with.
My dad asked what I thought he should do with his property (3 acres in a beautiful neighborhood, nice home and a couple of outbuildings). I said, “I don’t care. It’s your property. Do what you see fit.”
He insisted that I answer.
I thought about it for several days and then told him, “Sell it, move to the beach and blow all your money so there won’t be anything left to argue over.”
My brother is obsessed and wants to make sure he gets everything. He’s already moved onto the property and makes it difficult if not impossible for me and my family to visit.
Oh well. His loss.
I’m a wonderful guy.
It means little to nothing that we are—by some accident of happenstance and genetics—related to one another.
How our relationship grows will be based on how you treat me, and others whom I have chosen to be close to.
My brother—although he is a brilliant man who knows exactly how everyone should behave, especially in regard to how they should have quiet reverence and deference towards him—doesn’t seem to understand that concept.
I’ve had to “cut him out of my life” several times. The most current is going on three years—since March 2020.
The first issue is his mendacious wife and the rumors and lies she has spread about my daughter and wife. If he refuses to put a leash on his cat, he can’t be mad when I throw an old shoe at said cat when it craps in my yard. This has happened multiple times throughout his marriage—she spreads lies and gossip about everyone in the family and then gaslights them into thinking it wasn’t her.
C’mon, I may be dumb but I’m not stupid.
He is also concerned that I will “get” or somehow “steal” his inheritance of our parents’ estate.
In March of 2020, he wanted to get into a physical fight (yes, really, a man closer to 60 than 50 wanted to get in a fistfight with his little brother) in a public park because I didn’t want to discuss something that is not my business. He wanted to carve up their property and possessions and give them a list of how to do it—and make sure he gets what he wants.
He didn’t take into account that they’re both alive and relatively healthy, and had already set up an estate plan for us.
I am trusting that my parents will do the right thing and make stuff even and fair. If they don’t, that’s ok, too—because it’s their stuff to disperse, not mine. I have not asked for the details of the estate, and have only asked for a few minor sentimental items, such as a pocketknife of my great-grandfather’s and the rifle dad taught me to shoot with.
My dad asked what I thought he should do with his property (3 acres in a beautiful neighborhood, nice home and a couple of outbuildings). I said, “I don’t care. It’s your property. Do what you see fit.”
He insisted that I answer.
I thought about it for several days and then told him, “Sell it, move to the beach and blow all your money so there won’t be anything left to argue over.”
My brother is obsessed and wants to make sure he gets everything. He’s already moved onto the property and makes it difficult if not impossible for me and my family to visit.
Oh well. His loss.
I’m a wonderful guy.
vlad paduraru
TDPRI Member
Man that's tough !
I’m really sory you have to go trough that. Stay strong and stable, unlike him.
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