You get to choose your friends. But family however...

[BigDaddyLH]

Obviously, at my age, I don't have these problems with parents, they're dead. My wife is another story. Ever since our last dog had to be put down, and she sees one of those pathetic ASPCA ads, she talks about getting another dog. I keep reminding her that the last dog was costing us close to $1,000/year when you add up the routine vet bills, grooming, food, etc. Then I remind her that I'm not paying for any of it this time, and I'm not going to take care of it for her. Then I remind her that if she dies before I do, and the dog is still alive, I'm getting rid of it. So far, she hasn't done it yet, but who knows.

On the other hand, I've told my wife who I'm rescuing first if the house is on fire.

 

[memorex]

On the other hand, I've told my wife who I'm rescuing first if the house is on fire.

If you don't rescue yourself first, how can rescue anyone else?

 

[24 track]

I figured I post it here for some other perspectives. I'm not beyond being proven wrong. And I'm definitely not the most confident camel on the planet.

I got that right away ,
I have had my issues with my parents and left home under some really bad circumstances , but we came to terms many years later ( I never went home for a visit for almost 3 years ) I was 18 when I went back to clear the air but that now is mute , you will find your feet in this issue however it unfolds, this is family such as it is
Best of wishes

 

[BigDaddyLH]

If you don't rescue yourself first, how can rescue anyone else?

 

[Mjark]

I miss hanging with your brother Clark.

You too

We’re not far away. Clark just retired.

 

[Flat6Driver]

I hate to say it but she may have done you a favor by putting her cat to sleep. I took my wife’s dog to the vet a while back. In the waiting room was a couple with a half dozen cats in carriers. The wife’s mother died and nobody would take her cats. So they were all waiting to be put to sleep. It’s expensive enough for one cat. But they had six. It wasn’t the couple’s responsibility but they did the responsible thing. So that’s another way to look at the situation.

Wow. That's ****ed up. Never heard of a rescue?

 

[Skully]

I hate to say it but she may have done you a favor by putting her cat to sleep. I took my wife’s dog to the vet a while back. In the waiting room was a couple with a half dozen cats in carriers. The wife’s mother died and nobody would take her cats. So they were all waiting to be put to sleep. It’s expensive enough for one cat. But they had six. It wasn’t the couple’s responsibility but they did the responsible thing. So that’s another way to look at the situation.

Jake Johannsen touches on that issue with this story about the family hamster.

 

[WRHB]

Wow. That's ****ed up. Never heard of a rescue?

I agree. The couple claimed that nobody would take the cats. Not even the animal shelters and humane society. I have no idea if they even tried. But either way it ended horribly for the cats that didn’t do anything wrong.

 

[1293]

All of my relatives and in-laws are great.

 

[O- Fender]

Family relationships can be the worst. Yes, you are supposed to be unconditionally loving and happy but sometimes people make things impossible. Sometimes people can be simply toxic and will drag you down with them. Sometimes it's best to cut ties.
Each relationship is different, follow your gut. The hardest part might be the guilt.
I wish I had some more definite answers to offer. I think there might be some support group online or in your area. Failing that, there are youtube vids on almost every subject.
Search engines are your friends.

 

[ZackyDog]

Family relationships can be the worst. Yes, you are supposed to be unconditionally loving and happy but sometimes people make things impossible. Sometimes people can be simply toxic and will drag you down with them. Sometimes it's best to cut ties.
Each relationship is different, follow your gut. The hardest part might be the guilt.
I wish I had some more definite answers to offer. I think there might be some support group online or in your area. Failing that, there are youtube vids on almost every subject.
Search engines are your friends.

I think you made some very good points.

I knew someone who looks for compassion---and gets it---when she was at her lowest. That same person would have antagonized Naomi Judd (RIP) before she committed suicide, and not have any remorse. Needless to say, you don't need toxic people in your life.

Naomi Judd
(1946-2022)

 

[Flat6Driver]

I agree. The couple claimed that nobody would take the cats. Not even the animal shelters and humane society. I have no idea if they even tried. But either way it ended horribly for the cats that didn’t do anything wrong.

My wife and daughter work for a rescue that specializes in "old cats from dead folks". Just for anyone else in this situation.

 

[Dave W]

Don't let yourself be manipulated, by a relative or anyone else. End of story.

 

[telekaster1999]

No I don't. I'm sorry your having to deal with all that. My Mom and Dad were married 54 years until his passing a couple years ago. She's 71, but looks 50 or younger. We get mistaken for a couple when we go out to eat, lol. She is an angel we don't deserve.

 

[trandy9850]

I’ve got nothing for you…my own family situation is a giant mess….it all started when my Mom died almost nine years ago….what happened at the funeral and afterward was your basic nightmare.

 

[Maguchi]

My mom and I have a strained relationship to say the least. I guess about 9 months ago I finally had enough and stood up to her and we haven't spoken much since. But yesterday I received 3 calls from my mom which went to voicemail:

One to tell me she's putting her cat down. Her choice - she didn't want to pay for the tests to diagnose what's wrong with her cat.

The second to tell me the deed is done and how expensive it was. With an email following saying she's going to need help paying for it.

The third to tell me how much my share is to pay for her cat being euthanized. Due the end of the month.

I don't know about you guys, but that rubs me the wrong way. The assumption and leaving a message like it's a bill for me. Maybe I'm predisposed to being sensitive but asking for help would have been a lot more palatable than telling me what I owe her. At no point in any of the above messages did she ask. She just assumed.

She has a long history of "I need you to do x for me" instead of asking if someone can help. My dad says she's always been like that. Maybe I let it slide too long because it was better than the physical abuse as a child (from that point of reference it's maybe a mild crossing of boundaries). But damn, this pissed me off.

I get that she doesn't have a lot of money, and sympathize (maybe too much given her crappy choices made in my lifetime), but it's something most of us struggle with.

Anyway, end of rant. Does anyone else have this in their family? And how would you handle it?

I hear you. I've had a some occasions like this with my family. In the heat of it, it can be a little hard to accept and not react.

Just my perspective, family is for a long, even very long time. If there is some way to sidestep, ignore or bypass issues like this when they arise, it could be worth it in the long run. There may be other times in the future where she is more civil towards you. And those memories and experiences may be of value later.

Just my two cents, if there's some way to let this dissipate it could lead to good as well as bad in the future.

At my age, 58, when I think back 20, 30, 40 years, I seem to remember most of the good things and the bad things sort of get foggy and fade away.
Best

 

[Blackmore Fan]

My mom and I have a strained relationship to say the least. I guess about 9 months ago I finally had enough and stood up to her and we haven't spoken much since. But yesterday I received 3 calls from my mom which went to voicemail:

One to tell me she's putting her cat down. Her choice - she didn't want to pay for the tests to diagnose what's wrong with her cat.

The second to tell me the deed is done and how expensive it was. With an email following saying she's going to need help paying for it.

The third to tell me how much my share is to pay for her cat being euthanized. Due the end of the month.

I don't know about you guys, but that rubs me the wrong way. The assumption and leaving a message like it's a bill for me. Maybe I'm predisposed to being sensitive but asking for help would have been a lot more palatable than telling me what I owe her. At no point in any of the above messages did she ask. She just assumed.

She has a long history of "I need you to do x for me" instead of asking if someone can help. My dad says she's always been like that. Maybe I let it slide too long because it was better than the physical abuse as a child (from that point of reference it's maybe a mild crossing of boundaries). But damn, this pissed me off.

I get that she doesn't have a lot of money, and sympathize (maybe too much given her crappy choices made in my lifetime), but it's something most of us struggle with.

Anyway, end of rant. Does anyone else have this in their family? And how would you handle it?

God bless you. One of the principles I recently learned and attempt to share with others whenever I can is this: "We have to forgive ourselves for the things we could have done better, and we have to forgive others for what they did to us." We do the latter not because they "deserve" our forgiveness, but because its the only way we can move forward with our lives--we can't be our best when we are dragging around resentment.

That doesn't mean you have to pay any amount of your mother's bill. But you can speak to her, and tell her your sorry for her loss. Or you can have a conversation with her another time. Its your life, and you don't "owe" her anything further. But you'd probably feel better about yourself later in life if you had some sort of semi-regular communication, even if you don't bend to her misguided sense of what she pretends you "owe".

 

[stephent2]

About $360.

I don't really care about the money. I'm not rolling in it, but I'm not going hungry either. I'll probably wire her a portion of it because I feel bad and just hope she doesn't call again. Sorry, I know that's not going to be a popular solution for a lot of folks.

Just curious about the cost, not a cat guy myself so no idea. Looks like you came to a decision, nothing wrong w/ taking the high road.

 

[Skydog1010]

It's bedtime, saw this thread, opened it and read some...my bad. Should have re-read the pizza thread right before bedtime; my body, stomach and mind would probably be more relaxed and settled (even if I had eaten a large pizza).

Family is family and more often than not most of us will encounter rough patches with family and being that it's family - it's often more difficult to navigate those close relationships and the problems they bring ESPECIALLY as adults, middle aged and above.

I was blessed with wonderful inlaws that led by example, I will always be thankful for their love, kindness, and especially their wisdom. I hope I can impart at least a fraction of what they taught me to others. Doing so starts with not lashing out at my own bloodline, neither upstream or downstream, life's too short.

 

[WRHB]

My wife and daughter work for a rescue that specializes in "old cats from dead folks". Just for anyone else in this situation.

Your wife and daughter are filling a need I never knew existed until I saw it for myself.