You get to choose your friends. But family however...

[Mike Eskimo]

Thanks guys. Both good perspectives. I've thought about this too - and being Irish AND Catholic, well hell that's like guilt squared.

Uh…throw that off. Immediately.

I jettisoned that crap in 1982 when I graduated from St Mary’s and started going out with a Protestant girl.

her entire family was so happy and carefree and unencumbered by the black cloud that hung over my entire family of nine potato-faced Irish Catholic kids, that I said “nope , no more , that’s the life for me !”

It also helps you make rational decisions, firmer, quicker , easier, and with more conviction.

Like Doug Stanhope says “You got something that was passed down or onto you ? Pass it back !” (or stay a child forever)

(Also , forget whatever assumed “guilt” they raised you under - way more importantly, you wannna be associated with an org with that many heinous, documented evil deeds ? I
don’t know you, but I’m guessing not)

And for the record, there’s nothing at all inherently “guilty” about having Irish blood. It all comes from the other thing…

Tell your mom “Fine, but this is the last time. If you were nicer, I wouldn’t really have a problem footing the bill but , you’re not , so I do…”

 

[johnny k]

I'd send her a check. She's your mom.

exactly. Family.

 

[WRHB]

I hate to say it but she may have done you a favor by putting her cat to sleep. I took my wife’s dog to the vet a while back. In the waiting room was a couple with a half dozen cats in carriers. The wife’s mother died and nobody would take her cats. So they were all waiting to be put to sleep. It’s expensive enough for one cat. But they had six. It wasn’t the couple’s responsibility but they did the responsible thing. So that’s another way to look at the situation.

 

[Telenator]

Sounds like your mom struggles with basic communication skills in general. I'm not saying she isn't intelligent, but not everyone is capable of having a polite, meaningful conversation. The fact that she called you 3 times, and said what she said, seems to indicate that she needs help with the cat situation, and that she would like to talk with you, but she's just not gifted in the art of social graces. I'd be inclined to give her a chance and tactfully explain how you feel. She might make an effort too, unless she's just plain mean. She sounds lonely and sad about your disagreements.

 

[Nogoodnamesleft]

there is no right or wrong here ,
we all have our relationships with our parents , what ever that means to ourselves individually .
you will find the correct answer for you no matter what
this is a personal deilema the answer is not on TDPRI but in your self

however it does feel good to rant!

I figured I post it here for some other perspectives. I'm not beyond being proven wrong. And I'm definitely not the most confident camel on the planet.

 

[ChicknPickn]

I too had a really rocky relationship with my dad. We had not spoken for probably 5 years and then reconnected. I would not call it reconciliation because everything was on his terms or not at all. Anyway about 6 months later he got sick and eventually died. I am grateful we were able speak before he died. I am screwed up enough, I can’t imagine what my psyche would be if I didn’t have a chance to talk with him before he died

Pretty much the story here. Dad grew up in poverty but learned in adulthood how to make money, and a lot of it. Making money seemed to be all that mattered. Even my mother would say she'd rather have had more of him and less money. We didn't make much time for each other. But after I got my own life in order, I tried to make myself available, and to help with things old people need help with. We were okay.

 

[Jim622]

Yeah. It's not the money, it's the manner. I have no relationship with the cat, and if she had asked (even after the fact) for help I'd be okay helping her. Just something about her boundary crossing delivery that I'm like wtf...

I get that , but you only have one mother and for how much longer? I’d look past it, pony up and use it as an opportunity to better connect. It’s only money

 

[Masmus]

It seems to me that today’s elderly parents quite often don’t recognize their children as fully functioning adults. I’m not saying this is what your mother is doing just one possibility. She may have been treated this way by her parents and thinks this is normal or maybe just one of those people that think they are in charge of everything. Or maybe I’ve completely missed the mark.

My father never treated me as an equal until I had a house and family of my own. He started to light a cigarette in my house and I stopped him and got his respect.

Maybe if the money is no problem you can give her the money but at the same time explain that from now on you are a grown adult and she must ask. Don’t get upset or mad or even accusational when you talk to her just explain that this is how you ask an adult and that is what you expect from her.

 

[Mike Eskimo]

exactly. Family.

That means nothing.

People that don’t have abusive or destructive or addictive, or just plain mean-spirited members in your family aren’t free to speak on this that casually.

There are some of us whose parents were bad people - and I’m not saying that about the OP specifically - but at the very least it seems like the son could teach his mother a better way to go about some thing, especially if she wants some thing.

 

[Jim622]

Tell your mom “Fine, but this is the last time. If you were nicer, I wouldn’t really have a problem footing the bill but , you’re not , so I do…”

That’s not how I would talk to my mom. If she was still here.

 

[Strat Jacket]

Just my .02 cents here...
As was mentioned, you only have one mother. Her way of communication is rude and assumptive, but still...
The fact you are sharing it here tells me you need to vent because it rankles you. Rather than just sending a check (which obviously you can afford; it's the manner of demanding rather than asking that trips your trigger), it might help to send that check, along with a note laying it on the line how you feel about the issue. Tell her what you told us. If there's a shred of remorse, she will probably contact you and try to mend things. If she's using you as a slush fund, she will cash the check and you'll never hear another word about it. And as the saying goes, "there's your sign".

 

[teletail]

That means nothing.

People that don’t have abusive or destructive or addictive, or just plain mean-spirited members in your family aren’t free to speak on this that casually.

There are some of us whose parents were bad people - and I’m not saying that about the OP specifically - but at the very least it seems like the son could teach his mother a better way to go about some thing, especially if she wants some thing.

Preach it brother! I have a great family, but OMG, some of the people I’ve known over the years have had unbelievably toxic families. I’ve had friends that were as close as family and I’ve had family I wouldn’t walk across the street to pee on if they were on fire.

Blood means nothing. You have to earn my respect and love just like everyone else.

 

[Dan German]

I do not accept the idea of permitting behaviour “because family” that you would not permit from a friend. I would not dignify the demand with a reply. But that’s just me.

 

[stephent2]

Pain, ....the delusion that others will act as we think they should.

In other words, don't take offense. People only do as good as they know to do. So adjust your expectations and try to find the humor in your mom's,.. responses to life(?).

And how much to put a cat down?

 

[tomasz]

It might be an unpopular opinion, but I believe everybody needs to teach their parents, that he/she is an independent being, they should respect. The fact they brought us to the world, does not mandate them any power - it was their choice and came with responsibilities, that they picked up, the same as we picked up ours. Neither religion nor culture should twist that relation into guilt and a feeling of owning something back by the kids. I don't want that baggage for my kids either. Call me strange, but I believe in people being respectful of each other, not manipulative.

Of course, I know, my parents are getting old and I want to take care of them, and be close as much as I can, but I still want them to respect my choices and life decisions and expect that we treat each other as equals. I don't know if that helps in any way. But I would try to be myself and handle it with integrity, not cultural baggage. But then again, I spent many hours with my parents discussing that, so maybe it is easier for me to say. Fingers crossed, that you make your own decisions with regard to yourself.

 

[kuch]

I'm kinda torn here.... I lost my mom when she was 63, about 40 years ago, when I was about 30 years old. It wasn't easy. I had a great relationship with both my mom and dad.

But I'm not in your situation and don't get the dynamics between you and your mom.

All I would say is: try to truly understand others, before expecting them to understand you.

 

[Nogoodnamesleft]

It seems I've opened a bit of a rift in the electorate. Sorry about that.

I'm still learning and trying to heal from an upbringing that was both physically and emotionally abusive. I won't get into details. If therapy is any indication, I'm supposed to be aligning with those who don't give family a free pass because they're family - trying to come to terms with that. I have one brother that I'd say the most we have in common is we share the same parents, but that's it. He's emotionally abusive, not only to me but in other relationships that I've observed over the years. My mom, the nitty gritty is too much to get into detail about on a public forum.

For the issue I posted about, thanks for the opinions from everyone. I'm still learning. Not at all confident. And I'm most grateful for the insights shared on both sides of this.

 

[Nogoodnamesleft]

And how much to put a cat down?

About $360.

I don't really care about the money. I'm not rolling in it, but I'm not going hungry either. I'll probably wire her a portion of it because I feel bad and just hope she doesn't call again. Sorry, I know that's not going to be a popular solution for a lot of folks.

 

[P Thought]

Just something about her boundary crossing delivery that I'm like wtf...

Your mom has a brilliant idea! I'm composing account statements now for my several grown children, reflecting expenses incurred in caring for the granddogs we were left with as each one left the house.

All seriousness aside, my mom was kind of a whackadoodle too, sometimes maddenly so. I'll always be grateful to Mrs. Thought--who was young when her own mother died--suggested that I stop being so mad at her, because she wouldn't be around forever. She wasn't, and I miss her more than I ever thought I would.

Edit: if I were to really send a statement to all my kids, it would be an apology for the profoundly haphazard and careless way I "raised" them.

 

[memorex]

Obviously, at my age, I don't have these problems with parents, they're dead. My wife is another story. Ever since our last dog had to be put down, and she sees one of those pathetic ASPCA ads, she talks about getting another dog. I keep reminding her that the last dog was costing us close to $1,000/year when you add up the routine vet bills, grooming, food, etc. Then I remind her that I'm not paying for any of it this time, and I'm not going to take care of it for her. Then I remind her that if she dies before I do, and the dog is still alive, I'm getting rid of it. So far, she hasn't done it yet, but who knows.