What’s your best Thanksgiving/Christmas/Hanukkah/Holidays type joke?

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by TheGoodTexan, Nov 19, 2019.

  1. TheGoodTexan

    TheGoodTexan Moderator Staff Member Ad Free Member

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    What’s your best joke for this time of year? ...a joke you’d tell at the dinner table with family around?

    I’ll start:

    What’s a turkey’s favorite dessert?

    Peach gobbler.
     
  2. uriah1

    uriah1 Telefied Gold Supporter

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    Let's all watch the Lions win again this Thanksgiving Day.
     
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  3. ale.istotle

    ale.istotle Tele-Meister

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    Hard Luck Christmas Story


    Late last week, I was rushing around trying to get some last minute shopping done.

    I was stressed out and not thinking very fondly of the Christmas season right then. It was dark, cold, and wet in the parking lot as I was loading my car up with gifts that I felt obligated to buy. I noticed that I was missing a receipt that I might need later. So mumbling under my breath, I retraced my steps to the mall entrance.

    As I was searching the wet pavement for the lost receipt, I heard a quiet sobbing. The crying was coming from a poorly dressed boy of about 12 years old.

    He was short and thin. He had no coat. He was just wearing a ragged flannel shirt to protect him from the cold night's chill.

    Oddly enough, he was holding a hundred dollar bill in his hand. Thinking that he had gotten lost from his parents, I asked him what was wrong. He told me his sad story. He said that he came from a large family. He had three brothers and four sisters. His father had died when he was nine years old.His mother was poorly educated and worked two full time jobs. She made very little to support her large family.

    Nevertheless, she had managed to skimp and save two hundred dollars to buy her children Christmas presents. The young boy had been dropped off, by his mother, on the way to her second job. He was to use the money to buy presents for all his siblings and save just enough to take the bus home. He had not even entered the mall, when an older boy grabbed one of the hundred dollar bills and disappeared into the night.

    "Why didn't you scream for help?" I asked.

    The boy said, "I did."

    "And nobody came to help you?" I wondered.

    The boy stared at the sidewalk and sadly shook his head.

    "How loud did you scream?" I inquired.

    The soft-spoken boy looked up and meekly whispered, "Help me!"

    I realized that absolutely no one could have heard that poor boy cry for help. So I grabbed his other hundred and ran to my car.
     
  4. FLHT

    FLHT Tele-Meister

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    I have a bushy white beard, and every once in a while someone will ask me if I'm Santa. I always say "No, I'm his unruly cousin, Saint Dick"!
     
  5. nojazzhere

    nojazzhere Poster Extraordinaire

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    But you didn't find your needed receipt?
    Did. Not. See. That. Coming.
     
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  6. drf64

    drf64 Poster Extraordinaire

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    A dromedary, a donkey, and a cow set off for Kansas City....
     
  7. Nightclub Dwight

    Nightclub Dwight Tele-Afflicted

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    ....in an attempt to set a new world record.
     
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  8. Shuster

    Shuster Poster Extraordinaire

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    About two weeks into November, the head turkey turns to his second-in-command and says, “I have a feeling something’s going down. The farmer just unfriended me on Facebook.”
     
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  9. Shuster

    Shuster Poster Extraordinaire

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    What do you get when you cross a turkey with a centipede?

    Drumsticks for everyone on Thanksgiving Day!
     
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  10. Shuster

    Shuster Poster Extraordinaire

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    A man buys a parrot, only to have it constantly insult him. He tries everything to make the parrot stop, but nothing works. Frustrated, the man puts the parrot in the freezer. After a few minutes the insults stop. The man thinks he might have killed the parrot, so he opens the freezer and takes the parrot out. The parrot is shivering. It stammers, “S-s-sorry for being r-r-rude. Please f-f-forgive me.” Then, after a moment, the parrot softly asks, “W-w-what exactly d-d-did the turkey do?”
     
  11. Dreadnut

    Dreadnut Tele-Meister

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    I wonder if Jesus' mother ever said to him after he made a mess "C'mon, were you born in a barn? Oh, wait a minute..."
     
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  12. imwjl

    imwjl Poster Extraordinaire

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    I've tried to explain this before. Knowing the Seinfeld series is part of understanding it.

    My mom's uncle, his family and their associates was like Costanza family arguments in real life. As a little kid it was learning "WTF" before knowing swear words. Some of that part of the gene pool made it to life in California to help support stereotypes of crazy people there. Uncle L sounded a lot like Jerry Stiller in the Frank Costanza role.

    For one holiday time we had gathering of all them in San Diego. Of all the people to have airline and baggage problems it had to be Uncle L. When he finally arrived a day late in San Diego I volunteered to go get him at the airport figuring the drive was an escape from the crazier side of our gene pool.

    I had the car windows rolled down. I figured I'd spot Uncle L by height - he was tall. Instead as I pulled up to the American Airlines area I heard his bellowing "What the hell kind of Airport do you think you're running here. You want to see an airport? Go to Chicago!". That was to an innocent looking guy standing there in shorts while Uncle L was still dressed for winter in Chicago.

    At same time my brother in law and his first ex wife were San Diego residents. She was and is so crazy she and her current wife are in jail.

    Basically this is groups of people so different from my immediate family and my wife that it was stepping into a not always funny comedy movie. It was not really a joke but about 5 days of being with relatives so crazy it was hard to hide the laughing or disguise the laughing. I honestly believe anyone who ever watched the Costanza family on TV would have lost it if they caught that incident of uncle L at the Airport.
     
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  13. basher

    basher Tele-Afflicted

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    You know how the angel got on top of the Christmas tree, don't you? It was three days before Christmas, and Santa was having a really rough time. He'd had a fight with Mrs. Claus over breakfast, the elves were threatening to strike because they weren't getting paid overtime, and the latest Windows update had made it impossible to open his naughty and nice lists. And as he was sitting at his desk rubbing his temples, an angel knocked at the door of his office and said "Hey Mr. Claus, where do you want me to put this tree?"
     
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  14. telemnemonics

    telemnemonics Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

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    I just start singing in falsetto.
    Any tune will do, works great on any victim.
    No risk of bad taste or politics/ sex/ religion spoiling the fun.
     
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  15. blille

    blille Tele-Afflicted

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    FESTIVUS!!
     
  16. 8trackmind

    8trackmind Tele-Holic

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    As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay’s kids’ stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

    One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don’t sell those things at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you’ve never been in an X-rated store, don’t go. You’ll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, “What does this do?” “You’re kidding me!” “Who would buy that?” Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I’d only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for ‘Lovable Louise.” She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a “doll” took a huge leap of imagination.

    On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise’s pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

    We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. “What the hell is that?” she asked. My brother quickly explained, “It’s a doll.” “Who would play with something like that?” Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. “Where are her clothes?” Granny continued. “Boy, that

    turkey sure smells nice, Gran,” Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. “Why doesn’t she have any teeth?” Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying,”Hang on Granny! Hang on!” My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, ” Hey, who’s the naked gal by the fireplace?” I told him she was Jay’s friend.

    A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa’s last Christmas at home.

    The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

    It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.
    Later in my brother’s garage, we conducted a thorough examination and found the cause of Louise’s collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot amber to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health
     
  17. elihu

    elihu Poster Extraordinaire

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    Now that’s a story...

    Well done, sir.
     
  18. Shuster

    Shuster Poster Extraordinaire

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  19. ale.istotle

    ale.istotle Tele-Meister

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  20. 8trackmind

    8trackmind Tele-Holic

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    Thank you, I'm here at the Armada room 'till Thursday.
     
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