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Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by TMMC, Dec 6, 2017.
Sorry to hear, vent all you want. I wrote a song with just this situation in mind.
This sucks TMMC, sorry.
I don’t know the whole (both sides) story, never will, so I don’t have much advice. Maybe except what you are already mindful of: kids first. That and get qualified legal representation. Keep looking up while walking forward..
There is always something about the grass on the other side of that fence. It is distracting for some and draws the attention away from things we take for granted. Sorry this happened to you.
Sorry to hear about your plight, and I don't wish to pour cold water on your situation..........but as Blowtorch says "there is a third party involved".
"We can still be friends" is the oldest 'get out' in the book when someone else is lurking in the background. I wish you well for the future and hope I am wrong, but.............
To the OP, God bless you, brother.
No. It's not.
Sorry, man. There is at least a 15 minute window where either wood-chopping, songwriting, or a little rolo tomassi comes in handy, maybe this is one of those times. Keep your chin up and stay strong, best of luck to you.
We've covered that pretty up front and close. I'll just say that I'm comfortable knowing there isn't, and that it's legitimately not about that at all. But trust me, it was my first thought.
You don't say how old you are but I saw this situation more than several times with men at work before I retired. It almost always was men/couples in their 40's. The line almost always fell into the "I think you are a great guy but I don't want to be married any longer". Usually, they had children too. Teenagers. Strangely enough the kids usually stayed with the Dad. And as someone mentioned, they got half the 401K and the man either gave up his ownership in the house if owned outright or "bought HER out" if a mortgage was involved.
The ex-wife usually ended up with another male but in a couple of cases ended up with another woman.
So, these situations are not uncommon.
Take care of yourself, hold on tight, and "weather the storm coming". You can do it. This too shall pass. Life has so many lessons and pain.
You have my condolences. Sincerely, Ky
I’m very sorry. That is tough.
I kinda hate to say this because it sounds trite or condescending, but time does heal all wounds. Take care.
While there has been many a cheater that uses the "still be friends" line, there's been just as many use it that don't want to hurt their partner's feelings and/or don't have the guts to provide the real reasons.
I think speculation on a third party with such certainty is pretty harsh. It happens all the time, but if I recall there's a 1-year old involved. How many guys are gonna hang around a married woman during both pregnancy and the period after childbirth, unless.....? (As long as we're speculating)
Sounds like TMMC has open eyes and an open mind. In any event, my advice is the same: aside from cooperation on the kids, do not let this woman dictate any aspect of the rest of your life.
Life happens ... best wishes for a new chapter .
You asked for positive thought. Sent.
It is far worse to waste your life being unhappily married for 40 years.
I’ve been there. I wouldn’t wish even an amicable split on my worst enemy.
It’s not an easy road. You’ve got a long and often painful way to go, but it does get better. Be sure to look to your own emotional well-being, not just hers and the kids!
I’d agree with many posts here that you need to throw yourself into something constructive. Also, not knowing your financial situation, I would say that, if you both worked, you might re-examine your spending habits and lifestyle because you are down one income.
From my experience, I would be extremely cautious in any optimism regarding counseling if you go that route and in remaining friends in any meaningful way.
My ex was the bass player in my band. We tried to soldier on through the separation and divorce, but we broke up the band when we both started dating again because it became super awkward. She and I are still friends on paper, anyway, and we occasionally text one another and are cool when we run into each other at shows or what have you, but we don’t actively hang out.
However, kids are a lot more of a common commitment than a band. I should think that if your separation is truly amicable, with the shared responsibility and love for your kids, you and your wife stand a better chance than a childless couple would of remaining friendly so long as you put the kids ahead of yourselves and any differences you may have.
I went through this at the beginning of the year. I read through some of the posts and you've been given some solid advice. This is what I did. Used the martial arts dojo as my refuge when things started to feel overwhelming. Focused on my son and made sure he knew we still both loved no matter how we felt about each other. He is a teenager so it's different than you. I made a huge effort to be cordial every time I talk to the ex. That made settlement agreements much easier. And I made sure to take time for myself. Yes it was hard, yes lots of sleepless nights. But as I look back now, I'm better. I even have started playing again, which I couldn't do for the longest time because the association between my ex and playing guitar was so strong. So, yeah, time is your friend and it gets better.
So sorry to hear your life's been turned upside down. No matter how bad it hurts, it hurts the kids even more. I hope you both will find the strength to support them through the crisis. It will take a while to get to the new normal but you, your wife, and the kids will get there. In the mean time, don't lose touch with friends, family, and your supporters at TDPRI. Everyone will be pulling for you.
1) Women initiate 80% of divorces
2) There isn't always "someone else"
3) You can't bank goodwill...Doesn't matter how much you've busted your ass for her in the past...its what have you done for her "today"
4) 95% of Women are emotional creatures lacking logic and common sense...simply a statement of fact
5) Don't badmouth the exwife in front of the children...no matter what, don't put them in the middle
6) Stop being a Nice Guy...in fact, there are books about this worth reading. Most of us older guys are conditioned to put everyone else's needs before ours...mainly "hers". Its good to be somewhat selfish and stand up for your own needs. Don't try to be John Wayne 24 hours a day.
7) Life WILL get better...have a positive attitude. Don't give her the satisfaction of seeing you miss her. Project the confident behavior that you are better off without her...women HATE it when you don't need them, even if they don't want you...she might even want you back
8) There's probably somebody better than her out there for you...view life as one of abundance, not scarcity
9) re-establish your (support) group of MAN friends that you probably gave up for her...
"If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present." - wise words to live by.
Hang in there brother!
When my then-wife left me, I was very unhappy and tried to keep the marriage together.
Before too long, it was clear that it was on of the best things that ever happened to me.
Not saying the OP should be happy, but sometimes things work out for the best even when for a time things seem darkest.
So hang in there, and do what you gotta do to keep on keeping on. Things may just get better over time.
People are strange. I've witnessed first hand many women 35 to 40 decide they need a "life change". A good friend had his wife leave him and join a non-Christian commune. It was this time of year and her first name was Noel!! Seen this sort of thing too many times. Just sayin.
All the best man and take care.
I'm sorry to hear that. I went through a similar situation. It is very, very difficult. No doubt.
One thing to consider and it was the biggest surprise for me (I simply did not see this part coming);
I'm assuming if you've been talking about this for a year, that it is a terribly dark and heavy cloud to live underneath. I know that cloud well and any length of time almost normalizes the sense of dread.
Here's the thing: Once it is all said and done, and you have your first moment free of living under this threat (by that I mean "we're probably done" – that's a threat to live with plain and simple) you look up and for the first time in a long time, there is no dark cloud. There is no threat if the act has been carried out. I found the sun never shone so brightly. I felt like I was high as a kite for months and months.
I didn't realize the tyranny living with a threat like that was affecting me so much until it was done. If someone threatens to punch you in the face every day, you live your life wincing. If they finally punch you in the face, maybe you'll realize "PFFFFF...that wasn't so bad".
Once I got out from under that dark cloud, there was no way on earth I would ever get back underneath it.
Dude, it may not seem like it. But it gets better. Way better.