use your tools properly.

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by schmee, May 21, 2020.

  1. schmee

    schmee Doctor of Teleocity Silver Supporter

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    TOOLS EXPLAINED BY A DO-IT-YOURSELFER:

    DRILL PRESS:
    A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings objects across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL:
    Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh*t'

    ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
    Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

    SKILL SAW:
    A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS:
    Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

    BELT SANDER:
    An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW:
    One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

    VISE-GRIPS:
    Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
    Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW:
    A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
    Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

    BAND SAW:
    A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
    A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
    Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
    A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

    PRY BAR:
    A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50-cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER:
    A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER:
    Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE:
    Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as leather seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

    DAMMIT TOOL:
    Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'DAMMIT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
     
    LutherBurger, drf64, dswo and 46 others like this.
  2. Wallaby

    Wallaby Tele-Holic Silver Supporter

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    I hope this is okay -

    CHISEL:
    Used to demonstrate Newton's laws and also the proportion of mass between the handle and the "other end". Bonus - provides "information" about wearing sandals in the shop.
     
  3. jimbo735

    jimbo735 Tele-Afflicted

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    OUCH!
     
  4. jimbo735

    jimbo735 Tele-Afflicted

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    Needle nose pliers to surgically remove power cord strain reliefs and inherit a nice Pinch and blood blister until you realize maybe they made a specialty tool to remove them.Took 20 years.:)
     
    24 track, verb boten and Commodore 64 like this.
  5. carpenter

    carpenter Tele-Meister Silver Supporter

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    Rule no1 first aid kit
    well stocked
    phone that has 911 on speed dial.
     
  6. Fretting out

    Fretting out Friend of Leo's

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    You must be an old timer shmee if you call all circular saws skil saws, I do the same because that’s what all my old timer teachers called them

    And the old worm drive skil saw is the best indestructible saw ever!
     
    6stringcowboy and Blue Bill like this.
  7. kingofdogs1950

    kingofdogs1950 Tele-Afflicted

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    Clearly a man who knows his way around an emergency room.
    My all-time favorite tool was a skill (circular) saw we had at a bike shop where I worked.
    All bike mechanics were also carpenters, roofers, painters - you name it - depending on what the boss needed.
    Anyway, our saw had no blade guard and no blade brake. As in, you had an exposed blade that kept spinning for a minute or so after you finished your cut. (Shudder...)
    Almost forgot about left handed taps.
    We had a guy destroy the most expensive bike frame in the shop by using the wrong (reverse) tap in the bottom bracket. Ooops!

    Mark
     
    schmee likes this.
  8. stxrus

    stxrus Friend of Leo's

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    OMG! That’s too funny and scary at the same time
     
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  9. 1293

    1293 Poster Extraordinaire

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    We had a project in high school metal shop to forge aluminum blocks and mill them into injection molds. A friend was drilling holes for the mating pins and it bound up and broke loose from the vise. There were e-stops in the shop. He was yelling "make it stop! Make it stop!" It broke through the window and ended up in the parking lot.

    Fortunately, tragedy was averted.
     
  10. brookdalebill

    brookdalebill Tele Axpert Ad Free Member

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    Yup, I’m a tool genius, too.
    Or maybe I’ve got that backwards.
     
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  11. Obsessed

    Obsessed Telefied Ad Free Member

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    Radial arm saw - head turned 90° for ripping an 8' 2x4 and watch a board shoot out like a canon.:oops:
     
  12. BryMelvin

    BryMelvin Friend of Leo's

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    Never worked on a vertical stabilizer that would fit in a corner... Last airplane I worked on it was 45 feet high!

    Ones I sell parts for now little bit smaller but won;t fit in your garage.

    Who would have one in their garage anyway?
     
  13. MarkieMark

    MarkieMark Tele-Afflicted

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    Sounds 'bout right.
     
  14. raito

    raito Poster Extraordinaire

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    Re: UTILITY KNIFE

    Used in multi-million dollar buildings to put a vertical line on each and every one of a thousand white boards.

    True story, and not the worst at that location.
     
  15. telleutelleme

    telleutelleme Doctor of Teleocity Silver Supporter

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    8th grade wood shop teacher who made a replacement steering wheel for his 50 Chevy out of wood said:

    "Don't jump on the work bench. The work bench has stops that stick up and will cut your legs wide open and you will bleed to death. It won't be my fault because I have warned you."

    I struggled in wood shop and knew better than to take metal shop.

    I love tools but they know if you are afraid of them and they will attack if provoked. The same thing is true of my wife's cacti.
     
    Matt G, schmee and Fretting out like this.
  16. David Barnett

    David Barnett Doctor of Teleocity

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    The Law of Selective Gravitation states that a dropped object will land in the one spot where it can do the most damage.
     
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  17. esseff

    esseff Tele-Afflicted

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    Pneumatic riveting gun - a tool for executing identical C-shaped patterns on aircraft skin panels.
     
  18. beagle

    beagle Friend of Leo's

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    [​IMG]
     
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  19. johnny k

    johnny k Friend of Leo's

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    TABLE SAW:
    A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    And removing fingers. But is ok, you ve got 10 + 10. Loads of spare.
     
  20. Jackroadkill

    Jackroadkill Tele-Meister

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    Board planer - a machine that kills your old boss by spitting an oak plank into his jugular, causing him to bleed out on the workshop floor, minutes before his mate arrives.
     
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