1. Win a Broadcaster or one of 3 Teles! The annual Supporting Member Giveaway is on. To enter Click Here. To see all the prizes and full details Click Here. To view the thread about the giveaway Click Here.

Two years since I lost my dad. Thoughts.

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by superbadj, Nov 9, 2009.

  1. superbadj

    superbadj Poster Extraordinaire

    Age:
    46
    Posts:
    5,362
    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2008
    Location:
    roanoke, va
    Two years ago today, sadly, had my father taken from me way before his time.

    It was a rough period for our entire family. We are truly, uniquely close as a family. I am amazingly blessed to be part of such a great family.

    Anyway, without getting into too many details, my dad had a staph infection that got pretty nasty. Spent almost 3 months in the hospital. And in the end, after a long, horrible series of mistakes and inattention that led to further complications, he died not from the staph infection (that got really bad, but they had started to get it under control) but because of other complications from being in the hospital for too long--blood clots, pneumonia, etc.

    Needless to say, I was crushed. My father was and is my personal hero, if any person can be. He was not perfect, nobody is. But to me, he was a perfect dad, husband, friend, etc.

    I think of him every day, many times per day. I hate that my children won't get the chance to meet him. I am incredibly glad my new bridge got to know him.

    I felt a bit lost for a while. As I said, my family is tight. And my parents had always been a foundation of my life in many ways. That bedrock had been rocked by this. Suddenly, the permanent felt temporary. It was odd.

    I knew, intellectually, that time helps heal wounds. But I couldn't see how at the time.

    Now, I look back, and time has lessened the pain I felt. My memories aren't dull, and I hope they never become that. I still love my dad, and he's still part of my life. Every time I see an airplane (he was a lifelong pilot) I think of him. Every time I drive the '61 Ford Galaxie Starliner that he restored, I feel he's there with me. Any time I go see my mom (lives 2 miles from me) I feel he's still around. In a good way. A positive way.

    For those dealing with loss, my heart goes out to you. It's tough. It brings you to your knees. I had to rely on something bigger than me to get through it. And I still do. But I also rely on my family, my memories, and my love for my father. And I've worked to let go of any bad feelings about how things developed. Not easy, but doable.

    It's a strange thing, losing your parents too young. But it also showed me taht anything in life is survivable if you choose to survive.

    Hopefully I'll see him again one day. I think I will.

    Life is hard. Life is wonderful. And often, both at the same time.

    Enjoy it, fellas. Don't sweat the small stuff. Love those around you. Go for it, whatever it is. Don't wait until tomorrow.

    And KEEP PLAYING!!!:eek:
     
  2. Kerry Vance

    Kerry Vance Tele-Meister

    Posts:
    174
    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2003
    Location:
    just north of Dallas
    It's posts like this that make me realize why I come to the TDPRI. It's the things we have in common besides music and guitars. There are good people here! Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I lost my dad almost three years ago and I know exactly what you feel.
     
  3. Jakedog

    Jakedog Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

    Posts:
    19,286
    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2003
    Location:
    The North Coast
    I lost my dad in '96, he was 43, I was 23. Very unexpected, quite sudden, he was a healthy young guy. For reasons that were never able to be explained, he had a massive heart attack right after he finished mowing the grass, and was dead before he hit the floor. I was 2,000 miles away on a touring gig, he was coming to visit me the following weekend. I hadn't seen him in over a year. We were very close. I spent the next several months in a haze. I remember everything vividly, but even now, more than 13 years later, it still seems surreal. I remember the family all being there, I remember my younger brother and I playing the music for his funeral. It still seems like something that happened to somebody else.

    I know what you mean about your kids missing out on knowing him, I deal with it every day, and answer all kinds of crazy questions. Kids are unique in that they are not jaded, they're beautifully innocent, and they have no idea when they are being somewhat inappropriate. Having them around has helped me to deal more than just about anything else.

    My father is responsible for everything that I am, the good and the bad, and I am thankful for every minute I ever spent with him, or even just talking to him on the phone. He bought me my first guitar, showed me my first chords, inspired me more than anyone else to be a songwriter. He never pushed me in that direction, and when I came around to it of my own volition he tried his best to dissuade me. He knew what I'd be in for if I really tried to make a go of it. The business had utterly destroyed him more than once, he was just too sensitive and un-selfish, and way too nice a guy. But when he saw that it was the only place I'd ever felt like I belonged, and I'd found my niche in life, he supported me 110%. He went WAY out of his way to see my brother and I play whenever he could. When we were older, he'd sometimes drive ridiculous miles on a weekend to see me play at one end of Texas on a Friday night, and then scream back across the state to see my brother play somewhere else on Saturday. Before that, when we were too young to be in bars by ourselves, he would drive us to gigs, and stay all night so that we could be there and do the shows. Only to get home, catch a nap, and be up at five a.m. to get to his job, and then do it all again.

    I still think about him every single day, and certainly everytime I pick up a guitar or step onto a stage. We're still so close, sometimes I forget he's not around. Every once in a blue moon, it still happens. I hear a joke, or get to do something really cool and think I've got to tell him about right away. Sometimes I realize right away and it really brings me down. Sometimes, I get half way through dialing the number before I remember he's not gonna pick up. Those are the really hard days.

    I used to shake my head when people would say that if you truly love somebody, they're never really gone. But now I understand exactly what they mean. It's been thirteen years, and I swear it still seems like I talked to him yesterday. Sometimes I still do.

    For others out there dealing with this kind of loss, you have all the mojo I can send you. I'm hear to tell you, it never gets better, but it does get better. As time goes by, I find myself less lost and angry, and more happy and thankful. I'll never "get over" it, and truthfully, I'd feel terrible if I did. But I have learned to deal with it in positive, more uplifting ways most of the time. Hopefully y'all can too.
     
  4. ROADMAN

    ROADMAN Poster Extraordinaire

    Posts:
    6,086
    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2007
    Location:
    the Okanagan.....BC Canada
    i'm with ya bro ...Don Rhodes a wonderful extremely funny funny man and my father passed when I was 18...devastated is the word , lost for awhile till I realized he would always be with me ...and he is

    even their hobbies live on...
    [​IMG]
     
  5. Tim Bowen

    Tim Bowen Poster Extraordinaire

    Age:
    60
    Posts:
    7,478
    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2003
    Location:
    Atlanta/Rome, Georgia, US
    I understand. My thoughts are with you.

    My dad was my hero as well. Every person should be so fortunate as to have a father that they care so deeply about. I lost my father in 1995 to liver cancer. As grieved as I was (and am), I actually remember initially being pissed at him for no longer being around to offer me real world advice. To this day, no person has offered me better advice than has my father, and the void that his exit from this world created was more than I could bear for quite some time. It just seemed like there was nobody to talk to on that level anymore.

    He (and my mom) adopted me. He paratrooped into Normandy in 1944 and he did the Korean Conflict as well. After the wars, he was a lifer law enforcement officer. Throughout my father's life, people were constantly attempting to coerce him into running for various political positions, but he always respectfully declined, as he was incredibly unnassuming and didn't enjoy attention. His only real mission in life was to support his wife and his only adopted son.

    He supported, taught, defended, and loved me - and my mother - to the bone. He was honest and loyal and loving and gentle to the core. He loved music, although he was a lousy musician, and he always had guitars and mandolins around the house. He showed me how to play G, C, and D chords. He was a mechanic at heart, and always aspired to make me a mechanically-inclined person, bless his heart. I guess it always sort of bamboozled him, having been an aircraft technician for the USAF and a certified pilot, that his efforts resulted in a kid that took quite naturally to art and music. But he never tried to get me to be anybody other than I who I naturally was, and this is a rare benchmark that I've come to look for in choosing people of quality. He represents the sort of man that I'll always aspire to be, but will always fall short of.

    I regret that my wife never had the opportunity to meet my father. Those two would have gotten along famously.

    Hang in there, my friend.
     
  6. Groovey Records

    Groovey Records Banned

    Posts:
    2,390
    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2008
    Location:
    Desolation Row
    I learned something raising my own family that is mostly true.

    If I ever want to see my Father all I have to do is look closely into the mirror.

    He's there, the best parts of him and the rest too/ same goes for my Mom.

    I hope that makes you smile
     
  7. crawdad

    crawdad Tele-Afflicted

    Posts:
    1,832
    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2006
    Your post was as beautiful as it is universal. Death does not conform to our plans and wishes. It happens when it decides. I am 58, and ,amazingly, both of my parents are still alive. But I know that the inevitable is coming.

    I go and visit them, savoring each moment we are together. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? My wife's dad passed about 8 years ago. He was like a second father to me and his death was quite unexpected. I still live with the aftermath of that and miss him every day. I have also lost friends my own age and it took a lot of soul searching to get past those losses--if I really did get past them. More like accepting the truth, if you know what I mean.

    I know what you mean when you feel like he's still there with you. In some way, he is--just like the ones I have lost are still with me. I don't claim to understand the ways of spirit, but somehow all that was, still is.

    And, believe me, every relationship I am in is viewed, at least in part, with the understanding that tomorrow may never come. This life is fleeting and those of us who can live in the moment, savor it and love the ones we have in our lives, are better off for it.

    Thanks for sharing your memories and your insight. You've got it right.
     
  8. Five-O

    Five-O Tele-Afflicted

    Posts:
    1,586
    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2008
    Location:
    Huntsville, AL.
    I share your sorrow, I'm 58 and lost mine a litttle over a year ago , he was 79, so we had a long life together, but I'll tell ya it wasn't long enough, I still miss him everyday. I can only tell ya to think about the good stuff, and keep his memory near, it'll make your days a little better.
     
  9. Dave Hopping

    Dave Hopping Friend of Leo's

    Posts:
    3,502
    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2006
    Location:
    Aurora,Colorado
    The time you have is never long enough....I lost my dad before I was grown up,but in later years I found myself managing some situations as he did,and feeling a sense of comfort that there was something of him that was part of me too,and although he wasn't here,he wasn't lost,either.
     
  10. D.S.John

    D.S.John Tele-Meister

    Posts:
    291
    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2009
    Location:
    Carmarthenshire, Wales, U.K
    I lost my mother this year due to a heart attack at the age of 60, which hurts as I don't think my young daughter will have a recollection of her, I could be wrong when she can talk I can ask her. I inherited all my creativity from my mum, without her influence I wouldn't have graduated with my Art degree, it was her that introduced me to some of the best music as a teenager I had heard, this was in the 80's when a lot of the music was electronic based, she dug out her vinyl collection and introduced me to "The Doors" and "Jethro Tull", that and my friend getting me to listen to Captain Beefheart got me into blues based music. It was from there that I was inspired to play music.
    The beginnings was struggling to learn "House of the Rising Sun" which the badly played notes and my stop start approach combined with cursing kept her laughing until she died. Enlisting in the Navy mainly kept me away from playing an instrument, I did keep the candle burning with an acoustic from time to time. When I came out of the Navy for some reason I self taught myself to play the bass and continued to play for 14 years, always with support from my Mum, having my own children changed commitment to playing in a band, my time being spent at home with my family when not working. I found playing the bass a solitary and empty affair on my own so picked up the acoustic guitar, and started learning to play and sing nursery songs to entertain my son. Songs which my mother would sing to me when I was young.
    Two years on I had acquired a cheap hollowbody guitar, 100w amp and a small acoustic for my son, which we have fun together he can only make noise but enjoys it anyhow, we have fun together I have been reflective this year so it has been no suprise that The Doors and Jethro Tull have been played a lot in the house, my son in particular enjoys the crazy flute sounds.
    The death of my mother is what inspired me to come to this forum, I have always loved the look and the sound of the telecaster since I first saw Jeff Buckley playing one at a Festival back in in 95 even as a bassist there was something that drew me to that guitar, this year I sold my double bass and bought my self a brand new shiny Baja Tele, I don't know whether I did that to make up for the loss, or whether it was because sometimes you realise that time is not going to hang about for you to make up your mind, either way I am so glad I did, I often think of my Mum when I pick up that guitar and just have a little smile to myself, because without her love and support I wouldn't be the musician I am today.
     
  11. StuH

    StuH Friend of Leo's

    Posts:
    2,515
    Joined:
    May 12, 2006
    Location:
    Yukon, Canada
    Lost my dad last spring.
    Had a dream sometime back that he was holding my hand, it woke me right out of my sleep because it felt so real. Maybe it was.
     
  12. superbadj

    superbadj Poster Extraordinaire

    Age:
    46
    Posts:
    5,362
    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2008
    Location:
    roanoke, va
    It's critical to hold on to the past. It's critical to live in the present.

    There's a dichotomy there, I know. But they're both true.

    I hurt for you because I know, or at least have some sense of, how you're feeling. At least I know how I felt at that time. It's hard. It's probably getting easier in small ways on a day-to-day basis, but overall, it's hard. As I said, I know that (as Jakedog so succinctly put it) I was in a haze, and everything felt very surreal.

    That part gets a bit easier as you adjust to a new reality. But that place in your gut that feels empty, that doesn't necessarily change. The pain dulls or leaves, and that empty feeling changes I guess. But that spot is still there for me, at least, and it's just more full of keeping active memories and emotions in there. I talk to my dad, too. I don't know if he talks back, but as I said, I feel his presence.

    What I always tell people dealing with that type of loss: just go with it. IF you wanna cry, cry. If you wanna laugh, laugh. In the end, you'll start to laugh and love the memories more and the crying will mostly subside.

    It's hard, man, no doubt. But it's hard because of love, and lost love. And that's not all bad I guess.
     
  13. StratDal

    StratDal Tele-Holic

    Posts:
    899
    Joined:
    May 22, 2004
    Location:
    So Cal
    Thanks for the post super. While I haven't lost my dad, some who were a big part of my life have recently passed on. I've gotten a big dose of mortality to say the least.

    A friend of mine told me that every day is a gift and to treat it so. I try to remember that every morning as I leave the house.

    I'm sorry for your loss. I hope that you and your family and loved ones continue to find peace.

    Andy to quote the last part of your post, "KEEP PLAYING!"
     
  14. lewis

    lewis Poster Extraordinaire

    Posts:
    5,161
    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2003
    Location:
    Colorado
    [​IMG]

    It's been 1.5 yrs. since my father died.
    I still think about him at least once every hour of every day. Of course he died too soon IMO but he had a full life.
    He did suffer in his final days, as did my mother while caring for him, so he is in a better place and my mother is slowly but surely healing from her loss.
    Since I can't ask him for advice anymore I just ask myself, "What would Dad do?"
    What I can do now is teach my children all the good that he taught me.
     
  15. david_lewis93

    david_lewis93 Tele-Holic

    Posts:
    748
    Joined:
    Jul 28, 2009
    Location:
    Eureka, texas
    My dad's been gone 10 years now,it still not easy to get over . He taught me to play and he and I would trade licks,I turned him on to Dicky Betts and he tryed his best to teach me the sugar foot rag .Every now and then I hear a lick or a certain riff and it's almost like he is there beside me ,or somthing he used to play sneaks out the ends of my fingers,I know it has to be him because I aint that good .If your lucky enought to still have your dad,dont be afraid to tell him you love him,,cause when he's gone you cant.


    bend em thight and let er scream.
     
  16. Ben Harmless

    Ben Harmless Friend of Leo's

    Posts:
    4,988
    Joined:
    Mar 10, 2003
    Location:
    Salem, Mass
    superbadj, you sir, are a mentally healthy individual.
     
IMPORTANT: Treat everyone here with respect, no matter how difficult!
No sex, drug, political, religion or hate discussion permitted here.