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Today's bad joke thread - have one?

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by Flat357, Jun 30, 2011.

  1. Flat357

    Flat357 Banned

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    The wife came out of the shower naked, and said "Shut the curtains, I don't want the neighbours to see me with no clothes on".

    I said "If the neighbours see you naked, they'll shut their own damn curtains ". :D




    My Polish wife is struggling to come to terms with the English language. The other night she said to me "Me be going out with friends this night".

    Smiling, I had to correct her: " No you're fu*^%ng not!" :p



    I went out last Friday, and got totally pissed out of my mind. I woke up next to this fat sweaty bird, who was snoring, grunting, and farting.

    I thought thank fu^& for that; at least I made it home. :lol:
     
  2. Flat357

    Flat357 Banned

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    Went to the doctors today. I said " do you treat alcoholics?" He said " Of course we do". I said "Great. Get your coat on. We're off to the pub. I'm skint".



    Today, my friend asked me "If we could eliminate one race from the Olympics, what would it be?"

    I said "( .... your country of choice here ... )" . Apparently everyone else said the 800 metres. :eek:




    Why men shouldn't be agony aunts .............

    Dear Alan.

    I left home for work last week, and after less than a mile, my car stalled and wouldn't start.

    I walked all the way home to find my husband in bed with our 19 year old baby sitter. They annopunced that the affair had been going on for 2 years. Can you help me? I'm desperate.

    Dear reader.

    The most common cause of breaking down in the first mile is dirt in the fuel lines. I hope this helps. Alan. :lol:
     
  3. castpolymer

    castpolymer Poster Extraordinaire

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  4. octatonic

    octatonic Poster Extraordinaire

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    An Australian in Singapore.
    IBTL.
     
  5. Flat357

    Flat357 Banned

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    My friend asked me to smuggle a camera into prison for him. I decided to hide it up my ass. The camera went in no bother, but the tripod made my f*&"! eyes water.


    A man gets pulled over for drunk driving. When the policeman opens the door, the guy falls out of the car face first totally pissed. The policeman says "Sir, I'm taking you in. It's obvious that you are drunk"! The guy replies " Thank f"!^* for that, hic. I thought the f&^*"! steering had gone "!



    I bought some 'Meatloaf' boxer shorts today. On the front it says "I will do anything for love" and on the back it says " But I won't do that"! :D



    Took a girl home from the pub the other night. I said to her "You remind me of my little toe". Smiling, she said "Is it because I'm small and cute?" I said "No; it's because I just know that before the night is out, I'm going to bang you on my coffee table"! :lol:
     
  6. geardaddy

    geardaddy Tele-Holic

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    what did the captain of the red boat say as they crashed into the blue boat?

    "oh no! we're marooned!"
     
  7. unclearty

    unclearty Tele-Holic

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    Why won't you ever go hungry at the beach?

    Because of all the sand which is there....





    How do you catch a unique rabbit? You nique up on it.



    A nun , a Rabbi and a duck walk into a bar.

    You'd think the first two would have seen it......
     
  8. flathd

    flathd Poster Extraordinaire

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    If those are bad, I really want to hear the good ones!!:lol::lol::lol:
     
  9. Tonemonkey

    Tonemonkey Poster Extraordinaire

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    Back in South of England !!
    Two fish in a tank, one says to the other:
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .

    Target 2000m, Armour piercing, FIRE!
     
  10. Jakedog

    Jakedog Telefied Ad Free Member

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    So a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel chained to the front of his pants. Bartender says "Say captain, what's that all about?" The pirate answers "Arrrrrgh, they be drivin' me nuts!".
     
  11. telepathetic

    telepathetic Tele-Afflicted

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    I bought a microwave oven the other day.
    It came with a memory.
    I put a turkey in and pushed the buttons to cook for 20 minutes.
    The microwave oven sez to me.....

    "I remember when it took all day to cook a turkey".
     
  12. Jakedog

    Jakedog Telefied Ad Free Member

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    And a couple of beauties, courtesy of Townes Van Zandt-

    Q: What's white and crawls up your leg?
    A: Uncle Ben's perverted rice!


    So there's two drunks having an argument outside a bar, and it's getting pretty heated. Third drunk walks up, and one of the guys grabs his sleeve and says "Hey buddy, why don't you settle this argument for us?" Guy says "I'll try, what are you fightin' about?" So the first drunk says "See that thing up in the sky there? Is that the sun or the moon?" So the guy says "Aw man, I don't know. I ain't from this neighborhood!"
     
  13. Eric Karonen

    Eric Karonen RIP

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    Why did the chicken cross the road?
    Why?
    To get the Washington Post. Do you get it?
    No.
    Neither do I, I read the New York Times.
     
  14. Jakedog

    Jakedog Telefied Ad Free Member

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    Once there was an enchanted island. In a bay on the island, lived a family of porpoises. They had once saved a sorceress from drowning in a shipwreck, and as a reward, she had granted them everlasting life, in the most beautiful and secluded bay in all the ocean, where they could never be disturbed or hunted, but they were very lonely. One day a monkey came to the shore of the bay, and the porpoises spoke to him.

    They said "We love our bay, but we are very lonley, would you stay and keep us company?" The monkey answered "I'd love to, but there are no banana trees on this side of the island, and that is what I eat. I'm only here to visit for the day, and then I have to go back."

    The head porpoise asked "Is there no one else where you come from, who would move to our side of the island and keep us company? We'll live forever, and our bay is very beautiful, but we could use some friends."

    The monkey scratched his head in thought, and then said "You know, there are some gulls on the beach on my side, but they are very young, and cannot yet fly".

    The porpoise asked "Oh monkey, would it be possible for you to carry them to us?"

    The monkey answered "I would, but there is only one trail to the beach, and a great lion sleeps right in the middle of it, there is no way to pass without him seeing me, and I'm afraid I would be eaten."

    The porpoise answered "We have heard of this lion. He is very old, and very tired, he never moves at all, you would be totally safe. We would be forever grateful if you would carry the gulls to us, you have nothing to fear from the lion."

    The monkey believed the porpoise, and set off to find the gulls. When he arrived at the beach, there was the lion, lying right in the middle of the trail. It took all of his courage, but he got a running start, and leapt over the lion onto the beach. The porpoises were right! The lion did not move a muscle. Quickly scooping up the young gulls, the monkey again got a running start, leapt over the lion, and ran across the island to deliver his cargo.

    Unfortunately, when he arrived he was arrested and imprisoned on the charge of transporting juvenile gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
     
  15. Tonemonkey

    Tonemonkey Poster Extraordinaire

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    At Jakedog - outstanding.

    At others me included:
     

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  16. Tidepoolbay

    Tidepoolbay Friend of Leo's

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    There is a new pirate movie out, but kids cannot see it because it's rated Arrrrrrrrrrhhh!!!!
     
  17. Mid Life Crisis

    Mid Life Crisis Poster Extraordinaire

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    I'm planning on building my own spaceship, but everyone keeps telling me I'll never achieve it because of the technical challenges involved.

    I don't see the problem myself though - I mean it's not rocket science is it?
     
  18. unclearty

    unclearty Tele-Holic

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    Why DO we drive on parkways and park on driveways?:rolleyes:
     
  19. RedBarchetta

    RedBarchetta Tele-Meister

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    What do you get when you drop a piano down into a mining shaft?

    A flat minor.

    (Hardy har har.)
     
  20. StrangerNY

    StrangerNY Friend of Leo's Gold Supporter

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    Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

    A: Because if they flew over the bay they'd be bagels.

    ---

    Knock, knock...

    Who's there?

    Interrupting Cow.

    Interrupting c...

    MOOOOOOOOO!

    :D

    - D
     
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