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to marry or not to marry

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by omlove, Jun 6, 2019.

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  1. Mike Eskimo

    Mike Eskimo Telefied Ad Free Member

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    And for the Lords sake and especially your own - either dump her or marry her.

    Do not live together long term.

    My sister will give you 4,000 and 10 reasons why not.

    The 4,000 sq ft house her 26 yr partner grabbed out from under her was sitting on 10 acres.

    Had they been married it would not have happened.
     
  2. 8barlouie

    8barlouie Friend of Leo's Gold Supporter

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    I’ve been married for 31 years. In the 35 years we’ve been together, there have been numerous highs and lows. For us, it’s been well worth it. We’re partners. We face our challenges and victories together. Yet, we each allow each other their own space. I get to do my guitar thing with my buddies. She gets to do her gardening and genealogy. We have an only child whose going on 30 who is all aces.

    Make no mistake about it; marriage requires work. Here is a short list of big mistakes that IME young couples make:

    1. The magic spark that first attracted you to each other will mellow over time. My wife is a very attractive woman. She doesn’t look anywhere near her age of 60, but my heart doesn’t go pitter patter everytime she enters the room like it used to. Long after the initial attraction has somewhat waned, it’s the things she does. The way she smiles at me. The way she holds her breath as I try a new recipe she made for the first time. The way she cares for me. Young people think everyday is going to be like the first time. It ain’t. It actually gets better, just not in the same way.

    2. Young couples spend waaaay too much money on the wedding. A fairytale wedding can cost in excess of $100,000. Are you kidding me? For what, a bag full of memories? You can saved all that money and make a nice payment on a house. Same goes for the ring. If she’s that materialistic, go find a girl who appreciates the real valuable things in life. I’ll give you a hint, it ain’t rocks.

    3. Learn to forgive each other. None of us are perfect. I still occasionally f up. Say you’re sorry. Mean it. Make it up to her when you do f up. It’s been said that love means never having to say you’re sorry. What a crock!

    4. Enjoy the trip. Goals and ambitions are important, but the trip is just as much fun as getting there. I totally get that some guys here have had a bad go of it, and but for the grace of god and some hard work on our parts, I could very well be in the same boat.

    5. Make sure you’re friends. Make sure you like each other’s company. It doesn’t mean you should share all the same likes and dislikes.

    That’s it. Best of luck to you both.
     
    mfromb, P Thought, RYAN1987M and 13 others like this.
  3. MrCairo46

    MrCairo46 Friend of Leo's Gold Supporter

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    Ok
    A few questions.
    Do you miss her when she’s gone?
    Do you do things without her wishing she were there?
    Can you imagine driving from New York to Miami with her and feel comfortable with a couple hours of silence?
    Could you do the same with her mother?
    If you both like the same mints or candy, would you buy just her one on a whim?
    Can she lean her head on your shoulder, close her eyes and fall asleep and you will not twitch for fear of waking her. ?
    Can you two disagree without arguing?
    Could you stand the thought of seeing her with another man?
    If you are a Jokster, will she be your partner in crime.?
    Can you cry together.?
    Can you laugh together?
    Can the two of you dream about your future together?
    Can you imagine yourself,married to her till you take your last breath?
    Can you forgive her when she screws up?
    Can you forgive yourself when YOU screw up?
    Can you read this with her and can you both answer?

    That’s a start............
     
  4. Paul in Colorado

    Paul in Colorado Telefied Ad Free Member

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    I've never been married, but I have been divorced. I'm a horrible judge about these kinds of things. You need to have some deep difficult conversations and lay it all out on the table. What do you want? How are you going to get it? How are you supporting each other monetarily and emotionally? Are you each other's best friend? Do you want kids? How are you going to raise them? What schools? What belief systems do you share and are you going to pass them on to the kids.

    And since most of us here are guys, is she hot? :p
     
  5. hotpot

    hotpot Tele-Afflicted

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    Tough call! You've got to be 100% into marriage otherwise you're asking for trouble further down the road, It takes a lot of give & take to have a healthy marriage, I've been married 46 years and couldn't envisage what life would have been like without my lovely missus.

    I've got friends that have strayed from the marriage thinking the grass is greener on the other side only to find acrimony and lose everything for want of a better word " a bit of skirt"
    Don't rush into it if you're uncertain is the best advice I can give.:)
     
  6. Mike Simpson

    Mike Simpson Doctor of Teleocity

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    At one year in, you don't know each other well enough. Marriage could be great, for me it has not been.

    Marriage for me has been a prison. I married the girl I dated in high school. At 62 I have been married 42 years and it has been the worst decision of my life both to marry and to stay married and the only good thing to come from it are my kids, I love my kids but they are adults now. I found out many years later that shortly after we were married she killed my dog and told me it ran away and she helped me look for it. I didn't find out until decades of misery later. In the 80's she got pregnant and had an abortion and many years later I found out that the reason she did that was the baby was obviously not going to be the the product of two white parents. I did not find this out until after our kids were born and we stayed married and planned to divorce after the kids were out of high school. When the youngest was almost out of school she was diagnosed with a brain tumor and that was 12 years and a couple of brain surgeries ago. I have stayed married because she can't work and support herself and can't move in with any other family. There is more but I'll leave it at that.

    When they say for better or worse...
     
  7. guitartwonk

    guitartwonk Tele-Holic

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    Haha, I bet. To be fair it should scare you, at least a bit. It's a big decision.

    Whatever you do though, make your OWN decision, not based on pressure, from your girlfriend or her parents (it's a positive thing they're pressuring you as it shows they like you at least!), but based solely on what's right for you.

    Whatever you decide, if your girlfriend truly loves you, she will respect your choices.

    You're right, this place is great. There's some great advice on here, some wheat, some chaff, YOU do the sorting... LOL...

    Sent from my Phone using Tapatalk
     
    Piggy Stu likes this.
  8. blowtorch

    blowtorch Telefied Ad Free Member

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    This is actually very important.
    Women TURN INTO their mothers.

    They simply do.
     
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  9. MrCairo46

    MrCairo46 Friend of Leo's Gold Supporter

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    Yup took me to the second wife to realize that......
     
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  10. scottser

    scottser Friend of Leo's

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    Can she play bass at least?
    Only half joking here. I worked with my wife for years before we got together and we learned to be a solid team who had each others back long before we ever dated. My advice is to weigh up whether you value more what you put into your relationship over what you get out of it. Me, I feel like there is nothing we couldn't achieve together and that's pure gold.
    Good luck with whatever you decide.
     
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  11. ndcaster

    ndcaster Poster Extraordinaire

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    marry as early as you can to someone you are both attracted to and respect, and vice versa

    then think of marriage as a life-long school for becoming a better person in general

    and part of a local history

    but remember: you can't be married if you first don't marry marriage itself.

    the only thing you can't "practice" is commitment.

    .02
     
  12. getbent

    getbent Telefied Silver Supporter

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    there is no real test for this..... in the end, you'll end up doing what she wants...

    so, let us know...
     
    bender66 likes this.
  13. raysachs

    raysachs Friend of Leo's Silver Supporter

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    Not true, man. Many couples have divorced, later decided it was a mistake, and re-married.
     
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  14. raysachs

    raysachs Friend of Leo's Silver Supporter

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    Glad as hell that wasn't in place in my day. Married at 26 (wife was 24), two kids by age 30. Both kids were more or less out of the house by the time I was 50 - I'd recommend all of this to anyone. Of course, you have to find the right partner, but that's really the bottom line in ALL of this...
     
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  15. blowtorch

    blowtorch Telefied Ad Free Member

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    and there's no sure way to know for certain whether you've chosen the right one, until it's way too late
     
  16. maxvintage

    maxvintage Poster Extraordinaire

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    I was married once, went through a difficult divorce, and have been married for twenty years to my best friend. She's great; she makes everything better

    I'm an older, wiser person than I was twenty years ago. I'm less easily provoked. I hold my tongue more and can shrug things off more. That helps. She would likely say the same. I'm a better father and a better band member too.

    Marriage involves compromise. You have to be willing to take pleasure in the compromise and you have to be open to trying the things your spouse wants to try. We've been through good times and hard times and it deepens the relationship.

    I don't want to come off like some wise dude--I'm lucky we're compatible. I like her family a lot. She likes mine. We witness each other's lives.

    Lots of good things about being single too
     
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  17. guitartwonk

    guitartwonk Tele-Holic

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    Not IME. This is no more true than men turning into their fathers. YMMV ;-)

    Sent from my Phone using Tapatalk
     
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  18. raysachs

    raysachs Friend of Leo's Silver Supporter

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    Lots of wisdom in this post, but these points in particular. The immediacy of the lust fades, but the love doesn't and the lust doesn't have to either, but it changes. My heart doesn't go pitter patter each time my wife walks into the room anymore either, but it does anytime I wake up and see her sleeping next to me. A woman you love is a lot like a kid that can wear you out when they're running around, but when you see them asleep at night, they're as cute and beautiful as the day they were born. Every day I wake up with her, I'm thankful as hell I've gotten to spend my life with her and hope we both last a good long time going forward. We'll piss each other off from time to time during the day (not a lot, but it does happen on occasion) and I can't say we've never gone to bed mad, but we've never woken up mad. And, yeah, it does get better over time, waaaay better, but it changes - it's never the same as it was when you were brand new.

    And ABSOLUTELY make sure you're friends. When I was 20 I could feel lust for damn near any reasonably attractive woman, but I couldn't hang with many of them for more than a few days without going nuts. But suddenly one of them was my best friend, the most comfortable person to be with I'd ever been around. We could talk or not talk, do stuff together or do absolutely nothing together, and it was just easy. I'd never experienced that before and that's when I knew. I wouldn't say I had any more immediate lust with her than any number of other women I'd been with, but I'd never been more comfortable with another person, ever. That's huge. And it's still the same 36 years after we first got together.
     
  19. hudpucker

    hudpucker Tele-Meister

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    MGTOW?

    The incel loser group?
     
  20. ndcaster

    ndcaster Poster Extraordinaire

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    "When I was 20 I could feel lust for damn near any reasonably attractive woman"

    only at 20? lol

    I get what you're saying. At 24 years in, love between my wife and me is more like emerging into a big beautiful lake that comes after shooting the rapids.

    If you married a good one, she'll join you at some point in seeing it that way. But it's bound up with how people confront their mortality, which is a heavy and particular thing different for everyone.

    I wish you all happiness and peace. It's never easy, even when it appears to be.
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2019
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