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to marry or not to marry

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by omlove, Jun 6, 2019.

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  1. Straydogger

    Straydogger Tele-Holic

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    I was married for 17 years. Mostly good ones but not the last 4-5. Now divorced for 16 years. People change. We both did and not for the better, I guess.
     
  2. bftfender

    bftfender Poster Extraordinaire

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    [​IMG]
     
  3. marcflores

    marcflores Tele-Meister

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    Thankfully, people never seem to take my advice.
     
  4. kelnet

    kelnet Telefied Ad Free Member

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    https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2016/04/the-divorce-gap/480333/
     
  5. kelnet

    kelnet Telefied Ad Free Member

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    Husband screws around. Wife says she wants a divorce. Sounds reasonable.
     
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  6. Chunkocaster

    Chunkocaster Poster Extraordinaire

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    Most married folks that up until now have had successful marriages will prefer others marry too. Why should you get off scot free and live a life with zero possibility of having to go through a messy divorce?:)

    The notion of having to leave someone you love because you don't think signing a form or filing papers with fees attached makes a difference to anything but the system seems odd to me. It's more akin to paying taxes, buying a car or house than just living and enjoying life with a suitable partner.
     
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2019
  7. kelnet

    kelnet Telefied Ad Free Member

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    I've been happily married for just over 34 years. I don't recommend it to anyone. It's hard work at times. I've had to be considerate when I would much rather be selfish. I've had to do things that were not my preference. I've had to do chores that I don't like doing. I've had to be responsible for the care of another, which I wouldn't have had to do if I was single. I've had to spend time with her relatives, some of whom I find really boring. I've had to feign interest in books that I would never read. I've had to participate in conversations about coworkers that I don't know and don't care about. And on and on and on.

    If you're not willing to do stuff like that, don't get married. However, you would miss out on the other 90% of a marriage, which is a bunch of really good stuff.
     
  8. Chunkocaster

    Chunkocaster Poster Extraordinaire

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    I think you should do that for a partner you love and live your life with regardless of signing the papers and paying the fees to marry. Being supportive and caring about your partner is just a part of being in a relationship with them. The Marriage thing though is just a Traditional/formal procedure with fees and formalities attached that make it easier for outsiders to step in and process you when it suits them.

    The majority of us are so conditioned into thinking love and life needs to be processed through a system of contracts and formalities that it can't exist without following certain pre determined procedures.

    If that was true then if marriage was ever outlawed it would equate with most people setting their partners free and being single. I can't see that happening with most people in long term relationships.

    On one hand you have a strong bond, commitment and love between two people and on the other hand you have societies pre determined expectations and procedures that can apparently override everything else.

    My thoughts on it are that if you are in a relationship with someone who places societies expectations and formal requirements above the bond and love they feel for you then the chance of it surviving is compromised.
     
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2019
  9. MrClint

    MrClint Tele-Holic

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    I'm not going to read through 20 pages, and I'm not going to offer any advice. You're on your own pal, we're all on our own. The heart wants what the heart wants, and love is blind. I found a girl that cared about me, and took good care of me, and I couldn't live without her. Everything was her idea, the marriage, the house, the cars, the kids. She loved me enough to make a strong case for all of these things, and put up with my fish tanks, guitars or whatever else I was into or out of. Her ideas were all such great ideas and everything worked out well because of her. I've been lucky to have her in my life. As Harry Chapin would say, "She's the only story of my life."
     
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  10. SecretSquirrel

    SecretSquirrel Friend of Leo's Silver Supporter

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    I would really explore that feeling. Offhand, based on that remark, I'd say wait. (disclaimer: I've never married.) But as someone else said, it's possible you're just hesitant about a big change in itself.

    This might help...look at the charts she makes and maybe you can trace the roots of those misgivings you feel, see what's contributing to them:

     
  11. claes

    claes Tele-Afflicted

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    Saw this tread yesterday and wanted to write something. But it's such an complexed issue on a forreign language...plus it touches politics.

    ...but it such an important discussion.

    Everywhere I look I see people who refuse to grow up. An infantile Peter Pan society. The president of united states (Bill Clinton) was photographed several times sitting in McDonalds in shorts having lunch (while in office). Yea, what a surprise that the little boy "never inhaled, it was only the other boys".

    To qoute homer simpson. "If they where the greatest generation, how come they raised kids like me"
     
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2019
  12. telemnemonics

    telemnemonics Telefied Ad Free Member

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    I totally agree that there are lots of problems with today's marriage industry, where we sign a contract with church and state that excludes the legal part where lawyers and judges fight over the scraps of lost partnerships.
    Might be worth fixing some of that, like putting some hard questions on the marriage license, and maybe also not having lawyers who want a big payout negotiate family dismantling.

    For me the idea of getting married was making a commitment to not discard or trade up my partner, if challenges were inconvenient or I just felt like getting a newer model.
    Saying to my GF that whatever happens I will try to work through it with you, and will support your happiness as if it were my own.
    "Girlfriend". Mmmm. What is that? After 45 years I wanted something more than a GF, wanted a devoted commitment.

    Much of the problem may be societal norms pushing people into actions they are not ready for.

    I never felt I had to marry someone, never found anyone I felt I needed to marry, then I did.

    WRT this thread, it's a sad read, regrettable.
    I'm not mod material but if I was a mod I think I'd delete the whole damn thing.
     
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2019
  13. raysachs

    raysachs Friend of Leo's Silver Supporter

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    I’m not seeing much of that. Some of us have been more fortunate, luckier, whatever, and have had a very good marriage, whether on the first try or not. But most have warned the OP that only he can know if it’s right, if he’s ready, that he needs to figure out whether he has real doubts or just typical nerves. And since he weighed back in within the last couple pages, I think it’s nearly unanimous that he should NOT get married...
     
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  14. Deeve

    Deeve Poster Extraordinaire Silver Supporter

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    KillHurt.jpg
     
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  15. richiek65

    richiek65 Friend of Leo's

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    This guy's got it all worked out

     
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  16. Chunkocaster

    Chunkocaster Poster Extraordinaire

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    By the sounds of it you were already devoted and committed to the relationship regardless of going through the marriage procedure. You do get to call your girlfriend of 45 yrs your wife though so there's that and it's a nice gesture if it's important to you and your partner. I don't think threads like this should be deleted. Open discussion sharing personal experiences and questioning why traditional ceremonies representing love and devotion may sometimes be valued above actual love and devotion are necessary and useful imo.
     
    Last edited: Jun 8, 2019
  17. Mike Eskimo

    Mike Eskimo Telefied Ad Free Member

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    You can and should have a contract/legal document regarding who owns what if you are not married but living together long term.
     
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  18. P Thought

    P Thought Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

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    I have to weigh in again here. I still got nothing.
     
  19. Owenmoney

    Owenmoney Tele-Afflicted

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    I agree,
    Art of an open forum is allowing for differing points of view. There’s a lot of stuff happening in this country with sugar coating real life, Weis is funny considering they’re trying to remove sugar from all of our food and drinks.
    Real life isn’t always pretty, a lot of people wear masks, and present a false image of who they are. I’ll probably get flamed for this but quite honestly until you see a woman without her makeup, just who are you seeing?
    I’m glad I love my wife without makeup. She’s real, honest to goodness real.


    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
     
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  20. blowtorch

    blowtorch Telefied Ad Free Member

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    And you still misspelled misogyny. Not nitpicking, just, that's funny.

    I see now that's been pointed out earlier. Carry on....women bad...:)
     
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