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to marry or not to marry

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by omlove, Jun 6, 2019.

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  1. omlove

    omlove Tele-Meister

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    I know this is a guitar forum... but I learned more wisdom about life than guitar here, especially here at the Cafe. Go figure.

    I'm 34 she's 27. We have been together for almost a year. We talked about marriage and discussed it openly. Now I'm in the market of buying an engagement ring.

    But there's this uneasy feeling that keeps bothering me. I have heard men quit their wedding, and experienced friend talking to me for two months debating whether or not to get married. I used to think it's not a common thing but when the moment strikes me, I'm feeling the same way.

    I don't know how to describe, perhaps the shine of diamonds had caused me dizzy. Or it's my inherit lack of responsibility and commitment. Call me a bad guy. Or it's the fear of chores and financial burdens going forward when needing a house, feeding kids and mowing lawns. Or all above with a dozen more feelings mixed in. Yes, the ring will cost more than your custom shop tele and it won't play! (any many people won't even wear the diamond later on...)

    So here I am. To quote some wise words from another post I just read, sway me in either direction, or ridicule me, enlighten me, in any way...
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2019
  2. Big_Bend

    Big_Bend Poster Extraordinaire

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    MGTOW FTW!

    Absolutely do not get married. I cannot stress this enough.

    Good luck...
     
  3. Hatfield92

    Hatfield92 Tele-Holic

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    What’s the rush?

    I’ve been married. And divorced. Not a fan.
     
  4. ladave

    ladave Tele-Holic

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    Certainly no expert here, but it seems to me like it should be something you want to do. And maybe I missed it but I didn't pick up on anything in your post that conveyed you actually wanting to marry this young lady.

    Just a first impression...
     
  5. Chunkocaster

    Chunkocaster Poster Extraordinaire

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    You are in the danger zone as far as age goes these days. I wouldn't get married unless she has way more money than you and seems stable and idolizes you. Even then it's risky.

    Would you toss a coin if it meant possibly loosing everything you have along with having your heart torn out and carrying a lifelong injury you may never fully recover from?
    Conservative stats say you've got around 50% chance of making it work.
    The stats are based on couples that were mostly not subjected to Facebook, online dating or cheating sites and a growing acceptance that cheating is acceptable and becoming the norm.
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2019
  6. memorex

    memorex Friend of Leo's

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    My personal advice is if you have any reservations about it, don't get married. I got married the first time at 24. I had plenty of reservations, but I did it anyway. It was an expensive fiasco that didn't last two years. I didn't marry a second time until I was 46, and this marriage has lasted 23 years. You still have time, so be certain this is the one, and that you're ready.
     
  7. Heathfinn

    Heathfinn Tele-Meister

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    Question is are you hesitant because its a huge life step, or because you question being with this particular person? If the former, I'd say do it, if the latter, don't. It was one of the best things I've ever done.
     
  8. Chud

    Chud Poster Extraordinaire

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    Nothing wrong with feeling hesitation and second thoughts about getting engaged and married. I think the key is being honest with yourself about where those fears come from and what they're really about, and being open, honest and communicative with your partner about them. Dollars to donuts she's probably feeling similarly.
     
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  9. Toto'sDad

    Toto'sDad Telefied Ad Free Member

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    I have been married for 53 years. I have a family that no amount of money could take the place of. I have a friend who's a confirmed bachelor, where he lives he can't even have a dog. To say he's lonely would be a disservice to the use of the word.
     
  10. blowtorch

    blowtorch Telefied Ad Free Member

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    nonononononononononononononononononono

    marriage for a man is a liability only these days. There is nothing you can get from within a marriage that you can't get outside of it, except the added risk of losing at least half of everything you have
     
  11. Chunkocaster

    Chunkocaster Poster Extraordinaire

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    Marriage doesn't get you much other than a party and ring. It's no guarantee or even a binding contract these days. Just live together for 10 years and see how things pan out. Keep your finances separate though and stash some away for safety and peace of mind. Love is not a constant thing for some people. Todays love could be tomorrows boring partner that is easily replaceable if you have a internet connection and the motivation/ lack of morals to skip out and move on to a more exciting life until that gets boring too.
     
    Last edited: Jun 6, 2019
  12. BigDaddyLH

    BigDaddyLH Tele Axpert Ad Free Member

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    Fear of chores?! (Sweet baby ribs! Let me not get sidetracked...)

    I'm not one of those "don't get married" guys. I've been known to chafe at my yoke in this forum, but marrying my wife is the best thing I've ever done.

    On the other hand, I am against the whole "man produces the ring and pops the question" thing. A couple needs to sits down and discuss what they want from the marriage. How many kids? When? Where will you live? Who will work, when, and what job? There's the old joke that a man marries a woman because their partnership is perfect and he wants it not to change in any way, while the woman thinks, "Great! Once we're married, we can change *everything*". The ring is the least of all this.
     
  13. joealso

    joealso Tele-Holic

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    If you're wondering, that's a big clue that it may not be right. Remember, it's a lot easier to change your mind before you get married than afterwards.

    I was married for 25 years. They were 6 of the happiest years of my life. Not consecutive.

    I'm on wife #2 now for the past 11 years and never been happier or more in love. When it's right, you'll know it.
     
  14. Jakethedog

    Jakethedog TDPRI Member

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    Marriage is a mental commitment.

    Age is irrelevant, IMO anyway.

    Theoretically marriage should t change anything. It’s just a piece of paper right? Well it does. The first two years were tough for me and most people I know. For whatever reason there is extra stress on the relationship. Little things can turn in to a big deal, and it’s confusing as to why.

    After that phase things get pretty good. You end up stronger for it. Gain a confidence you haven’t ever had before, and a partner to get through all the good times and the bad times.

    Marry for love first, companionship second, comfort third is what my grandfather told me. I tried to do that and 9 years later my life is better than ever.

    That’s just how my marriage works though, everyone’s is different.

    Don’t sweat the material things, house, and such. It all comes together when you have the right partner.

    If you weren’t at least a little nervous I’d think something was wrong.

    Best of luck to you. No one here can tell you what to do. Trust your instinct on this one, listen to your gut, and only consider what others tell you.
     
  15. Skub

    Skub Poster Extraordinaire

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    Right match = good.

    Wrong match = bad.

    Only you may decide.
     
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  16. Zepfan

    Zepfan Doctor of Teleocity Gold Supporter

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    My wife and I got married when we were 18 years old back in 1982. Married 37 years this September.

    Marriage is work. Love is great, but living with the same person over the years can be rewarding and can be irritating too. As long as both of you are willing to work at it and love each other enough to do what needs to be done, forsaking others and supporting each other, it will work.
    If neither of you are willing to do this, it will fail.
    Living together isn't the same as being married.
     
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  17. Piggy Stu

    Piggy Stu Friend of Leo's

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    Imagine me and you are friends, and you hope to stay friends with me forever

    Is the way to do that to handcuff us together, and rig the handcuffs so that if we want to unshackle, a bomb will blow our arms off?

    Or can we keep it informal?

    PS: this is not me offering to marry you
     
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  18. BigDaddyLH

    BigDaddyLH Tele Axpert Ad Free Member

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    Not to a woman who wants to have children. Tick, tick...
     
  19. Danjabellza

    Danjabellza Friend of Leo's

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    Only marry her if you cannot imagine not marrying her. If you can imagine a better life than being married to her, it’s probably not the choice to make right now. That’s not to say she’s not the right girl. She may be the right girl. She may be the best candidate for your happy lifelong successful marriage. But until you know that, it’s probably not the right call. Keep dating a while and see what happens. It might work itself out one way or the other on its own.
     
  20. kelnet

    kelnet Telefied Ad Free Member

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    A friend of mine got married to a guy who turned out be a complete deadbeat. The marriage ended after ten years, and she was forced to re-mortgage her townhouse in order to buy him out. She ended up deeper in debt. He walked away with $120,000.

    It's not always the woman who causes the divorce or comes out better, despite your own experiences, BT.
     
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