The BIG Shift in life...

[arlum]

This reads like an emotional support group for oldies. All we're missing is a set of ten geriatric groupies dressed up as cheerleaders doing some of those shoulder standing pom pom waving formations.

 

[Telenator]

You giggers get to retire and slip back to a skill level that the rest of us have pursued since we started playing, that many of us will never reach. Lucky!

No luck involved whatsoever. Not even fortunate.
Playing guitar well is a discipline that requires constant attention from most people. It slips away like anything else we neglect in our lives.
I once stopped for 5 years to the point I had to re-learn a lot of stuff. Studied with a great teacher and came back stronger than ever!
I still play every day or I would lose my chops completely.

 

[Telenator]

This reads like an emotional support group for oldies. All we're missing is a set of ten geriatric groupies dressed up as cheerleaders doing some of those shoulder standing pom pom waving formations.

Let's hear what you've got!

 

[Telenator]

Let's hear what you've got!

We're waiting.....

 

[Nogoodnamesleft]

Same thing for me. 7 years ago, I was in three bands. Quite active, gigging, rehearsing. Then two of the bands folded (various reasons), and the third has become more or less ceremonial. I thought it would be easy to hook up with new people and bands. Wrong. Were I to be interested in classic rock or metal, things would be easier for sure. But the biggest factor is age.

No one wants to play with grandpa. I've lost little if any of whatever skills I've gained through the years, but how well I play or don't seems to matter little. Even when older players are not explicitly screened out in gig/band listings, it can and does happen in person. I see it in people's eyes.

Doesn't mean I stop looking, but this has become a long-running, endless frustration. Ageism is everywhere, not just in the workplace. As a culture, we fear death and mostly reject older people. And one does not have to be much older than others in a band setting to have it happen.

Unfortunately this hits home. Several times age has been a factor in a few disappointing situations lately. I’ve talked at length with my therapist about it and he agrees that it seems like the last bastion of socially acceptable jokes and discrimination. The funny thing is I’ve met people in their 20s who are ready to hang up their dreams and people in their 70s who are still going at it. My dad is in his mid 70s and last summer bought an inflatable dinghy to paddle around the coastline. Honestly what does age - any age - have to do with anything other than maybe a few extra check marks on a medical requisition growing with the candles.

 

[mad dog]

This reads like an emotional support group for oldies ...

And this snark effectively proves my point. Discussing age-related discrimination brings it out very quickly. A part of life we all go through, somehow not worthy of discussion. Somehow signaling weakness. Laughable. The usual macho BS. I've seen it for years in work environments. Somehow did not expect to see it in musical settings.

But of course, this being a nation unable to face things like death, growing older ... I was wrong.

BTW: One reason TDPRI is my favorite musical forum is exactly what's happening here. A certain unexpected openness. This really is a supportive group, musically and otherwise. At least to me, that is a very good thing.

 

[Telecaster88]

I'm 54. Been through a series of health issues going back to my mid-twenties that have limited a lot of my options in life. I've just tried to adapt and keep going. It's a drag sometimes, but I try to accept things. I think a big part of getting older is learning to cope with your ever expanding limitations.

@Telenator , if it's any consolation, it's something that just about everybody has to go through, if they're lucky enough to get old.

 

[Telenator]

And this snark effectively proves my point. Discussing age-related discrimination brings it out very quickly. A part of life we all go through, somehow not worthy of discussion. Somehow signaling weakness. Laughable. The usual macho BS. I've seen it for years in work environments. Somehow did not expect to see it in musical settings.

But of course, this being a nation unable to face things like death, growing older ... I was wrong.

BTW: One reason TDPRI is my favorite musical forum is exactly what's happening here. A certain unexpected openness. This really is a supportive group, musically and otherwise. At least to me, that is a very good thing.

I hope arlum was just kidding. I throw things out there at times that could be taken the same way, and just hope it's taken as intended.
If not, I've got one heck of a backpedal!

 

[AquariumRock]

Moving to Vermont pretty much ended my playing career. I was suddenly faced with having to become an acoustic player, and not enjoy the energy of an electric rock/blues band. Not to mention that the talent pool anywhere south of Burlington and the Northeast Kingdom is truly dismal.
I have only two requirements when I play with people.
1) You have play in time.
2) You have to play in tune.
You cannot imagine how difficult it is to find that in Vermont. Very discouraging.
I feel extremely fortunate to have had the years of playing that I've enjoyed, and I also wish it had ended by my choice. Not some unseen fate.

It’s interesting you say this. I’m in Vt too, and I’m not a native. For a place that holds such pride in quirky creativity, there really isn’t a lot of it going on. Burlington is a cool town but the personality has flipped into a really cynical kind of self congratulatory piety.

I’ve lived here for about 5 years. It was never a pie in the sky dream for me, it was just a place I liked and that fit with my lifestyle at the time. As I’ve gotten older— and Im not really old (mid 30’s), it wears on me at times. It’s a very juvenile kind of maturity here. It’s what a 23 year old out of college takes to be artistic and cool and expressive. And it’s not that those people don’t have a right to determine their own creativity, it’s just that, and I suspect they might know this deep down, they have very little to say with their art.

It’s like how bad writers try to compensate for a lack of ideas with a flair for vocabulary. It’s a neat trick, but it’s not why people read stories.

 

[mad dog]

I hope arlum was just kidding.

Me too. Didn't sound like a joke, but it's very hard to tell in online posts. I'm good at backpedaling too!!

 

[Telenator]

It’s interesting you say this. I’m in Vt too, and I’m not a native. For a place that holds such pride in quirky creativity, there really isn’t a lot of it going on. Burlington is a cool town but the personality has flipped into a really cynical kind of self congratulatory piety.

I’ve lived here for about 5 years. It was never a pie in the sky dream for me, it was just a place I liked and that fit with my lifestyle at the time. As I’ve gotten older— and Im not really old (mid 30’s), it wears on me at times. It’s a very juvenile kind of maturity here. It’s what a 23 year old out of college takes to be artistic and cool and expressive. And it’s not that those people don’t have a right to determine their own creativity, it’s just that, and I suspect they might know this deep down, they have very little to say with their art.

It’s like how bad writers try to compensate for a lack of ideas with a flair for vocabulary. It’s neat, but beside the point.

Interesting. My biggest gripe with Vermont is that it seems the majority of people take very little pride in the things they do. The music scene anywhere below Burlington is dismal and populated by hacks that have been playing the same songs for 30 years and trainwrecking them in the same place every time, followed by laughter, that it's somehow OK to have never learned the song.
I am also irritated by the way Vermonters pontificate over "the issues" as if they have an actual idea of what's going on. The hippie, yoga, psuedo-spiritual, earthy, crunchy windbags talk with that, yooou knoooow, drawl, and act as if they're setting the example for the rest of the world to follow.
Financially, I can believe the state even exists.
Vermont is a beautiful place way out in the country, and I love driving and riding by motorcycle through there. But as a musician, moving here was the worst decision of my life.

Have you ever seen the TV show Aerial America? They fly over our country one state at a time and zoom in on points of interest. The episode on Vermont Doesn't show ANYTHING below Montpilier, and they only mention it because it's the state capital.
There is no mention or footage of Rutland, Manchester, Bennington, Wilmington, Brattlboro or the towns in between. 75% of the state is just plain omitted from the show. There's a message in that.

 

[Harry Styron]

I gave up on my dream of being a gigging musician about 30 years ago. I still have fantasies of making quality home recordings and play out bits of music in my head and have some song and lyric ideas but nothing comes of it. I was never a prolific songwriter anyway but I always wanted to be. I guess I haven't really "lost" anything in that regard then. But the OP's comment about moving from thinking about things that you did as opposed to things that you are going to do really hit home with me. Last year Mrs Greg70 came down with a disabling chronic illness. It changed everything in the course of a week. Her income was cut by more than half when she had to quit her job and go on disability. It's much more difficult for her to travel now and we couldn't afford to if she could. We used to do a lot of weekend trips and now those are gone. My vacation days at work are now spent taking her to doctor appointments and medical treatments. We're going to have to sell our 2 story house because she has difficulty navigating stairs now. So my happily ever after has become just living for the moment.

I’m in somewhat the same situation as caregiver for my wife, who has Alzheimers. We are both 70. She’s still a good companion in many ways, but our dreams of retirement that included lots of activities with our grandchildren, traveling, and playing music with our friends, have substantially gone out the window.

I’m in a band that does a dozen gigs a year, and can still do that for now. I’m still working, 75% from home at a desk, and can continue that, slowly tapering down. Because I spend so much time at a desk, working on recording projects is the last thing I want to do, though I would like to record my wife singing (while she can) and music that I have composed.

I think about that John Milton sonnet, When I Consider How My Light is Spent, which laments giving up a passion, “that one Talent, which is death to hide,” and concludes, “They also serve who only stand and wait.” This poem brings me no comfort, but tells me that my plight is far from unique.

 

[AquariumRock]

Interesting. My biggest gripe with Vermont is that it seems the majority of people take very little pride in the things they do. The music scene anywhere below Burlington is dismal and populated by hacks that have been playing the same songs for 30 years and trainwrecking them in the same place every time, followed by laughter, that it's somehow OK to have never learned the song.
I am also irritated by the way Vermonters pontificate over "the issues" as if they have an actual idea of what's going on. The hippie, yoga, psuedo-spiritual, earthy, crunchy windbags talk with that, yooou knoooow, drawl, and act as if they're setting the example for the rest of the world to follow.
Financially, I can believe the state even exists.
Vermont is a beautiful place way out in the country, and I love driving and riding by motorcycle through there. But as a musician, moving here was the worst decision of my life.

Have you ever seen the TV show Aerial America? They fly over our country one state at a time and zoom in on points of interest. The episode on Vermont Doesn't show ANYTHING below Montpilier, and they only mention it because it's the state capital.
There is no mention or footage of Rutland, Manchester, Bennington, Wilmington, Brattlboro or the towns in between. 75% of the state is just plain omitted from the show. There's a message in that.

I remember that actually. That came out a little before we moved here. Or at least I saw it just beforehand. No doubt it’s a beautiful place.

I’m with you on the holiness of some people. It’s like they think their way of thinking is so self evidentially correct that to question it is an act of violence. The “well if you don’t get it you’re just too stupid or backwards, it would be wasting my time to try and explain it to you” attitude.

I’m not much of a sage, but I’d bet my bottom dollar I’ve seen more of the country than your average Vermonter, and the biggest takeaway I got from it is to stop thinking I knew everything. They didn’t get the memo. (Carrier pigeon must have gotten lost.)

Phish is the only real band of repute to come out of the state and in a way that’s perfect. The whole sort of loopy, having fun in a way where everyone is in on it type of vibe fits perfectly. Except those guys can play when they want to. Most of the musical acts I’ve seen around or heard as “local artists” are just hokey. Like you said, it’s almost uncool to know a song all the way through. They kept the laughter but forgot the jokes. So it sort of feels like a club I’m just not part of, and don’t really have an interest in joining.

This is almost fully off topic now but I know Vt is an on label great place to race a family, but I’m starting to question that. There’s a narrow band of acceptable behavior and acceptable mindsets, and yeah, a lot of it is of the detached, hippie, holier than thou ilk.

 

[Telenator]

I’m in somewhat the same situation as caregiver for my wife, who has Alzheimers. We are both 70. She’s still a good companion in many ways, but our dreams of retirement that included lots of activities with our grandchildren, traveling, and playing music with our friends, have substantially gone out the window.

I’m in a band that does a dozen gigs a year, and can still do that for now. I’m still working, 75% from home at a desk, and can continue that, slowly tapering down. Because I spend so much time at a desk, working on recording projects is the last thing I want to do, though I would like to record my wife singing (while she can) and music that I have composed.

I think about that John Milton sonnet, When I Consider How My Light is Spent, which laments giving up a passion, “that one Talent, which is death to hide,” and concludes, “They also serve who only stand and wait.” This poem brings me no comfort, but tells me that my plight is far from unique.

I think the key factor here, as stated by others, is to realize that we have this life to enjoy. Many of us have made that choice and look at this journey as a gift. To view it any other way only brings sorrow and disappointment.
Make no mistake though. Accepting this life and all that it is requires a daily effort and perspective, or down the slope we go.
I remind myself daily of this and sometimes I'm even successful at it!

 

[bowman]

As a 70-year-old guitarist/singer I can certainly relate to the OP in some ways. My band of 35+ years is calling it quits in a couple of weeks. I will miss so much about it, and those guys. But I’m not unhappy. I’m not done with music. It’s been my joy and has sustained me all these years no matter what else has happened in life. It will sustain me now. An appreciative audience and simpatico band mates are both beautiful things, but I didn’t have those things when I fell in love with making music - it was the music I loved, and I still have that any time I want it. When we’re young we take big bites out of life, trying to get all we can as fast as we can. I’m finding that smaller bites taste just as good - even better at times because we know what we don’t like.

 

[P Thought]

expanding limitations

(old people's) band name alert

 

[Happy Enchilada]

Welcome to the club, OP.
Life gets in the way.
One day you're single and fancy free and playing music you love that means something to you.
Then you have a family or a demanding job or both and you don't play for years.
By the time your kids are grown and time is more your own ...
Skills slip away. Hands aren't as quick. Vocals are more of a challenge.
Some of us don't stand up much when we perform any more.
It's the way it works.
Unless you've made a career of it, and then you can do yet another "Farewell Tour" or
record another "Greatest Hits" album.
Time to sell off the gear you don't use/need any more.
Maybe become more of an acoustic player.
Or just go to jams now and then, nothing serious.

But for God's sake, DON'T QUIT PLAYING.

 

[Happy Enchilada]

Moving to Vermont pretty much ended my playing career. I was suddenly faced with having to become an acoustic player, and not enjoy the energy of an electric rock/blues band. Not to mention that the talent pool anywhere south of Burlington and the Northeast Kingdom is truly dismal.
I have only two requirements when I play with people.
1) You have play in time.
2) You have to play in tune.
You cannot imagine how difficult it is to find that in Vermont. Very discouraging.
I feel extremely fortunate to have had the years of playing that I've enjoyed, and I also wish it had ended by my choice. Not some unseen fate.

Telenator: Too bad Vermont is such a long drive from Idaho ...

 

[naveed211]

My best friend died this year of cancer at 47. Another good friend just got cancer at 43. My girlfriend’s brother died in a car crash at 38. Both my remaining grandparents died months apart. It’s been a year.

I’m just thankful at this point for every day, just happy to be able to do what I can for as long as I’m allotted.

 

[telemnemonics]

Well, my pet cemetery just got one more grave and as the markers are mostly wood, I cannot remember exactly how many but over a dozen now. Running out of room to bury the bodies, time to move on to some other town?
Attachment to places and things is certainly dwindling...