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stupid / funny things you friends said.

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by johnny k, Apr 20, 2020.

  1. johnny k

    johnny k Poster Extraordinaire

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    I have said my share, but none of those following ones.

    I will have the vegetarian sandwhich, with extra bacon. When i asked why, the drummer told me i like bacon with guacamole. What can you answer to that.

    Speaking of a bit overweight dude, this guy's gym must be the mc donald.

    More as we go along, but those 2 are gems. You should have seen the look of bewilderment on my face.
     
  2. Fiesta Red

    Fiesta Red Poster Extraordinaire

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    After complaining about the noise from a gasoline powered generator, a drummer friend of ours said (in all seriousness), “You know, these things would be a lot quieter if they put an electric motor on them.”
     
  3. nojazzhere

    nojazzhere Doctor of Teleocity

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    Well....they would be quieter, right? ;)
     
  4. dougstrum

    dougstrum Friend of Leo's

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    I have played with vegans who love pizza!?!
     
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  5. Lonn

    Lonn Friend of Leo's

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    Vegan pizza exists. This thread is going nowhere fast lol.
     
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  6. Bluego1

    Bluego1 Tele-Afflicted

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    My little sister married into Alabama and later made a career change from ballerina to CPA. On the CPA exam she got the highest score in the state. When I told my business partner (also a CPA) that my sis scored highest in Alabama, he looked at me and, without hesitation and completely deadpan, asked “Did she pass?”. It’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard.
     
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  7. telleutelleme

    telleutelleme Telefied Silver Supporter

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    After the big earthquake in the SF bay area, I called my mother to see if she was okay. Her response was. Well we're a bit shaken up. She got a bit mad when I started laughing.
     
  8. Big_Bend

    Big_Bend Poster Extraordinaire

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    "I don't have a drinking problem"

    said my ex-friend who is now homeless and expected to die from alcohol poisoning any day now.

    Pretty stupid
     
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  9. studio1087

    studio1087 Telefied Silver Supporter

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    I was talking to my wife about a large RFID smart-cart installation that we were doing at a large paper mill in Appleton WI. Carts move pallets automatically (no human intervention) between various conveyors. My wife asked me if we used wheels on the carts or if we did it with anti-gravity. I told her that we didn't have anti-gravity technology and she argued with me telling me that such a thing existed.

    She's a talented graphic artist. When I realized that she was serious I almost sh*t myself.
     
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  10. DrPepper

    DrPepper Friend of Leo's

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    Two dimes and a nickel make a quarter, this was from a teacher. :rolleyes::lol:
     
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  11. ReverendRevolver

    ReverendRevolver Tele-Afflicted

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    I was "managing" a metal band I was friends with. I was at a practice with 2 friends. One friend had a pack of bubble gum. She laughed at the package that said "made with real bubbles ".

    The guitar player, with a straight face, looking confused, asked "what are the fake ones made out of?"

    We laughed. He asked again. We realized he was serious......
     
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  12. Stubee

    Stubee Doctor of Teleocity Gold Supporter

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    My friend Tom was the source of countless funny stories and I miss him dearly. Here’s one:

    Tom finally managed to buy a block house and was very slowly renovating it. He got to where they’d stripped drywall off and somebody told him he should seal those blocks off before starting new drywall. He’d heard my company was making a new concrete coating and asked me about it so I told him how to use it, then got him a 5 gallon cubetainer of the stuff. I couldn’t leave it outside because it was a latex & it was very cold, so set up a time slot when somebody would be home for him to pick it up.

    I got home that night to find Tom hadn’t come by, which knowing the man was no great shakes. A couple hours later the phone rang and it was Tom. He said “remember that coating you got for me?” and I said “Yeah?” as I eyed the cubetainer sitting by the back door...

    Tom: “Well I was late & nobody was home so I just looked in your garage and found a 5 gallon can and took that”.

    Me: “Well, all I had in the garage was a nearly full can of used motor oil from oil changes, you can have it if you want it!”

    Tom: “Oh. That must have been it”.

    Me: If you stirred it like I said you woulda found a couple plastic grocery bags I dumped in there.”

    Tom: “Oh. Well, we pulled out some big things but Midge (another friend) said they must be paint skins.”

    Me: “If you stirred it hard enough you woulda felt the old rusted bolts on the bottom, too.”

    Tom: “Oh. That’s what those were? Midge thought they were gels.”

    He’d actually called to find out what they were doing wrong since the “coating” wasn’t “curing” on the blocks, just running down on the floor. I told him how to clean all that mess and set up a new time for him to get the real stuff. I did tell him when he asked that no, I didn’t want the used motor oil back.

    Being with Tom was like opening a party in a can. F177C3F2-D259-4792-BC4A-B7657F3FE4E7.jpeg
     
  13. OttoCorrect

    OttoCorrect Tele-Holic

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    I used to do maintenance for a company that serviced group homes for people with disabilities. One day at one of the houses I was fixing the office fan when a mentally disabled resident named Tony came in and demanded that I fix his towel bar. The office manager stopped him and asked what happened to the towel bar. Tony says that he lost his balance and now I have to fix it.

    Knowing Tony has a history of making up stories, the house manager says, “Well before I send him up to your bathroom I gotta check it out first and see what kind of shape it’s in.”

    Tony immediately replies, in all seriousness, “It’s a square.”

    The house manager started to correct him for about half a second before realizing what Tony said, then we both just started cracking up.

    That was a fun job, Tony in particular gave me lots of stories.
     
  14. telemaster03

    telemaster03 Tele-Meister

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    Some years ago our neighborhood had a block party. In addition to face painting, food and dunk tank activities the local police department provided a demonstration of their K9 unit. All of the commands the officers gave the dogs were in German...we were told that the dogs would not respond to commands given in English. One of my best friends had recently taken up with a much younger blonde gal who, shall we say, was a bit naïve in the ways of the world. She missed the initial explanation of the command language, and asked "why are they talking to the dogs in German?"


    I said "because they're 'German' Shepherds".


    She lit up like a light bulb, said "Oh!" and happily went on her way.
     
  15. Deeve

    Deeve Poster Extraordinaire Silver Supporter

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  16. telemnemonics

    telemnemonics Telefied Ad Free Member

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    My buddy Nico said: "I'm trying to figure out how to stop procrastinating".
     
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  17. Peegoo

    Peegoo Poster Extraordinaire

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    Many years ago I attended a conference in Orlando, Florida. There was a shuttle launch scheduled one morning and I told my compadres that we should be able to see it go, even though we were 60 miles inland, west of Cape Kennedy. Being all my pals were from the DC area, they were very excited about this. I had grown up in Cocoa Beach so I knew what was visible and where to look.

    At the appointed time we all gathered outside in the parking lot with coffees in hand and I directed everyone's attention toward the east, across the hotel's property. Just as we saw the orange flames from the SRBs as the craft ascended through the clouds, the hotel groundskeepers fired up their equipment on the other side of a low building east of where we were.

    My buddy Max, who is one of the funniest people I know, took a sip from his coffee, turned to me and said, "Damn thing sounds like a lawnmower."
     
  18. ReverendRevolver

    ReverendRevolver Tele-Afflicted

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    I used to frequent the local comic shop. By frequent, I mean I was there at least 12 hours a week, and the owner would call me to give a hand with setting up for black Friday, or needed help sorting through a collection of magic cards he'd bought, etc. I was a teenager or early 20 something, whatever.

    The shop had dice on the counter, to the right of the register.

    On more than one occasion, people would walk in, look around, look at the shelves, all the stuff on and behind the counter, look the person at the counter dead in the eyes and ask "do you guys sell dice here?"

    If you didn't witness it, youd assume these nerd employees were trying to make thier jobs seem like the movie Clerks. But it happened. alot. I've fallen Into a stack of FedEx boxes, shot mt dew from my nose, and almost tripped into a spinning rack of books because of this phenomenon. Occurring in front of me.


    A longtime co worker of mine is from Nepal. His sense of humor tends to be dry and sarcastic, like mine. Unfortunately for our employees, coworkers, and even bosses and visiting managers, people seem to take him seriously without stopping to think. We have had to stop people from actually checking to see if we locked someone in an unloaded trailer. People have believed him when he said an empty bag of chips was simply diet and not stolen. It makes it all that much more funny. It happened when hes speaking English and Nepali. Nobody seems to learn.......
     
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  19. brookdalebill

    brookdalebill Tele Axpert Ad Free Member

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    Once, about 25 years ago, I tried discussing my now ex-wife’s alcoholism with her.
    Her angry reaction was “I’ll show you an alcoholic!”
    She actually already had, and did, and rarely, still does.
    Not a well considered, and perhaps perversely funny response.
    Blessedly ancient history..
     
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  20. Anita Bonghit

    Anita Bonghit Tele-Meister

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    My buddy told me I could find what I was looking for over at the Dollar Tree for like 99 cents or something.
     
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