some will remember my posts from 3-4 months ago about my mom and dementia, and that i was able to get her into a very good memory care center, a clean and healthy place with good staff. she is being very well taken care of. (and let me inject a sincere thanks to all of you for your kind and thoughtful words. fine bunch of people here.) what brought things to the crisis point with mom is that my father went into the hospital with an infection in his spine. dad went into the hospital on march 15th and was in the hospital or rehab until about the middle of june. during most of the time he was there, he was pretty much out of his head, delirious. my sisters and i tried to take care of mom, but things just kept going from worse to more worse. in those earlier posts, i wrote a bit about my mom's rages. tell her "no" on anything and you are just asking for trouble. it was a very serious concern that she would hurt herself in one of her angry fits. the other day i was at my dad's house, waiting to take him to an appointment and one of the men from dad's church had come over to visit. this is a well-meaning, good man. he started asking dad about my mom and seemed to be of the opinion that dad should bring my mother home now. he made a comment something along the lines of "i've heard that people really go downhill in those places." that bothered my dad and dad didn't really know what to say to him. I, never ever at a loss for words, gently and kindly told him that there was more to the situation than people know about and that we had put off "putting her away" as long as we could. i don't know if the man paid any attention to what i was saying to him at all, but later my dad praised my even-handed handling of it. but i want to explain about this "going downhill" business. first, dementia only goes in one direction, downhill. make your loved one as happy as possible, help them as much as you can, but they do not get better. the other fact about this matter is that once the family actually puts their loved one into a memory care place, that loved one has already progressed pretty far "down the hill'. we did not "put mom away" as soon as she started showing symptoms. she has been in this for about 4 years. it became a problem when she refused to go and get diagnosed, (rage), was not to drive anymore(driver license expired, rage) and when my father became so sick he could not go up the steps to go to bed and get to his business papers (rage). (i also found out from my dad that mom would get up in the middle of the night and scream and try to tear the bedroom door down) i am very sure that most families do not put their people into memory care until they pretty much have no other choice. the money alone will prevent it. the fine, good people at my dad's church have just seen a certain side of mom over these past few years. she is perfectly capable of putting on a good, pleasing front in public, for the most part. but we know a different side. if any of those folks had been around when one of those rages was in progress, they would understand. but one big fat fact i have learned in all this: until you've spent some serious time with a dementia victim, you just don't know.