So here's my dilemma...

[Wheelhouse]

It sounds to me like those kids are very fortunate to have caring people like you in their lives who are NOT messed up, and modeling healthy behavior for them. If that's the value you bring to the family and situation, continue doing that.

 

[loco gringo]

Not being able to keep it in your pants isn't technically a crime.

That's not what they said at Kroger's.

 

[Vibroluxer]

That's not what they said at Kroger's.

Actually I think it might be in some states. It's called alienation of affection and it isn't the husband that might be guilty, it's his girlfriend.

When we lived in Raleigh, our neighbor had an affair with a married man which caused a divorce. The wife sued the neighbor and won close to $50K.

 

[rcole_sooner]

Was this posted already?

 

[Dostradamas]

If they are 18 and have not figured it out yet, telling them wont help.

I doubt they are unaware.
They may appear to you to be unaware but children are just as smart as adults and often a lot more observant.

 

[swervinbob]

I'd go get the kids, then "come down" with something that can't be mentioned here. The older I get the more I hide from drama.

 

[RCinMempho]

Too late now. Let it go. A good ass whipping a few years ago might have helped.

Those kids are adults. He can walk away from their needs at any time. That will not help them.

If he is still financially helping those kids, keep your mouth shut. If this blows up to the point he has to choose, he will take care of the younger ones. You owe it to those kids not to cut off the financial help of their dad to get an education. This can wait until they are adults and earning their own way.

 

[MickM]

During the ride from the airport I'd let the "father" know what a self centered (add appropriate nouns etc) he is and tell him that if he doesn't come clean, somebody will. Let him simmer and think about it but I wouldn't tell the kids unless the Wife okays it even though they might hold it against you for keeping quiet.
Tough one.

 

[kuch]

.

 

[kuch]

Lots of really useful responses here - some good advice, some good challenge of my assumptions and preconceptions. All really appreciated - thanks very much.

Clarifications of a couple of points in case people are curious (rather than by way of "I disagree because..." if that makes sense):

I'm fairly sure the kids don't yet know, though I could be wrong. And it may be that when they do find out they may not be that surprised!

We didn't find out through social media - the mother has an understandable need to vent about the latest development, and that's been the case throughout the time I've known them.

Lots to think about and reflect upon, which is always really useful.

Thanks everyone. As I said above - thanks for the challenges as much as everything else. I think that's always useful.

I didn't read all of the posts so sorry if I missed something.

It appears to me that the mother and father of the twins have crossed the proverbial "line" in the sand and you don't feel right in prolonging the lie. That's very respectable.

My suggestion would be for you to relay your thoughts and feelings to the mother, and let her know that you're not comfortable to be in a social setting with her "husband". then, let the chips fall where they may.....

Sorry you have to deal with this.

Have a Happy Holidays!!

 

[gimmeatele]

When it come to other people unless they are laying in bed with me trying to decide whether or not to drive to the mountains and ski or drive to the ocean and surf, I mind my own business and keep my mouth shut.

I am with you on this as it's probably the best advice, it could all turn into a whole world of acrimonious hurt.

 

[omahaaudio]

Not being able to keep it in your pants isn't technically a crime.

True in some places.

 

[Lucius Paisley]

Go. Get drunk as hell and "blurt" it out. They'll hate him (if they end up hating anybody) more than you. Apologise. See what happens.

 

[stormsedge]

Being something of a blunt instrument, I have told some among ex-friends/peers/associates and estranged family what I really thought about this or that. YMMV.

 

[kbold]

I’m going round and round on this one

Your own uncertainty about this makes me think keeping bottom lip connected to top lip a wise choice: until you are more certain.
It's certainly a sticky sort of mess.
If it's grinding you up, perhaps get professional advice.
Sometimes advice I give (in hindsite) is not the best. Waving a flag may cause you to become the target: careful now.

 

[dougbgt6]

The big issue is, do the twins know? If they do, it's not your problem, it's between the mother, father and kids. If they don't know, then you are being blackmailed into keeping a secret you don't want any part off. You may not want to, but this has to be pointed out to the father and mother. Think of yourselves, you are entitled to know the truth having been put in a difficult position, a discussion with the father and mother separately or together has to be had.

Doug

 

[Red Ryder]

Boy, everyone is so concerned about the dad's behavior while he's away. What's mom been doing. Maybe she has two secret children from Guntar the Japanese gardener.

 

[Papanate]

During the ride from the airport I'd let the "father" know what a self centered (add appropriate nouns etc) he is and tell him that if he doesn't come clean, somebody will. Let him simmer and think about it but I wouldn't tell the kids unless the Wife okays it even though they might hold it against you for keeping quiet.
Tough one.

That's right - resort to threats - that'll make him come around.

 

[Red Ryder]

Got the feeling someone's going to end up with a black eye on that ride.

 

[MickM]

That's right - resort to threats - that'll make him come around.

Perhaps a big huggy and a bedtime story then.