This is way too complex for me to presume to give advice.
So here's my dilemma...
- Thread starter KeithDavies 100
- Start date
Intubator
Tele-Afflicted
I think one of the two parents should tell them. You are justified though imo to not want to be around to witness more of the facade. In fact maybe your absence when he arrives will bring on the long awaited family discussion about it...
Also, sounds like the mother should be filing for divorce based on the grounds of "adultery and polygamy"...
Also, sounds like the mother should be filing for divorce based on the grounds of "adultery and polygamy"...
Bob Womack
Friend of Leo's
This is not about you. Keeping your mouth shut isn't that hard. It doesn't have to continually make you mad.
The wife is one injured party in this. She was abandoned and betrayed. Don't dump further conflict and guilt on her. Don't denegrate her if she feels like she doesn't have a right to divorce him.
The kids are two more injured parties here. They were also abandoned. It is not a well-discussed fact that a spouse who abandons the other spouse also abandons the kids. If the mother and father aren't admitting it, it is their prerogative.
It is possible to visit to support the wife and kids and to just be neutral towards the husband. I've been through this sort of thing before. You can participate for the sake of the injured parties and not add to their burden. It isn't necessarily all fun, but someone in the crowd needs to be the grownup.
Bob
The wife is one injured party in this. She was abandoned and betrayed. Don't dump further conflict and guilt on her. Don't denegrate her if she feels like she doesn't have a right to divorce him.
The kids are two more injured parties here. They were also abandoned. It is not a well-discussed fact that a spouse who abandons the other spouse also abandons the kids. If the mother and father aren't admitting it, it is their prerogative.
It is possible to visit to support the wife and kids and to just be neutral towards the husband. I've been through this sort of thing before. You can participate for the sake of the injured parties and not add to their burden. It isn't necessarily all fun, but someone in the crowd needs to be the grownup.
Bob
wrathfuldeity
Friend of Leo's
I'll just say that disclosure however it happens and by whom is just the middle of the story. You and yours are the godparents and thus just let the twins know that you will be there for them, regardless of what their parents do or don't do.
Thus, perhaps on the drive with each twin. Just merely note that you love them and will always be there for them for whatever support. And that you are excited to see them getting on with their lives and are proud of them. And that it has always been and continues to be a privilege to be part of their lives.
Edit: And if **** hits the fan, let them know stuff in family's happens, but you are on their side and if they ever just want to talk, you are just a phone call or zoom call away.
Edit #2: I'd go to the Christmas dinner to hang with the twins. Their mom and dad have their issues...to which they need to figure it out...and it's not your jurisdiction to be involved. You are the godparents of the twins....not mom and dad. Hopefully setting those types of boundaries gives you some clarification.
Thus, perhaps on the drive with each twin. Just merely note that you love them and will always be there for them for whatever support. And that you are excited to see them getting on with their lives and are proud of them. And that it has always been and continues to be a privilege to be part of their lives.
Edit: And if **** hits the fan, let them know stuff in family's happens, but you are on their side and if they ever just want to talk, you are just a phone call or zoom call away.
Edit #2: I'd go to the Christmas dinner to hang with the twins. Their mom and dad have their issues...to which they need to figure it out...and it's not your jurisdiction to be involved. You are the godparents of the twins....not mom and dad. Hopefully setting those types of boundaries gives you some clarification.
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I would avoid ultimatums, as you have said multiple times "it is not your place".
Sometimes, you just have to hold your tongue, suffer through family gatherings and let them solve things on their own.
The consequences of spilling the beans might be far worse than the discomfort of the "lie".
Just my 2 cents
Sometimes, you just have to hold your tongue, suffer through family gatherings and let them solve things on their own.
The consequences of spilling the beans might be far worse than the discomfort of the "lie".
Just my 2 cents
you love the boys and are fond of their mom. Focus on them and ignore the other part. Give the 'father' a ride and be professional (for the kids)
You are serving the kids and their mom, not this dad. You are doing nice things FOR THEM. don't make it about you.
their mom has asked you not to mention the situation. follow her wishes.
I was in a situation years ago giving a ride to a cousins husband that was openly cheating on his wife who had cancer (and succumbed to it a few months later) in that ride, he confided in me his situation. I was angry, but I put it aside and said, 'ashley's prognosis is very difficult, I think you'd ease everyone if you could focus on her and your kids for the next few months and continue your relationship after she passes. and i added that it would probably make his gf see him as 'a good guy'.
He 'kind of' followed that. Her parents hated him until their death. Ashley passed feeling like he'd come back. He did marry the woman he'd had the affair with. they raised his kids and they liked the step mom, they had 2 additional kids and have had what seems like a quiet life since.
it is hard enough to understand our own lives much less other people's. Serve those boys and their mom... it will pay off.
You are serving the kids and their mom, not this dad. You are doing nice things FOR THEM. don't make it about you.
their mom has asked you not to mention the situation. follow her wishes.
I was in a situation years ago giving a ride to a cousins husband that was openly cheating on his wife who had cancer (and succumbed to it a few months later) in that ride, he confided in me his situation. I was angry, but I put it aside and said, 'ashley's prognosis is very difficult, I think you'd ease everyone if you could focus on her and your kids for the next few months and continue your relationship after she passes. and i added that it would probably make his gf see him as 'a good guy'.
He 'kind of' followed that. Her parents hated him until their death. Ashley passed feeling like he'd come back. He did marry the woman he'd had the affair with. they raised his kids and they liked the step mom, they had 2 additional kids and have had what seems like a quiet life since.
it is hard enough to understand our own lives much less other people's. Serve those boys and their mom... it will pay off.
Vibroluxer
Friend of Leo's
I think the mom needs to tell them, it's her story. And her husband's. Didn't you say that you were going to be picking him up at the airport? Why not bring it up to him and see what he has to say. Maybe he will tell the twins. You are are well spoken and I'm sure you'll find the right words.
gitlvr
Friend of Leo's
I debated even responding to this thread.
Most families have secrets; it's the way of things, i think.
This is a big one, but it's theirs, not yours.
The advice to just let sleeping dogs lie is the one I'd give.
If, as you say, these kids are basically like surrogate children to you and your wife, you want them to continue in your life.
When this all finally comes to a head, they will need someone outside of it.
The only real risk I think you might run is if one of them asks you if you knew about this and why did you not tell them.
IMO telling them or not telling them runs pretty much a tie as far as risk to your relationship goes.
I have known of women who knew their spouse was cheating, for example, but ignored it. When a friend or family member caught the guy and told the wife, the wife blamed them instead of him. When you are dealing with such deep rooted emotions as family things can be really difficult to navigate. If you tell them, you might find that you actually made everything worse.
There comes a time when most of us mature enough to realize our parents are just regular old human beings, just like the rest of us. Give the kids all the time you can for them to come to this understanding.
MHO.
Most families have secrets; it's the way of things, i think.
This is a big one, but it's theirs, not yours.
The advice to just let sleeping dogs lie is the one I'd give.
If, as you say, these kids are basically like surrogate children to you and your wife, you want them to continue in your life.
When this all finally comes to a head, they will need someone outside of it.
The only real risk I think you might run is if one of them asks you if you knew about this and why did you not tell them.
IMO telling them or not telling them runs pretty much a tie as far as risk to your relationship goes.
I have known of women who knew their spouse was cheating, for example, but ignored it. When a friend or family member caught the guy and told the wife, the wife blamed them instead of him. When you are dealing with such deep rooted emotions as family things can be really difficult to navigate. If you tell them, you might find that you actually made everything worse.
There comes a time when most of us mature enough to realize our parents are just regular old human beings, just like the rest of us. Give the kids all the time you can for them to come to this understanding.
MHO.
omahaaudio
Friend of Leo's
Report him for bigamy as soon as he's touches down in the US.
He'll spend the Christmas holidays in lock-up and you won't have to see him.
Kandinskyesque
Friend of Leo's
It sounds like an awful situation for everyone, albeit my sympathies are minimal with their father, I wouldn't like to be living with his conscience.
However, family conspiracies of silence are part of the reason why I'm so screwed up, so I understand the triggering aspect.
The situation calls to mind an Alanon print somebody has on the wall of her lady cave. It says...
1.Does it have to be said?
2.Does it have to be said now?
3.Does it have to be said by me?
IMHO 1. is definitely a yes, but 2. and 3. I'm not so sure.
The kids have just finished their first term of their first year at university; a major feat in getting there in the first place and an unmatched period of maximum adjustment from childhood to adulthood.
Dropping this on them at this time, if they know nothing previously would be, at best, very unhelpful to their education.
I don't think the burden of the emotional fallout from this at a key turning point in their lives in such a short space of time would be fair.
It probably requires a full summer recess to begin to get over.
I understand your discomfort at being part of this conspiracy of silence, given your role in the twin's life.
However, I think a longer term approach over an expedient one would be better.
I'd let their parents know that there is a time limit on how much longer you are willing to participate in their delusion.
I'd also encourage their mother to seek some counselling in the interim because it can't be easy on her own psyche burying her head in the sand over such a long time.
However, family conspiracies of silence are part of the reason why I'm so screwed up, so I understand the triggering aspect.
The situation calls to mind an Alanon print somebody has on the wall of her lady cave. It says...
1.Does it have to be said?
2.Does it have to be said now?
3.Does it have to be said by me?
IMHO 1. is definitely a yes, but 2. and 3. I'm not so sure.
The kids have just finished their first term of their first year at university; a major feat in getting there in the first place and an unmatched period of maximum adjustment from childhood to adulthood.
Dropping this on them at this time, if they know nothing previously would be, at best, very unhelpful to their education.
I don't think the burden of the emotional fallout from this at a key turning point in their lives in such a short space of time would be fair.
It probably requires a full summer recess to begin to get over.
I understand your discomfort at being part of this conspiracy of silence, given your role in the twin's life.
However, I think a longer term approach over an expedient one would be better.
I'd let their parents know that there is a time limit on how much longer you are willing to participate in their delusion.
I'd also encourage their mother to seek some counselling in the interim because it can't be easy on her own psyche burying her head in the sand over such a long time.
I found him by the railroad tracks morning
I could see that he was nearly dead
He was staring at an empty Duncan Donut box with yearning
I leaned down and listened for the words the dying fella said
He said, if I'd known they were gonna kill me
I have gotten the apple strudel special instead.
I could see that he was nearly dead
He was staring at an empty Duncan Donut box with yearning
I leaned down and listened for the words the dying fella said
He said, if I'd known they were gonna kill me
I have gotten the apple strudel special instead.
KeithDavies 100
Tele-Holic
Gotta say, as a collective, you are an incredibly kind, insightful, considerate, thoughtful bunch of people.
I kind of knew you were, which is why I decided to ask here, but still. Different opinions are to be expected, but the thoughtfulness that has gone into responding - just great. Really, really appreciate it. Quite moving.
Where I'm at, in case anyone's curious...
Attend at Christmas, man up and be nice. Don't stay too long, if it really feels unbearable, perhaps!
As for the kids, reiterate my affection for them, and that I'm here for anything they want to discuss that they encounter as they're moving into adulthood.
Thanks, everybody.
I kind of knew you were, which is why I decided to ask here, but still. Different opinions are to be expected, but the thoughtfulness that has gone into responding - just great. Really, really appreciate it. Quite moving.
Where I'm at, in case anyone's curious...
Attend at Christmas, man up and be nice. Don't stay too long, if it really feels unbearable, perhaps!
As for the kids, reiterate my affection for them, and that I'm here for anything they want to discuss that they encounter as they're moving into adulthood.
Thanks, everybody.
Sometimes your just being there can mean a lot to the ones you are there for. My grandson called me to thank me for my gift to him as a graduation present yesterday. I had given him a couple of hundred bucks, I told him that I realized that the amount was inadequate to the occasion. He replied that he could always use the money, but the real reason he called was just to let me know how much it meant to him for me to be there when he graduated.
Intubator
Tele-Afflicted
I suspect the kids at their age will have a suspicion of whats up. I agree that you being there for them at Christmas could be very important for them to feel supported by THE important male figure in their life. That's likely you not the biological father.
Want to suffer? Do what your Wife doesn't want you to do.
String Tree
Doctor of Teleocity
You need some Family Counseling.
Talk to someone who knows better than us.
I haven't been through what you are going through.
There are more than a few here that have.
Find someoone that can help you achieve Balance.
It will be good for You and, Your Family.
~ST
Go to the dinner. Get drunk. Blurt out, "So, how are those new babies of yours?" Get drunker. Pass out.
P.S. It's too bad we can't file divorce suits for other people.
P.S. It's too bad we can't file divorce suits for other people.
If you met me and got to know me, there probably isn’t a person on this form that would ever pick me as a Godfather to any of their children.
There’s a reason for that.
And this thread is one of them !
I say you do the hardest thing and go to Christmas and if there’s even a slight opportunity to get the father alone, grab him by the shirt and throw him up against a wall without anybody knowing - then do that.
Otherwise, just do like we all do at any Christmas gathering : drink a little, eat a lot, a whole bunch of fake smiles, and leave early!
There’s a reason for that.
And this thread is one of them !
I say you do the hardest thing and go to Christmas and if there’s even a slight opportunity to get the father alone, grab him by the shirt and throw him up against a wall without anybody knowing - then do that.
Otherwise, just do like we all do at any Christmas gathering : drink a little, eat a lot, a whole bunch of fake smiles, and leave early!
wrathfuldeity
Friend of Leo's
OP you are a graceful gentleman. As/if when the time comes that the twins ask or say, Why didn't you tell us what was happening?
Just reply that you wanted to... but it was your/their parent's responsibility. And that you felt as their godparents, your responsibility was to you/them (the twins) and always will be. And note: You were not in favor of how they (the parents) handled their personal/relationship and how that affected them. However, sometimes in life, it's a blessing to have someone or support outside of the mess. And that it is your hope that we as your godparents can continue to be there for you.
Just reply that you wanted to... but it was your/their parent's responsibility. And that you felt as their godparents, your responsibility was to you/them (the twins) and always will be. And note: You were not in favor of how they (the parents) handled their personal/relationship and how that affected them. However, sometimes in life, it's a blessing to have someone or support outside of the mess. And that it is your hope that we as your godparents can continue to be there for you.
Is the dad married to the other women? Not being able to keep it in your pants isn't technically a crime.
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