So here's my dilemma...

[KeithDavies 100]

There’s a fair bit of life experience on here. I don’t normally seek advice, and make my own decisions, but I’m going round and round on this one so I thought I’d chuck it out there and see what comes back.

My wife and I don’t have children of our own. My wife has two Godchildren – twins, a brother and sister. We’ve been together for 12 years now, and I’ve grown really fond of them over the years.

They turned 18 this year, and I drove them to their respective universities in October, for their first years away from home. I’m heading off this evening to get the brother, and tomorrow morning for the sister. 4-5 hour round trips each. No problem with that – really looking forward to seeing them, looking forward to the long chats that the drives will allow, can’t wait to hear how they’re doing.

In all the time I’ve known them, their father has lived and worked abroad. He and the mother remain married.

The children are not aware, but my wife and I are, that he has another family in the other country. I had long suspected there was another relationship over there, but a 3-4 years ago a baby was announced, and a year or so ago a second.

The mother of the twins seems to continue to believe she can somehow win him back, and is opposed to divorce, I think, on religious grounds. Each to their won.

As the twins have reached adulthood, though, I am increasingly unhappy being party to this secret, and to this secret being kept from them. My own family was dysfunctional when I was young, and I guess, to use the modern parlance, this “triggers” stuff for me.

It’s not my place to tell them, and I fully understand that, and am not about to go blurting this stuff out this evening or tomorrow morning.

However, the father is coming for Christmas. He has visited previously, since the other children were born. The twins are pleased to see him – though such long-term absence has an inevitable effect – and the visits present as a “reunion” of the family.

On a recent visit, the twins’ mum was unable to pick him up from the airport so I went, though I really don’t want to have anything to do with him and find his behaviour unacceptable.

Last Christmas, he wasn’t here, and my wife and I spent Christmas with the twins and their mother. This year, we’ve been invited again, but he’ll be there.

I really don’t want to go. I know I’ll be angry, but I obviously wouldn’t want to be rude in someone else’s house, and especially at Christmas. It’s not my place to tell the twins, and I won’t, but I really strongly believe they should be told and I don’t want to continue as part of this conspiracy of silence.

Thoughts?!

 

[skantzos]

Tell the mother that you will turn the invitation down unless she tells the children the truth. It is an unfair burden on you that you would have to keep this secret and pretend nothing is the matter. If she does and everybody agrees to have the dinner as planned, then you may join as well. Otherwise it sound like a total masquerade.

 

[Peegoo]

@KeithDavies 100

Hmmmm That is a tough situation.

If it were me in your shoes, I'd try to convince my wife (as their godmother) to let the kids know, now that they are adults. Do the kids' parents expect the godmother to continue to be a conspirator in their secret? That's goofy, but that's just me.

If you wife does not want to be a party to spilling the beans, get some time aside with the kids' father and broach the subject. Let him know this is eating you up inside because it is really a lie, and you feel compelled to tell the kids about it. If the father is any kind of a man, he will be the one to tell the kids. It's time for him to do so.

Edited: BELAY THAT ORDER! I like @skantzos' suggestion way better!

 

[ping-ping-clicka]

When it come to other people unless they are laying in bed with me trying to decide whether or not to drive to the mountains and ski or drive to the ocean and surf, I mind my own business and keep my mouth shut.

 

[Tricone]

.

 

[stxrus]

Tell the mother that you will turn the invitation down unless she tells the children the truth. It is an unfair burden on you that you would have to keep this secret and pretend nothing is the matter. If she does and everybody agrees to have the dinner as planned, then you may join as well. Otherwise it sound like a total masquerade.

This

 

[ahiddentableau]

Wow, this is tough one. Tough enough that I think you could take a number of different paths and I'd be OK with it.

FWIW, it sounds like you've already made your decision. You can't be party to the lie anymore. You are perfectly justified in thinking this. So I agree with the others, you should tell the mother that you can't go along anymore and that if he's there you can't be. I'd try to be nice about it. She no doubt has her reasons for wanting things this way. But that doesn't mean you have to go along with them.

I feel for you. But mostly I feel for the kids. That lie is going to cause them so much pain when they learn the truth, as they inevitably will. It never ceases to amaze me how so many good people hurt their kids so badly because of interia and the difficulty of telling the truth. Life is hard. I wish you all the best in navigating these very stormy waters.

 

[dougstrum]

I never cease to be amazed at the way people can screw up their lives and by extension the lives of others.
I hate being caught in the middle of keeping secrets and don't want to hang with folks who would put me in that situation.

Sounds like you are the person who fills the role of a dad in the twins lives, and certainly don't want to jeopardize that good relationship with them.

I would not skip the family dinner, even if it's difficult. I would definitely want to find a time to talk with the mom and dad about how you feel. Perhaps you and your wife could do that together?
The twins are adults and eventually the truth will come out. What a rotten situation.

 

[Shango66]

no blood, no comment. Imo.

 

[drf64]

The twins might already know. They are away from home, digitally savvy themselves and now exposed to plenty of bright young digitally savvy colleagues. If births are being announced it won’t take long for someone to connect the dots for them.

 

[Cyberi4n]

The flip side, and just my two-pence worth. It sounds like the father moved on a long time ago, and started a new life. Presumably he'd be divorced now, were it not for the mother who refuses to divorce him? Sorry to be blunt, but if she's refusing to accept that he now has another life, has moved on, and instead chooses to ignore reality and think she can win him back, well, that's just not going to happen is it. In THAT respect, I find your comment that you find HIS behaviour unacceptable a bit strange. It sounds like, in reality, he's simply moved on from someone he no longer loves, and has started a family with someone he does. Nothing unusual about that, it happens all the time.

Now, if you find his behaviour in keeping another family secret from the twins unacceptable, then fair enough, but the reality in my honest opinion is that it is nothing to do with you. Remember, that the twins mother presumably also knows and is also choosing to keep this a secret from the twins too, do you find HER behaviour unacceptable too?

Do you feel angry because of the situation? OR does the situation stir anger at something in your past that remains unresolved?

My personal opinion, and probably unpopular. Its up to them how they choose to conduct their family affairs, and its nothing to do with you if either of them (or both of them jointly) have decided to keep this news from the twins. If it makes you feel that angry, then stay away by all means, but delivering an ultimatum to either of the parents (tell the twins or I will) will probably end badly. By all means, tell the mother (or the father) that you profoundly disagree with this situation, and as such will stay away. Kudos to you for doing so, but don't be surprised if the reply you get is "fine, stay away then. See ya"

Sorry, appreciate that sounds blunt

 

[Cyberi4n]

The other point I'd like to make, is that to me if you've found out through means such as Social Media or word of mouth, then I don't think you ARE party to a "lie" or a "secret". Had the father told you, confessed to you, then asked you to keep it a secret then fair enough. But as I understand it this hasn't happened, so I think you're being hard on yourself unneccesarily by saying you're party to a "lie". Perhaps you're beating yourself up too much over this?

 

[bender66]

The twins might already know. They are away from home, digitally savvy themselves and now exposed to plenty of bright young digitally savvy colleagues. If births are being announced it won’t take long for someone to connect the dots for them.

Exactly. It's highly likely they already know. I'll chalk up my own experience that they do at 18. Kids feel this stuff.

 

[Red Ryder]

Not your problem

 

[Tommy Biggs]

Try to stay in the moment, focus on the twins, your wife and the things that you can control.
That's easy for me to say, I accept that it's much harder in your situation to actually do.

Take the high road - it's not a good practice to share other's "secrets". The truth will emerge one day, try to keep people calm if things get to fussing and fighting.

 

[teletail]

Somebody isn’t living their life the way YOU want them to and you’re mad about it. Welcome to the real world.

If you don’t want to be part of the conspiracy, then don’t be. See the twins apart from the parents.

 

[KeithDavies 100]

Lots of really useful responses here - some good advice, some good challenge of my assumptions and preconceptions. All really appreciated - thanks very much.

Clarifications of a couple of points in case people are curious (rather than by way of "I disagree because..." if that makes sense):

I'm fairly sure the kids don't yet know, though I could be wrong. And it may be that when they do find out they may not be that surprised!

We didn't find out through social media - the mother has an understandable need to vent about the latest development, and that's been the case throughout the time I've known them.

Lots to think about and reflect upon, which is always really useful.

Thanks everyone. As I said above - thanks for the challenges as much as everything else. I think that's always useful.

 

[ReverendRevolver]

Only you and your wife have a clear picture of how it will impact the twins.
The mother is living in a fantasy world, and the father doesn't care.

Discuss it with either or both parents, the twins are old enough to decide to keep you in thier life even if the mom hates you for wrecking the fantasy in her head. Do whatever is best for the kids, personal feelings aside, and hash it out with the mom. You'll theoretically have the return trip to break the news, if it goes that way. You know the twins better than the TDPRI does, so you're the expert here. We wish you luck.

 

[Red Ryder]

Forget about discussing this and asking for help. If you have problems of your own work on them. If you have no problems don't look for one. Just enjoy your life and let others take care of theirs.

 

[lowatter]

Unless they bring it up I would just chillax about the subject. At 18 years old I bet they already suspect or know. I had a similar situation with a nephew born from a previous relationship. When he was 18 he was told by the mother and though it was uncomfortable information at 1st for him, he took it in stride. He's 22 now and in the Navy. He's a very smart well adjusted young man and trained in/learned North Korean dialect and is a translator. He's so smart in fact that he decided to become a pilot and switch over to the Air Force as they're really hurting for pilots.
My wife and I couldn't have kids of our own as well and it's great to have a niece and 2 nephews to watch grow and encourage.