Share your best "Dad joke"

[HootOwlDude]

I told one today to my buddy who texted to ask what I was doing, around the time I get off work. I texted him a picture of the beer I was drinking and wrote, “Well, you know me: I’d rather have a bottle in fronta me than a frontal labotomy!” I say my score is at least an 8.5 out of ten. That’s timeless, funny wisdom, as well as an efficient answer to a reasonable question.

 

[bullfrogblues]

I've been so horny lately I've been getting up early just to see the crack of dawn!!

 

[Call Me Al]

What’s it called when you stay up all night and eat?

Insom-nom-nom-nia

 

[That Cal Webway]

 

[P-Nutz]

Crotchety old dude hears a knock on his front door, and opens it to find a snail selling magazines.

"Get outta here!" he yells, kicking it off of his porch.

A couple months later, he hears another knock and opens the door.

"WTF did I do?!" the snail asks.

 

[Deeve]

 

[Rusty]

"You know why Helen Keller can't drive?

...

'Cause she's a woman!"

 

[Thebluesman]

girl & Boy aged 5 talking...
Girl; Yesterday I found a condom on the patio
Boy; What's a patio????

 

[THX1123]

Why are Dad Jokes called Dad Jokes?

Because they are M-F-ing funny.

 

[Thebluesman]

Wife & eldest daughter sits by husbands death bed.
Husband asks wife...pointing at his daughter..''Is SHE mine?
Wife answers;YES..she is yours...husband dies & both wife & daughter cry with joy!

Simultaneously...Youngest daughter enters room & sees her dead father & sees both mother & her elder sister laughing.
Younger daughter:Why are you laughing at a time like this?
Mother responds; Youre father asked if your elder sister where his & i told him she was!& then youre father passed.
Youngest daughter: What's so funny???
Mother replies; Good job he didn't ask about YOU first !!!!!

 

[RCinMempho]

Guy 1: I tell Dad Jokes
Guy 2: You don't have any kids.
Guy 1: I'm a faux pa

 

[BigDaddyLH]

Son of dad jokes...

 

[imwjl]

Me?

 

[Knows3Chords]

An old couple is sitting in a doctors office exam room. The doctor says to the old man "I'm going to need a stool and urine sample from you". The old man turns to his wife and says "what did he say?". The old lady looks at the old man and says "ah, he just needs a pair of your underwear!".

 

[Stringbanger]

Too lazy to read through 17 pages, so if this a repost, I’m sorta sorry.

What do you get when you combine an elephant with rhinoceros?

Hellifino!

 

[draggindakota]

Me at a new restaurant: Do you think they have up dog here?

Son: What's up dog?

Me: Not much, bout to eat some dinner


Not a joke per se, but EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. my kids ask me to rub something on them (sun screen, hydrocortisone cream, muscle rub etc.) I just rub the tube on them. My daughter gets so mad it's hilarious.

 

[bullfrogblues]

this might also be a re-do

Nurse: Doctor, the Invisible man is here for his appointment
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now

 

[Greg70]

What do a furniture repairman and a gastroenterologist have in common?

They can both take care of loose stools.

 

[scottser]

What's the best thing to wear during a storm?
Thunderpants

 

[scottser]

What's the most obvious bear?
A pan-duh