Serious Question Re: Divorce

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by OSdave, Apr 29, 2008.

  1. Rufus

    Rufus Tele-Afflicted

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    Speaking from experience (divorced after 18 year marriage), I would highly recommend working on communication.

    My fiance' and I were both previously married. The best thing that we have done is to read some quality books on relationships and communication.

    Not to get all Oprah or Dr Phil on you, BUT...

    I highly recommend the "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" series by Dr John Gray. Its very eye opening on how the sexes see things completely differently and hear two completely different messages from the same sentence!

    Another good book was called "His needs, Her needs" (can't remember the author's name, I think its Harley or something). I think its very good at educating both sexes on what's important to each other. Yes, our priorities are different.

    We both read whatever book we've chosen and then discuss it with each other. I look at it as an investment, so as not to repeat the same mistakes again, as in my first marriage. I hate to admit it, but I really learned alot! Plus, you earn major points in her "love bank" (you see?- this stuff really can sink in) by being willing to spend time improving your relationship, unlike "most" men.

    Most important of all, it makes my life easier by gaining some insight into what women need and how they view the world (and its definitely different from how WE see it!)

    She makes me happy...so if I can do the same for her, its definitely worth a little bit of time away from playing my Telecaster.

    Hopefully you can both give it a try... if a 20 year Marine Corps veteran (me) is willing to do some touchy-feely things, then you can too.
    Good luck.
     
  2. Derwood

    Derwood TDPRI Member

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    It is a fact that what one experiences at a young age has lasting effect on the rest of your life, whether you realize it sooner, or later, or not at all.
    I'm not saying that as justification to continue a troubled marriage, but it is justification to at least give it an honest try.
     
  3. OSdave

    OSdave Tele-Meister

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    Just wanted to drop in and say thanks once again. It's amazing how much good advice and information is in this thread. It has really helped me a lot. As an update, my wife and I are currently talking through some things and, so far, it all looks very promising. We may look into some more counseling if there are things we feel we can't work through on our own. But things are definitely looking a little better.

    Thanks again for all the great posts and advice.
     
  4. garytelecastor

    garytelecastor Poster Extraordinaire

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    OSD-I got this in an email today. It kind of sums the whole thing up.

    DIVORCED BARBIE:
    One day a father gets out of work and on his way home
    he remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He
    pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson,
    "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"

    The salesperson answers, " Which one? We have:
    Work out Barbie for $19.95

    Shopping Barbie for $19.95

    Beach Barbie for $19.95

    Disco Barbie for $19.95


    Divorced Barbie for $265.95

    The amazed father asks: "What? Why is the Divorced
    Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"

    The salesperson annoyingly answers :

    "Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:

    Ken's Car,

    Ken's House,

    Ken's Boat,

    Ken's Furniture,

    Ken's Computer and...

    One of Ken's Friends


    Just thought I might try to inject a little humor in an otherwise very serious issue. :D ;)
     
  5. hamish5178

    hamish5178 Tele-Meister

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    Any update on this?
     
  6. ejb222

    ejb222 Tele-Holic

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    Not being married and all, I can't offer much advice. But I wish you and your wife the best. And I'm sure the 2 of you will persevere.

    Maybe the 2 of you could check out this movie that came out on DVD called "Fireproof". The acting may be little corny but maybe it will hit home for you and your wife.

    Again best wishes
    -EJ
     
  7. Nighthawk

    Nighthawk Friend of Leo's

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    My wife and will have been married 35 years in June. I can offer no advice as we were never able to have children and I'm not going into all of that. But this thread is indicative of why this is great place to come. Lots of beautiful advice here Odsave. Thanks for starting this thread.
     
  8. OSdave

    OSdave Tele-Meister

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    Thanks for the replies - it's weird to see this thread come back almost a year later. :D

    The wife and I have since worked through things and I think our relationship is now actually stronger than it has been in a long time. Things are going really great now.

    Thanks again to all for the advice, both in the past and now...
     
  9. sean79

    sean79 Poster Extraordinaire

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    Very cool. Glad to hear good news.
     
  10. gibsonjunkie

    gibsonjunkie Tele-Afflicted

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    You get one life - like Mary Chapin Carpenter says in one of her songs - You get Fast, Slow and Stall - No reverse. If you or she are miserable, it doesn't pay to stay together. I wouldn't make that decision in a time of stress (like after a child is born), and I'd do counseling first, but if you are miserable in the long run, so will she and the kids will feel it too.

    One thing that hasn't been said - in Connecticut after ten years you have to pay alimony - just remember that!:D
     
  11. Dababy

    Dababy Tele-Meister

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    Dave - I've been married to my high-school sweetheart for 11 years now and we have 4 kids. We went through a tough time for about 6 months where we didn't respect each other enough. Bottom line - (and I'm not slamming divorced people so don't take offense anyone) divorce may seem like the easy way out but from what I've seen and heard it creates so many more problems than it solves. Financial ruin, maybe a step-parent who you don't want "helping" to raise your own kids, not to mention seeing less of them to begin with! My advice to you would be to go back to counciling and work on it - especially since there's still love there!

    P.S. - first hand experience - having babies changes a woman mentally and emotionally and can be a difficult thing to adjust to for a dad - I'll say a prayer for you both and wish you the best!
     
  12. hamish5178

    hamish5178 Tele-Meister

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    Thank you, you did the right thing. I'd like to thank you on behalf of your children.

    -Alex
     
  13. TelecasterBlooz

    TelecasterBlooz Tele-Afflicted

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    Divorce is bad. Don't matter whose right and whose wrong, nobody wins. In my case I divorced my ex over her infatuation with credit cards and my credit rating. She got EVERYTHING, including my state pension. Don't matter what the law says, all that matters is what the judge says. I hadda file for bankruptcy, and to top it off, my ex allowed my daughter to sit in the courtroom while we hashed it out. Result? I have no credit whatsoever (and really don't want any), but my daughter who was 17 at the time (26 now) hates my friggen guts, which kills me to the bone, because my ex forced her to choose sides. Nobody wins, Everybody loses. I miss my baby girl.:rolleyes:
     
  14. JPark

    JPark Tele-Afflicted

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    Now take my advice with a grain of sand, as I'm not married, nor have I had a romantic relationship.

    I saw earlier mentioned sending the kids off to grandparents for a night, or a weekend. My parents did that all the time. It can be cool for the kids, 'cause they get to be with their grandparents for a while, and you and the missus get some alone time. My parents are happily married 25 years next year, and it's probably one of the things that helped them... me and my two brothers can be a real pain in the lower backside.
     
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