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Sad my stepdaughter is distancing herself

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by PhoenixBill, Feb 27, 2021.

  1. PhoenixBill

    PhoenixBill Tele-Meister

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    Just got home from giving my stepdaughter her birthday presents (she’s 46 today). She was practically chilly with her gratitude, half-hearted would be a generous description of her thanks. I had mailed her a card, she didn’t say anything about it so I asked if she had gotten anything in the mail...”oh yeah, I got your card, thanks” was the lukewarm response. This is another example of how cold she has become over the last couple months—she calls me if she needs me and she expects me to come right away, but otherwise...crickets....

    I don’t understand why. We had gotten really really close a year ago when the pandemic started (I don’t mean porno-movie type close lol) as she was going through hard times from a brutal divorce. Now she won’t even look me directly in the eye! She’s never been like that in the 20 years I’ve known her. It breaks my heart because I got so used to seeing her almost every day, her FaceTime calls, etc. We didn’t get into any kind of argument and nothing to cause a “get out of my life” so it’s inexplicable.

    When I was leaving she said something about getting together for lunch more often but it was a token effort IMO. So I left sad.

    I figure I won’t text or call anytime soon, if I don’t hear from her by five or six days then text her asking if she’s ok.

    But it breaks my heart.
     
  2. getbent

    getbent Telefied Silver Supporter

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    sorry to hear that. Those kinds of things are awful especially if you have no idea what changed. Sometimes a little time and space are good. Think good thoughts, she may be troubled over something and not able to express it.
     
  3. E5RSY

    E5RSY Doctor of Teleocity

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    Things unsaid are always the enemy (trust me). You need to, at least, share with her some of the stuff you wrote in your post above. Otherwise, you'll never know. The simple fact that you care to bring it up may be enough to bring her back around. And, if there is some past "wrong" she is holding on to, that can be dealt with. It may not work, but at least you tried to salvage it. Just abandoning it will ultimately be even more painful for you.
     
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  4. PhoenixBill

    PhoenixBill Tele-Meister

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    I have thought there’s too much alcohol and weed in her life but I don’t partake of either so it’s difficult to judge how much she’s become affected. I don’t think it would be helpful to ask her about it, folks who abuse substances tend to get closed-up and hostile if asked about it...speaking from just celebrating 26 years clean myself...
     
  5. kbold

    kbold Friend of Leo's

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    From what you've explained, it sounds like something may have been said that you're not aware of. I may be wrong.

    IMO I think it's best to approach the situation directly. (i.e. ask her if/why the relationship has changed).
    I think the direct approach here is best.
     
  6. PhoenixBill

    PhoenixBill Tele-Meister

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    I’ve tried to bring it up with her but no headway whatsoever.
     
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  7. E5RSY

    E5RSY Doctor of Teleocity

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    Well, that sucks. I am sorry. If she is aware of your position and feelings on the matter, you may just have to mourn the loss and move on, ensuring she knows you'll always be there if she changes her feelings.
     
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  8. PhoenixBill

    PhoenixBill Tele-Meister

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    When I have tried before, she got confrontational. She’s very good at taking an uncomfortable discussion and twisting around until she’s “winning”.
     
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  9. E5RSY

    E5RSY Doctor of Teleocity

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    p.s. My money is on the weed and booze being a significant part of the issue, in this case. Of course, that is a wild hunch on my part. If so, you've largely done what you can.
     
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  10. PhoenixBill

    PhoenixBill Tele-Meister

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    Her mom died 9 years ago from substance abuse. At some point I think I may say something like “I lost your mom, and now I have lost you”
     
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  11. uriah1

    uriah1 Telefied Gold Supporter

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    People hurting , hurt people.
     
    Last edited: Feb 27, 2021
  12. nojazzhere

    nojazzhere Doctor of Teleocity

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    I'm grasping here, but you said she went through a tough divorce.....has she been involved with someone else? (or her ex?) This is almost classic behavior from sexual abuse, although usually by an adolescent. Almost impossible for a 46 year old adult to talk to a step parent about this.
    Hopefully, time will heal and reveal what's wrong. Best wishes.
     
  13. 24 track

    24 track Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

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    Its always been my thing to bring that type of anomaly to the forefront and confront it head on, as soon as it rears its head , I had issues with my young one , and when she came home one day i said to her , Whats going on? and i cited the events that lead up to my concern , and again what is going on? , the truth came out and it was their concern was how i would react to the her issues at hand whether be my aproval or dis aproval , but there is no issue that could not be worked out together .and we did

    I hope you find the root cause of the distancing , and you get an honest answer , then the healing can begin. staying reticent while your daughter going through her termoil can have dangerous consiquences for your relationship

    my best of wishes for you
     
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  14. kbold

    kbold Friend of Leo's

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    A common tactic. Sounds like she's hiding something.
    The grog and smokey certainly convolute things.

    May I suggest taking a week break from contacting her (it seems to have been building for a while now anyway).
    During this week get a copy of "Never Split the Difference" by Chris Voss.
    I'm sure that something in that book will 'gel' with you. You may then be in a better position to resolve the conflict.
     
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  15. kbold

    kbold Friend of Leo's

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    This may be true, but may also inflame the situation.
    Maybe she can say it, but I wouldn't throw fuel on the flame.
     
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  16. PhoenixBill

    PhoenixBill Tele-Meister

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    Her childhood was traumatic, no father around and her mother kept disappearing too, she was largely raised by her mother’s parents. She lived a rough life through her late 20’s but her mom and I fetched her off the streets of a different town and put her in rehab...she cleaned up well, went to college then got her masters degree and was successful.

    Her ex was abusive and I am quite confident she isn’t back with him. She is “friends” with a guy now but she swears he’s not her boyfriend.
     
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  17. Colo Springs E

    Colo Springs E Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

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    Dude she's going through a divorce... Give her a little time.
     
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  18. tery

    tery Doctor of Teleocity

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    Be there for her with a dads kindness and love . Try not to become a burden to her turmoil .
     
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  19. PhoenixBill

    PhoenixBill Tele-Meister

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    Her divorce has been going on for 2 years now and is essentially finalized. She’s already getting quite a monthly check so lack of money isn’t an issue...if anything, an excess of money is a problem!
     
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  20. wangdaning

    wangdaning TDPRI Member

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    I would just drop it and, if not required for some reason, stop being on call. You seem like a nice person and she is probably just taking advantage of that to get what she wants. I mean, I cannot put myself in your shoes, but if my kid is being a jerk I cut him off from attention (he is 6 though). My point is you are probably better off focusing your attention on something else that makes you happy.
     
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