Paying your dues. Trying to understand.

TeleTex82

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I don't want to make light of your situation.
But I wll share with you what my Wife told me after the both of us had two horrible days: When **** Happens, get a Bigger Shovel.

Keep fighting the good fight.
This sounds like a much more sound strategy than the one my wife and I employ, it's called "Crying into pillows and drinking whiskey."
 

Mouth

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Ear plugs for reading, headphones for audio.

Lovingly letting them know you may be paying their bills one day.
 
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schmee

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I’m wondering if this is “paying your dues”.
Ever since I can remember, when one of us got a new job, the ‘head of the household’ would wake us up super early, and in general increase the overall stress of the family.
One would even start a nightshift job, and sure enough effort was made to put pressure on our sleeping habits.
Like just now, word got out that I’m studying for something very important. You may have guessed it, the tv is louder than my car stereo when I blast music. Lots of distracting behavior, breaking of spirits and a much harder environment to focus.

Is this paying your dues? Is there a legitimate strategy here? Cuz I’ve never gotten it.
It absolutely does not work, but I know people have their ‘ways’ that they’ll never break.
Well.... how old are you? How many of "Us" are there living there anyway?
It sounds like a full house a bit.
The loud TV culprit (if it's really that loud) is someone who is not sympathetic to a shared household. OTOH if you are trying to study or sleep, it's difficult to have the TV on at all while others are doing that.
It sounds to me like the shared household is too much and you need to put together a situation where you can live in a quieter environment. Rents are high, maybe another shared household would be better if that's possible. Although that could be an issue also.
There are often people looking for someone to rent their daylight basement etc. They want a quiet renter, low music or tv and not a lot of traffic. I've done that years ago. Maybe you can find that sort of thing.
The other option is to try and find a shared living near a college campus with people who are not the usual college party crowd but , junior/seniors working seriously on their education or a masters etc.

I dont think this is "paying your dues" this is "adjusting to life when you are young". You find out quickly that to control your life you have to get ahead and get independent. It's probably the most difficult time of life for sure. You'll figure it out, Good luck man.
 
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kuch

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Your avatar says you're 34. It's time to grow up. Get a full time job. Get your own or "better" living space. Finish your degree at night or online. Take control of your life.
 

FuzzWatt

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Your avatar says you're 34. It's time to grow up. Get a full time job. Get your own or "better" living space. Finish your degree at night or online. Take control of your life.

Conversely, you don't know OP's situation, including their mental and physical health. Something to consider when giving "advice".
 

kuch

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Conversely, you don't know OP's situation, including their mental and physical health. Something to consider when giving "advice".

Sorry, you read more into it than I intended. It's just my opinion. It appears that the OP was asking for people's opinions in his post.
 

rave

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I’m wondering if this is “paying your dues”.
Ever since I can remember, when one of us got a new job, the ‘head of the household’ would wake us up super early, and in general increase the overall stress of the family.
One would even start a nightshift job, and sure enough effort was made to put pressure on our sleeping habits.
Like just now, word got out that I’m studying for something very important. You may have guessed it, the tv is louder than my car stereo when I blast music. Lots of distracting behavior, breaking of spirits and a much harder environment to focus.

Is this paying your dues? Is there a legitimate strategy here? Cuz I’ve never gotten it.
It absolutely does not work, but I know people have their ‘ways’ that they’ll never break.
This is called a lack of support or downright sabotage. As others have said if you can separate yourself that may be wise. It is not paying your dues, but may help your grow stronger. You will have to be your own motivation and support system. Keep going and rise above, good luck!!
 

Si G X

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I’m wondering if this is “paying your dues”.
Ever since I can remember, when one of us got a new job, the ‘head of the household’ would wake us up super early, and in general increase the overall stress of the family.
One would even start a nightshift job, and sure enough effort was made to put pressure on our sleeping habits.
Like just now, word got out that I’m studying for something very important. You may have guessed it, the tv is louder than my car stereo when I blast music. Lots of distracting behavior, breaking of spirits and a much harder environment to focus.

Is this paying your dues? Is there a legitimate strategy here? Cuz I’ve never gotten it.
It absolutely does not work, but I know people have their ‘ways’ that they’ll never break.

Seriously, this sounds like abuse .... this isn't normal and isn't 'paying your dues'

'word got out'? ... are you captive in some ****ed up cult?

Get out, whatever you need to do to make it happen, there's a better life outside.
 

Masmus

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I’m wondering if this is “paying your dues”.
Ever since I can remember, when one of us got a new job, the ‘head of the household’ would wake us up super early, and in general increase the overall stress of the family.
One would even start a nightshift job, and sure enough effort was made to put pressure on our sleeping habits.
Like just now, word got out that I’m studying for something very important. You may have guessed it, the tv is louder than my car stereo when I blast music. Lots of distracting behavior, breaking of spirits and a much harder environment to focus.

Is this paying your dues? Is there a legitimate strategy here? Cuz I’ve never gotten it.
It absolutely does not work, but I know people have their ‘ways’ that they’ll never break.
If this is your parent or parents, if they have a job in a high noise environment they may be starting to lose some of their hearing (also from getting older). Turning up the TV is a good sign of this and may not be intentional. Keep in mind telling someone they need hearing aids can be met with hostility and denial and that may not be appropriate at this time if they do have some loss.

When I recorded my first album I booked studio time at night and the neighbors across the street started construction on an addition that same time. The only thing I could do at the time was wear earplugs when I fell asleep. They hurt, were uncomfortable and it took about a week to get used to it but I had no alternative at the time.

If they are toxic it will be near impossible to change their behavior especially if it is coming from more than one person. I live in the Bay Area so I am well aware of how expensive it is to move out. There has been some good advice here and there are inexpensive ways to limit your time with these people. Focus on your life, your priorities and what you can change. Not on what you can't. Hang in there, don't stop trying or working toward your goals.
 

1955

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All of life is paying dues. Sometimes you get a return, sometimes you get zeroed out.

Team up with like-minded others that elevate your circumstances and support your goals. Could be a significant other, or friends, that are on the same page and want to make a better life for themselves.

There is no easy way. It’s all about staying true to who you are, and to your goals, and making whatever sacrifices necessary to live life on your own terms.

You can break free, and you can achieve your dreams, but you have to pay the price.

In the meantime, find your peace, wherever you can, and keep far away from negativity, and people who don’t believe in you.

Good luck to you. I don’t really know your particular situation, but I know what living in hell is like, and how to achieve seemingly impossible things, because I did it, with many adversaries wishing me failure at every turn.
 

Killing Floor

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Since you know what my wife has been home and she finally (finally) finished her PhD but from March, 2020 right up to the day she was hooded I have been staring at my Marshall on 4 12s and losing my soul with headphones or my practice amp. Why? Because I didn’t want to be in the way of her goal. Sounds like you need to finish your goal and make your way. If you’re studying and the people you live with can’t respect that you need to change your environment. And good luck to you.

I am all about loud music and loud football games but never when someone in my family needs me to shut up.
 

teleplayr

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Have a meeting with the others and explain to them your needs and that you're trying to make a better life for yourself and their help would be greatly appreciated.

If that's not possible try to find some other students that you could room with.

That reminds me of a story that a co-worker once told me.......

She was a serious collage student and she had a dorm-mate that was the typical, just moved out from the family and was being the collage "party animal".

After constantly being disturbed by her party animal dorm-mate she had enough.

She wired a transformer to the door knob to their room and one night after her roomie came home drunk she touched the door knob and was practically knocked across the hallway!

The dorm-mate moved and she was finally able to study.
 

Skyhook

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I’m wondering if this is “paying your dues”.
Ever since I can remember, when one of us got a new job, the ‘head of the household’ would wake us up super early, and in general increase the overall stress of the family.
One would even start a nightshift job, and sure enough effort was made to put pressure on our sleeping habits.
Like just now, word got out that I’m studying for something very important. You may have guessed it, the tv is louder than my car stereo when I blast music. Lots of distracting behavior, breaking of spirits and a much harder environment to focus.

Is this paying your dues? Is there a legitimate strategy here? Cuz I’ve never gotten it.
It absolutely does not work, but I know people have their ‘ways’ that they’ll never break.

That is not paying your dues. That’s toxicity.

My wife grew up in a household of negativity (with 6 kids), was led to believe that “life is hard”, that people “like them” could never be successful, no value / funding of college as “it is a waste of money” and “what makes you think you could do x”, etc.

Inevitably, when one of them was working hard to better themselves, obstacles were put up and folks would interfere. I think the subconscious goal was co-dependency and “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” (or, rather, if you don’t imitate us, you’re somehow looking down on us).

She coped by working to avoid the household, spending time at college (community college to keep costs down before transferring for the last year to a public college) and ultimately left the household during college to shack up with me.

Since then she has had to keep a healthy distance from her family to avoid the negativity. And it has been a challenge for her to avoid negative thoughts.

Best of luck with your studies (maybe find a quiet public library?). And break the cycle. It is possible.

This is what's called a Crab Bucket!

 

Frontman

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I was in the same boat, going to school, working part time, and then coming home to dysfunctional family and alcoholic brother. I couldn’t afford tuition let alone move out on my own. But I found an answer to both problems.

I drove to the nearest recruiting center and enlisted in the Army. As you can see, I was quite desperate. The only problem with my plan was having to wait 5 months to ship out. But that gave me time to get into good shape for boot camp.

The Army gave me room and board, it got me very fit, gave me a paycheck every month, it paid off my student loans, as well as the rest of my tuition. The Army also taught me how to pay attention, and how to study, I graduated third in my class in university without really trying.

I also got something valuable to put on my résumé. But most of all, it offered me an escape from a home life which might have dragged me to bad places.
 

johnnylaw

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Remember too that nothing bad ever happens to a writer; it’s all material.
I forged a path out of a similar deuce debacle keeping my eyes on the horizon rather than the tangled mess in close. I’ve outlived a number of those folks, and never did time like some others.
I mine that experience to write songs.
Someone once told me “what don’t kill ya makes ya stronger”. So, I even put that line in a song.
Be true.
 

burntfrijoles

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I'm not sure I've ever experienced anything as severe as you describe. It may be natural to perceive more distractions when you need to focus and concentrate more attention, etc. The same with needing to have more rest or sleep. One's anxiety may increase because you know you have to sleep to get early yet you toss and turn because everything is amplified. Hell, I'm retired and I still feel that way sometimes when I have an early appointment or I can't get back to sleep from my nightly BR trip.
 




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