Paying your dues. Trying to understand.

highwaycat

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I’m wondering if this is “paying your dues”.
Ever since I can remember, when one of us got a new job, the ‘head of the household’ would wake us up super early, and in general increase the overall stress of the family.
One would even start a nightshift job, and sure enough effort was made to put pressure on our sleeping habits.
Like just now, word got out that I’m studying for something very important. You may have guessed it, the tv is louder than my car stereo when I blast music. Lots of distracting behavior, breaking of spirits and a much harder environment to focus.

Is this paying your dues? Is there a legitimate strategy here? Cuz I’ve never gotten it.
It absolutely does not work, but I know people have their ‘ways’ that they’ll never break.
 

String Tree

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I’m wondering if this is “paying your dues”.
Ever since I can remember, when one of us got a new job, the ‘head of the household’ would wake us up super early, and in general increase the overall stress of the family.
One would even start a nightshift job, and sure enough effort was made to put pressure on our sleeping habits.
Like just now, word got out that I’m studying for something very important. You may have guessed it, the tv is louder than my car stereo when I blast music. Lots of distracting behavior, breaking of spirits and a much harder environment to focus.

Is this paying your dues? Is there a legitimate strategy here? Cuz I’ve never gotten it.
It absolutely does not work, but I know people have their ‘ways’ that they’ll never break.
I don't want to make light of your situation.
But I wll share with you what my Wife told me after the both of us had two horrible days: When **** Happens, get a Bigger Shovel.

Keep fighting the good fight.
 

FuzzWatt

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They say, you don't choose your family. But the good news is, you choose your friends, and your friends can become family, and you can choose to limit time spent with your family once you're on your own.

Best of luck, and cherish your friendships.
 

Masmus

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Some people are toxic and when you are close you can't see the forest through the trees. If it's a parent get out as soon as you can, if it's a significant other god help you. When I was younger my brother took my car to run errands right before I left for my midterms in college. I failed those classes.
 

Cpb2020

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That is not paying your dues. That’s toxicity.

My wife grew up in a household of negativity (with 6 kids), was led to believe that “life is hard”, that people “like them” could never be successful, no value / funding of college as “it is a waste of money” and “what makes you think you could do x”, etc.

Inevitably, when one of them was working hard to better themselves, obstacles were put up and folks would interfere. I think the subconscious goal was co-dependency and “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” (or, rather, if you don’t imitate us, you’re somehow looking down on us).

She coped by working to avoid the household, spending time at college (community college to keep costs down before transferring for the last year to a public college) and ultimately left the household during college to shack up with me.

Since then she has had to keep a healthy distance from her family to avoid the negativity. And it has been a challenge for her to avoid negative thoughts.

Best of luck with your studies (maybe find a quiet public library?). And break the cycle. It is possible.
 

Peegoo

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"Paying one's dues" is BS. Only gatekeepers claim that sort of crap, and they can go pound sand.

Sounds to me like selfish, inconsiderate behavior on the part of your cohabitants.

When everyone is packed in tightly, it is no time to be selfish. Everyone has to think about the *collective* needs of the group, and get along, or there will be...trouble.

tom-isaksen-robocop-01-full.jpg
 

stormsedge

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Is this paying your dues? Is there a legitimate strategy here?

I interpret it as interfering.

It is passive aggressive behavior rooted in toxicity...bad for you (but you already know it). For whatever reason, the people around you are trying to hold you back. ((We used to call this sort of thing "being mean".)) My ex-son-in-law and his family were experts, and nearly drove my daughter off the edge. Move on and kick the dust from your sandals as soon as you are able.
 
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985plowboy

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Sounds like a tough spot.

When I was in college I lived in an apartment with 4 other dudes, all great guys and good friends and all a year or two older than me.
As the youngest, I was the last to graduate.
By my senior year they all had jobs and income and every evening it became mini spring break which was amazingly distracting!
I had to go back to campus and study at the library or risk failing.

You have a library nearby?
 

loopfinding

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Average rent is over $2700. Gas is over $6.50.
Everybody’s huddled together.

yep. saw the recommendation to move out, saw you're in CA, and laughed (on what planet?). i'm originally from jersey. same absurd cost of living.

and with school, even in-state tuition is minimum 15k a year, some schools higher, and you're married to it because of residence. otherwise your options are brutal private tuition or out of state tuition that rivals private tuition in a neighboring state. or taking a leap of faith, moving somewhere, being set back a year to establish residence, and then taking a chance on where you'll even get in.

so yeah i feel you. in the coastal states it's just damn near impossible to do it without help these days. i know a guy who's on his own and has been at a degree for like 6-7 years because he can only go part time, just to have enough time to work to pay his brutally high rent (with two or three roommates too).
 
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OmegaWoods

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My dad always said the key to happiness is managing expectations. There are "good luthier situations" in several places in the US that won't involve you living with your a**hole family but you do you.

I suspect you're all just tired of each other.
 

Telekarster

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I wouldn't call it hard knocks but rather a toxic environment, from the sounds of it. Although you're no doubt getting some experience on what not to live with in the future I suppose. If it were me, I'd be as absent from that environment as much as I could, and would be working towards removing myself from that situation completely. FWIW and good luck man!
 

imwjl

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My mom's basement.
I’m wondering if this is “paying your dues”.
Ever since I can remember, when one of us got a new job, the ‘head of the household’ would wake us up super early, and in general increase the overall stress of the family.
One would even start a nightshift job, and sure enough effort was made to put pressure on our sleeping habits.
Like just now, word got out that I’m studying for something very important. You may have guessed it, the tv is louder than my car stereo when I blast music. Lots of distracting behavior, breaking of spirits and a much harder environment to focus.

Is this paying your dues? Is there a legitimate strategy here? Cuz I’ve never gotten it.
It absolutely does not work, but I know people have their ‘ways’ that they’ll never break.
If you have to be in a shared living space you should be able to find a quiet study place such as at a library. If you're studying and working at some bigger goal pick that fight and not ones that will distract.

It was different time but I finished college later and was in a mix of roommates, temp living and even sublet. It helped to not be upset when that was good and go find space to get my schoolwork and sanity.

The past few years have had our home crowded re pandemic and for a while more than our 3 kids - noise cancelling headphones or earbuds are your friends if you can afford them.

Good luck.
 




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