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parents who lose a child at birth-what can be done for them?

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by blowtorch, Sep 9, 2020.

  1. blowtorch

    blowtorch Telefied Ad Free Member

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    So far I've got informing everyone who needs to know, and clearing out the house of baby things while they are still at the hosp

    on my short term radar are flowers and food, and making their wishes for a service and handling of remains happen

    on my longer term radar are things like reminding them of stages of grief and gentle suggestions of how individuals coping with things differently can potentially cause resentment. things like that. and of course being available to listen

    Just trying to think whether i'm missing anythng basic

    i know this is grim. sorry
     
  2. 8barlouie

    8barlouie Friend of Leo's Gold Supporter

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    Wow! I’ve never had a situation like that. Stay strong and be there for them. Sounds like you’re already doing that.
     
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  3. ThatWorshipTone

    ThatWorshipTone TDPRI Member

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    Just be there for them, and don't be there when they want to be alone. It's a hard subject, and I don't think there is any solid way to help them. Being a worship director, I get calls like this every week. Its tiring, but remember, they are way more tired and broken then you are of hearing it. Just be there for them, and do whatever you can to help them and bring them peace.

    I am deeply sorry for your loss, and I hope they recover and attempt to live with this. If you guys ever need anything, I will do all I can to help.
     
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  4. bsman

    bsman Friend of Leo's

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    Short term, sounds like you're handling it perfectly. Longer term I would recommend they - and particularly the mother - seek professional counseling. This isn't something that is easy to overcome.
     
  5. Deeve

    Deeve Poster Extraordinaire Silver Supporter

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    When things become still, you may find other folks who have experience w/ this kind of loss, and we may be useful to the family that nearly was.
    26 years on, I still find myself looking over at a young man at a job-site or on campus and wonder where our boy would have gone.
    Not obsessive - it just lands gently, from time to time, then drifts away.

    Peace - Deeve
     
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  6. Whatizitman

    Whatizitman Friend of Leo's

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    Just be available, and listen without judgment. Resist the temptation to try to "solve" anything for them.

    And definitely. DEFINITELY don't tell them a bunch of religious hooey to try to make them feel better. It doesn't. It doesn't matter how sincere the intention is. Just don't. It's about the parents experiencing tragic loss, and nothing more.

    People need healing. Not platitudes.

    My son would have been 20 last weekend.
     
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2020
  7. ale.istotle

    ale.istotle Tele-Holic Silver Supporter

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    Make sure they feel that they can talk about their child - that it's not off-limits. Most people avoid the topic for self preservation or avoidance of awkwardness. Not always what the parents need. I had a work friend who named, celebrated, freely discussed the child they lost at birth. It gave her comfort and maybe validation that the life did happen and mattered. Follow their lead. Good of you to be there.
     
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  8. 4 Cat Slim

    4 Cat Slim Friend of Leo's

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    You're a good man, Blowtorch.

    When a young couple at my church lost their infant daughter, we dedicated the room reserved for parents with crying children to the
    child's memory.
    There's a plaque on the door noting this. The room was freshly painted and given new furnishings.
    Just an idea...
     
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  9. blowtorch

    blowtorch Telefied Ad Free Member

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    I'd dearly love not to be here but my son is one of the parents
     
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  10. Dreadnut

    Dreadnut Friend of Leo's

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    So sorry for your loss.

    My daughter and her husband lost a baby that was still born the day before her due date. The umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck several times.

    This is the deepest valley I've ever walked, our kids as well. I was about to celebrate my 60th birthday, looking forward to another grandchild to celebrate it with, and instead I found myself writing her little obituary.

    In the long term, professional counseling for sure, but for right now:

    Meals
    House cleaning
    Visits, holding hands, crying along with them
    Prayers

    People brought meals to my daughters house and to our house for over two months. My wife moved in with them for a time just to help with everything; they also had a 7-year old.

    One day, a bunch of friends from our Church family came over to our house and cleaned it from top to bottom. Just came in and went to work. I can't tell you how much that meant, the memories are streaming down my face as I write this.

    There will be days when they don't even feel they can get out of bed, or put one foot in front of the other, but your gentle, loving acts of kindness will help them cope.

    I just read that this was your grandchild...be sure to take care of yourself too.

    Psalm 23 became very real to me during this time.
     
  11. stxrus

    stxrus Poster Extraordinaire

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    Kudos to you blowtorch for stepping up at a horrible time in their lives.
    To me it sounds like are on the right path, at least for the short term.
    Fo the longer term, make yourself available (when you can), listen, and just be there for them.

    Counseling, if they are up for it, could be a good thing. Talking about these situations can help close deep wounds

    My deepest condolences go out to your son, his wife and you.
     
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  12. SonicBlueByYou

    SonicBlueByYou TDPRI Member

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    Condolences blowtorch, other words escape me.
     
  13. Nightclub Dwight

    Nightclub Dwight Tele-Afflicted

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    Hey Blowtorch, it seems like you're doing an excellent job of it so far.

    I just want to add my sympathies to you and your family. I know you are doing all that you can for your son and his partner, but don't forget that you're a victim here as well. Take care of yourself too.
     
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  14. John Nicholas

    John Nicholas Friend of Leo's

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    You are a very good man. This is the most tragic event that could ever happen in a parents life.

    You are doing all the practical tasks that require doing. But I would certainly ask them what belongings, photos or other personal stuff they want to keep or continue to see on a daily basis.

    Every single person handles this type of tragedy in their own way.

    Honestly, the most important task for the parents is counseling. And they both will need it. If they have other children, they too will need the support.

    I had this happen to very good friends many years ago. It was tragic on so many levels. While I don't know the details of your situation, in the case I know of, there was blame, anger, and a huge lack of communication. It was horrible for the couple, family and friends.

    These parents will require a huge amount of understanding, love and support.
     
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  15. aging_rocker

    aging_rocker Tele-Afflicted

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    Oh man, this is such sad, heartbreaking news.

    Words are pretty inadequate...

    Just try to look after them, and yourself, as best as you can.
     
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  16. blowtorch

    blowtorch Telefied Ad Free Member

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    honestly this is not about collecting kudos or anything, i'm wanting to know if I"m overlooking anything.
    and believe me this isn't the only place i've asked, but different perspectives can see things differently
     
  17. John Nicholas

    John Nicholas Friend of Leo's

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    My deepest condolences to you and your family at this very trying time.
     
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  18. blowtorch

    blowtorch Telefied Ad Free Member

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    I am deeply sorry for your loss. I can guarantee they meant well.
    The father involved has texted me... things that are definitely not hooey to him
     
  19. E5RSY

    E5RSY Doctor of Teleocity

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    I would seriously consider some sort of therapy for them, at least in the short-term, assuming they're willing. Individual, as a couple, in a group, or any appropriate combination thereof.

    Before clearing out the baby-related contents, I would make sure this is not something they, or one of them, want to do themselves. I imagine you've already ascertained this.

    Heartbreaking to hear of this. I am proud to "know" you. You're doing good.

    Scott
     
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  20. stormsedge

    stormsedge Friend of Leo's

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    Prayers.
     
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