Parenting insights.

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by imwjl, Nov 20, 2019.

  1. raito

    raito Poster Extraordinaire

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    I know a family that has 4 children. 3 of them are fine upstanding citizens. The other one is in jail for life.

    My aunt and uncle had 3 sons. All went to Catholic school and were Boy Scouts. All felons, 1 dead.

    My screwed-up parents have my sister and I and we're doing fine.

    My wife was allowed to run mostly free by her drunk parents. My wife is fine.

    Sometimes I don't think it matters much how you raise them.
     
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  2. Whatizitman

    Whatizitman Friend of Leo's

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    Right! It's uphill! Both ways!
     
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  3. BigDaddyLH

    BigDaddyLH Tele Axpert Ad Free Member

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    To am extent. My wife works part time at a street clinic and she tells me about the people she sees, and there are a lot of sad stories. Girls pimped out at 12 by their drug addict step fathers. Kids coming home after school to find dad swinging from the rafters by his brand new tie. There are things that are nearly (nearly) guaranteed to mess you up. If not for life, at least for a long time.
     
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  4. imwjl

    imwjl Poster Extraordinaire

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    I'm one of 3 siblings who had an abusive parent, and to some extent I understand where and how the messes occurred. There are permanent scars but among the 3 siblings we have two who learned to bury stuff that won't do anyone any good.

    The reality of my starting this post is I really tune into parenting ways when I'm aware of it. I was afraid to be a parent because I was abused. I live with some fear and drive to try and not repeat bad stuff.

    You can also catch up from a mess. I learned to consider some as mentors and in a better late than never way finished education I had abandoned earlier. I worry about a niece these days but in the back of my mind know what I got figured out and worked out once I was on my own.
     
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  5. BigDaddyLH

    BigDaddyLH Tele Axpert Ad Free Member

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    Crap that happens in life can make one more compassionate to the suffering of others.<insert Buddhist teaching/>
     
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  6. raito

    raito Poster Extraordinaire

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    I was wary of it when I was younger. Then I got a little older and realized that there are negative examples and positive examples. Both are useful.
     
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  7. getbent

    getbent Telefied Silver Supporter

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    it is a cool, classic tdpri thread where we have a real convo... I dig it. We have similar backgrounds... I am a huge defender, protector and have a probably too acute awareness of situations about to go non linear...

    My goal as a parent was to never strike my kids and to not 'crush them' emotionally. Since before their birth, I have had a mantra of sorts that I take myself through to fight the impulses that were inculcated in me. I am REALLY good at advocating for other people, not so much for myself, but now that my kids are all in their 20's... I can say, I succeeded at my goal.

    Now, I'm SURE my kids have many criticisms of me, which is natural and normal, but, I know that one of them is not abusive, violent or soul crushing. Way to hang in there and prevail @imwjl 'focus to finish' I think you have a LOT of that! which is awesome.
     
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  8. Throttleneck

    Throttleneck Tele-Afflicted Silver Supporter

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    I was a good kid, good grades in high school. When I bought my first car I had to have the total cost ready, plus the cost of insurance for a year.

    My brother (5 years younger) was a pot head that always got into trouble. Did poorly in school. My folks bought him a Camaro based on the same logic as above.

    He is now a two time convicted felon. Federal crimes.
     
  9. Hiker

    Hiker Poster Extraordinaire

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    At home: rules and boundaries from a very young age. If they are part of a loving household, things should most often sway on the side of good, and predictable.

    In a more random, confusing, or cluttered household, chaos or the desire to disconnect can be a common (or daily) thing.
     
    Last edited: Nov 21, 2019
  10. BigDaddyLH

    BigDaddyLH Tele Axpert Ad Free Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  11. P Thought

    P Thought Poster Extraordinaire Ad Free Member

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    Hemph, humph, hawmph. . .what kind of car?
     
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  12. imwjl

    imwjl Poster Extraordinaire

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    I don't know. What stood out was the parents having had ongoing dialog missed the consistency and consequences themes my wife had been emphasizing.

    To getbent's point there's time for young people to figure things out. In my case college graduation was 10 years after high school graduation. So far our creating kids is working okay knowing we have our own failings.
     
  13. P Thought

    P Thought Poster Extraordinaire Ad Free Member

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    I know I live in a glass house. My kids are all a lot like me, and at the same time a lot like their mother. I'm both proud and sorry. They're on their own now. We still help them as much as we can, when they need us.
     
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  14. imwjl

    imwjl Poster Extraordinaire

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    I hope I'm not fooling myself and sure hope they keep going as well but most days I see our 3 demonstrating more of the good than bad they've been given or handed. They're at an age when they know their parents are human too. Beyond genes they're getting the best from their grandmothers who are still alive. They see strong survivors with the right attitude toward important things.

    I'm starting to think the experts who say have meals at home together are on to something. The food prep part has been with obvious benefits. The together time let's us be detectives or tune into matters. You're right though about the glass house. This morning the very much mama's boy did say I'm alright.

    I used to have thoughts that if you have kids and consume you should also try to be contributors. I think that's going alright and hope it goes on.

    One kid who's wanted to be a teacher is getting discouragement from the teacher mom but I sort of get that. They have a mom who was taught by and inspired by a famous educator. Their mom truly wanted to teach kids. She's stood up to coaches when star athletes did terrible stuff. She works in a school with gang and gun problems. She's very burnt out on the disrespect given to teachers and education. Working with a difficult group of kids she gets administrators and the guards running away when they should be there. The terrible move toward people so polarized and tribal is really bad for the classic good teachers. I wonder how many more kids interested in education are being told don't do it.

    :)
     
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