1. Win a Broadcaster or one of 3 Teles! The annual Supporting Member Giveaway is on. To enter Click Here. To see all the prizes and full details Click Here. To view the thread about the giveaway Click Here.

One-liners.

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by Bendyha, Aug 19, 2019.

  1. Mike SS

    Mike SS Poster Extraordinaire Silver Supporter

    Age:
    65
    Posts:
    8,938
    Joined:
    Aug 9, 2012
    Location:
    Nebraska
    The worst thing about oral s-x is the view. Rodney Dangerfield.
     
    Stubee and Tonetele like this.
  2. keithb7

    keithb7 Friend of Leo's

    Posts:
    4,957
    Joined:
    Jan 9, 2010
    Location:
    Western Canada
    I’ve been thinking about the chess/height one, all day. Still not getting it.
     
    Bendyha, TokyoPortrait and dlew919 like this.
  3. Guitarteach

    Guitarteach Doctor of Teleocity

    Posts:
    10,265
    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2014
    Location:
    UK

    I invited my chess grandmaster friend to dinner. Unfortunately I had a chequered cloth on the table. It took him two hours to pass the salt.
     
  4. Whatizitman

    Whatizitman Friend of Leo's

    Posts:
    4,453
    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2018
    Location:
    WV
    Yep. The king of drug-fueled one liners.

    My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said NO. But I want a regular banana later. So, yeah!

    OK, more than one line.
     
    CV Jee Beez likes this.
  5. Whatizitman

    Whatizitman Friend of Leo's

    Posts:
    4,453
    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2018
    Location:
    WV
    Yeah, it's too high brow for me. It's way over my head. *wink wink nudge nudge*

    EDIT: Wait, that's puns. Not one-liners. This is why I don't do comedy for a living. OK not the only reason. But a good reason.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2019
  6. Whatizitman

    Whatizitman Friend of Leo's

    Posts:
    4,453
    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2018
    Location:
    WV
    "I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.”
     
  7. nojazzhere

    nojazzhere Doctor of Teleocity

    Age:
    69
    Posts:
    13,423
    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2017
    Location:
    Foat Wuth, Texas
    I'd swear I heard that in a Monty Python sketch.....but maybe not. ;)
    And....of course, I was wrong.....:(

    Watch the whole thing.
     
  8. stinkey

    stinkey Tele-Afflicted

    Posts:
    1,255
    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2010
    Location:
    malmö sweden
    Why is it so hard to spell dyslexia?
     
    Stubee, Deathray and nojazzhere like this.
  9. Bendyha

    Bendyha Friend of Leo's Silver Supporter

    Posts:
    2,554
    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2014
    Location:
    Northern Germany
    Don't bother, I spared it a few seconds and decided it is either one of those insider "fake jokes", or just plain not worth rating as a joke.
    If it needs explaining, it doesn't cut it as a one-liner, where the quick unexpected twist and thrust is the making of the joke.
     
    keithb7 and nojazzhere like this.
  10. Guitarteach

    Guitarteach Doctor of Teleocity

    Posts:
    10,265
    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2014
    Location:
    UK
    Which joker decided to put an s in lisp!
     
    ravindave_3600 and stinkey like this.
  11. 1300 E Valencia

    1300 E Valencia Friend of Leo's

    Posts:
    2,685
    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2010
    Location:
    Fullerton CA
    Yesterday I realized I missed my ex.
    Next time I'll aim better.
     
    Deathray and Deeve like this.
  12. nojazzhere

    nojazzhere Doctor of Teleocity

    Age:
    69
    Posts:
    13,423
    Joined:
    Feb 3, 2017
    Location:
    Foat Wuth, Texas
    I'm making a guess here, but I suspect it's a Woody Allen self-deprecating line.....making fun of his own inadequacies. Sorry if I spoiled someone's sense of "insider superiority"....;)
     
  13. Deathray

    Deathray Tele-Afflicted

    Age:
    56
    Posts:
    1,405
    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2019
    Location:
    Central illinois
    More Mitch Hedburg:

    I saw an escalator with an “out of order” sign on it...
    Shouldn’t it say “temporarily stairs?”
     
    Shuster, dlew919, Steve 78 and 3 others like this.
  14. Deathray

    Deathray Tele-Afflicted

    Age:
    56
    Posts:
    1,405
    Joined:
    Feb 1, 2019
    Location:
    Central illinois
    More Steven Wright:

    My neighbors have a circular driveway, they can never leave.

    I put instant coffee in the microwave, and I went back in time.
     
  15. TigerG

    TigerG Tele-Afflicted

    Posts:
    1,145
    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2015
    Location:
    Nashville
    That's funny! I had no idea that the joke in the post I was responding to was from the very same sketch as the joke I put forward. And, in my memory it was Benny himself that was making out with the girl...
     
  16. eclecticsynergy

    eclecticsynergy Friend of Leo's

    Posts:
    2,383
    Joined:
    Nov 16, 2014
    Location:
    Albany NY
    My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure miss him.
     
    nojazzhere and SecretSquirrel like this.
  17. eclecticsynergy

    eclecticsynergy Friend of Leo's

    Posts:
    2,383
    Joined:
    Nov 16, 2014
    Location:
    Albany NY
    More from Stephen Wright:

    What happens if you get scared half to death... twice?

    A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

    I intend to live forever.... So far, so good.

    Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

    A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

    How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
     
    Deathray, Shuster, nojazzhere and 2 others like this.
  18. RollingBender

    RollingBender Tele-Afflicted Vendor Member

    Posts:
    1,398
    Joined:
    May 14, 2011
    Location:
    SW Minnesota
    And who is the cruel jerk who put an “r” in rhotacism?
     
  19. Bendyha

    Bendyha Friend of Leo's Silver Supporter

    Posts:
    2,554
    Joined:
    Mar 26, 2014
    Location:
    Northern Germany
    Same one that thought monosyllabism.

    Probably an orthinologist....a word botcher.
     
  20. Guitarteach

    Guitarteach Doctor of Teleocity

    Posts:
    10,265
    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2014
    Location:
    UK
    How does a doctor diagnose rhotacism? He asks you to say Arghhhh

    What do you call a pirate with rhotacism? Quiet.
     
    ravindave_3600 likes this.
IMPORTANT: Treat everyone here with respect, no matter how difficult!
No sex, drug, political, religion or hate discussion permitted here.