One-liners.

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by Bendyha, Aug 19, 2019.

  1. Bendyha

    Bendyha Tele-Afflicted Silver Supporter

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    "Funniest Joke of The Fringe" award at this years Edinburgh Festival

    "I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have florets" - Olaf Falafel

    Runners up;

    "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they're happy" - Richard Stott

    "What's driving Brexit? From here it looks like it's probably the Duke of Edinburgh" - Milton Jones

    "A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said, 'Yes, of course. - That's 20 cows'" - Jake Lambert

    "A thesaurus is great. There's no other word for it" - Ross Smith

    "Sleep is my favourite thing in the world. It's the reason I get up in the morning" - Ross Smith

    "I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; I'm really struggling to get out of it" - Adele Cliff

    "After learning six hours of basic semaphore, I was flagging - Richard Pulsford

    "To be or not to be a horse rider, that is Equestrian" - Mark Simmons

    "I've got an Eton-themed advent calendar, where all the doors are opened for me by my dad's contacts" - Ivo Graham


    Have you heard any good one-liners lately?
     
  2. dlew919

    dlew919 Poster Extraordinaire

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    I did like the driving one.




    Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
     
  3. johnny k

    johnny k Friend of Leo's

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  4. trev333

    trev333 Telefied Ad Free Member

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    rounding up the cows cracked me up....:lol:
     
  5. Fiesta Red

    Fiesta Red Friend of Leo's

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    “I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse!”*
    -Groucho Marks

    *I say this one to my daughter a lot...always gets a giggle.

    “If all the girls at the Yale prom were laid end-to-end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.”
    -Dorothy Parker

    “If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then give up—there’s no use in being a d&@% fool about it!”
    -WC Fields

    “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend...inside a dog, it’s much too dark to read.”
    -Groucho Marx

    “ “
    -Marcel Marceau
     
  6. RoyBGood

    RoyBGood Doctor of Teleocity

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    I liked the 1st runner-up best. The Eton one is, sadly the most accurate.
     
  7. RodeoTex

    RodeoTex Poster Extraordinaire

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    When I was a kid I could walk into a store with one dollar and come out with 2 candy bars, a bag of chips, a coke and a pack of gum, now they have darn cameras everywhere.
     
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  8. NewKid

    NewKid Tele-Meister

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    Do you know that show the Bachelor where one guy goes out with 20 women? That’s a great show!

    But do you know that show the Bachelorette where one woman goes out with 20 guys? That’s like, “Who wants to marry the whore?”

    And my favorite Anthony Jesalnik joke:

    I’ve been looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer for the last two years. Nobody will do it.
     
  9. Teleterr

    Teleterr Friend of Leo's

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    ...? Phil is a bad driver and there in lies the humor ? , humour.
     
  10. Guitarteach

    Guitarteach Poster Extraordinaire

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    The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.

    I saw a great documentary about ship building on the Clyde. Rivetting!
     
  11. nojazzhere

    nojazzhere Poster Extraordinaire

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    And the great thing about the Yale prom girls one is, you can tell it with any local university, or even a city. ;)
     
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  12. teletimetx

    teletimetx Doctor of Teleocity

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    "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." -- Dave Barry

    "If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

    "Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

    I saw a sign that said “Watch for Children” and I thought, “that sounds like a fair trade.”

    I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
     
  13. G.Rotten

    G.Rotten Tele-Holic

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    Great. I guess it's up to me to help Phil in the lines.
     
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  14. lammie200

    lammie200 Tele-Afflicted

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    Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
     
  15. nojazzhere

    nojazzhere Poster Extraordinaire

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    Familiar with the Restaurant at the End of the Universe?......where you can "meet your meat"?
     
  16. Guitarteach

    Guitarteach Poster Extraordinaire

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    I suffer from kleptomania. When it’s bad I take something for it. — Ken Dodd.
     
  17. Guitarteach

    Guitarteach Poster Extraordinaire

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    Tommy Cooper had some good ones...

    ‘I met my wife at a dance. I thought she was at home with the kids’

    ‘My uncle was a great conductor. He was struck by lightning’
     
  18. Guitarteach

    Guitarteach Poster Extraordinaire

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    My wife used to smoke after we had s*x. Now we use KY.
     
  19. Whatizitman

    Whatizitman Friend of Leo's

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    OK this one took me way too long to get. :oops:
     
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  20. Guitarteach

    Guitarteach Poster Extraordinaire

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    Hear about the two spiders that got married? They met on the web.
     
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