One-liners.

I did like the driving one.




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

 

rounding up the cows cracked me up....

 

“I’d horsewhip you if I had a horse!”*
-Groucho Marks

*I say this one to my daughter a lot...always gets a giggle.

“If all the girls at the Yale prom were laid end-to-end, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.”
-Dorothy Parker

“If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then give up—there’s no use in being a d&@% fool about it!”
-WC Fields

“Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend...inside a dog, it’s much too dark to read.”
-Groucho Marx

“ “
-Marcel Marceau

 

I liked the 1st runner-up best. The Eton one is, sadly the most accurate.

 

When I was a kid I could walk into a store with one dollar and come out with 2 candy bars, a bag of chips, a coke and a pack of gum, now they have darn cameras everywhere.

 

Do you know that show the Bachelor where one guy goes out with 20 women? That’s a great show!

But do you know that show the Bachelorette where one woman goes out with 20 guys? That’s like, “Who wants to marry the whore?”

And my favorite Anthony Jesalnik joke:

I’ve been looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer for the last two years. Nobody will do it.

 

...? Phil is a bad driver and there in lies the humor ? , humour.

 

The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. She was wearing massive gloves.

I saw a great documentary about ship building on the Clyde. Rivetting!

 

And the great thing about the Yale prom girls one is, you can tell it with any local university, or even a city.

 

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." -- Dave Barry

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

"Bigamy is having one wife/husband too many. Monogamy is the same." --Oscar Wilde

I saw a sign that said “Watch for Children” and I thought, “that sounds like a fair trade.”

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

 

Great. I guess it's up to me to help Phil in the lines.

 

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

 

Familiar with the Restaurant at the End of the Universe?......where you can "meet your meat"?

 

I suffer from kleptomania. When it’s bad I take something for it. — Ken Dodd.

 

Tommy Cooper had some good ones...

‘I met my wife at a dance. I thought she was at home with the kids’

‘My uncle was a great conductor. He was struck by lightning’

 

My wife used to smoke after we had s*x. Now we use KY.

 

OK this one took me way too long to get.

 

Hear about the two spiders that got married? They met on the web.