Need some advice about moving away, due to family issues

wulfenganck

Tele-Afflicted
Joined
Aug 18, 2015
Posts
1,546
Location
Seligenstadt, Germany
Never even thought about that. They sorta forced me to become an owner earlier this year. I wanted to straighten out some things and lay some ground work, set some boundaries but nope.

The last check I deposited was from December. I get checks every week but due to cash flow (which there shouldn't be, we are very busy and have a great reputation).... So I have a massive pile, every few weeks I get to put a couple in. That is one thing I wanted to straighten out going forward. But I was the bad one for delaying things.
Jezebus.....get out!!!!
I have to state 'though, you seem to have a serious issue with voicing your opinion and fighting for your interests. I mean, come on, you've become an owner and haven't sorted one out the main issues, i.e. getting to know the cashflow/accountance work of the business. Seems like you're getting framed.
 

Telekarster

Poster Extraordinaire
Gold Supporter
Joined
Aug 14, 2019
Posts
6,203
Location
Earth
Thank you all...I know what I have to do.. I hope I don't come across whiny, because i'm not. Overall I'm still happy... It's just who else could I talk to this about except for a bunch of strangers who all love Tele's on the internet.

I might go plug in my Esquire and play some Johnny Cash!

That's the spirit! You've gotten some really good advice here, and a lot of things to think on I'm sure. I wish I had avenues like this when I was a youngster, cause boy I sure coulda used some myself, but the internet hadn't been invented yet! LOL!! Still, what @Toto'sDad said as well as @teletail said, I can't say any better. What you've got there is decades and lifetime experience talkin'. I wouldn't even know how to put a price on that.

Good luck to you man, and I wish you all the best!
 

gimmeatele

Friend of Leo's
Joined
Jun 5, 2014
Posts
2,322
Age
62
Location
Alora Spain
Sounds to me like the time has come to literally or figuratively bang some heads together.! Speak up and tell them your point of view in a clear way explaining what you feel and how you feel about it then leave it to them to sort out or not, make your choice from there
 

David C

Tele-Holic
Joined
Mar 28, 2020
Posts
529
Age
66
Location
Coraopolis, PA
Never even thought about that. They sorta forced me to become an owner earlier this year. I wanted to straighten out some things and lay some ground work, set some boundaries but nope.

The last check I deposited was from December. I get checks every week but due to cash flow (which there shouldn't be, we are very busy and have a great reputation).... So I have a massive pile, every few weeks I get to put a couple in. That is one thing I wanted to straighten out going forward. But I was the bad one for delaying things.
the nice thing about living 2200 miles away from my family is I appreciate them a lot more. Trust me when I say there is nothing anyone can ever do (aside from sleeping with your wife or murder) that would warrant completely cutting anyone off. That is for your benefit. You don't build up that inside yourself. You just deal with those people "at a distance". You don't avoid them, you don't have any hate for them... you just choose to be involved with them as little as possible. To make anything more of it than that - means you have things in yourself that you need to deal with... and that really doesn't have a lot to do with them.
He has things to deal with, but it sounds like he may be in a narcissistic family and there always is a scapegoat. Sometimes complete breaking away from these situations is the ONLY remedy. He may have realized a few things about the situation, but that doesn't mean they have realized anything. They may never get to that place, either. Isolation is sometimes the correct answer in certain situations.
 

Toto'sDad

Tele Axpert
Ad Free Member
Joined
Jun 21, 2011
Posts
57,721
Location
Bakersfield
I have seven (7) sisters and one (1) brother.

Family drama ?

Without that there’d hardly be any family interaction. ! 🤣😩🤣😩🤣😩

At any one time you’d need a conspiracy wall chart with red yarn in a tangled spiderweb to track all the grudges/beefs/hurt feelings.

Hysterical…
My wife is from a large family same number as yours, but three girls and six boys. You hit the nail on the head with that many different folks involved, especially when you throw in wives, girlfriends and kids, there's never a dull moment. They have dwindled down to four in number, enjoy the real life drama while you can, I guarantee you'll miss it if you're one of the survivors, and their numbers dwindle.
 

mistermikev

Tele-Afflicted
Joined
Feb 20, 2018
Posts
1,181
Age
48
Location
phoenix
He has things to deal with, but it sounds like he may be in a narcissistic family and there always is a scapegoat. Sometimes complete breaking away from these situations is the ONLY remedy. He may have realized a few things about the situation, but that doesn't mean they have realized anything. They may never get to that place, either. Isolation is sometimes the correct answer in certain situations.
We're all out here living the hardest lives we've ever known. IMO it is a mistake to think you can fix anything/anyone in the world... the only things you can change are inside yourself. If you/he thinks isolation is the key to fixing this inside your/himself... well then it's worth a try.
 

Blazer

Doctor of Teleocity
Ad Free Member
Joined
Dec 2, 2003
Posts
17,612
Age
46
Location
The Netherlands
The only thing I can do is make you laugh with a funny video to make you forget about life for a while.


Having said that. This song is about the mother of the lead singer dying and how he got news of his cousin being gravely ill too and there was no way for him NOT having to deal with all of that. So it fits your situation too.
 

boris bubbanov

Tele Axpert
Ad Free Member
Joined
Feb 24, 2007
Posts
56,302
Location
New Orleans, LA + in the
Will they buy you out of the business?

I straightened my brother’s behavior real fast with that question…
I hear that.

But I also know of instances where the seller ended up buying them out.

Either way, this is where the change needs to be. Fix this and I suspect all the other grievances will abate.
 

Timbresmith1

Friend of Leo's
Joined
Oct 1, 2010
Posts
3,432
Location
Central TX
I hear that.

But I also know of instances where the seller ended up buying them out.

Either way, this is where the change needs to be. Fix this and I suspect all the other grievances will abate.
I suggested the former because bickering types will never leave him alone about his running the business.
 

CX Hunter

Tele-Meister
Joined
May 12, 2020
Posts
199
Location
Pomona NY
You're in a damned if you - damned if you don't situation. But you only live once. You're in the prime of life. You could be there for who-knows-how-many years and burn away what may potentially be the most rewarding part of your short time on this planet. You DON'T want to be looking back 30 or 40 years from now, kicking yourself for trying to save an un-saveable situation. Toxic family - will cause you stress that will ultimately have bad effects on your health. Do what you need to to and move on. There's no PERFECT solution. But there are no do-overs in life. Move on and start over. Many people have done it. I have.
 

getbent

Telefied
Gold Supporter
Joined
Mar 2, 2006
Posts
48,014
Location
San Benito County, California
OP, great first post on this thread. You want all sides and to be fair. That is a GREAT intention. So, lots of advice in this thread, I'll share mine.

Boundaries. You have not created boundaries for behavior and interaction but you sense when people have violated boundaries you have not created and held people to. Think about that for a moment.

You have always been helpful and cooperative and people have used those things to the point you feel taken advantage of.

You need to sit down with yourself (and this thread) and define some boundaries. This doesn't have to mean leaving town or being bought out of a business or not doing nice things... it means setting some boundaries for what you will and can do, what you want to do and what you cannot and will not do and then when those things arise, pleasantly and calmly informing folks that you can or can't do the thing.

If you can figure out what you like and want to do and what things feel like being taken advantage of, you can set boundaries. Remember, most people cause themselves to fail... so, if you resist this, you have to ask yourself if somehow you aren't fed by the drama and if it hasn't become 'what you know and are uncomfortably comfortable with.'

When people say awful things to people... at that moment you simply have to say, 'That is an awful thing to say, what would cause you to say such a thing?' If they don't do an about face and retract or change it, then you know you have a conflict that has to be resolved.. in person and fully by discussion. If the people persist, then you need to set a boundary on acceptable behavior and inform them of that boundary. "They way you speak to me is not acceptable. Until you can be civil, please do not speak to me.'

Refuse the drama. This is hard, so, I would STRONGLY recommend that you see a counselor 3-4 visits to have them help you with this. They will provide precise strategies to overcome these situations.
 

archetype

Fiend of Leo's
Ad Free Member
Joined
Jun 4, 2005
Posts
7,928
Location
Western NY
Oh boy, there's so much in this post that hasn't come to light. If you're tied down by others, you always will be, that's just the way it is. It's you who ties the knots not them. If you died tomorrow the people who are holding onto you would have to make other arrangements. If you leave, they will have to make other arrangements. He said, she said, doesn't matter to me at all. I made my mind up a long, long time ago, if I don't like a situation, I move on. Good luck, but until you decide you're going to run your own life, you'll just gravitate from one intolerable situation to the next.

I think this is it ^^^. @cigarman513 I suggest you sell your interest to your brother and father, then get a different gig.

If you leave, you'll just take your world with you because your world is you. Work on discovering and mastering yourself and your world will change. It's hard work, but it's the best investment for a good present and future.

I've seen a similar situation before with someone who tried to escape other troublesome relatives by moving out of state. She didn't work on herself and how she handled relationships. Her life is still difficult, because she didn't change herself.
 

Nogoodnamesleft

Tele-Holic
Silver Supporter
Joined
Aug 19, 2020
Posts
919
Age
51
Location
Canaduh
Setting boundaries is something I learned very late in life. I’ve struggled with family issues for a while. One brother was particularly harsh with me regarding some mental health issues I have. After that I just stopped talking, and so did he. It took years for a half assed apology out of the blue. It wasn’t even a half assed one - more like calling and saying we should move on from it. I don’t wish him any ill will. But I don’t have to put myself in the line of fire for him to feel better either. It’s been a decade of extremely limited contact. It is what it is.

The truth is there’s no obligation to treat family with any more tolerance than other people in our lives. Some situations are simply toxic. And the saying “blood is thicker than water”? The verse that comes from means the opposite of how it’s thrown around in the usual vernacular:

“The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”

Amazing how that has been abbreviated and distorted as the opposite.

In the end, it’s important to do what is healthy for us. Being taken for granted, abused, whatever - nobody has to put up with that crap. I have to keep strong boundaries with my mom too, but that’s a whole other chapter in narcissism and child abuse that I’d rather not get into.

Good luck with everything. Try to remember it’s not your job to fight the impossible battle of fixing people who don’t see a problem with their behaviour. And if you ever need to chat, shoot me a DM.
 

richiek65

Poster Extraordinaire
Joined
Dec 26, 2012
Posts
5,965
Age
57
Location
Sydney NSW Australia
I also "can't complain"... but every time I listen to Henry Rollins speak, I think I've wasted my life and if I'd taken my own path, things would be VERY different.

Ignore the clip's title, this isn't why I posted it



It's a bit lengthy but even if the only thing taken from it is inspiration to follow your own goals, it's worth a look.
 

getbent

Telefied
Gold Supporter
Joined
Mar 2, 2006
Posts
48,014
Location
San Benito County, California
I also "can't complain"... but every time I listen to Henry Rollins speak, I think I've wasted my life and if I'd taken my own path, things would be VERY different.

Ignore the clip's title, this isn't why I posted it



It's a bit lengthy but even if the only thing taken from it is inspiration to follow your own goals, it's worth a look.

you are still alive. do what you can with what time you've got. I think people need to use the 7 year cycle and constantly reinvent and recontextualize how they are moving forward.... go get'em man!
 

Milspec

Poster Extraordinaire
Silver Supporter
Joined
Feb 15, 2016
Posts
7,446
Location
Nebraska
Have them buy you out and move on.

It really is the cleanest way out. Sell off your part of the company and do something else. I think what you will find is that once removed, your relationship with your Father and brother will greatly improve in 6 months to a year. Multiple partnerships often go bad, just too much conflict in that design.
 




Top