Need some advice about moving away, due to family issues

Telenator

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First and foremost, you need to be in charge of your life and not let it be dependent on circumstances. That's what this entire thing is all about in the first place.

When something goes wrong on the job, you take measures to fix it. This is no different. Fix it.

You don't have to run away. You just have to make a decision to rebuff the complaints of those who will only bring you down with them. Just gather up your balls and start living as YOU see fit. You decide who's call you answer, when you'll be there, whether you'll return the incoherent message from a lunatic.

Put some distance on it. Start your own business. It's not like you'll be out of work with the current demand for skilled people.

I have had to do this with friends and family throughout my life. People who don't have anything positive to contribute have no business being in my life, or circles of friends. I also recognize the difference between someone who is having trouble verses someone who is making trouble. I have gone to great lengths to help those who need a little help. Not so for those who are going to keep bringing me back to square one.

And above all, always speak kindly about these people around town, no matter what happens. If it gets ugly, people will always side with the guy who takes the high road and isn't complaining.
 

Toto'sDad

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Isn’t that the crux of his question?
Maybe. He said he had a good life and couldn't complain too. Either he does or he doesn't. It sounds like he might need to put on some travelin' shoes to me. If there are very many people involved in the family business, there probably isn't a whole lot to divide up, if they are already having a cashflow problem.
 

cigarman513

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BTW, you said you were twenty nine years old. At what point do you want to start thinking about having a life of your own?
When you finally sit back and reflect... That's when. I've still had plenty of fun along the way.

Like I said, i guess helping people just runs in the family, my grandpa and dad is and was like it too.. Its not something I ever set out to do or put much thought in.
 

Toto'sDad

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When you finally sit back and reflect... That's when. I've still had plenty of fun along the way.

Like I said, i guess helping people just runs in the family, my grandpa and dad is and was like it too.. Its not something I ever set out to do or put much thought in.
I hope you have, but it sounds like you, like Jacob Marley have a huge pile of chains wrapped around you, that you are dragging through life. I'm not just talking out my rear here, I found myself in a different but equally intolerable situation when I was younger than you are. I changed everything about it, started doing things my way, and have had a very successful, and rewarding life as a result of my decision. I'm going to head out to the golf course here in a few minutes, I sincerely wish you the best.
 

Nightclub Dwight

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Being a care taker is tough. I am for this elderly couple. Started out as just a 18 year old handy man, but they have no kids and since I work for myself and am sorta flexible... I basically became their kid. He has dementia now, she can't speak good english. Thankfully their attorney is involved now to help.. I was not comfortable making big decisions for them and that isn't my place.

Doctors visits, work around the house, groceries, calling twice a day all fine... I had to refuse to helping with with finances. For obvious reasons. So I'm not going anywhere until something happens to them.
You've got a good heart.

I have a few elderly clients, one who is wonderful and I'd do anything for. But there is another, who used to live next door to me, and as she spiraled down I got sucked into her web. The thing is, she has kids of her own, so I had to get her to lean on them instead of me. That was a nightmare, and even though I was resentful of my role, I couldn't abandon her until I managed to wrangle her kids into taking on the role.

Just be sure that you aren't damaging yourself with all this responsibility you have for this couple. You always come first. Make sure you use your brain as much as you use your heart.
 

uriah1

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It’s all about your serenity.
You can’t get bread at a hardware store.
Take care of yourself. They can’t give you what they don’t have.
It’s an acceptance thing.

Wish you well.
 

Old Verle Miller

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Take a few minutes and seriously concentrate on a view of what you want your life to be like in six months, then one, then two, then three years. Fill in the details of the ideal scenario for each period of time. Refine them and memorize them - they'll become your goals.

There's a problem-solving strategy I've used in business for decades: What would it be like without "the problem?" (And "the problem" can't be a person.) Write it down. Be specific but concise; the more detailed the easier it is to break down into doable pieces or tasks.

And remember, life is a work-in-progress, not an event.
 

Masmus

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when I think about this type of situation I think of the line in the song Baker Street "just one more year and then you'll be happy" You are responsible for your happiness not any one else. Stop fighting with your brother, if he isn't going to change then you have to look at yourself and how you respond. Be supportive of other family members but don't turn that into complaining. Most important don't engage in using words that start a confrontation. Realize it's up to you to be the adult and part of that is knowing it's not important if everyone likes you. If the business is being affected you may need to figure out a way of extricating yourself from that like selling your share to both of them. I have a friend who's business partner made a deal behind his back that doomed the company. the partner got greedy and my friend sold him his share while it was still worth something and moved onto something else, One year later the company went bankrupt but at least my friend got something out of it and left before that happened.
 

teletail

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I've been there so what I say is not to be mean, but to help. Until you recognize and accept responsibility for YOUR role in all this, nothing will change. No one drags you into drama, you allow yourself to be dragged into it. That's on you, 100%. They can (and will) try, but only YOU can allow them to.

My parents had an unhealthy dynamic and my siblings would call to complain that mom did this, or dad did that and I'd allow my self to get dragged into it. I finally realized that it was MY fault, no one else's and took 100% responsibility. My solution was to say, "That's their thing, they've been doing it for 50 years and there is nothing we can do to change it, I'm not getting involved and I'm not talking about it." Resistance will be fierce, but remember, you can only change your own behavior, not theirs.

Yea, it's not easy. If it was easy, you wouldn't be posting about it. You need to dig deep, have iron willpower and refuse to allow them to drag you into this mess. Until you understand that and are willing to change YOURSELF, nothing will change.

The good news is that I'm proof that it can be done. Good luck. The other good news is that you can start today.
 

NoTeleBob

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I can't give much advice on the family side. But whether you're forced to cope with it up close, or remotely, remember that you don't have to own it. It doesn't have to occupy your head space or trouble you.

If they want to create drama and problems, those don't have to be yours - except of course when you have to interface with it directly. But even then, don't own it mentally. Look at it as a factual problem/situation to deal with and interface like an engineer, not an unwilling therapist or forced mediator. Don't try to force it to "ideal", accept it for what it is, deal with it, and live your life.
 

dented

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When my siblings and myself were young our parents told us to go out and see the world. When you settle down do it far enough away so we won't see each other every day. That way when we visit we will always be happy to see each other. One of the other things they taught us was to never go into business with friends or relatives. It's just too difficult at times. At your age you need to be happy and strive towards your own goals and set yourself up for life. Best wishes on making excellent decisions.
 

cigarman513

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Thank you all...I know what I have to do.. I hope I don't come across whiny, because i'm not. Overall I'm still happy... It's just who else could I talk to this about except for a bunch of strangers who all love Tele's on the internet.

I might go plug in my Esquire and play some Johnny Cash!
 

David Barnett

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I've thought about it. But my mom got sick when I was 20. Being the youngest, i've stayed home to help out... I've been the one helping everyone all these years. I've made myself available to always be the one to help out.... My brother lives 30 minutes away, my sister has two kids, my mom is sick and my dad is worn out. The buck always has been passed to me i'm the path of least resistance and i'm only 29 and seriously burnt out. Now I sound like i'm talking about two separate issues.

Bottom line if I stay nearby I'll always be the one letting the dogs out while someone goes away, or driving people to airport, or putting in mom and dads air conditioners, moving furniture for people.... I'm glad and more than happy to help i'm getting older now and never have really thought about myself.

My grandpa was the same way. he died when I was 9, but I understand a whole lot about him now, that I don't think others have. Which is why I don't want to make the same mistakes he did.

*Edit* FWIW, I still have an overall real good life. I really can't complain..

"People will always be tempted to wipe their feet on anything with 'WELCOME' written on it."
 

David Barnett

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Never even thought about that. They sorta forced me to become an owner earlier this year. I wanted to straighten out some things and lay some ground work, set some boundaries but nope.

The last check I deposited was from December. I get checks every week but due to cash flow (which there shouldn't be, we are very busy and have a great reputation).... So I have a massive pile, every few weeks I get to put a couple in. That is one thing I wanted to straighten out going forward. But I was the bad one for delaying things.

I think maybe you should have a discussion with a lawyer, just to protect yourself.
 

oregomike

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I've thought about it. But my mom got sick when I was 20. Being the youngest, i've stayed home to help out... I've been the one helping everyone all these years. I've made myself available to always be the one to help out.... My brother lives 30 minutes away, my sister has two kids, my mom is sick and my dad is worn out. The buck always has been passed to me i'm the path of least resistance and i'm only 29 and seriously burnt out. Now I sound like i'm talking about two separate issues.

Bottom line if I stay nearby I'll always be the one letting the dogs out while someone goes away, or driving people to airport, or putting in mom and dads air conditioners, moving furniture for people.... I'm glad and more than happy to help i'm getting older now and never have really thought about myself.

My grandpa was the same way. he died when I was 9, but I understand a whole lot about him now, that I don't think others have. Which is why I don't want to make the same mistakes he did.

*Edit* FWIW, I still have an overall real good life. I really can't complain..
"*Edit* FWIW, I still have an overall real good life. I really can't complain.."

This ^^ really doesn't reconcile with what you've shared.
@Toto'sDad just gave you the best advise you'll get on this forum.
 

cigarman513

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"People will always be tempted to wipe their feet on anything with 'WELCOME' written on it."
You can say that again... I'm glad I've found that out though semi early in life. I'm trying to not be that way anymore. .

I should speak to a lawyer... How about going behind my back and buying a Bobcat while still owing me money... I found out through a friend about the deal.. Me or my brother were not owners then but him and my dad did that while i was owed money. They didn't tell me because they knew how I would react... All I would have said, let's square up and then buy whatever the hell you want. They knew it was wrong and still somehow make me out to be the bad guy there. That is what really started it and I should have left then and there.
 




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