Need some advice about moving away, due to family issues

cigarman513

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I don't post here often. But this is something I can't bring up with family or friends. I love my siblings and parents... I'm part owner of a construction company with dad and bro. Its very clear in the black sheep. I don't want to get into who said what or who did what. There are two sides to every story and it isn't fair for others to judge without hearing both sides. But if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck.... It's a duck. My brother is a trouble maker who needs to get off his high horse and i'm sick of it. My dad is just a train wreck and I refuse to let me go down with him any more than I have.

I need to go.. Unfortunately I'm the sole care taker for an elderly couple. I won't leave until something happens to them and my grandma for that matter.... She's my #1.

Just looking for advice from others who had to get away from family drama. Its something I never thought I would have to deal with. But I do.
 

ale.istotle

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Sounds like a tough situation. My only advice is you don't have to engage in everything on their terms. If one or both start down the path to an argument try to head it off before it goes there. Personally, I don't like to argue so I disengage by telling them I love them and don't want to argue or I know we don't see it the same way, etc. I have no real answers except to be true to yourself. Good luck.
 

cigarman513

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Ignore and don't participate. Very hard to do but if you can't create space it is all that is left. Do they know your feelings? If not can you express them without throwing fuel on the fire? Good luck with this.
I've tried, but It's hard when your dealing with people who say stuff, then deny it.

He made my mom cry on XMAS morning, then denied what he said... then like always says "thats not what i meant, you misunderstood me".
 

Toto'sDad

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Oh boy, there's so much in this post that hasn't come to light. If you're tied down by others, you always will be, that's just the way it is. It's you who ties the knots not them. If you died tomorrow the people who are holding onto you would have to make other arrangements. If you leave, they will have to make other arrangements. He said, she said, doesn't matter to me at all. I made my mind up a long, long time ago, if I don't like a situation, I move on. Good luck, but until you decide you're going to run your own life, you'll just gravitate from one intolerable situation to the next.
 

cigarman513

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Well, maybe move on from working with them. Start your own company or get a job for another. You dont have to move away to get them much more out of your life.
I've thought about it. But my mom got sick when I was 20. Being the youngest, i've stayed home to help out... I've been the one helping everyone all these years. I've made myself available to always be the one to help out.... My brother lives 30 minutes away, my sister has two kids, my mom is sick and my dad is worn out. The buck always has been passed to me i'm the path of least resistance and i'm only 29 and seriously burnt out. Now I sound like i'm talking about two separate issues.

Bottom line if I stay nearby I'll always be the one letting the dogs out while someone goes away, or driving people to airport, or putting in mom and dads air conditioners, moving furniture for people.... I'm glad and more than happy to help i'm getting older now and never have really thought about myself.

My grandpa was the same way. he died when I was 9, but I understand a whole lot about him now, that I don't think others have. Which is why I don't want to make the same mistakes he did.

*Edit* FWIW, I still have an overall real good life. I really can't complain..
 

wulfenganck

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I've tried, but It's hard when your dealing with people who say stuff, then deny it.

He made my mom cry on XMAS morning, then denied what he said... then like always says "thats not what i meant, you misunderstood me".
Well, this type of behaviour is just another reason to get out of that family business ASAP.
Given that your dad is a "trainwreck" - which I translate as no help for running the business: get out!
Take a close look first and calculate how much you have invested/if there are debts that you also will have to pay for/how much a new firm will cost (will you take customers with you or do you have to start from scratch/point zero?). Then decide, if going freelance/build your own business is wirth it or if you have to look for a job.
When that decision is made, look for a meeting with your brother and father and explain them taht you're leaving. The rest will be trying tofigure out, how long you'll continue to finish open busness.
But you need to get out, this whole situation sounds toxic.
 

imwjl

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I don't post here often. But this is something I can't bring up with family or friends. I love my siblings and parents... I'm part owner of a construction company with dad and bro. Its very clear in the black sheep. I don't want to get into who said what or who did what. There are two sides to every story and it isn't fair for others to judge without hearing both sides. But if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck.... It's a duck. My brother is a trouble maker who needs to get off his high horse and i'm sick of it. My dad is just a train wreck and I refuse to let me go down with him any more than I have.

I need to go.. Unfortunately I'm the sole care taker for an elderly couple. I won't leave until something happens to them and my grandma for that matter.... She's my #1.

Just looking for advice from others who had to get away from family drama. Its something I never thought I would have to deal with. But I do.
My suggestions having been in family business, working for one, and a past few years of aging parent, terminal illness and a troubled sibling moving back.....

You need to take the high road even if it hurts. Be aware of cognitive biases because we have our own as challenges and for others, there's not always much you can do about it. You can't really think about what might be fair. What I realized about choices my wife and I made is they at least solved matters and the kids level or layer in this saw we did the right things. Same for people outside the family.

When you discuss matters think about conversations ways that don't add threat or stress. Think about bringing up points in questions vs what can be seen as accusations. This and my other paragraph are in essence trying to address how we have conscious and unconscious thought.

There is good instruction out there on our brains and best using them in the work place. IMO same stuff I learned to help work helped family. Good luck!
 

cigarman513

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Well, this type of behaviour is just another reason to get out of that family business ASAP.
Given that your dad is a "trainwreck" - which I translate as no help for running the business: get out!
Take a close look first and calculate how much you have invested/if there are debts that you also will have to pay for/how much a new firm will cost (will you take customers with you or do you have to start from scratch/point zero?). Then decide, if going freelance/build your own business is wirth it or if you have to look for a job.
When that decision is made, look for a meeting with your brother and father and explain them taht you're leaving. The rest will be trying tofigure out, how long you'll continue to finish open busness.
But you need to get out, this whole situation sounds toxic.
It is and I want a good relationship with everyone. Its a subject I can't bring up with friends or extended family. Even if I had GF or wife, I'd be careful how I worded things.. I don't like talking bad about people or making others look bad. People can make themselves look bad on their own. I know I have.

I've come to the conclusion the best thing to do is just move away, close enough to see them often, but far enough its not a daily thing.
 

imwjl

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Will they buy you out of the business?

I straightened my brother’s behavior real fast with that question…
Anyone with a family and/or family business needs to do family and estate law basics. Not just ask about a buy out but know the incorporation is done within best practices, ownership is defined, and have a succession plan. For the family part have revocable trusts with pour over wills.

For anyone who thinks that stuff is nonsense red tape or too much $ for professionals, understand it will all cost a lot more without that. Costs that are actual money plus mental and time.
 

cigarman513

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Will they buy you out of the business?

I straightened my brother’s behavior real fast with that question…
Never even thought about that. They sorta forced me to become an owner earlier this year. I wanted to straighten out some things and lay some ground work, set some boundaries but nope.

The last check I deposited was from December. I get checks every week but due to cash flow (which there shouldn't be, we are very busy and have a great reputation).... So I have a massive pile, every few weeks I get to put a couple in. That is one thing I wanted to straighten out going forward. But I was the bad one for delaying things.
 

Timbresmith1

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I've thought about it. But my mom got sick when I was 20. Being the youngest, i've stayed home to help out... I've been the one helping everyone all these years. I've made myself available to always be the one to help out.... My brother lives 30 minutes away, my sister has two kids, my mom is sick and my dad is worn out. The buck always has been passed to me i'm the path of least resistance and i'm only 29 and seriously burnt out. Now I sound like i'm talking about two separate issues.

Bottom line if I stay nearby I'll always be the one letting the dogs out while someone goes away, or driving people to airport, or putting in mom and dads air conditioners, moving furniture for people.... I'm glad and more than happy to help i'm getting older now and never have really thought about myself.

My grandpa was the same way. he died when I was 9, but I understand a whole lot about him now, that I don't think others have. Which is why I don't want to make the same mistakes he did.

*Edit* FWIW, I still have an overall real good life. I really can't complain..
You’ll have to start setting limits. This is gonna be tough, but better for you in the long run. Moving away sets you up for feeling guilty later, or taking blame from the others that can’t/won’t chip in.
Start small. You aren’t going to be there at their beck and call. Consolidate- tell them when you are available and for how long. Example: I can help you with household/ yard crap from 12-2 on Saturday. Then stick to it. If they need more, suggest they hire someone.
You can do this. You’ll get your life back.
 

Nightclub Dwight

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Good luck. I had to distance myself from toxic family and it wasn't easy. The business venture makes it even more difficult. In my case, I gave up a lot of money to strike out on my own, but it was worth it.

I've also been the caretaker when my mother was sick and pretty much helpless (she was not the toxic people I refer to above). When she finally died it was a relief. It was a real mess, and I don't know what I'd do different if I had to do it all over again.

In the end, its your life and you have to live it. Give yourself credit and permission to do what you want to do. This is going to involve some tough decisions on your part.
 

mistermikev

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I don't post here often. But this is something I can't bring up with family or friends. I love my siblings and parents... I'm part owner of a construction company with dad and bro. Its very clear in the black sheep. I don't want to get into who said what or who did what. There are two sides to every story and it isn't fair for others to judge without hearing both sides. But if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck.... It's a duck. My brother is a trouble maker who needs to get off his high horse and i'm sick of it. My dad is just a train wreck and I refuse to let me go down with him any more than I have.

I need to go.. Unfortunately I'm the sole care taker for an elderly couple. I won't leave until something happens to them and my grandma for that matter.... She's my #1.

Just looking for advice from others who had to get away from family drama. Its something I never thought I would have to deal with. But I do.
the nice thing about living 2200 miles away from my family is I appreciate them a lot more. Trust me when I say there is nothing anyone can ever do (aside from sleeping with your wife or murder) that would warrant completely cutting anyone off. That is for your benefit. You don't build up that inside yourself. You just deal with those people "at a distance". You don't avoid them, you don't have any hate for them... you just choose to be involved with them as little as possible. To make anything more of it than that - means you have things in yourself that you need to deal with... and that really doesn't have a lot to do with them.
 

Toto'sDad

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I think the only thing that could be worse than working for a family owned business, would be owning part of a family owned business. A family owned business is kind of like living next door to a family with small children too long. Problem is, they grow up, never leave home, all have cars, girlfriends and boom boxes. It just gets worse, never better.
 

cigarman513

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Good luck. I had to distance myself from toxic family and it wasn't easy. The business venture makes it even more difficult. In my case, I gave up a lot of money to strike out on my own, but it was worth it.

I've also been the caretaker when my mother was sick and pretty much helpless (she was not the toxic people I refer to above). When she finally died it was a relief. It was a real mess, and I don't know what I'd do different if I had to do it all over again.

In the end, its your life and you have to live it. Give yourself credit and permission to do what you want to do. This is going to involve some tough decisions on your part.
Being a care taker is tough. I am for this elderly couple. Started out as just a 18 year old handy man, but they have no kids and since I work for myself and am sorta flexible... I basically became their kid. He has dementia now, she can't speak good english. Thankfully their attorney is involved now to help.. I was not comfortable making big decisions for them and that isn't my place.

Doctors visits, work around the house, groceries, calling twice a day all fine... I had to refuse to helping with with finances. For obvious reasons. So I'm not going anywhere until something happens to them.
 




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