Your lyric is economical. No extra words. Every phrase is about the same thing.
If your intention is that the song be an expression of emotion, rather than a story, you have succeeded.
While everyone can identify with loneliness, you could add some words to create a context. Maybe a two-line bridge such as “she said she wouldn’t leave again, but she did and I’m——“ and back to the chorus.
Tons of emotion there with effective dynamics. Excellently painful lyrics, depressing sure, but excellent.
I simply have to comment on one aspect of your playing ... I find it fascinating that you switch the G chord from traditional fingering to thumb fingering, no rhyme nor reason of when you change it up. Thought that was pretty cool.
Sorry I didn't get to this sooner, and you've probably moved beyond, but since you asked…
Your song is well done and complete. Your working in a pretty grand tradition here, like Hank Williams, Johnny Cash and others - but most other writers phrase this as a “me” song, because then the performance becomes more believable. Most people can work up at least a tiny amount of empathy for songs, with similar stories to tell:
Hank Williams - Nobody’s Lonesome For Me
NIN/Johnny Cash version - Hurt
John Prine - Hello In There
I got no real critiques to offer, but maybe some thoughts - not saying you need to change anything, but if some of these thoughts make you think differently, maybe that’s useful. I’m not trying to trivialize anything by mentioning other songs here, just stuff that comes to mind.
I certainly got that it was not about you - and as Captain Obvious would say, it’s right there in the lyrics. Observations about some other person, “you” and it would indeed suck to be that person.
Kind of reminded me of something my mom told me not too long before she passed away: “All my friends have died”. She was ready to go.
So maybe there’s a distinction to be made as to whether this might be someone who is at the end of the ride or someone who has alienated all their friends out of being a David Crosby. It’s not real clear in your song which version we’re looking at - basically all we know is this an unrelentingly friendless sad sack. Ultimately, that’s not a song that people are going to want to hear more than once. I don’t think picking one version over the other would change that (I.e., old person v. David Crosby), but that would be your thought process, not mine.
I brought this up because of this line:
All your fair-weather friends have come to an end
Which literally means that the fair weather friends are all dead. If you meant simply that the friendships have come to an end, that’s something different and would clarify more about the “you” in the song.
Lonely, lonely, lonely. Repeating something three times really drives the point home. The first song that came to mind was Neil Young’s Helpless (with the droning choir, helpless, helpless, helpless).
Which sort of also reminded me of Don Gibson’s song, Oh, Lonesome Me.
Which then of course, Hank, Nobody’s Lonesome For Me, etc.
In your song there is only total bleakness. Life sucks, then you die. Sorry, that kind of story is just not something that many people will put on repeat, no matter how elegantly simple your arrangement might be.
A few things that make some of the other songs mentioned above classics are:
Minuscule dose of humor (Hank’s song)
Personal reference (John Prine) We lost Davey in the Korean War, still don’t know what for…
Some sort of minor chord: your arrangement is a straight up 3 major chord stuff and not a hint of minor; almost every lonesome song obviously features some sort of minor key, but honestly, your song is already pretty tight, IDK.
I’m just kind of rambling here, just trying to offer something useful, but fully aware that none of it may be.
If you’re interested in my approach to songs, here:
Well, why not? Here's a new tune I wrote in the last week or so. Back in the fall, I got invited to a monthly jazz jam, with some wonderful musicians. Why they invited me? Best not to delve too deeply. Just some really solid players, either playing from their own sheet music or from the Real...
But I understand that might not be your flavor, no big deal either way.