My kids can’t stand my good friends’ kid. An ethical dilemma.

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by RevMike, Apr 9, 2018.

  1. RevMike

    RevMike Poster Extraordinaire

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    Hey guys. I’d like to hear your opinions on a situation we are encountering. The wife and I are great friends with a couple who’s son played with my kids. When the kids were smaller “Billy” would come over for play dates with my younger 3 children. He was a little odd, had some minor medical issues and didn’t have many other friends. Because my kids are all inclusive when it comes to other kids Billy loved coming over to play video games and hang out. However as they’ve grown, he was pulled out of school, supposedly “homeschooled” although I surmise all he does is watch tv and play video games all day. He’s approaching 16 and reads on about a 2nd grade level (he’s not learning disabled either) and cannot write, only type. He only eats about 4 or 5 foods. He’s a very delicate and spoiled boy, who whines and makes up lies if he doesn’t get his way. His mother does every for him. Including cutting his food, and mashing up his pills and spoon-feeding them to him in apple sauce. They are also constantly filling his head with ideas that his is this super human being that is strong, talented, smart good looking and charming. As a result, as a teen he’s become conceited and convinced of what a lady’s man he is.

    Now, when he was little it was not a big deal. But now that he’s a teen, I can see that my kids kind of cringe and groan whenever he comes over because they have to get stuck entertaining him. At this point they just can’t stand him anymore and it’s gotten the point where their friends don’t want to come over when they know Billy is around.

    I’ve chatted with his dad a few times over beers about how he wishes his son wasn’t such a pampered baby. I’ve made a few suggestions, but he’s too scared to bring it up to the mom. (She’s the real culprit. Dads just an enabler.) She thinks he’s so delicate that she has to do everything for him. At 15 1/2 they still get a sitter for him when we go out to dinner together.

    I feel like they’re doing the kid an incredible disservice because at this rate he’ll never be able to take care of himself. He’s too lazy to get a job. He’ll never get married. He’s Girls hate him. Boys don’t want him around because he makes the girls uncomfortable. He’ll be living with his mommy for life.

    Now the dilemma. Do I tell the folks that my kids don’t want him around and risk losing our wonderful friends? I think the dad sees it and just is afraid to lose us as friends too. But the mom...won’t understand. I think she’ll get all “my precious baby!!!” And get really mad. What to do?
     
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  2. Bones

    Bones Telefied Ad Free Member

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    I would give your kids permission to not be home when this dolt comes over. It is not their responsibility to further enable him. Your kids shouldn't have to suffer because of your friend's poor parenting.

    Also, not sure how you can maintain them as such great friends when they appear to be lousy parents. My old neighbors are almost identical to your friends and when I moved a few miles away I stopped returning their calls, eventually they stopped calling.
     
  3. CK Dexter Haven

    CK Dexter Haven Friend of Leo's

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    Stop seeing them at your home, do adult things in public places, no kids. If they insist on bringing "Billy" or doing family things you will need to be honest about him making your family uncomfortable.

    I would not suggest a fix or go into your feelings about his future, unless asked directly for such council.
     
  4. JayFreddy

    JayFreddy Poster Extraordinaire

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    The kid is 16. I'd say tell them he's not welcome. If he makes your girls uncomfortable, that's enough.

    He's going to have to figure it out eventually. Since he's not in school you might be the only hope.
     
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  5. noah330

    noah330 Friend of Leo's

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    Hearing you talk about your friend's son I wonder how good a friend you are. I have three children myself (15, 12 and 8) and we've always taught our kids that you accept people for who they are.

    I'm not making excuses for your friend's child, but part of life is dealing with people who are difficult to deal with and also learning to accept people for who they are. I'm not saying your kids should be best buddies with this young man, but if you speak about him the same way you're talking here it's no wonder that they don't like him. Little pitchers have big ears is the saying that comes to mind.

    Now obviously, this kid who has no learning disabilities but reads at the second grade level and takes medication in addition to being home schooled is an easy target for you. It pains me as a parent to read a grown man calling him lazy and basically writing him off as a failure (never get married, won't get a job, girls hate him, etc...).

    Some friend you are. My guess is your kids are perfect.

    I feel sorry for the kid and the parents. Sometimes a little understanding and compassion go a long way. I can't imagine how this child feels.
     
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  6. JayFreddy

    JayFreddy Poster Extraordinaire

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    Sorry, I disagree.

    If he makes my daughter uncomfortable his carte blanche is revoked.

    RevMike has been kind and compassionate for years.

    I think the kind and compassionate thing to do now is to tell the parents that he's not welcome due to his poor manners around the daughters.
     
  7. Grant Austin

    Grant Austin Tele-Meister

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    Part of life is also deciding who to exclude from yours. Just because the person in question is a kid doesn't earn them a pass.

    As painful as it may be to leave friends behind, it can be for everyone's benefit.

    I hope the OP can find a way to keep the relationship with this couple alive.
     
  8. nojazzhere

    nojazzhere Poster Extraordinaire

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    I need more information to form an opinion. What is his medical diagnosis? Has he been evaluated for autism, learning disabilities, etc.? Even with mom's poor parenting skills, this is grossly abnormal behavior from a sixteen year old. While I hate to sound like I'm advocating "shunning" of an emotionally/mentally challenged person, you've got to have your own children's safety and well-being come first. This is precisely the type of boy that CAN (emphasize CAN, MIGHT, POSSIBLY, MAYBE, THEORETICALLY) do something dangerous just out of the blue.
    Use your caller ID and avoid any contact until something (anything) is done to change this situation. As a retired Special Needs teacher, I feel nothing but sympathy for this child, none of this is his own fault....but we live in a world that has unique hazards at times. I will honestly pray that a solution presents itself.
     
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  9. ce24

    ce24 Poster Extraordinaire

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    He's 16.....too late.... The ball is in his court and it will be a massive reality check for him and his parents.... He will be living with them forever...... He's unemployable beyond digging ditches..... Flipping burgers is beyond him... Sad fact!..... Adult only outings away from home as had been suggested is the only way IMHO......GOOD LUCK!
     
  10. tery

    tery Poster Extraordinaire Silver Supporter

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    Family first .
     
  11. RevMike

    RevMike Poster Extraordinaire

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    Never said my kids are perfect. They have their faults like anyone else. I have 4 kids, including one whose disability far exceeds his. She has cerebral palsy but is quite strong and independent. Where this boy is concerned, we don’t speak badly about him in front of them. In fact, my sons have gone to his defense to other kids for him, often when he has instigated trouble with their other friends. At this point they’re just kind of tired of it.

    As for my daughter, she’s been very understanding and supportive too. But as Billy has grown he’s become conceited and demeaning to the girls. (Which is a mystery to me because his dad is not like that at all.) He is often gropy and says inappropriate things to the girls. There’s no reason she or any girl should be subjected to that.

    As far as him being a failure, I never actually said that word but in truth, i feel that if he isn’t allowed to do anything for himself, logically that’s the direction he’s headed. Yes he has some issues. But he has plenty of potential too. And that should be encouraged, not stifled.
     
  12. soulgeezer

    soulgeezer Poster Extraordinaire

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    Not for nothing, but some of the posts here make it sound like we're talking about six year olds having a play date. If I understand correctly, the "child" is 16 (in other words, he'd be tried as an adult). He's a man and if he's making your girls uncomfortable, then he should not be allowed to be around them. Your girls have to come first. If this "kid" is as messed up as you say, then their danger radar may be going off. Listen to them and tell your friends that their son isn't welcome.

    If that means losing the friends, well, that would suck. But, if they're really good friends, they'll understand.

    Edited to add: I just the post immediately preceding this one. "Gropy"? "Demeaning"? You need to keep this time bomb away from your daughter at all costs, friendship with the parents be damned!
     
  13. CK Dexter Haven

    CK Dexter Haven Friend of Leo's

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    I come from a place where openly hostile or even violent behavior towards those who who are different than you and/or hold different beliefs is still acceptable and is practiced by a sizable number of people.

    I choose not to accommodate those small minded often violent people in my life, and feel I have the right to do so. It is not my job to educate or change them,to do so would be exhausting and there are societal mechanisms + formal orgnizations in place working on that, and outside of a direct immediate threat to myself or another I defer to those organizations and processes.

    I see this in the same way, it is one thing to accommodate a quirk, or foible, in another it is another to accommodate abnormal or anti social behavior and those who enable such behavior.

    Everyone has different limits of tolerance on such behaviors, and it is often situational. As long as you are not directly causing harm, you must do what is best for you and yours in a given situation, If caring and compassion can be a element that is all to the good, but that can come in many forms, and must be balanced against the other factors.
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2018
  14. MilwMark

    MilwMark Poster Extraordinaire Ad Free Member

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    I am no longer willing to participate in this thread.

    Deleted my posts.

    I hope they can get taken out of quotes they are in.
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2018
  15. soulgeezer

    soulgeezer Poster Extraordinaire

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    Did you miss this part:

    No, this dude needs to be separated from these girls, do not pass Go! Do not collect $200.

    Or, am I being too judgy?
     
  16. BigDaddyLH

    BigDaddyLH Telefied Ad Free Member

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    A line is crossed right there. That kind of behaviour would bring out the Poppa Bear in me. That kid wouldn't enter my house if my daughters were home.
     
  17. MilwMark

    MilwMark Poster Extraordinaire Ad Free Member

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    ...
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2018
  18. Mike Eskimo

    Mike Eskimo Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

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    "they're wonderful friends"

    How are they wonderful people ?

    The mom's behavior is not Munchausen by proxy - or is it ?

    Dad is an enabler of the mom.


    "Gropy" toward any young lady in my house would earn my face an inch from his saying , in my lowest, calmest voice - "leave now. You have 10 seconds..."
     
  19. soulgeezer

    soulgeezer Poster Extraordinaire

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    You said:

    Above emphasis mine.

    This dude is 16. He'd be tried as an adult in any court of law. He isn't "still cooking" in this case. He's a clear and present danger. That's not passing judgement; it's common sense.

    That's all I'm saying.
     
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  20. MilwMark

    MilwMark Poster Extraordinaire Ad Free Member

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    ...
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2018
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