My friend is losing his mind

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by spurgie79, Nov 30, 2012.

  1. stnmtthw

    stnmtthw Friend of Leo's

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    I know several people like this. One of them is a little older than me (I'm 32, and he's 39 or 40) and he does the exact same thing you described. Goes to work, complains that no one helps him out, then when you help him out you missed something or didn't do it right, and when you tell him to get bent and stop helping him, he's right back to complaining that no one helps him. He does the same thing with women, and then wonders why he can't keep one around. He has kids that don't want to live with him, because of his behavior.

    Its hard to tell where the line between genuine mental illness and just being a jerk is. The best thing your friend could do would be to seek out professional help. The hard truth, though, is that you can't do it for him. If he wants help, he will get it. If not, well... you can't carry the world on your shoulders.
     
  2. stnmtthw

    stnmtthw Friend of Leo's

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    That's the worst idea I've read. Ever. Get yourself in to see a professional NOW. The people that love you don't need another death in the family.
     
  3. eddiewagner

    eddiewagner Poster Extraordinaire

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    I think so too.
     
  4. hannigan

    hannigan Friend of Leo's

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    Could be he is just a private person and wants to be left alone.

    Sounds like he has attachment to negativity, and that is his business unless he asks you for help.

    There are two kinds those that just want to be left alone and those that just will not leave them alone.

    I feel you have good intentions, yet

    we know the road that good intentions pave.
     
  5. DonB52

    DonB52 Tele-Meister

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    I can associate with some of that myself. I found that talking to my primary care doctor got me to a colleague of his who is a psychologist. During the course of talking to the psychologist, I found new angles to view my world from and it improved my ability to deal with my issues. I also have medications to help with my chronic depression. Be a good friend to this person and help with setting up consultations if necessary.
     
  6. spurgie79

    spurgie79 Tele-Afflicted

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    He's not just a private person. I am a pretty private person. Growing up in a small town with gossip everywhere, I don't tell anyone what they don't really need to know and try to lead an uncomplicated life. It's easier that way. As someone else has said, it probably comes from fear. Fear leads to anger and all of that Star Wars jargon. I think he has a real phobia about being accepted and has tried to turn being 'different' into something positive. He doesn't bother me at all. I try not to bother him but we do talk and communicate openly and sometimes (on F/B) he will make some posts that concern me about his mental state and the safety of those around him.

    I know that he has to change his outlook on his own and getting out in society will help him along. I believe the best sermons are lived not preached because we all have probably thought about killing idiot drivers on the free way. Posting about it in an online forum and then ranting about everybody rotting in hell...that concerns me. As of now, I know he won't do it. In another 5 years of this kind of unchecked behavior, who knows?
     
  7. imsilly

    imsilly Friend of Leo's

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    I like threads like this because they make me feel normal.

    OP your friend sounds like a dick, stay clear, don't involve yourself in other people's bull****.

    You can't save anyone who isn't looking to be saved.
     
  8. hemingway

    hemingway Poster Extraordinaire

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    It concerns me that someone in a lousy place is just labelled a dick. Some people are just toxic, it's true. But I would give someone every chance before dismissing them. I hope someone would do the same for me.
     
  9. redstringuitar

    redstringuitar Poster Extraordinaire

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    I'm sorry but that displays a crass lack of empathy and understanding.

    OP clearly doesn't want to turn his back on a mate he goes back a long way with.

    Your "feeling normal" might be more loaded than you think...
     
  10. chrisgblues

    chrisgblues Tele-Afflicted

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    lendryesky - please don't let this happen. I just lost a friend and band-mate earlier this year to suicide...it was terrible. The really sad part is that he kept his issues between himself and his wife...nobody else knew. He didn't reach out for help, and he couldn't stand it anymore. But there is a LOT of help out there...if only he had been open and unashamed with all his friends and family he would have had a large support network...a shoulder to cry on, something to live for.

    But now it's too late for him. IT'S NOT TOO LATE FOR YOU LENDRYESKY.

    Please reach out, to all your family, friends, and a "professional" who knows how to help you deal with your issues.

    You might not think anyone else is going through exactly what you are going through...but with 7 billion people on this planet, somebody HAS, and somebody has come through the other side with hope and happiness. There are people who can help guide you. There is no reason you can't come through the other side as well, but you can't do it alone.

    "Today is where your book begins...the rest is still unwritten."

    Good luck lendryesky.
     
  11. colorado

    colorado Tele-Holic

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    "Therapy, the right medications, eating healthy foods, staying sober, and extreme exercise. Pretty simple really, but these are the keys to solving almost every major problem that people have."

    Didn't you forget NOS tubes and a speaker swap?

    I know that seems like well-meaning advice - but some things are not fixable - just manageable - and sometimes not even that.

    Mental illness especially is often seen as a "pull yourself together" problem. I am dealing with my nother-in-law right now and I have to constantly remind myself that she is not being a jerk on purpose. Even then I slip into "blaming" her - as if she had a choice.

    I've seen people do this with cancer - think positive thoughts, you brought this on yourself with your negativity. Eat healthy. Pancreatic cancer laughs at such sentiments.

    We wouldn't say to a paraplegic - pull yourself together man, eat healthy and you will walk again. But we are OK saying that about mental illness, because, you know, the person is really just being a jerk.
     
  12. Duncas

    Duncas Friend of Leo's

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    +1 well said.
     
  13. imsilly

    imsilly Friend of Leo's

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    Lets face it if he knew how to solve his friends problems or was capable of doing it he wouldn't be here clutching at straws. People love creating drama for themselves. It's pathological, why would you encourage anyone to follow that path?

    Empathy and understanding have their place, but here we just have someone venting about some minor drama in their life. I don't see any harm in being brutally honest and saying this isn't a problem OP has to deal with. Why would you tell someone to get involved in some messy situation they have either no control over or anything to gain from?

    As for feeling normal, don't say that you don't experience schadenfreude. It's perfectly natural and in no way wrong to feel reassured about ones own happiness by the misery of others. You'd have to be stupid not to appreciate what you have faced with the reality of what others didn't.

    Sometimes I feel these forums are turning from a useful music and gear discussion board into some sort of group therapy session. It wouldn't be all that bad if they were genuine problems where people could give genuine solutions, but the kind of soporific boohooing that sometimes goes on is pathetic.
     
  14. redstringuitar

    redstringuitar Poster Extraordinaire

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    Life is full of drama, some are as keen to voice concern when their friends aren't enjoying it as you evidently are to declare your lack thereof.

    Nothing wrong with sounding out for similar experiences, far less worthy discussions take place here and things can also be learned from them.

    OP already is involved to some extent. "Ditch your friend, he's a goner and you shouldn't care" is definitely brutal, but honest? How do you arrive at such a conclusion?

    I also experience the urge to spit at times, but I don't do it during conversations.

    Anyone who benchmarks themselves on the misfortune of others isn't coming from, or going, anywhere good IMO.

    "Just take what you need and leave the rest..."

     
  15. colorado

    colorado Tele-Holic

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    imsilly,

    You're from th UK. You don't understand, Americans think there is a solution to every problem. We think all failings and failures are the result of someone not taking personal responsibility. We feel that all failures are moral failures. We think we got everything we have through our own hard work and moral rectitude. And anyone who is screwed up is that way because they didn't work hard and think right (eat right) (exercise right).

    When we acknowledge a problem that can't be fixed by more consumption, we resort to platitudes and "opening our hearts". If we really feel bad we may even buy a magnetic bumper sticker in the shape of a ribbon (various colors) and put it on our car.

    Alternately, we can go on forums and offer advice on issues that currently stymie the best medical researchers in the world.

    My old roomate had a friend that believed cold showers were a cure all. Maybe that's the guy's problem. He is showering using warm water.
     
  16. sir humphrey

    sir humphrey Friend of Leo's

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    I don't think it's a US thing - I think it's a western thing. We believe that mental security and happiness are the norm, and anyone who falls short of that is a failure.

    We measure success by monetary value and social standing, while at the same time 90% of us are fighting against a personal sense of failure and trying to hide it out of fear of being "exposed" as a loser.

    I've had my share of mental illness - as have at least 30% of the population - probably far more but most would rather say they ****ed their own sister than admit they had self doubt.

    Don't have concern for a friend showing signs of mental illness. Just stay a friend. The best thing any of my friends did to me in my darkest hour - when my brother died and I felt like there was nothing to live for - was to ignore my breakdown and treat me like I was just another mate who needed a good night out.

    My best friend said to me: "Honestly, I don't know what to say to you. I'm useless in emotional situations and I don't have the right thing to say. But Im going to take you to a lap dancing club and we are going to have a good night. If you feel like killing yourself in the morning that's not my problem - my problem is making sure you have the best night of your life."

    You know what, it did the trick.
     
  17. spurgie79

    spurgie79 Tele-Afflicted

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    Ok, I'm not saying that he has a mental disorder. I think his problems are psychological. I'm not sure about schadenfreude. I think if you see how hard someone else has it, you might appreciate what you have more. I don't like seeing people fail. That sounds kind of sick to me.

    What I am saying is what I know, he is insecure. He lets that, on a subconscious level, control him almost to the point of being a shut in. He has no desire to go out and make friends or do anything. He constantly reassures himself about staying home by bashing society at large. What I'm worried about is that our perceptions are our reality and that if this goes on for too long, it will be to the point where he has a mental disorder. (in the psychosomatic kinda way)

    I was down and out a few years ago. I pulled through it by going out and meeting people and doing things and not being all wrapped up in my own misery. I do fall into the catagory that eating healthy, excercising, being active, having hobbies and engaging in society help for a better outlook on life (not as a cure all but on the over all scale) than one who sits on the sidelines, doesn't engage him/her self and just looks down on others in judgement. So, if my buddy who watches the world pass by from his MSN homepage, sees the world going to hell and eats cheeseburgers and plays video games, loses his well paying job, I doubt he'll have much to tether him to reality. Then he really might think that he has nothing to lose and end up hurting someone.

    I'm not a person that believes in saving everyone. Some don't want to be saved, I accept that but on one hand he'll proclaim being an atheist then within 10 minutes talk to his ex-girlfriend about going to church with her and her son and his whole outlook is different. He's happy and optimistic...until he talks himself out of being happy again...

    Some of you have great insights and stories and have been through this kind of thing before. I come here to learn from those of you that have experience that I don't.

    lendryesky: A big +1 on what Chrisgblues said.
     
  18. imsilly

    imsilly Friend of Leo's

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    I have to admit I am definitely closer to the callus side then the touchy-feely side.

    When I have a friend with a problem I wait for them to come to me, or if it's extreme I simply ask them if I can do anything. That is it, I know if it's something I can help with they will approach me or tell me exactly what I can do. For every other problem there are better solutions then sticking my nose in.

    I also feel in this specific situation there probably isn't any immediate or real possibility of harm. Some people just go through bad periods. You can tell Spurgie wants his friend to get better and everyone hates that nagging feeling they could be doing more. It naturally to want to involve yourself, but it won't help right now because they guy is still on the downward spiral. Wait until he reaches out, or nothing will change.
     
  19. 61fury

    61fury Friend of Leo's

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    A good doctor and the right chemicals are your friends. I've had hit or miss with therapy.
     
  20. spurgie79

    spurgie79 Tele-Afflicted

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    Yeah, I'm not the type to stick my nose in other person's business. My stance is to be nice, pay my debts and mind my business. I doubt there is any real harm so lately I've been ignoring him. I am concerned for him and think that he could be a lot happier and more fulfilled with his life than he currently is. For me, I have always found good qualities in others to copy. Not specific role models but specific qualities. Being a role model/mentor and correcting others is part of my job. I don't take it lightly but I also give a lot of leeway and let people figure things out for themselves. I interject if it's necessary and usually only to a minimum. I don't like people critiquing everything I do when they don't fully understand the situation (work with one of those guys, most can't stand him) so I try not to be like that.

    I do think he'll figure it out...eventually....I just hope it's not towards the end of his life. I was lucky in the sense that I always had great mentors and peers that had a good level of discernment, I don't think he had that so his values and judgements are skewwed.
     
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