Moved in with my lady, her kids, and cats...

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by Moriarty, Sep 19, 2020.

  1. Moriarty

    Moriarty Tele-Meister

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    ...and holy crap I am not adjusting well. Neither is my cat.
    I have had some fun with the kids. It's nice to be in a house, not an apartment. It's nice to be with my future wife.
    The troubles are the cats aren't blending well. My kitty, the oldest and the one most used to being alone, established dominance over the younger male cat. He failed to do so with the female. He seems to be afraid of her. So my cat, his food, and his litter box, are holed up in our bedroom, maybe forever.
    As for me, I haven't lived with anyone for 15 years. It's been tough getting used to noise and people needing my attention all the time.
    I know I will learn to cope, and this new life will be far more rewarding than my old one. It's just been a rough month.
     
  2. gimmeatele

    gimmeatele Tele-Holic

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    Give it all time did the same seven years ago after about same time alone, took some settling in and alot of understanding but it worked out.
     
  3. Moriarty

    Moriarty Tele-Meister

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    Thank you
     
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  4. rokasjmusic

    rokasjmusic TDPRI Member

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    Give a book "Rational Male" by Rollo Tomassi a go. Might help
     
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  5. Moriarty

    Moriarty Tele-Meister

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    Thanks. I did some cursory research and decided it doesn't look like it's for me. At the same time, I appreciate input
     
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  6. ricardo1912

    ricardo1912 Tele-Afflicted

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    If it's the right person it's def worth all the difficult adjustments. I moved in with my other half while she still had two teenage lads at home. The younger was, and is, a softie and easy to get along with. The older lad however was full of anger over his parent's divorce years before, wanted exclusive access to his mum and was used to thinking he was the man of the house, even tho he contributed nothing but stress and bad language.

    He and I nearly came to blows and I considered leaving several times. Fifteen years on she and I are still happy and together and he now his own family and is a delight to spend time with. We all just had to learn about each other and work out that not all change is bad.
     
  7. Moriarty

    Moriarty Tele-Meister

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    Thank you. My lady is amazing, and I think she's worth it.
    Her teenager hates me. The boy is indifferent. Her youngest is my little buddy.
     
  8. Digital Larry

    Digital Larry Friend of Leo's Gold Supporter

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    Sounds like you at least have some self awareness. I live in a small house with my wife and kids, been here for 20 years almost. I work from home and can't find a quiet place to work. So every time my wife does anything that makes a sound I have some sort of reaction, which is just the way it is. I need to remind myself sometimes to keep from getting wound up. My cats get along with each other but the male decided recently that peeing on the sofa is a good idea. Sofa's old and we got it used, etc. etc. but man of all the things I wish I didn't have to contend with at this moment!

    Ah... so good luck!
     
  9. Toadtele

    Toadtele Tele-Afflicted

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    I have no advice. But I wish you the best.
    Nothing worth while is easy.
     
  10. brookdalebill

    brookdalebill Tele Axpert Ad Free Member

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    Patience, grasshopper!
    ;):):lol:
     
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  11. telemnemonics

    telemnemonics Telefied Ad Free Member

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    Don’t teenagers hate pretty much everybody?
    I had a moms new boyfriend move in when I was a kid, tough but that’s life.
    You can’t really BE any particular thing to her kids but any good that comes of it is cake if you get some kid friends out of it.

    At work I have my boss with kids and her fiancé that moved in and I talk with the mom and one daughter often plus sometimes the fiancé.
    They manage!

    Then we also have a dad with kids who just married a girl also at work here.
    The girl complains to me all the time about his kids.
    They manage.

    AFAIK you don’t have to measure up or fit in where a dad fit or as a surrogate male mom etc. just be a decent man in the house and that stability will get you all through together IMO.

    CATS!!!
    Herd them cats!
    You’ll get the same problems without any romantic causes.
    Maybe they work it out on their own if together part of the day etc.
    Supervised visits are suggested by cat people!
     
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  12. TeleTown

    TeleTown Friend of Leo's

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    Did the same thing yrs back. Wasn't easy! Hardest part was the kids and her ex-husband. Are we still together? Yes. Would I do it again? F***k NO! Good luck!
     
  13. 24 track

    24 track Doctor of Teleocity Silver Supporter

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    we had gotten a new cat , rosie was queen of the house and a ferral kitten when we got her, then we rescued Jeeva from the SPCA , Jeeva was in a room with some 30 cats and set her boundries as one would in Jail , so we bring Jeeva home , for the initial shock we kept Jeeva in my kids room ( no complaints from my then 12 YR old) 2 weeks later we put both cats together for a cocophany of voacal exchanges . this gave them time to adjust to the new smells and to each others presence.

    Rosie sang her demands and her house rules out to jeeva , Jeeva listened, and during the exchange both were given a treat of some cooked chicken , Jeeva ate her's with out issue , Rosie so content to sing her house rulles hadnt notice Jeeva sneak her paw out in front of rosie and steal the chicken piece intened for the lord and master of the house, they parted company and both went their separate ways , 2 days later they were curled in a ball together on the platform of the scatching post .

    my point is they will figure it out and will make it work give them time space

    as for your presence in the house with the teenager,( boy or Girl ?) give it time and when the time is right make it clear to them that you are not there to replace their father but are only there to make their mom happy , being the target of a teenagers wrath is not easy , we went through this with our adopted kid , and both my wife and I refused to react in any way , it culminated with my wife askin them " If we love you unconditionally and no matter what we will be your mom and Dad , why are setting limits and boundaries for your love?"
    they are now 23 and we are a close family , we start each day saying good morning and we say I love you when we separate , because my last words to them ( my wife and my kid) will never be in anger, no matter what.

    You need to earn their trust and their confidence , this takes quality time , but there is always the feeling from them you are there to take their moms attention away from them and replace the father figure in their lives .

    Not an easy Task, Grasshopper
    best of positive wishes for you , cultivate it well.......

    here is a parental tidbit , it is just as weird for a kid to envision parents having sex as it is for parents envisioning ther kids having sex, be prepared!
     
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  14. jhundt

    jhundt Doctor of Teleocity

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    the BBC did a TV documentary "the secret life of cats". The number one takeaway from that film is: cats don't really like other cats, unless they are from the same cat-family. Some unrelated cats hit it off alright. Most do not. They might ignore each other. But they are both feeling stress that is beyond their control. And that makes them do crazy things, like crapping in the laundry hamper.

    So while you are trying to readjust to family life - and finding it trying - the cats are going through the same thing, without having a reason or a motive, and without any long-term hopes for happiness.

    You should talk to a pet psychologist.
     
  15. tery

    tery Doctor of Teleocity

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    Crank up the volume . The kid will think that you're cool and the cat might run away :)
     
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  16. blowtorch

    blowtorch Telefied Ad Free Member

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    If I'm shackin up with anyone, they best adjust themselves to me- leave that seat UP, replace the beers you drink, and if you play drums or bass that's a huge bonus

    oh and you'd best at least tolerate horror movies

    No takers yet, and that's fine by me :cool:
     
    Last edited: Sep 19, 2020
  17. schmee

    schmee Doctor of Teleocity Silver Supporter

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    Cats sometimes dont get along well for sure. I'm told they need to work it out , even if it involves a fight. That way they work out the dominance thing.
     
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  18. JRapp

    JRapp Tele-Meister

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    My wife (seperated) is a crazy cat/dog lady who had six non-human mammals in my house. Furniture, rugs, shoes destroyed, 2 litter boxes, random pee events, vet bills, cat fights, dog fights, etc etc. Now the only mammal in my happy house is me. Most excellent.
     
  19. Wallaby

    Wallaby Tele-Afflicted Silver Supporter

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    Hopefully spraying will not become part of the new scene...
     
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  20. telemnemonics

    telemnemonics Telefied Ad Free Member

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    When my wife and I started dating (OK shackin up) she not only had to deal with my loud guitar etc etc but also with my ex GF who still shared our apartment.
    She was the third GF who put up with that situation though and we all managed to get along for the most part.

    I mean if you really really want something it’s worth making a few sacrifices.
    Anything not good enough to make sacrifices for is maybe best left alone?
     
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