1. Win a Broadcaster or one of 3 Teles! The annual Supporting Member Giveaway is on. To enter Click Here. To see all the prizes and full details Click Here. To view the thread about the giveaway Click Here.

Messy sitch...advice please.

Discussion in 'Band Wagon' started by oceanman2, Jun 16, 2013.

  1. oceanman2

    oceanman2 Tele-Meister

    Posts:
    301
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2009
    Location:
    Everett
    Ok, so my band for the past six years is in turmoil. The crux of the problem is that my wife of 19 years, one of the lead singers, is having an affair with the bass player. The pain, depression, and anxiety for me have been excruciating, but over the past two months, I've stayed professional and played all of our shows, knowing what's been going on. My wife and I have separated in order to figure out how we want the next few years to go. Initially, I wanted to quit the band, but my wife talked me into staying because the band "really has something great going on."

    Fire them both? Yeah, that and more violent revenge was my first reaction. But they're both great musicians, the band has been pretty successful due to their efforts, and sending the bass player to the hospital wouldn't be difficult or terribly rewarding. And, to complicate matters, I still love my wife and believe we could actually reconcile. We are beginning marriage counseling, but I'm still up in the air about our prospects. We have two young sons, though, and they also persuade me to try hard to save our family, as well as the band.

    My plan is this: we have six gigs booked in the next month, and four more pretty much guaranteed for August. I've got another really good bass player who could learn our material in no time. There's a two week break between the first two gigs and the next four (or eight, counting August). I'm going to ask the lead singer and band leader, who is totally sympathetic to me, to fire the bass player after the next two gigs and bring on the new guy. I'll ask my wife to stay on in the band, both because we need the income and because we have "something great going on." Too vindictive? My friends (and even my wife's family) keep telling me I should really stick it to them. But I don't want to be a dick. I just want some peace in the family/band. What do you think?
     
  2. imwjl

    imwjl Poster Extraordinaire

    Posts:
    9,409
    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2007
    Location:
    My mom's basement.
    You said you have two young kids. That's where your and your wife's efforts need to be, not a band.
     
  3. Jupiter

    Jupiter Telefied Ad Free Member

    Posts:
    25,984
    Joined:
    Jun 22, 2010
    Location:
    Osaka, Japan
    It's your band? Fire that guy. He oughta be expecting it.
     
  4. oceanman2

    oceanman2 Tele-Meister

    Posts:
    301
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2009
    Location:
    Everett
    Yeah, that's true. We're attending to the boys. I posted this more for advice regarding the band, which I love too. Obviously, the kids' well-being is top priority. I just want to figure out if I should consider doing something else.
     
  5. waparker4

    waparker4 Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

    Posts:
    18,996
    Joined:
    Nov 9, 2011
    Location:
    Philadelphia, PA
    Fire him. No sense in keeping him on long term
     
  6. MrCairo46

    MrCairo46 Friend of Leo's Gold Supporter

    Posts:
    3,300
    Joined:
    Jul 17, 2009
    Location:
    Baltimore, Maryland Hon!
    Fire the bass player definitely. However if you and your wife really intend to make it and have the heartfelt desire to make it , you must both seek counseling. I prefer always pastoral counseling , but if a church is not in your plans seek out one both you and your wife can meet with and trust the advice of.
    Counseling ASAP I believe can be the only way to save the marriage otherwise I fear you will both be simply putting off the divorce and living with the stress for a long time friend.
    Hope for the best for you both,
     
  7. barney77

    barney77 Tele-Meister

    Posts:
    448
    Joined:
    Apr 5, 2010
    Location:
    Australia
    First of all, im very sorry for your situation.
    that is very tough.
    And kudos for keeping a level head. It must be hard to do so.

    Is the affair completely off at this point?

    Do you think your wife is completely dedicated to making your marriage work?

    Either way the bass player has to go.
    Nothing good can come of keeping him.

    i agree about the kids needing to be the priority.

    Honestly, all the best in this situation.
    I hope you can get the best outcome possible for your family.
     
  8. RyCo1983

    RyCo1983 Tele-Afflicted

    Posts:
    1,734
    Joined:
    Aug 15, 2012
    Location:
    Central PA
    Fire him and put the band on a hiatus. Family is far more important than music.
     
  9. piece of ash

    piece of ash Friend of Leo's

    Posts:
    3,287
    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2010
    Location:
    Sugar Land, TX
    Get RID of both of them... period. Been there... did this... don't postpone the inevitable. It is torture for all involved.

    Starting an affair, AFTER a separation might be OK. With a business partner? NO, NO, NO

    There are about 3 or 4 BILLION women on the planet, find a different one.

    You get one ride here... don't piss it away.

    Make yourself number 1... kids number 2. You are no good to them walking around with your brains blown out anyway.
     
  10. Ricky D.

    Ricky D. Doctor of Teleocity

    Age:
    70
    Posts:
    11,157
    Joined:
    Oct 22, 2006
    Location:
    Marion, VA
    You say, "... my wife of 19 years, one of the lead singers, is having an affair with the bass player..." As written, you are saying the affair is still going on, right?

    If that's the case, I don't see anything salvageable in the situation. The very least I could see doing is getting them both out of the band. If you don't get them out of your life, you will forfeit the respect of everybody you have left.

    If the affair is over, you still have to dump that bass player ASAP. You'll have no peace in your life if you don't. Don't kid yourself, make the move. He's already punked you once, he'll do it again and again in other ways if you and your wife and him are thrown together.
     
  11. oceanman2

    oceanman2 Tele-Meister

    Posts:
    301
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2009
    Location:
    Everett
    Thanks to all for the straight talk. I kinda figured the verdict would be to can the bass player and possibly the wife, but a reality check with outside perspectives was needed. I'm pretty sure my thinking has been clouded since this whole thing began. To answer a question posed here, the affair is apparently over, but who really knows until there is real separation? I'll keep thinking about it, but will prob let the bassist go and see what the wife does. I appreciate the thoughts and advice.
     
  12. thorton077

    thorton077 Tele-Afflicted

    Posts:
    1,137
    Joined:
    Dec 18, 2011
    Location:
    Frisco, TX
    Fire the bass player, probably divorce the wife too. That really really sucks man. Good luck.
     
  13. Frodebro

    Frodebro Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

    Age:
    51
    Posts:
    16,380
    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2012
    Location:
    Seattle
    Your very first priority through the whole thing has got to be keeping your head together. Unfortunately, that's also the most difficult part. My divorce almost put me over the edge, and I know from experience just how tough situations like this can be.
     
  14. piece of ash

    piece of ash Friend of Leo's

    Posts:
    3,287
    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2010
    Location:
    Sugar Land, TX
    You got a lotta guts spilling this S__T here. Like I said... done this. Hang in there.
     
  15. gpasq

    gpasq Friend of Leo's

    Posts:
    2,692
    Joined:
    Oct 15, 2011
    Location:
    Littleton, CO
    Well, first, get rid of the bass player. He doesn't owe you anything, but he's a douche. Then get rid of the wife. She's a liar and a cheater. Doesn't matter if children are involved, you can raise them on your own with your morals and values, and they will be fine.

    The wife will always be a liar and a cheat.
     
  16. piece of ash

    piece of ash Friend of Leo's

    Posts:
    3,287
    Joined:
    Dec 29, 2010
    Location:
    Sugar Land, TX
    Yes... it is a hard thing to see. A bit like a dog attacking the newspaper you just beat him with. The wife is the issue here...

    My ex tagged me 11 years after the divorce... using my SSN to apply for a house...
     
  17. Teletubbi

    Teletubbi Tele-Holic

    Posts:
    746
    Joined:
    Oct 10, 2012
    Location:
    West
    this x 1,000,000
    reconciliation at this point is a pipe dream. If it hurts to see them you quit the band.
    you can write up and file your own divorce papers unless you want to fight over kids and property and for for less than $500 its done. Get out and move on. Do it now.
     
  18. chesire

    chesire Tele-Afflicted Ad Free Member

    Posts:
    1,743
    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2010
    Location:
    The Ol' Pueblo
    Man, rough situation. My heart goes out to you and your boys.

    I agree that you have to fire this guy and put the band on hiatus. Your wife's leverage to keep the band going, the "great thing... " sounds like manipulation to me. She's trying to normalize the situation to assuage her guilt. That ship has sailed.

    Focus on your family, with or without her, dealing with this guy is just noise you don't need. Be done with it.
     
  19. backporchmusic

    backporchmusic Poster Extraordinaire

    Posts:
    5,069
    Joined:
    Nov 28, 2006
    Location:
    USA
    That is tough.

    I'd fire them both and figure the rest out. I can't let someone do me wrong because they are useful to me in some way.

    But that is me. There are much more understanding and forgiving people than me out there.

    Keep the children at the forefront of other decisions.
     
  20. oceanman2

    oceanman2 Tele-Meister

    Posts:
    301
    Joined:
    Jun 18, 2009
    Location:
    Everett
    Wow, that sucks, man. Sorry to hear it. I know it happens every day, but it doesn't seem real until it happens to you.
     
IMPORTANT: Treat everyone here with respect, no matter how difficult!
No sex, drug, political, religion or hate discussion permitted here.