Marriage worries...

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by NateD81, Feb 20, 2020.

  1. String Tree

    String Tree Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

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    As of Right Now, monitor all of your bank accounts and credit cards.
    Plan for the worst.
    I'm not saying it will happen but, if it does, you need a Plan you can put in to action.

    Hope it doesn't come to that.
     
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  2. Chunkocaster

    Chunkocaster Poster Extraordinaire

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    If cracks start appearing in your 30's it's a good time to asses the foundation and likelihood of a possible divorce in your 50's or 60's which would be much worse. At 39 there is still time to rebuild and prepare for retirement.
     
  3. Chunkocaster

    Chunkocaster Poster Extraordinaire

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    I'm just going by my own experience with about 5 or 6 long term relationships and many short term of a year or two. Breaking all contact when confronted with "The Talk" worked well at gaining back some value in the relationship whereas trying to pander didn't. These days I bail if the trust has been broken or I realise i'm being manipulated via threats or mind games but I don't have kids to consider. I cant think of one woman I have been with that left me and hadn't lined up another guy before finally ending the relationship with me.
    Many of them were before the internet too. Since the internet and social media like facebook etc its just too easy to abandon morals and source a new supply when things get stale in a relationship.
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2020
  4. tele_pathic

    tele_pathic Friend of Leo's

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    A couple things. Just to give my credentials, I’ve been married 26 years. A big number to be sure.

    First, you say she’s in her first year of teaching? Well, as a teacher with 20 years experience, I still remember my student teaching experience and my first year of teaching. It’s that traumatic, dramatic, stressful, crazy, unforgiving, unrelenting, unending, unmanageable. I mean, srsly, it’s the craziest **** you can think of. People who aren’t teachers don’t get that. SO, be mindful of that experience. It may be that she’s just super-crazy stressed out from teaching. ALSO, many, many teachers wash out and quit within five years. IF she’s having those thoughts, if she’s doubting her chosen career that she’s devoted a number of years to studying, that might be fracking with her head. She might be thinking that if she’s doubting her career choice, something “she knew she would love” but actually hates, she might be doubting other areas of her life as well.

    Second, I would NOT get a sitter and take her somewhere alone. I’d take her somewhere where the 4 yo could also go and just have a good time. Low-stress. If y’all like the water and water park type stuff, great wolf lodge is fantastic, especially for a kid that age. Wear him out, then put him down early and y’all can have some time together. I say that because you definitely want to do something to remind her what’s at stake without being overt about it. Remind her of the child. Even if it’s just a “stay-cation” in a hotel for a couple days in the next town over, just find some activities to do with the three of you, YOU push the stroller, you feed most but also let her feed and reconnect with the kid. Go to brunch and then dinner with the kid. Who cares if it’s the fanciest? She may just need to take a break from work and the house. Don’t mention work, don’t mention the new home....as much as possible. If she brings that up, what can you do? You just gotta listen. YOU DON’T HAVE TO OFFER ADVICE. Many woman, most of the time, just want to vent without being interrupted. And without having to endure advice from a man about how to navigate the world as a woman.

    Trust me! I been there.
     
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  5. TelenTubes

    TelenTubes Tele-Holic

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    I get that. I've had three "serious" relationships in the past two years and I've probably had 50 first dates and 25 second dates. A fair amount of those were dates where she was completely head over heels and I wasn't. It happens. There are ways to approach this that aren't sappy or pandering, yet aren't just cutting bait and running - having the discussions in a frank yet gentle manner vs. running out and buying her flowers and apologizing for things he hasn't even done wrong...

    At this stage, we don't know what the OP would be pandering to. Would he be pandering if she was sick and tired of picking up his dirty laundry after working a full day and he made an effort to be more helpful around the house? Not really. Would he be pandering if she was upset because she wasn't driving a Land Rover and he went and bought her one? Yes.

    Just saying, we have no idea, and we're all answering from our experiences. That's not going to be 100% helpful for the OP, although we're all trying to be helpful.

    You may be exactly right. In the end, though, I will err every time on putting in a bit more effort before walking away.

    Our experiences are all different. Who can know?
     
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  6. Chatnoir

    Chatnoir Tele-Afflicted

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    I would suggest counseling. Sometimes talking with an objective listener can help and maybe she's just going through a bout of depression? It's a place to start. The important thing is to keep talking and be willing to really listen to each other.

    Laura
     
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  7. gridlock

    gridlock Friend of Leo's Silver Supporter

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    Yes, keep a close eye on bank accounts, credit cards etc. Total trust is not at reality at this point. For you and your child’s sake, please seek counseling.

    Remember, in a divorce the children and husband usually are hurt the most. The courts still favor the wife. If it comes to a divorce seek split custody, don’t back down. You deserve to be with your child as much as she does.

    Protect yourself, your bank accounts, your favorite possessions, and don’t speak badly about her in front of your child.

    Again, a must do, get counseling, if it doesn’t save the marriage, it will still help you.

    If you do divorce, the world will not end, new adventures, new relationships, and new experiences are yours to be had.

    Keep your head up, keep cool, and protect yourself.
     
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  8. Chunkocaster

    Chunkocaster Poster Extraordinaire

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    Save your money, who needs counselling when you have TDPRI. :)

    You could just print all these replies off and pin them to a board, throw a dart at them and any one it hits will be good advice.

    Thanks to TDPRI I saved a small fortune on doctors visits last year.
     
  9. koen

    koen Friend of Leo's

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    Yeah, you probably get better advice about buying a snowblower.
     
  10. Toto'sDad

    Toto'sDad Telefied Ad Free Member

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    Not throwing this towards the OP at all, but every time I read a post about breakups and such here, I think back on a night of drinkin' with two of my good buds at the time. We were sitting in a little bar, pouring down some shots and beer, and one of my buddies was trying to get onto a crying jag about him and his wife separating. I was busy drinking so I told my pard why don't you talk to Frank about it. Well he turned to the F man, and started relating his problems to him, and old Frankie takes a pull on his beer, and turns to my pard, and says, You know what D, I'm just not the least damned bit interested. Boooooom, reality hit like a ton of bricks! Sometimes things are way more important to you than anyone else you can find to talk to about them.
     
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  11. Toto'sDad

    Toto'sDad Telefied Ad Free Member

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    First off, you gotta make up your mind if you want marital advice, or do you wanna buy a snow blower.
     
  12. Saxdragon

    Saxdragon TDPRI Member

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    First: Try to calm down. Take a few deep breaths and try to clear your mind. As long as you don't have a rival, you can tackle this without getting overly emotional.

    My wife and i have been married for over 33 years, and we're happy to be together. But it wasn't always flowers and crabmeat quiche. We've had many fights and we both had our doubts over time. But we stuck with each other and we're glad we did. Most marriages are like that. It's important to keep talking to each other - without seeming freaked out, angry, or desperate. It sounds like she got a glimpse of a future that might have scared her, but if you stay cool and keep the lines of communication open, i'm betting things will work out, if you both love each other.

    Best wishes.
     
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  13. Chunkocaster

    Chunkocaster Poster Extraordinaire

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    You could try spice the relationship up by having a nice night in drinking premium beer, eating egg and bacon rolls and watching old western movies.
    If it fails at least you got to enjoy the night drinking beer, eating bacon and watching Westerns.

    Just remember to not complain if she burns the bacon or forgets to grab the coldest slab of beer from the back of the store fridge on the way home from work.:)
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2020
  14. 1293

    1293 Poster Extraordinaire

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    Counseling ASAP.
     
  15. william tele

    william tele Doctor of Teleocity Ad Free Member

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    Whatever happens, at least it sounds like you're both level headed people. If marriage doesn't work it's cool to figure out the best alternative. It doesn't hurt any less, but level headed adults can be good friends.

    It helps to smile and treat each other with respect no matter what happens.
     
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  16. telemnemonics

    telemnemonics Telefied Ad Free Member

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    Good luck with whatever happens next!

    The only thing I'll suggest is that IF you look for a couples counselor, the good ones may have a long waiting list and the ones that can give you an appt in the near future might really suck.
    IDK, maybe your area has plenty of good ones with openings.

    Not the only route of course and you may just figure out what's missing and add some of whatever that is...

    I wonder how long the feeling of early romance lasts?
    Does anyone expect that to be the way it always feels?
    A decade isn't a long time but it certainly isn't going to feel like the beginning.
     
  17. 6String69

    6String69 Tele-Holic

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    You need to become the man she married again.
     
  18. ppg677

    ppg677 Tele-Meister

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    I love this idea. Indeed thinking back-- a weekend getaway with both the wife and kid to some place like Great Wolf Lodge-- that indeed reinforced the bond of a young family.
     
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  19. Charlie Bernstein

    Charlie Bernstein Poster Extraordinaire

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    Instead of laying odds, let's say it's up in the air. Maybe she's done, maybe she's undecided.

    Either way, it's true that Nate probably has more good times ahead. But he isn't wrong to just be focusing on the problem at hand.
     
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  20. BigDaddyLH

    BigDaddyLH Tele Axpert Ad Free Member

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    Are you saying the OP has changed? probably, but it was stated in the first post that his wife has changed significantly, too. Humans are moving targets.
     
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