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Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by NateD81, Feb 20, 2020.
Sorry to hear this. Seek professional assistance if not for you both then for you.
This makes complete sense to me. I wouldn't tell anyone. I'd assume that if I told one person, then everyone will quickly find out. And you can never put that genie back in the bottle. She'll be silently viewed as a villain, and there will be an unspoken suspicion that you are somehow defective. Good luck.
I'm very sorry for your trouble, NateD81, I really mean that.
No advise to give, as I've never been married.
When most couples get married, one of their vows is, 'Till death do us part.
It amazes me that to some people, 7, 10 or 20 years fulfills this vow.
Unless there's physical violence, heavy drug use or drinking, Till death do us part means just that.
Otherwise, any husband or wife can give almost any excuse to end a marriage.
I guess I'm just old-fashioned.
I wish you the best in this situation.
Hopefully she'll realize that sometimes you need to learn to "Love what's best for you."
Sure, sometimes the grass looks greener on the other side. But there is a lot to be said for sticking by someone who will be there for you thru thick or thin, sickness or health, good times and bad times.
Having a person like who I described above that you can count on is not to be taken lightly.
Beauty is fleeting, good health is a clock ticking away, hoping that something better is just around the corner is a gamble that should not be taken lightly.
Thanks for taking the step of posting your experience. I've been married for 45 years and am glad for that, but it doesn't mean that it's always been great. Honestly, with human beings (one of them, me) how could it be? I'd describe my experience as about 4 successive marriages, all to the same person. We've come close (real, not being dramatic) to splitting several times. We stuck it out, and never really did anything brilliant about it other than getting through. It got better because it did, not because we did something magical. I work around lots of couples of all ages, and I see a lot. I see many people who just aren't in to the kind of commitment to another person that would lead you to stick together when it's not feeling great. These are fine people who just don't stick with stuff, relationships included. They have the same approach to work, cars -- everything. I don't know you or your wife and so can't offer any informed wisdom. My approach and that of my wife is to stay on it. We do that with all things of importance. We don't let go and we don't give up. I'm not sure that's any better than the other approach I described -- changing when you feel like it, just because you feel like it -- but it's us. I hope you find happiness in whatever develops.
All good advice here. Without trying to offer anything more I would just like to let you know I am sad for you and will keep you in my thought and prayers. Some of us have had rough patches too so we feel your pain. Marriage is tough.
Awww... sorry to hear that. Don't worry Bro Bro. It's time to let it go. It's hard, but you'll get through it, and believe me, you're going to go through some changes, many positive. You'll feel even better than ever before eventually. Trust me.
It's time to become who you really are, on your own.
Ms. Nutz and I have been married 30+ years and have two grown sons ... it has not always been unicorns, rainbows and glitter ... often seemed more like lions and tigers and bears, oh, my, but still we stand ...
I have a marriage-counseling friend who says it 2-3, 7-10 and around 25 years that the chit goes south ... the first because the honeymoon is truly over. the second because of kids and kareers and the last because it's just the two of you again, and you've forgotten (or remembered) who you are ...
Good luck, my friend, as this, too, shall pass ... one of my personal philosophies is that it's life's rollercoaster that keeps it all interesting ... I, for one, don't want to flatline ...
Perhaps you and others on here will toss a brickbat my way for my answer to your plight. From reading your post, it would seem you have separate careers, this is common place today since society has adopted a policy that requires two wage earners to support a certain lifestyle. Your wife is away during the day, and is missing perhaps the greatest years of her life in being absent from her child in his formative years. She may not even be aware of it herself. In families where the woman is a stay at home mom, the years she will cherish most are those of her child rearing years.
I had a short term failed marriage, and one of the greatest problems we had was from my then wife working. When I married again, I didn't make that mistake. My wife was a stay at home wife and raised our children in an admirable fashion. Doing this required that I work hours most of you wouldn't believe if I stated them, but I knew what was important. When our children were grown, at the same time that I did, she went back to school though she was better educated than I was and quickly attained employment, and rose to a department manager. So in a word, she had her cake and ate it too.
The company she worked for closed up a sizeable operation and we would have had to have moved to a new location out of town, and she decided against it, and also decided that being a stay at home wife was a pretty good deal at the same time. The problem with role playing is, it isn't. When you start taking on roles, they become realities of life. Sometimes the less choices you have, the better your life.
Sorry to hear what you are going through. I’ve been there and done that. At the 8-10 year mark of our marriage, we were both having doubts about the future. We agreed to seek counseling through our churches pastor. Best thing we ever did. We just celebrated our 35th anniversary a couple weeks ago.
Just remember, asking for help is not a sign of weakness. I wish you the best and will be praying for you.
So many different opinions on course of action here.
I feel for you, have been there myself...a few times.
My personal opinion is to give her space, and let her figure it out. I could be totally wrong about this, maybe counseling is the answer.
But it doesn't sound to me like she wants an intimate weekend getaway with you. Or even to "talk, talk, talk". I think woman let us know very clearly when they want to talk.
Resist the natural temptation to squeeze tightly in your grasp something that seems to be slipping away. We all know that only speeds up the process.
This may seem totally far out there but if it was me I'd encourage to go explore things if that's what she wants.
Then what do I know, I'm a 56 year old single guy. On the other hand I can say that my ex is one of my best friends.
You will come out the other side of this, and a better person for it. Also consider the possibility that this is actually a blessing.
But...be sure also to sort out your own feelings about her, the marriage, the family, yourself before all this.
First, you want to be able to tell her those feelings if she's ready to or interested in listening.
Second, some of the marriage woes may be due to her not knowing you as well she wants/needs to. Or you not knowing yourself well enough, or your needs in the marriage well enough. She may have needed you to open up more, to truly trust, to more fully engage with her heart, all along. She may have misunderstood a sincere and healthy need of yours incorrectly, as controllingness or belittlement, or your need for period solitude as rejection of her, etc. So you want to be ready to supply your half of the bridge, if bridging can yet be done.
Third, as much as her feelings matter perhaps most right now, the 50/50-ness, turn-taking core of marriage, friendships, etc., means that your needs are as valuable as hers. So you need to be clear about what they are. And she, hopefully sooner rather than later, needs to hear and care about your needs as much as her own. You can't premise respect for her needs on sacrificing or burying your own. That only breeds resentment, eruption, etc. This may very well be her emotional time and "turn"--but yours matters just as much. You want to be ready for the move back to mutuality, when its time comes.
Fourth, talk to some marriage counselors. Or at least one. Go by yourself if you have to. Feel out some trusted friends about people they can recommend. A professional's experienced third-party perspective can do wonders to GPS the traffic jam. To them, there's no pain, problem, or improvement that's new under the sun, and you need perspective right now. When you go, be brutally honest. There's no shame in any genuine emotion, and you don't want to make a counselor think you're b.s.'ing them or yourself by holding back or putting a nice spin on things. And when it's the right time, suggest to your wife that you two go together. Put it in terms of getting perspective and advice, on getting mutual support, not in terms of someone taking sides.
The two happiest marriages I've known--30 and 36 years, respectively, and going strong--required a few rounds of marriage counseling along the way.
Best wishes to you during this tough time, with hopes for happier days.
Don’t marry anybody at 23.
If I was king ?
Federal law : men couldn’t marry until either 30 or 32, women 27-ish.
You’re a completely different person from your early 20’s to your late 20’s /early 30’s.
And you’re supposed to be.
Anyway, that cow’s outta the barn, sorry for your travail and all the best to you.
You mentioned the word 'confused' - was that her word? 'Confused' in woman-talk is code for them having feelings for someone else. All the advice to be alone with her and talk it out is the way to go. But if it turns out that there is another - fight (not necessarily physically) for your family. Sometimes these 'things' are just phases and a wake-up call for all involved is what's needed.
A Hispanic friend of mine, and you must be first cousins. He once stated this pearl of wisdom to me. You know what ese? They oughta keep all the boy cows in one pen, and all the girls cows in another pen, and not let 'em out until they are thirty years old!
This is actually the best advice I've read here. The abbreviated version is to be a man. Take care of yourself first, so you are equipped to take care of the things you care about. Don't ignore her feelings/comments but also make it obvious that you will be fine either way. And make sure you will be fine either way.
Get yourself in physical and mental shape if you aren't. Exercise, eat right, get plenty of sleep.
Bring order to your life if it isn't already there. Take control of your finances, make social goals and meet them, establish specific domestic tasks and meet your obligations
Pick an area in your life where you want to improve, and do so.
Figure out the things you care about and pursue them (in a healthy way).
Embrace independence not selfishness. Walk tall.
The so-called "seven year itch" is a real thing. Women arrive at a junction in their life where they think the clock is running out on their ability to trade up to a better partner. All the counseling in the world won't turn that massive ship around, if that's what she's experiencing. (not to say counseling isn't a good thing, but if there is no desire from both partners to stay married, its just a futile and expensive exercise.)
So use this as an opportunity to become a better version of you, a version of you that you want to be. If she stays then that's a bonus. If she leaves, then you are left to navigate the world with someone you like and respect.
I confess I haven't read the whole thread but.....just a thought.....a four year old and just started a pretty stressful job....any possibility there is a touch of PND going on?....my wife hid it until our second came along about three yrs after the first.....its much more common than people think....also incredibly difficult....but we're 18yrs now with three kids who are much more stable than their parents because although it took a while and needed professional help it all came good.....if she talked to you because she wanted to be honest you need to ask her this and get you both to a professional....
Men do the same thing.
Rilke wrote a lot about relationships and how they need to develop
If she feels she heard the same record 1000 times, you can change it up and reinvent the relationship
I'm curious, what grades do you teach and what grades does your wife teach? are you at the same school?