Marriage worries...

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by NateD81, Feb 20, 2020.

  1. spikypaddy

    spikypaddy Tele-Afflicted

    May 20, 2010
    Devon, UK
    Don't worry about using the forums as somewhere to blow off steam - it's a great community here and from my own experience I know how helpful just a few words from a stranger on a forum can be.

    I can't claim to have any great experience, but my missus and me have been together 16 years this year, married for 5 and our little boy turns 5 this year. We've been through some tough times and things have come pretty close to ending on a few occasions, but we're still here hanging on. We fall out from time to time - disagreeing about the best way to approach parenting issues or because we're stressed and busy or because of anxiety issues (we both suffer). But the key thing is talking and listening. Most of the serious problems we've gone through have been caused by me keeping problems to myself or trying to deal with stuff on my own. I've finally realised that and begun to share the burden a bit more, which has definitely helped.

    However, we still have some tough times and it can be hard work keeping things going. We both work, I'm also studying for a degree, Mrs Paddy is on multiple committees, plus of course we have our little dude, too. We probably don't make anywhere near enough time for each other at the moment, but we are trying to make time for ourselves individually - I'll meet the guys for a beer a couple of times a month, I've been making a concerted effort to spend more time playing guitar. The wife plays netball, she catches up with the girls, we both go to gigs from time to time. It's not resolved everything - and we do need to learn to make more time for us as a couple - but it helps.

    If she's voiced doubts, then talking and listening is a great starting point. I can't comment about counselling - I've got no experience of it myself, but it could very well be an avenue worth investigating. I wish you all the best and I hope you come out the other side stronger than ever.
    tubedood likes this.
  2. Octorfunk

    Octorfunk Tele-Meister

    Jan 20, 2014
    +1000 on counseling

    I'm in a good marriage of 15yrs and we've been involved in counseling multiple times. It's always been helpful to get outside perspective, and a counselor can say some of those difficult things that your spouse won't want to hear coming from you.

    Marriage and love are all about commitment, and going through a boring/stressful stretch doesn't have to sink a marriage.

    And I get the first-year-teacher thing, if she's a classroom teacher that first year is super difficult and time-consuming.
    bender66 likes this.
  3. uriah1

    uriah1 Telefied Gold Supporter

    Feb 12, 2011
    + Counseling /
  4. fasteddie42

    fasteddie42 Tele-Afflicted

    Dec 10, 2016
    Tip of the Mitt
    I wont name names, but be careful of this subject on tdpri.

    There are some hard core resident woman haters on here that can't sperate their own experiences from others and will gladly drag you down to their level. I would caution you to not slip into a incel or mgtow pit if angst.. Despite what they'll try to sell you on, those communities are toxic and chalk full of wounded bitter little boys. (Que an imitate dog pile of "you're whipped!!!" Lol :rolleyes:)

    That's not to say that it will or wont work out, rather that life will go on however it does end up.

    Face it head on and stay strong.

    I'm sorry that you're have a rough go at it and I'll good vibes your ways.
  5. jvin248

    jvin248 Poster Extraordinaire

    Apr 18, 2014
    Lions & Tigers oh Mi !

    House hunting and moving are in the same stress level as a death in the family and changing jobs.
    We still haven't come out of the winter darkness and depression into the hopeful spring weather.

    Counseling for both of you

    You need to get education into how things can go against you. It may not but you'll need to understand what you could be up against.

    Wives tend to listen to exactly what their attorney tells them to do, even if they just want to split easy, the attorney will convince them to dig in and use the tricks. Husbands typically roll over because they are trying to split easy. Husband ends up living in an efficiency apartment for decades driving a rusty car and are thus not a catch for the next girlfriend.

    Watch youtube videos of how guys end up on the short side of divorce, seeing kids on the weekends or never, unending cash payments, courts favor the ex-wives.
    Seek out an attorney who specializes in the husband's situation.
    The only winners are the lawyers.
    Oh, and get ready to downsize to one or no guitars.
    Now that you are prepared.

    Take the wife on some weekly dates. That may be most of the problem. Feeling neglected as everything piles up and the kid gets more independent.
    Do not add any kids.

    Search the forums here and TGP for similar situations and recommendations.

    Last edited: Feb 20, 2020
    sjwieczorkow likes this.
  6. imwjl

    imwjl Poster Extraordinaire

    Mar 21, 2007
    My mom's basement.
    Good luck. I have no advice except to say with kids, our work to keep an intact family has been very important. Obviously important for the kids but but it sure helped and helps me with making better decisions.
  7. LunarSlingShot

    LunarSlingShot Tele-Holic

    Jun 14, 2018
    Wouldn't you like to know
    OP, I would listen to this above all else. GetBent's advice is the best someone could give for your situation.

    Do your best to listen and don't try to fix the problems as they are coming out of her mouth (my worst fault). Sometimes they just need you to listen.
    bender66, gwjensen and Mike Eskimo like this.
  8. Chunkocaster

    Chunkocaster Poster Extraordinaire

    Aug 10, 2018
    In space with Ziggy
    The courts are pretty messed up these days and very one sided in these situations nearly always favouring the woman. I wonder what they would do if a guy chose to identify as a woman before a trial. It might increase the odds of an even split. The media coverage could really throw a spanner in the works when to comes to dating after the split though.
  9. RadioFM74

    RadioFM74 Friend of Leo's

    Apr 10, 2015
    Italy and Switzerland
    Hi @NateD81 , lots of advice, some great, some …er… quite obviously from men who are not inclined to having and keeping long relationships… TAKE EVERYTHING YOU READ ON HERE WITH A LIBERAL DOSE OF SALT, MAN. YOU DON’T KNOW US PERSONALLY, AND WE DON’T KNOW YOUR SITUATION!


    I feel so much for you and if I were in your shoes I’d be shaken right down to my foundations.

    If, as I understand, you’re out to save your marriage, you have to reopen deep communication with her. Best advice so far is “hear her out”. Create the opportunity so you can give her your undivided attention, and let her know NOW that she has your undivided attention. But have a care: it can be really hard to be criticized and blamed (which, inevitably, will happen else you would not have the problem) and it's easy to snap in defensive position, especially if you have not been used to talking like this. This would be disastrous. Don’t let this become a finger-pointing exercise. Be ready to see your own faults, and let her see that you are ready to do whatever it takes to improve things between the two of you. If you don’t think you can handle it safely, yes having counseling already now would be the wises course. But if you think you can listen to her, no matter how hard, and keep it a civil or better still a loving conversation, that would be infinitely better.

    Planning ahead of this is, from what I understand, premature. You don’t know exactly what’s going on, you don’t know how deep it goes, you don’t know whether you’ll need professional support going forward… You’ll know, probably, once you two have talked.

    I think it’s good that you’re not talking about this with friends and family. But being completely alone to face this might be too much. If you have a person whom you trust entirely, and who can give you good advice (or just share the pain and anxiety with you) while you and your wife are working this out, it will be a good thing for you.

    I hope it will be OK, and that your family will emerge stronger and even more united after this. This COULD be the outcome!
    EsquireBoy likes this.
  10. blowtorch

    blowtorch Telefied Ad Free Member

    May 2, 2003
    It's been my experience with band members that if they talk about quitting, you can figure they've already mentally done so, and it's just a matter of time until they physically do.

    I hope you can work things out, especially being that you have a child.

    How people can be so selfish, when there are children involved, is just beyond me. They justify it by saying that kids should not have to grow up surrounded by a toxic relationship. Well, that's true, but forcing them to grow up in a broken home isn't the only option
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2020
    Marquee Moon, Pualee and Mike Eskimo like this.
  11. stormsedge

    stormsedge Tele-Afflicted Gold Supporter

    Jun 5, 2012
    Tennessee, USA
    I do not know you or your situation. Just like every dog, every marriage has its day and its bumps. Here are some things that worked for us over 42 years:

    It is not just "her".
    Remember the things about each other that originally attracted you and eventually led you to love/marriage.
    Loadshed all the internet and media crap that takes up your time and pollutes your thoughts.
    Focus on the great things about each other.
    Intimacy...find common ground.
    Sex...with each other...find enough common ground to have sex three or four times a week (scoff, but this works)
    Take dance classes together.
    Go to the gym together, do not have to do the same workouts.
    Go to church together and join a small group together.
    Date nights...see above.
    Fiscal stability...take the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace or similar course is amazing the pressure taken off a marriage when both understand and participate in the finances.
    Sex...I may have mentioned this before...
    Learn some love songs on your guitar...sing them and play the a lot...drop the leaving me and she's driving me crazy songs.
    Prescription drugs...what are each of you taking? Is there a side effect?
    Non-prescription/self-medication...alcohol, drugs, porn, and late night idiot TV take an amazing toll on intimacy.
    Three-five-ten year, and retirement plans...make them now and plan how they will be funded.
    Counseling...together and separate.
    Loadshed bad influences and bad habits that bug the other person.
    If one has a "bad day", it is the responsibility of the other to be upbeat and lift the partner up.
    You do not save your marriage for your make it work because it is better than any of the shiny options society thinks is better.

    Marriage is a joint effort. Make it work jointly. Prayers.
  12. ppg677

    ppg677 Tele-Meister

    Oct 16, 2018
    This happens. There's a good chance you will navigate through just fine.

    - Listen

    - Get a babysitter and have some date nights

    - Ask her what she needs and try to accommodate.

    - Ask her to have some patience and to try to work things out for the sake of your child and because you love her.

    - Don't press her too hard. Try not to get angry or frustrated.

    Don't listen to the people here who say "divorce now" and etc
  13. Wallo Tweed

    Wallo Tweed Friend of Leo's

    Dec 6, 2011
    Penns Wood
    We're coming up on our 46th anniversary, but how we did it, I have no idea.

    Sometimes when we tell people how long we've been together they look at us like we're a couple freaks, maybe we are. But we enjoy each others company.

    I have no advice for you, but I wanted to say that I wish you both the best.
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2020
    EJG1 and stormsedge like this.
  14. rarebreed

    rarebreed Tele-Holic

    Jul 26, 2010
    Sorry to hear. I'll tell you this, I've been through a divorce , and I wouldn't wish it on anybody. I'm happily married now to a great girl and have been for the last 28 years, but I have feelings of remorse from time to time for not doing enough to save my marriage to my first wife. You say she's being honest about her feelings, so there has to be something causing her to have these feelings. If she cares for you at all, then she needs to be completely honest with you and explain why she's feeling the way she does. If you truly love her then do whatever it takes to save the marriage.
    stormsedge likes this.
  15. Gardo

    Gardo Tele-Holic

    Dec 3, 2019
    Lancaster Pa
    Two thoughts I'll throw in.
    First The ancient book of wisdom says "where there is no vision the people perish" Do you have goals that you both share,something you work for together ?
    Second , many relationship problems are caused by selfish behaviour in one or both persons.
    One of my friends nearly lost his wife this way. He was so busy with his job, his friends, and working out at his gym that he was neglecting her. Someone came along and told her everything she wanted to here. One thing led to another ....
    They worked it out and learned from it.
  16. Lawdawg

    Lawdawg Tele-Afflicted

    Mar 13, 2018
    Don't have much to add (been married 16 years) to what others have said. Marriages, even the strongest ones, have ebbs and flows because at the end of the day we're all just humans.

    Definitely keep at it, maybe try counseling, and listen to what she's going through. One thing that occurs to me, and obviously I have no insight into the particulars of your marriage, is that she was only 23 when you got married and presumably a bit younger when you started your relationship. You would have been 29(?) when you got married, and while a 6 year difference doesn't mean anything in your 40s and 50s, there's a lot of change that happens between 23 - 29. I guess none of us is ever really fully baked, but at 23 the dough's barely risen (sorry for my bad bread analogy). Obviously this may or may not be relevant, and you can't go back in time, but it may help explain what your wife is going through.

    I wish you and your wife the best, and hope you can work through this difficult time. Stay strong brother.
  17. 8barlouie

    8barlouie Friend of Leo's Silver Supporter

    May 9, 2015
    Southeast Massachusetts
    I’ve been married for 32 years this May. We have been through the doubts and trials about 37 times. As time goes on, the doubts come fewer and farther between. It takes work to make a marriage work. I’m not sorry for all the effort it has taken to keep our marriage together all these years. She’s my best friend. That has never once changed.

    Over time, as you overcome rough seas in your marriage, the process creates a galvanizing effect. Your relationship becomes stronger. You actually become more in love. You better not put me down because my wife will rip your lungs out. She’s not an imposing physical specimen by any stretch, but cross me, and you’ll have yourself a tiger by the tail. Same holds true for her. We are a team.

    Don’t be disheartened because she expressed doubt about the marriage. My feeling is that this is a golden opportunity to make your relationship be stronger. How you deal with it will be key as to your marital futures. If you really love each other, keep in mind that love will find a way. IMO, so many marriages fail because both sides have unrealistic expectations of how it’s supposed to work. It ain’t easy. Nothing worth having is easy. Stay cool, be careful not to do or say anything irrational or hurtful. Keep talking and working on it. Relish the fun times and use the tough times to add more protective layers until you get to the point where your relationship will withstand a nuclear blast. It can happen.
    EJG1, EsquireBoy and Lawdawg like this.
  18. Pualee

    Pualee Tele-Holic

    Feb 5, 2014
    You gotta fight for it (your marriage, not your assets). Start studying your spouse, like you did when you were dating. Find what makes her happy. Maybe she is bored, maybe you guys have 'agreed' not to spend money on gifts for each other. Maybe you aren't spending time together. Figure all that out and pursue your marriage like you did when you were dating.

    You have a lot of common ground - a kid, time together, family. Go together to your family on both sides and ask for support (together, not individually). Find a marriage counselor who can help you work out this stage in your life.

    Feelings come and go, but love is hard work. It is serving and caring. One day she is the one 'having doubts' and then next it is you. You both have to work to support the other when he/she is down. Down on the marriage is no different than down at work, or down emotionally. It is a phase to work through together. That is why you got married - to have someone there for you.

    Make marriage fun again. Go on some dates. That family you didn't want to involve? I bet they would give you child care to go on that date again. Love your wife, don't give up...

    Loving your wife, when she is 'having doubts' is also loving your child. Your child will need you together to have the best opportunities at life.

    I'd start by telling your wife that you thought about what she said seriously, that you are grateful for her honestly, and that you want to go out together Friday night. Then plan something nice, even if it is just dinner and a walk in the park. Spend time together sharing why there are doubts, what her ambitions are, and how you can support her. Do the same in reverse. She deserves to know you are there for her, how she can help you, and why you appreciate her. She needs to feel special again.

    Id recommend this book too, easy to find: "The Five Love Languages". To paraphrase:
    1. give gifts - even small ones count
    2. words of affirmation
    3. spend quality time
    4. acts of service
    5. physical touch - holding hands, a hug

    You need to connect so she feels loved. As a hint, her love language is probably the one that she most easily expresses to you.

    Invest yourself in the marriage, don't passively 'hope it all works out'. Do the work!

    You can PM me if you want to talk.
    dougstrum and TelenTubes like this.
  19. Apache Snow

    Apache Snow Tele-Meister

    Oct 18, 2019
    gone fishing
    Marriage is the leading cause of divorce. Sorry. This last time I found the right one. She is not a drama queen. She has her faults but they are not big ones. She doesn't b!tch about my motorcycle or my 6 guitars and amps. We have separate banking accounts, always have. I can buy what I want as long as I can afford it and so can she. The bills are divided up equally. We have been happy together for 35 years.

    Be careful. While you are busy saving the marriage, she will be busy taking you to the cleaners.
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2020
  20. SnidelyWhiplash

    SnidelyWhiplash Friend of Leo's

    Jun 18, 2009
    Hoggtown, KY.
    Cut bait & RUN! If she considers leaving once, chances are she'll do so again.

    Women are more finicky than Morris...
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2020
    sjwieczorkow, Patton and Chunkocaster like this.
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