Marriage worries...

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by NateD81, Feb 20, 2020.

  1. EsquireBoy

    EsquireBoy Tele-Afflicted

    Age:
    39
    Posts:
    1,219
    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2019
    Location:
    Paris, France
    @NateD81 You are not alone on that. Reading your post I even felt a bit strange: My wife and I have been a couple for a decade, she’s 32 and I’m 39, like you I’m a teacher and we have a four-year-old... And like you, our couple is going through a challenging period, except it’s me having more doubts.
    That being said, every relationship is different, but beyond the various and personal mutual criticism, raising a child can be most challenging for the couple itself, as well as for each one of you. Especially between 3 and 5, children try to push the limits, and they need to feel they are at the center. Raising them is a beautiful thing, but it can compromise the balance you had found in your relationship, and sometimes even in your personal life as a whole.

    Talk, talk and talk again with your wife, with your kid, and as a family. Being open is key.
    But try and keep more time for your couple alone, to remember indeed why you started this relationship.

    I wish you the best, sincerely.
     
  2. joebloggs13

    joebloggs13 Tele-Afflicted

    Posts:
    1,066
    Joined:
    Jun 14, 2017
    Location:
    The Woodshed
    Thoughts and prayers sent. Relationships have their ups and downs and are like most things in life. You put in the work and you will reap the rewards. If something is worth it, then it's worth fighting for. Stay true to yourself. Hope the both of you can find happiness again. :)
     
  3. Slowpoke

    Slowpoke Tele-Afflicted

    Age:
    82
    Posts:
    1,201
    Joined:
    Dec 3, 2011
    Location:
    Mandurah. West Australia
    I've been married to the same lady for 59 years and you both have to work for a happy marriage. There'll be good times and there'll be bad times and you both need to work at sorting them out. I just hope you and your wife has the strength to win out. You'll be in my thoughts NateD81.. S
     
  4. bgmacaw

    bgmacaw Friend of Leo's

    Posts:
    3,898
    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2006
    Location:
    Near Athens GA USA
     
    Harry Styron likes this.
  5. dan1952

    dan1952 Friend of Leo's

    Age:
    67
    Posts:
    4,455
    Joined:
    Jun 24, 2004
    Location:
    Anderson, IN
    Having been married for 32 years, but with two previous marriages that ended in divorce, here is my 2 cents:
    Anyone who doesn't want to be with me, I would rather see leave. There is nothing I can do to change her mind. Period. The only person I can control is me, and at that point the change will be: I am now single, and taking care of myself and the little boy is all I'm doing.
    See ya later, honey...
     
  6. ArcticWhite

    ArcticWhite Tele-Holic

    Posts:
    829
    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2009
    Location:
    Portland Oregon
    I'm going to suggest you go out with a close buddy and get drunk. Don't try to manage this alone.

    If you have been the sort of guy who never goes out without your woman, start now. Do more independent stuff. Women are attracted to guys who do interesting stuff. Be an interesting guy. If you're in a band, go play. Gig if possible.
    Buy a new shirt and some cologne. Wear it.

    Take your boy out hiking, and to lunch or dinner after. Take him to go look at trains or boats. Encourage your wife to go out with the girls on Friday night, or whenever she wants. Don't cling.

    Take care of yourself and your boy. Focus on you, not your wife.

    Avoid marriage counseling as it is expensive, painful, and there is absolutely no proof that it is effective in any way. Anecdotes? Sure. But no statistical proof. I believe it is worse than nothing.

    There are a few decent books you could read.

    The Five Love Languages
    -Book by Gary Chapman

    Men are from Mars women are from Venus

    -Book by John Gray

    I got blindsided after 16 years of marriage, and like you, it thought everything was fine leading up to it.

    90 percent of marriages are ended by women.

    Be well.
    AW
     
  7. Whoa Tele

    Whoa Tele Friend of Leo's

    Posts:
    2,267
    Joined:
    Mar 20, 2009
    Location:
    Smyrna Ga.
    Sending prayers for wisdom and peace and reconciliation as you go through this hard time. I'm in education as well and we all know how stressful the job can be at times. I agree with others who have suggested that you take some time for yourselves and she can go into more detail about how she's feeling.
     
  8. Tonetele

    Tonetele Poster Extraordinaire

    Posts:
    7,198
    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2009
    Location:
    South Australia
    @NateD81 At least your wife is talking.
    That's a good sign.
    I believe I was a good husband and provider. Bought two homes, took my wife on annual overseas holidays, helped with bringing up two boys.Only drank once a week- Fridays.
    She had a horrible menopause, including surgery, became violent towards me, swore ( Cussed) and hit me frequently. Then one day I came home to a son who told me my wife of 30 years had left.
    Your wife is talking which, I believe , is being honest and maybe she wants your input. You have been given a sign that marriage/life aint easy. Use this to opportunity to help both of you.
    Divorce, lawyers and property settlement is certainly no fun , except for the lawyers ( often they work together to minimize their time and costs and yet still maximize their profits).
    Take this opportunity to TALK to your wife and I sincerely hope you can work things out.
     
  9. Bristlehound

    Bristlehound Friend of Leo's

    Age:
    59
    Posts:
    3,170
    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2017
    Location:
    Wales
    All the best. Every circumstance is different... but talking it through is the only way you're both going to get out on the other side in one piece.

    My wife and I have just agreed to separate after 30 years of marriage... we've both become different people and grown apart rather than grown in the same direction. It happens. We're being very civil and mature about it.

    Don't hang on to a bad marriage if it's not working... but give it a chance if possible. Don't bale out at the first sign of trouble.

    EDIT: p.s. Impending divorce really cures your GAS!!!
     
    Chunkocaster likes this.
  10. tubelectron

    tubelectron Tele-Afflicted

    Posts:
    1,095
    Joined:
    Nov 25, 2010
    Location:
    France
    That's normal @NateD81 . It arises time to time. La vie n'est pas un long fleuve tranquille, hélas...

    My wife and I met when we were 20, and we are still together 36 years and two childs later. We have fronted hard times alltogether, we have repeatedly disagreed for this or that (and it's not finished :rolleyes: !): no matter, we are still there. Maybe we have become fusional over time, implicitly supporting each other all along the route?

    Nobody is perfect : we both know this now, and after all, this is not so bad at all... But yes, it took time to be persuaded of this for us !

    I repeat myself : that's normal, nothing surprising ! ;)

    Get close to your wife and talk about it, in all simplicity, like we did numerous times my wife and I... :cool:

    My best wishes ! :)

    -tbln
     
  11. maxvintage

    maxvintage Friend of Leo's

    Age:
    60
    Posts:
    4,677
    Joined:
    Mar 16, 2003
    Location:
    Arlington, VA
    Listen hard to what she's saying, try not to persuade her of anything, but listen hard. Divorce is tough when you have a child. Custody issues, co-parenting: it can be a huge source of stress and trouble for the rest of your life. Holidays, family events, who goes to what, whose family? That stuff is wrenching. And that's not even considering what it does to the child.

    I would recommend some form of counseling for both of you. She's taking the decent path by being honest
     
  12. psykobilly

    psykobilly Tele-Meister

    Posts:
    338
    Joined:
    Apr 21, 2004
    Location:
    Paragould AR
    My wife and I went through the same thing at about the same time. I agree more with those who have suggested counseling. We went to an awesome counselor and he helped us get through it. We are now going on 29 and while we have had to go back occasionally for a “tune up”, we have made it, raised three wonderful humans and enjoy life. Marriage is a precious gift, with children even more so. Good luck my friend, I hope you fare well in this.
     
    LunarSlingShot likes this.
  13. TelenTubes

    TelenTubes Tele-Holic

    Age:
    43
    Posts:
    843
    Joined:
    Oct 17, 2018
    Location:
    Waco, Texas
    Will definitely pray for you. My wife of 8 years suddenly ran off with another guy. Because of who she ran off with, I have custody of our son. Before I filed, she had left us for over a month without so much as a phone call. So I had to file. She'd been acting a little funny prior to that. Now, after two years of being divorced, and she's already living with her second boyfriend, she tells me she wants to come back because I treated her well... In the words of St. Dwight... I ain't that lonely yet, lol.

    Do try to see if she will go to counseling.
    Keep your eyes and ears open.
    Be willing to talk if she will open up to you more.
    Take care of yourself during this time, too. Eat better, go to the gym if you can or whatever it is you like to do.

    I hate it that so many people, men and women, treat marriage as a disposable thing.
     
    Marquee Moon and SnidelyWhiplash like this.
  14. Biffasmum

    Biffasmum Tele-Meister

    Posts:
    121
    Joined:
    May 12, 2019
    Location:
    Melbourne
    Separations where kids are involved are always tough and men usually come of worst, irrespective of who instigated the action. If the relationship can be salvaged through counselling that’s worth the effort, especially for the child. Divorce, custody, child support payments etc. are all stacked against the absent parent, normally the father.

    Try to prepare for the different outcomes so whichever way the relationship goes you’re not completely lost.

    An earlier post summed up well the thoughts that go through a woman’s mind at your wife’s age. You have to figure out if she’s already made up her mind or not.

    If it all goes rats, and hopefully it won’t, you will still have us! Keep your head held high!
     
  15. littlebadboy

    littlebadboy Tele-Afflicted

    Posts:
    1,514
    Joined:
    Jun 25, 2016
    Location:
    Midwest, USA
    I second to go see a counselor. Now.
     
  16. ndcaster

    ndcaster Poster Extraordinaire

    Posts:
    8,504
    Joined:
    Nov 14, 2013
    Location:
    Indiana
    married 25 years here, been through rough patches, now good

    two questions to ask and answer for real:

    what’s a rough patch?
    what makes women bond?

    in my exp, a rough patch is whenever she feels insecure and I don’t do something about it. what makes her bond is when I listen and do something about it.

    people talk about “communicate” and all that, but what they’re really talking about is bonding and security.

    I agree you should get a sitter or relative and take her out for a weekend getaway. but don’t just listen passively. Listen *actively* and inquire into things. then, and I’m dead serious, have the kind of sex she’ll remember all the next week.

    if you want your marriage to survive, you have to marry marriage itself. sometimes you can coast, but sometimes it takes concerted effort.

    this is one of those times

    good luck
     
  17. scottser

    scottser Friend of Leo's

    Posts:
    2,026
    Joined:
    Mar 6, 2009
    Location:
    dublin
    DO NOT GO FOR COUNSELLING
    go dancing and have fun instead.
     
    sjwieczorkow likes this.
  18. Cheap Trills

    Cheap Trills Tele-Holic Silver Supporter

    Posts:
    582
    Joined:
    May 11, 2016
    Location:
    Brooklyn, NY
    Let's trade...
     
    sjwieczorkow and getbent like this.
  19. stepvan

    stepvan Tele-Meister Silver Supporter

    Age:
    41
    Posts:
    330
    Joined:
    Nov 15, 2018
    Location:
    amherst
    I feel for you man, I went through this 13yrs ago very similar to what you described. It's tough but just whatever happens your boy is young make sure you and your wife both remain constants in his life as this is not about him.
     
  20. Chunkocaster

    Chunkocaster Poster Extraordinaire

    Posts:
    9,725
    Joined:
    Aug 10, 2018
    Location:
    In space with Ziggy
    If things go downhill it might be worth considering a change of country. Before the court case if it gets to that. Hiding assets is always smart in these situations too.

    Lawyers often wind things up quickly if they think there is no pot-o-gold to be had at the end.
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2020
    sjwieczorkow likes this.
IMPORTANT: Treat everyone here with respect, no matter how difficult!
No sex, drug, political, religion or hate discussion permitted here.


  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.