Marriage worries...

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by NateD81, Feb 20, 2020.

  1. Chunkocaster

    Chunkocaster Poster Extraordinaire

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    I would put my foot down and tell her to stop being selfish, there is a child to consider and you made a commitment to work through things and stay together. Whatever you do don't beg or plead with her or say you will wait while she " discovers" herself etc. If she walks then cut her loose and concentrate all your energy towards yourself and your child.

    If you have done nothing to provoke this then I would be taking steps to leave with your kid.
    Let her be the one to come home to an empty house and wonder what happened. Maybe then in a month or two of her going crazy she will come to her senses but I wouldn't count on it.
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2020
  2. Shango66

    Shango66 Friend of Leo's

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    Also, Put life decisions like buying a house on the back burner.
     
  3. G.Rotten

    G.Rotten Tele-Afflicted

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    I had the same thing in my marriage. So, if nothing else I can say that you are not alone & this is not a "you specific" issue. I can offer you no real advice, because I don't know your situation & don't know how relatable my issue is/was.

    That being said, things will turn out how they are meant to & everything is a learning experience. Men & women tend to want different things & measure success in different ways. I can say that everyone deserves to be with someone who truley wants to be with them. "Wants to" vs feeling compelled to due to duty or image or lifestyle or whatever.

    She could simply be having the "7 year itch" a few years late. She may have thoughts that at this point in her life she should have reached some level she hasn't. She could be having the lady version of a mid life crisis (which can happen as early as mid 30-ish for women).

    Whatever happens or doesn't you'll live through it & come out stronger either together or separately & both will be ok. In either case your main concern is being able to work together to give your son the best versions of you.
     
  4. eclecticsynergy

    eclecticsynergy Tele-Afflicted

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    Listen to her, and hear her out - very, very good advice from getbent.

    Hopefully you can learn where this is coming from and why now. Obviously she hasn't been getting everything she feels she needs.

    Communication goes both ways too; believing she understands how important she is to you is not a safe assumption.

    It might not be too late to reopen the ways you share with each other but that won't happen without work.
    Set her straight if you can.

    It's okay to share your hurt. But never allow her to get the impression that you don't have backbone.
    However crushed you may feel inside, don't give up - a wife needs to know that you'll fight for the marriage.

    And if things are past the point of no return, be strong. For the little guy and for yourself.

    Good luck man.
     
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  5. G.Rotten

    G.Rotten Tele-Afflicted

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    This one. A lot of fixable problems get compounded by not talking about things, or by talking about things the wrong way.
     
  6. Endless Mike

    Endless Mike Friend of Leo's

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    My wife and I have been together for nearly thirty years (we've known each other since we were teens, and began seeing each other when 21 and 22 respectively). We've been through a couple of rough patches. I'm a huge proponent of marriage counseling. But the trick is to find a good therapist. When you find one that doesn't seem to click, or you get a bad feeling from, try again.

    All I can say is it sure saved us.
     
  7. G.Rotten

    G.Rotten Tele-Afflicted

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    No one calls it this, but she's possibly having her version of a mid life crisis. It happens earlier for women because let's face it on a maturity level they are more advanced than men.

    A mans mid life crisis looks like the motorcycle he always wanted but has denied himself for decades to put family first.

    A woman's mid life crisis is a deep assessment of where she is in life vs where she thought she would be & the answer is to change every aspect of her life. Obviously, that's a generalization that may not even apply to your situation but if it did it wouldn't be the first time in history.

    Another factor is that men for the most part stay who they are from their 20's on & women typically are actively seeking changes & personal growth. So unless you find ways to evolve together (& it could be a simple as a couples sport or activity) eventually you find yourselves on different paths even if your path never changed.
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2020
  8. G.Rotten

    G.Rotten Tele-Afflicted

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    Where you are is very common ground.

    A. Look into counselling.
    B. Find a good sitter you both trust & spend time with each other kid free doing something you both enjoy.
    C. Know that whatever happens, you'll be ok.
     
  9. gimmeatele

    gimmeatele Tele-Meister

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    Ten years is doing well in this day and age, it's a sad fact but true. Having been in your position, and please do not think this is my advice too you, but in the same situation I began to prepare for the split, which did come totally controlled by my ex, and it affected my life for a good while.
    So, while it may be possible to work through it, dont put yourselves in a position to drag it out and cause yourselves more stress, worry and damage to your future relations.

    All the best to you all.
     
  10. bender66

    bender66 Poster Extraordinaire

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    Can't say anymore than hasn't already been said. I really feel for you & your son.

    Yes to counseling & therapy. Even by yourself.

    Don't linger or wait on her if she's done. It prolongs the inevitable.

    I'll say this about her. At least she let you know, as confusing as it may be to you. She saved you a tremendous amount of frustration re: buying a house. I just spoke with a friend tonight who informed me of someone in that exact situation. Moved the family (4 kids) to another state, bought a house, & she asked for a divorce.
     
  11. braveheart

    braveheart Tele-Holic

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    many women are really good at masking "the (beginning) end" for a long time...they act like everything is ok and suddenly they let the bomb explode...
    but in your case it seems that the last word is still unspoken..so there's hope...perhaps just a cry for help (she's "confused" for some reason,perhaps she has problems with herself/life etc.)

    next step: stay calm and TALK to her, because otherwise this unsolved situation will eat you up alive
     
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  12. Chunkocaster

    Chunkocaster Poster Extraordinaire

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    If you have a joint credit card it might be a good time to buy that Martin acoustic and custom shop guitar and amp you've always wanted.
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2020
  13. smoggyama

    smoggyama TDPRI Member

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    There's no single answer to your predicament. Every relationship is unique in some nuances and ineffabe to others outside of the relationship. I will offer some empirical advice that may be helpful to you.
    1 Weak and needy is not attractive.
    2 The partner who cares the least has the most power.
    3 Quit trying to make her happy. Be civil. Be fair, but don't kowtow to her. You are the man she looks up to, not the boy trying to win approval.
    4 The court and most everyone you know will take her side. Your couple friends will drop you or phase you out. Prepare for bieng vilified unjustly. This may extend to the poisoning of your son's relationship with you, with disregard for the deleterious effects upon him. She may imply or impart things that you wouldn't dream of telling him about her.
    5 A lawyer's first priority is his own family and that means create as many billing hours as possible. I'd do whatever I could to hide assets.
    6 Women are hormonally driven and are cyclothylamic. You cannot win an argument and it's uncertain that she'll keep her word.
    Hopefully things will improve and you'll have a happy future. The fact that she is questioning her choice, knows what she signed on to (your career) and has a 4 year old with you does not bode well. If things get worse, I suggest that you travel. Thailand is a remedy. This sounds so banal. If you are going to live as a human sacrifice, then do it deliberatly and on your own terms. "You have never met your wife until you have met her in court" =HLMenken
     
  14. jarpat

    jarpat Tele-Holic

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    Hi - and sorry to hear about Your situation.
    I am nobody to give You any advice, don't have the rank.
    I was not married, but we had two small boys, when I was told the same after 12 years of intimate relationship.
    We parted and took care of the boys as well as we could. I had a bit wilder times 2-3 years and then I met someone else.
    Boys are now all grown up and after 10 years of "intimate relationship" with this new lady, I proposed to her and we got married. We have been married now almost 12 years, so 22 years all together. And still happy.
    I'm sure, that Your life will also find its course and You'll do just fine.
    "Life is a box of chocolates..."
     
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  15. Guitarteach

    Guitarteach Poster Extraordinaire

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    First year teaching for her, an impending house move... Going to be lots of stresses, worries and changes.

    Talk listen talk listen, talk listen, repeat... and be very clear and honest if you love her and are prepared to make things work (if you are). Autopilot can set in in a marriage.

    I would say, if my wife was going cold on the idea of a house, ‘we’ would be going cold on the idea of a house.

    Multiple major stressors all coming at same time is not best place to be. I’d want to know what would make her happy and try and make that happen... hopefully it would still involve me.

    kids can also change everything for a woman in my limited experience (22 years with just the one) Does house and teaching commitment effect time with her child or possible chance for another?

    Good luck. Hopefully its just a bump in the road you will be able to negotiate.
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2020
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  16. Steve 78

    Steve 78 Friend of Leo's

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    Lots of good advice here. She may have made up her mind but in case she hasn't, make sure she knows that you will fight for her and your marriage. Good luck.
     
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  17. kbold

    kbold Tele-Afflicted Silver Supporter

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    Time for you both to go on a holiday.
    Separate holidays.

    That's the best advice I can come up with.
    That's the only advice I can recommend.
     
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  18. Rumblur

    Rumblur Tele-Meister

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    with the wide spread use of social media, it's almost impossible to keep someone worth their weight in snot these days. If a chick is hot at all, EVERY guy is hitting on her 24/7 (the ugly ones only get hit on the 1 and 3...LOL)
    I have a young friend that looks like Thor, you would not BELIEVE the older women he scores! And they hit him up! My advice to you is... find out who the top 5 divorce lawyers are in town. Go put a retainer on each one of them. That way she has no offense and you can maybe persuade her to see things your way. IF she's brought it up, I'd bet it's either a done deal and she's already smitten with Johnny Three Legs, or she's seeing if you will fight to keep her.

    It's a chess game either way you play it, sorry to say.
     
  19. BobbyZ

    BobbyZ Doctor of Teleocity

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    Actually that brings up a good point.
    Start thinking about money now !
    I've seen and lived it myself. They'll clean out your bank accounts faster than you can blink.
    Obviously I don't know you or her but I'm telling you watch those finances!
    A friend I worked with in Alaska thought he could trust his wife that was talking divorce when we went up there. All the sudden she's talking reconciliation. He'd already signed the divorce papers!
    We made a bunch of money up there and his wife spent all of his! The only good part was the witch got the divorce done and remarried. She wound up going to jail a little while, lost her job at the sherrifs department and her new husband did too. But big deal! He was out thousands of dallors.

    Hopefully you deal isn't that bad but I've seen it happen time and time again.
    Guy always says, "she wouldn't do that to me".
    If she wouldn't, then you got a one in a million woman!

    Good luck. I really hope it isn't as bleak for you as I'm saying it could be.
     
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  20. BobbyZ

    BobbyZ Doctor of Teleocity

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