Marriage worries...

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by NateD81, Feb 20, 2020.

  1. NateD81

    NateD81 Tele-Meister

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    Hello to anyone who reads this. I don't post a crazy amount here - I'm relatively new and a bit transient on the forum, but I feel like a part of this community.

    Tonight my wife of almost 10 years told me that she's having doubts about our marriage. She is a wonderful person, and we've had a pretty good marriage. No big blowouts, we get along, we have one 4-year-old boy we both adore. She totally caught me off guard when she told me, she wanted to be honest.

    I'm at a loss. I'm not angry with her, she hasn't strayed from our marriage, she's just confused I guess? We haven't gone in great detail as she just told me tonight. I thought it was strange that we've been so excited about purchasing our first home this summer but lately, she has cooled on that big time. I thought maybe she was just too busy to think about house hunting (she just started her first year teaching) Has anyone gone through anything like this? I'm grateful for her honesty, and I don't even know what it means, but I'm heartbroken.

    I know this is ridiculous but I don't even know who to turn to at this point. I don't want to alarm family because maybe we work it out? But I'm not sure I can keep it to myself? I need my sanity as I'm a teacher and have students who depend on me, ugh. I'm not even sure what I'm typing at this point.

    Thank you to everyone who bothers to read this. I know life works itself out, and I'll be ok. I just feel like I'm on the verge of losing something.
     
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  2. OldDude2

    OldDude2 Tele-Afflicted

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    I'll say a prayer for you and your family, but read up on what's called the 7 year itch. An attorney friend of mine gave me some insight into a natural phenomenon that happens between 7-10 years and the divorce numbers support it.
     
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  3. Chunkocaster

    Chunkocaster Poster Extraordinaire

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    This is standard behaviour these days, you are a part of the majority. Try and spend some time doing whatever it is you enjoy doing and plan for the worst. Sorry you have to be dealing with this but its just an unfortunate part of modern day relationships being that there are many temptations being pushed via media etc and divorce is not frowned upon like it used to be.
     
  4. NateD81

    NateD81 Tele-Meister

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    Thank you. I've always heard of it but thought at 10 years we were past that. I'll look in to when I can for sure.
     
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  5. Shango66

    Shango66 Friend of Leo's

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    Your wife in early 30s?
    That’s often when they jump ship.
    Hope you can get thru it .
     
  6. getbent

    getbent Telefied Silver Supporter

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    get a sitter this weekend. go somewhere quiet with her maybe even a car ride up the coast, and listen. She will have lots to say if you let her and encourage it. Hear her out.
     
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  7. OldDude2

    OldDude2 Tele-Afflicted

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    It is possible to make it past this milestone you just have to work on it.
     
  8. max_twang

    max_twang Tele-Afflicted

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    ^^^

    ...and find some good counselling.
     
  9. Dacious

    Dacious Poster Extraordinaire

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    Maybe she's just feeling under stress and pressure, young child new job, house hunting.

    It seems you've come this far, I guess it might be good to look up family counseling services available through your local municipality.

    It sounds like a cry for help to me. Some confidential advice would be a good thing.

    Ask her what is causing her to question your marriage? Does she feel trapped - people often do in their thirties with commitments and the outside world encroaching. Just be prepared for honest answers.
     
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  10. stnmtthw

    stnmtthw Friend of Leo's

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    For what its worth...

    I've been with my wife for 21 years. It's normal for people in a long term relationship to start questioning and wondering what they're missing. Its human nature.

    My advice is to figure out a way to reconnect. Maybe you can find a way to take a weekend or a week off, leave your son with someone you trust, and dedicate all your attention on each other. Remind each other why you decided to get married in the first place. Remind her why she loves you.

    And if things do go south, remember that it's not the end of the world. Every ending is a beginning.
     
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  11. NateD81

    NateD81 Tele-Meister

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    She's 33 and I'm 39 next month
     
  12. NateD81

    NateD81 Tele-Meister

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    Thank you to everyone with your thoughtful responses. I don't have it in me to respond to everyone but I'm reading everything you're writing and I really appreciate it - more than you know.
     
  13. Chunkocaster

    Chunkocaster Poster Extraordinaire

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    Ten years is a good run for someone your age these days. I've lost count of the women that have proclaimed forever love and been in bed with a new guy within a month or two of separating, usually with a guy that was waiting in the wings. Signing on for a relationship is akin to getting the latest iPhone these days except the iPhone is new in the packet. Soon to be obsolete and replaced with the next version.

    It's not always the case but it pays to be aware of the harsh reality of what happens to many. Start planning to look after yourself and do what's best for you and your future.
     
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2020
  14. dreamingtele

    dreamingtele Friend of Leo's

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    so sorry about this.. My wife and I are married for 3 years and its still a bit hard, especially with work, stress, caring for a one year old.. and we kind of forgotten to cherish each other to the point that our marriage is becoming stagnant..

    but it doesnt have to be, and I write this as a reminder to myself also to work it out and remember why we got married in the first place..

    I sincerely hope you guys will find your way back.. love can win, only if you are willing to fight for it. and also for the sake of the child.. its hard to see a child with separated parents.. (my wife is one), and they grew up in a hard situation when all they need and require is attention and love from both parents..

    I'll be praying for you!
     
  15. El Tele Lobo

    El Tele Lobo Friend of Leo's Silver Supporter

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    Sending prayers, buddy. I'm a single guy for 6 years now. Been engaged twice...never married. Lots of ill-advised relationships with women who didn't honor me. But I believe strongly in marriage. Some great advice from the guys here. Try to get her to open up. See if she's willing to go to counseling. Doubting the relationship could be a cry for help and a desire to be heard or could be a way of saying she wants out and she's already made her mind up, but just isn't sure how to do it. My experience is many women already have something lined up when they want to step out of a relationship...though some simply want to run off and "find themselves." It's become very fashionable for women to do that today. She may want to get off the hook without feeling like the bad guy. But the fact remains, you made a commitment to one another for the rest of your lives. Praying she'll open up and you'll work past this, buddy. Stay strong. Don't give up.

    I saw a film once about a troubled marriage called Fireproof. Might be a good watch for movie night together to see about getting a conversation going. It's about a couple struggling and on the verge of divorce.

    It's really going to come down to whether she wants to fight for your marriage or give up on it. All too often it's the latter. But fight for it, man. Maybe she'll come around.
     
  16. MarkieMark

    MarkieMark Tele-Holic

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    Man. Everyones different yet....
    I dont know you but I feel your pain. Been through the wringer myself.
    And yeah, this may not be the place to spill your guts or get help.
    Seek counseling asap.

    Simple suggestions however. Let her know this is potentially devastating to you and that you wish to to fix it if you can. Then as suggested listen. Intently.

    But also know this. Hanging on too long if it isnt to be fixed, is IMO and experience a common mistake. Took me forever to really "let go" and begin to reconstruct my life. Longer than it should have. You both have to want the same thing.

    But looking back it was just a bump in the road to here and now.
    Time makes it better. And especially, be there in support of the child and reinforce that whatever happens they will be ok. Decades later, that parts still hard.
     
  17. Larmo63

    Larmo63 Friend of Leo's

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    I hope all the best for you because of that little boy. He doesn't need this. You need to be a strong man and take control of the situation. Figure out and/or find out what the crux of the issues she has are, and either try to change, or get along for your son. If not, get an attorney and go on offense.

    Men usually get screwed in divorces because they are weak.

    Be strong. We are here for you. I'm praying for you.
     
  18. LKDog

    LKDog NEW MEMBER!

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    I might suggest talking to her about seeing a licensed marriage counselor together. A lot going on in your lives.
    Wishing you the best.
     
  19. BobbyZ

    BobbyZ Doctor of Teleocity

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    Hopefully you can work it out.
    Now I'll be the turd in the punch bowl.
    Hopefully this isn't the case mind you !

    Often by the time they tell you they want a divorce.
    THEY WANT A FRICKING DIVORCE!
    It hits you hard because it's a surprise. They've already gone through whatever grieving process they have and are ready to move on. Might even have someone to move on with in mind or they've been screwing around on you already.
    If that's the case there's little point in trying to work it out.
    Trouble is how do you tell? Damned if I know!

    Hopefully that isn't the case and maybe she's just a little down in the dumps and you can work it out.

    Good luck. I've been there myself a few times.
     
  20. Deeve

    Deeve Friend of Leo's Silver Supporter

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    if she's been willing to be honest w/ you, perhaps that's cos she'd like it to work too.
    Can you get a sitter for the kid this weekend?
    Can you go for a long drive & listen?
    Can that time (how ever much) be used to let her know she's important to you?

    Hoping for your success, but know this - the job is never done - it's never "certain".
    We just crossed thirty years of marriage and I'm still not sure I've adequately expressed my appreciation & devotion.
    Things would be pretty hard if I had to start over.
    Peace - Deeve
     
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