Lost An Old Friend To Alcoholism This Week.


Jun 25, 2021
right here
I am so very sorry to hear this.

My mother was an alcoholic, but stayed sober for many, many years with the help of AA, of course. It took many attempts,but she finally beat it. She even spent the last years of her life as a rehab counselor for Santa Clara county

She always feared I (as well as my siblings) were alcoholics. I drank pretty heavy in my younger days, but it never caused any trouble for me or anyone else (my mother excluded). I was primarily a beer drinker. I finally got to the point where I thought this is just costing me money and making me fat. I don't believe I am an alcoholic, it's been years since I quit, but I can drink socially, have a beer or two every now and then. There's been a couple of beers in the fridge for over 6 months.

My sister recently celarated 37 year of sobriety. I am very proud of her. I know it's not easy, after watching what my mother went through.


Dec 11, 2013
Wilmington, NC
I just got the bad news today from my pal who walked me through the doors to sobriety.
There were 3 of us who grew up on the same street, were in the same class at school from our first day in 1971 till our last in 1984.

Maybe due to something in the water, inheritance of genes, our social environment or a mixture of all three, we all developed the same dysfunctional relationship with alcohol in adulthood.

Big John was first to the nightmare but got sober at 27 having lost a promising football/soccer career and his father to the same disease of alcoholism the year before.
He was the guy who walked me through the doors of my first meeting in 2010 and the guy who drove me in 2012 to the gates of the rehab hospital. I'll be forever grateful for his patience and selflessness.

With Tony (one of the best piano players I've ever heard) we've not been so lucky, he hit the bottle hard in the early 90s after losing his father to the disease. His father had been 25 years sober himself but a year after having his first drink after 25 years was gone. Needless to say, it hit Tony hard, and he'd been on the same downward spiral ever since.

Despite our collective efforts, Big John and I never managed to help him get sober and we've watched a guy with a 'drink problem' slowly turn into a shadow of a man over the last 30 years. From a guy in his 20s with a good steady job and regular gigs to a guy at 57 who stays in his room in his mother's house, all day, every day committing suicide in instalments.

Mrs K is heading down to our old town to see his mother (my old nursery teacher) to offer some support, because she is also Mrs K's Alanon sponsor. I can't imagine her heartbreak at losing a husband and son to alcoholism in a 30-year nightmare.

I've mixed feelings just now, relief that Tony is now at peace, grateful for my own reprieve (contingent on my daily decisions) but also a mixture of sadness and anger to have seen a kind and talented friend's life go down the toilet over a painful 30-year period.

There but for the grace of God go I.

Rest in peace Tony.
Sorry for your loss. I am sure most folks here have had alcoholism or another kind of addiction touch their lives in some way. I know I have, in a multitude of ways. Really sorry for your friend.


Friend of Leo's
Feb 27, 2017
Tampa Bay
So sorry you had to watch a long term buddy slowly destroy himself, and being powerless to stop it doubles the hurt.

The science now tells us it really boils down to brain chemistry (which is inherited). It seems the T-cell receptors only work at 1/4 of their capacity in the uptake of dopamine, which sets off this escalating spiral in which the brain is never satisfied and craves more, no matter how much. So it's not as simple as just a matter of self control.

I recently ended a 30 marriage to a high functioning alcoholic. Upon retirement, her abuse escalated radically- falling and damaging her body and seriously impacting her brain function. She couldn't quit (even though she claimed she could) after being confronted by her daughters and myself. She has been in total denial her whole life.

I have always been by nature, a "fixer". And it took 30 years to accept that "you can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed, but you can destroy you can ruin your life trying".

Peace to you Kandinskyesque and all others face this demon in their lives~

johnny k

Doctor of Teleocity
Jan 15, 2011
Sorry for your loss. Depression leads to addiction, it might inherited, it might not be. I don't know. It makes life easier for some people, until it is not fun any more and you just have to do it no matter what. And there are a great range of addictions.


Friend of Leo's
Nov 14, 2010
Santa Barbara
Your perspective on your friend and yourself is moving and powerful. I grew up immersed in alcoholism -- both my parents, many relatives, and, of course, friends and neighbors, etc. In addition to the extreme and obvious cases, there are many more who live greatly diminished, sad lives under the influence. Unless you are wealthy and can enter truly higher level rehabilitation programs, the treatment provided under normal health insurance, or public welfare is almost certain to be pointless, ineffective, and designed to create repeat "customers" (relapses) rather than success. Virtually every program, whatever they say, will do nothing, really, but enforce a period of detox and abstinence (usually via sedation) until they exhaust insurance benefit funding, at which time they tell you to use AA. The good sponsors and group members will generally provide more care and support and therapy than the so-called professionals. I have had dealings with at least a dozen programs and maybe a hundred staffers, and with the exception of maybe 2 individuals, these people, even the nice ones, did nothing of impact or value to any patient, and the middling to worst cases are truly horrible. I don't know why this country has decided that this system of insurance/program co-dependency is the enforced standard when it doesn't work. Statistics show that successful cases that "sticK" over time are very rare. While outsiders may revile alcoholics (since they do not understand the disease) some of the alcoholics I know have been incredibly brave facing their disease while being betrayed by so-called caregivers and being told all the time that they just need to be more determined. As if. I'm sure your friend's journey was excruciating and I'm sorry that his life was so difficult.


Poster Extraordinaire
Feb 15, 2016
Sorry for Tony and all who knew him.

I am currently going through this very same problem. I have cirrhosis of the liver, and am undergoing medical treatment. Haven't drunk a drop since I had an ambulance ride in early February. Don't plan on ever drinking again. In the past few months my liver seems to be repairing itself. Fingers crossed I will be buried with the same liver I was born with.
Pulling for you, I would like to see you posting here for a very long time. Sounds like you are off to a good start.


Jun 28, 2010
My brothers wife just past today after a drunken fall on her sidewalk hitting her head. She was an alcoholic for years. Brain bleed and no brain activity for a week they unplugged her today. So sad....


Feb 29, 2004
Portland, OR
What ever the reason, when we loose someone that takes along a piece of your heart, it hurts. But the time will come when you think of loved ones gone, you'll smile from the memories. This is when you know your heart has healed as much as it can.

Thoughts and prayers.

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