Losing A Friend

[telemnemonics]

Part of the Recovery game includes reducing harm to others.

A sad fact though is that it will seldom work if we change FOR others.
Get sober for the wife or kids or job?
Seldom sticks.
Seems it works if we do it for ourselves, to stop BEING that hurt factory.
A simple clarification of that complicated history is that the resentment toward anyone we can blame for anything will take us back to the old ways if we quit for them then they fail to live up to our expectations after we worked so hard to change for them.

Certainly a starting point for many of us who get pushed into recovery by family or maybe a Judge.
But if done for others it is too dependent on them and not enough about truly wanting to change ourselves.

You know this, just seemed like a point to reiterate.

 

[schmee]

It's a bummer, the worst part being you can't help someone like that, unless they are VERY ready for it. I've got no time for a drunk.

My best childhood friend went in the Navy submarine service after high school. He came back drunk and never stopped. Died probably 15 years ago. We met up a few times, he always insisted meeting in a bar and was pretty drunk when I got there every time. It's sad to see that was his life really.
They had a wood stove, as a kid if his mom was pissed she'd chase him around the house with a piece of firewood and rap him on the shins. It didn't seem like it affected him much at the time but evidently it did.

Saw this pic and it fit!

 

[Zepfan]

I had a high school friend like that. We both were in deep at that time.
I ODed at 16 and almost died. I quit doing what I was doing by 18, but he kept going up to age 40 and I was there for him.
I realized that I was being a crutch for him and let him go.
He got sick and went to the doctor. He had stage 4 cirrhosis and they gave him 6 months.
He quit doing all that he was doing and turned his life around. He apologized to everyone he knew.
5 months later he was gone.

He had to hit the bottom and for some that means nobody helping them. Some learn quick and some keep a pattern of devastation and depression til it's too late.

 

[GeneB]

My company moved me to Florida after 911 and I made a few friends at work who also played golf . I was close to one but he was under medication as he was bi-polar. He was a riot to be around although I saw him try to kill some random guy on a golf course because he was accusing him of moving his ball in a sand trap. Still friends and twenty years later I get a message from his fourth ! wife. I knew her from a few luncheons in a small group. The message was pictures of all her bruises from him hitting her. She asked me for help and through the local police I get a place for her that handles these situations with love and lawyers. I ghosted my best friend of 20 years. It's five since this happened.

 

[naveed211]

Yeah, unfortunately I’ve lost many close friends over the years. Some to falling out, some to moving on, some to drugs, some to drama, and some to death.

I basically just have my band, a few long distance friends I moved away from and don’t see in person anymore, and my wife (with my divorce pending and her currently not talking to me).

All that is to say, you made the right choice to distance yourself. It can be a bummer, but if a friendship becomes a drain or doesn’t add anything positive to your life for any extended period of time, it can’t keep going.

 

[COOPSTER]

I think you're letting him down.

What's it to you if he calls once a week and talks for five minutes.

Five minutes a week is anything but a burden.

Make it once a month for five minutes.

At least he knows someone is listening to him.

I truly don't understand where you're coming from.

Look at it this way, perhaps someday you can say something that will encourage him to get help.

I've been through this so many times the entire scenario is a broken record.

I don't turn my back on a friend unless they've proven they aren't my friend.

Your friend has only proven he needs help, he hasn't hurt you.

When they’re slurring with an “S” lisp by noon and denying they’re already into the 66 ounce of Prince Igor vodka that might last three days it’s time to put the phone down and move along. Alcohol on the brain, declining cognition, circular arguments, friends falling away as he burns the bridges, family members estranged, wife gone for fear. So what’s next? An intervention? Good luck with that, would no doubt turn physical. All that’s left is to walk away really. 45 years of friendship ruined by alcohol, he’s already gone frankly, not the same person anymore. My dog died recently, she was my best friend. He couldn't even remember five minutes after telling him. So very sad. COOP

 

[jacobbsmeme]

I am so sorry to read that

 

[Lou Tencodpees]

Folks that need to hit rock bottom most often take a lot of people along for the ride. Its hard not to feel guilt for not doing more, but in my experience the best one can do is be there to extend a hand on their ascent back up.

 

[telemnemonics]

I live in a strange world of co-occurring joy and grief in my recovery community where the constant influx of all ages with the same old problem plus many additional / other mental health problems makes for many new friends who have their expiration date faintly printed across their eyes.

Not that I “know” who will make it who will die young and who will suffer long years of hurting and harming all they come in close contact with.
I am willingly one who they can hurt but only within some boundaries.

To learn what boundaries are workable and how to apply them, I went to meetings and had sponsors in a program for staying clean, plus another program for not enabling loved ones who are not staying clean.
My sense is the second program was much harder.
My own addiction can be arrested as long as I adhere to the program I work and attend and serve in.
The addiction of others is the thing I am most powerless over.
I do not offer my home or money or even transportation to using addicts/ alcoholics.
On occasion I take a phone call in the middle of the night from a using person. The last had drank again after over a year sober and his fiancé went to stay with friends because she did not feel safe at home.

Really my availability is to those not using and making an effort to stay that way.
I do not require they have a certain amount of time not using, though a day or two is barely different, so it may matter.
But if solidly in the process of changing, they are much more capable of accepting help and that is a critical time to take a risk and help someone.
Again not at my house, no funding, and for me not even transportation because Ive just had enough physical havoc and am too old to wrestle crazies on drugs.
Plenty of younger folks for physical help.

Any given week I see someone I figured may be dead and they look half way there but came back to meetings and it is a tiny joy.
So sad to me is that now it is so many very young even child age arriving in meetings.
Minors do attend meetings without a guardian, not sure how that works but if kids can be homeless they can attend meetings.
Blows my mind when they get five years clean & sober but three were before they were “old enough to drink”.

So really anyone can quit and learn a new way to live.
Near as I can tell from my contact with thousands of hopeless wretched drunks and druggies who often have multiple mental health diagnoses.
Quite a few now on the spectrum as well.

Consider if “you” (any normal person close to a drunk or druggy) is uncertain how to deal with a friends problem, there are meetings for YOU.
Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are 12 step programs for all of us who can’t fix loved ones who can’t fix themselves.
Even if not planning to stay, you can learn approaches and resources from locals in the same boat.
Amazing how helpful it is to hear story after story like your own and know you are not alone in it.

Al-Anon Meeting Search - Al-Anon Family Groups

“Are you concerned about someone else’s drinking? You may attend ANY meeting listed. While some groups choose to have certain Attendees selected, they will welcome anyone looking for help.”

al-anon.org

Find a Meeting — Nar-Anon Family Groups

www.nar-anon.org

 

[johnny k]

drinking is a disease. Be there for him. I know because i drink too much, out of depression. I didn't know it at the time, but when i told the doctor, she told what you have is serious. I answered really ? I feel like that all the time. I couldn't even tell i was depressed because it was normal. So she got me on anti depressant. Both the doctor and the pharmacist told me, do NOT quit the medication cold turkey. Being who i am, i quit cold turkey. And i was so tired i didn't even feel like drinking. so there is that. It went on for a good 7 or 8 days. Then i came to my senses right before i had to record some guitar parts, 3 days in a row. Right on time. 4 days before recording i felt like cancelling the thing because i just didn't have the energy.

I am talking going to bed tired, not being able to fall asleep, having a really light sleep, and waking up tired.

She also told me where to go to get help. It is not AA, but an addictology center. I met a nurse, she asked me a bunch of question, and gave me an appointment. I am going there soon, so i can't tell you what the next step is.

The good thing is that the people i met so far were not judging me. They are here to help, and are pretty used to meet people who are in a bad shape.

Though i went to the doctor a few times when i was hungover, so i had the beer shivers, the tequila tilt a whirl, the cold and hot sweat, and she told me you are scaring me. I answered i know, i am scaring me too.

So it can be done. Once you make the first step, start taking notes about what you have to do for the day or whatever, it gets sort of easier. A time schedule to the minute, from waking up to going to bed.

Just like sharks, addicts have to keep moving and get busy in order not to think too much.

 

[johnny k]

Another fun thing, i met once a young doctor at the hospital, it was not alcohol related, i think he was in training, he asked me what sort of things i was doing, so i told him i was in the sauce, and he told me there will be relapses. That is the last thing you want to hear from a doctor when you are an addict.

A last important thing, alcohol is a anxiolitic, and it is the first thing filtered by the liver. So when you get on anxyolitic pills, they don't work so good. Xanax was pretty useless for me, and valium worked maybe 2 days, then i got used to it and it became useless.

TLDR; take care you guys! There are several songs to be written with that sort of experience.

 

[archetype]

Just saw this thread. As @sammy1974 aluded to back in June:

Let go or be dragged.

I first heard that from my wife who frequently finds herself advising friends. It applies to people, situations, jobs, cults, relationships, substances, addictions, habits, etc. The list is endless. Don't be a passenger on a plane that obviously will crash. You do have a parachute, so use it.

 

[Deeve]

Just saw this thread. As @sammy1974 aluded to back in June:

Let go or be dragged.

I first heard that from my wife who frequently finds herself advising friends. It applies to people, situations, jobs, cults, relationships, substances, addictions, habits, etc. The list is endless. Don't be a passenger on a plane that obviously will crash. You do have a parachute, so use it.

LET GO OR BE DRAGGED
an Excellent mantra, effective against all lamentations, except the time-honored response that trumps all: it begins with -
"Yeah, but . . ."

Ask me how I know

 

[jacobbsmeme]

I get how tough it is to watch a friend struggle and feel drained. Setting boundaries is important for your own well-being. By the way, if you're curious about managing health with modern options, try to Buy Ozempic Online, a treatment helping with blood sugar and weight, which might support a healthier lifestyle. Staying firm yet caring is key.