Long term relationships ending…how ready were you to move on?

JL_LI

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I’ve somehow managed to hold onto a wife for 48 years come May. It ain’t easy. For either of us. You have to go to the overlook a lot and resist the urge to push her off or jump yourself. You either overlook a lot or become a statistic.
 

Nogoodnamesleft

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My marriage ended in 2007. We had been together for 14 years, married for 9 of them.

I was about your age when it happened. I think by the time things had gone the way they did, after the initial shock and instability that had been lurking for a while, I felt a little bit relieved. I was open to see if there was something better for me out there. There was.

Things didn't work out with anyone. But even being single now is better than what had been going on.

Best wishes in your finding peace in all of this.
 

telekaster1999

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Married 17 years, separated in '19, divorced in '21. I'm not the easiest person to live with so I seriously doubt I'll put another woman through that again.
 

Esquire Rod

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Just got officially divorced in February. Separated for 2 years. 23 year marriage.

Find yourself first. Look at what was missing in your last relationship. Learn to be happy without being in a relationship.
As a rule of thumb I would say wait a year. But some relationships are over well before a spit is made.
I have had 2 relationships since and went on several dates.
I know much better what I don’t want. I have been in a committed relationship since last Christmas. It’s going very well.
My first relationship after splitting with my ex, I called it off. She was a great woman but after 90 days I realized that it wasn’t what I wanted.
Good luck and God bless. Find yourself again and heal. It will take as long as it takes.
 

Rustbucket

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I spent the final 2 years out of a nine year horrendous relationship sleeping in separate bedrooms with zero intimacy. I kept telling myself i was staying for the kids, but I was lying to myself.

I was ready to date immediately. I should have been ready years earlier.
 

brookdalebill

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Back when I had romantic entanglements, it always seemed like two years before I sought/found a new wife.
After four marriages (yikes!), two long term girlfriends, and a few other skirmishes, I finally quit.
It’s me.
I’m the common denominator.
I’m done.
No one’s complaining about that.
Not even me.
 

Sparky2

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I won’t get too personal, and you don’t have to either so this thread doesn’t go off the rails. But those who have been married or in long term relationships, how quickly were you ready to start dating again after it ended?

I know it can be different for everyone. Not sure how it’ll be for me. I think I’ll be ready pretty quickly. It’s been bad enough and delayed for enough years I’m interested to see if there can be a better situation out there for me.

I’ve been off the market from age 22-37, so we’ll see how things are now.
A lot of great advice and perspective has been offered here today.
It's all good.

We are all different in our personal motivations, desires, and expected outcomes, so there is no one-size-fits-all solution to your quandary.

I'll offer this much;

* You are at the perfect age to be a really good mate or partner to some lucky lady out there.
Young enough to be attractive and physically adept,
and old enough to be carrying some wisdom and experience into the next relationship.

* That said, YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE A REALLY GOOD MATE OR PARTNER TO SOME LUCKY LADY OUT THERE RIGHT NOW.
Not now.
You want to avoid entanglements, commitments, and long-term relationships.
At this point in your life, anyway.

* Go out there and live your life.
If a date comes along, go on it.
Be truthful with her, about your just having come off of a long term relationship.
You aren't in it to get committed right now.
Just keeping it casual.
Having fun.
Breathing the clean air.

* If some intimacy comes your way, engage in it.
Honestly.
Truthfully.
Without a serious expectation of a long-term partnership.
Not any time soon.

Eventually, you will have to time to both reflect on your life before, and your desires and expectations for the life yet to come.
And, at some point, a like-minded gal, carry some battle scars of her own will come along.
And you will know that she is someone worth spending a lot of time with.
And slowly, carefully, committing some heart and love into.

Truth is paramount.
No lies.
No half-truths.
No little white lies.

Any woman who loves and respects you for who you really are, and the journey you have been on, will be a woman worth engaging with.

And demand the same of her.
You want the truth.
No candy-coated sort of version of her past.
You can love and respect her for all her past baggage and possible mistakes.
But she has to know that the truth is a life-long expectation and minimum standard.
No games.

As others have implied, the right one will almost always come along.
The gal you feel the most happy and comfortable with.
The lady who comes to be your best friend, ever.

And that's great.
Somewhere down the road, anyway.

😕
 

Spox

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My last relationship ended twelve years ago, had made the mistake of going into a relationship with a friend with lots of mutual friends. It was a crummy friendbase, all we really had in common any more was the shared memories of our wasted youths/twenties/thirties. I was the odd one out in the scene in that I never did the dirty on my friends even when the opportunities arose and when the last relationship ended because of third party involvement I decided I could either take it on the chin, beat his ass as I'd done twice amongst the same friendbase in the past/previous relationships or walk away from a group of people who I no longer considered to be my friends and I chose the last of these. What I really was not expecting was to still be single twelve years later but them's the breaks. I'm long over her but have other baggage and unfortunately not in possession of the funds/prospects to make the baggage less of an issue.

As a few have mentioned in this thread though a bad relationship is worse than being single.
 

tfarny

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Nothing eases the pain of divorce faster than a new set of lips, and it can be really good to "get out there and have fun" but until you're ready to be a rock for somebody else, you're not ready for a "real relationship" - women seem to know better than men where they stand emotionally with that stuff. You don't have to be a monk, but you probably need a year of either working on yourself or casually fishing around (or both) at the very least.
 

Alex_C

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If the relationship is bad and you hang in there too long, when it ends, I'd suspect you'd be raring to go. If the relationship is meh but not good enough to endure, I'd guess it'l take longer to move on. YYMV
 

SixStringSlinger

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Nothing eases the pain of divorce faster than a new set of lips, and it can be really good to "get out there and have fun" but until you're ready to be a rock for somebody else, you're not ready for a "real relationship" - women seem to know better than men where they stand emotionally with that stuff. You don't have to be a monk, but you probably need a year of either working on yourself or casually fishing around (or both) at the very least.

I think that's it right there. The first part can come very quickly and be great and slingshot you down the right path, but you often underestimate how long that path is before you're ready for the second part.
 

stxrus

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I’m probably the wrong person to chime in. I’ve never been married but I’ve been in three long term relationships. Two of them are long over. Several moderate (2-3 years) relationship. They are all over. I’m friends with several of the ladies but there are no romantic involvement
When the relationship is over I fo not dwell on it. I move on. I don’t hop into something else until my head is clear. I never look back. It’s over and that’s that.
Ive never looked for a long term relationship but sometimes they just show up
 

cometazzi

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Awhile as I recall. Nice to refind myself first. Imho

This is the biggest part. Once the dust settles you'll discover all kinds of things about yourself that were neglected for this reason or that, or because you were 'appeasing' someone else. It is important to reconnect with your unbridled self.

Don't rush this, savor it.

Also, don't jump into dating until you're ready. The time varies for everyone, but the key is that you're not looking to "replace" the person from before. You're looking for a new adventure.

Hard to explain, but know the difference. Be honest with yourself.
 

telemnemonics

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ASAP, calmly.

Every ex is different.
Every new romance is different.
Every one of us is different.

Watch Catfish before dating online!
 

Milspec

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From experience....depends entirely on if you are able to close the door fully or not. Until you are able to do that, you never will.
 

Milspec

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What's that line from the HBO series "GLOW"?

"I have women....sometimes.....she gets angry with me"
 




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