Long term relationships ending…how ready were you to move on?

[naveed211]

I won’t get too personal, and you don’t have to either so this thread doesn’t go off the rails. But those who have been married or in long term relationships, how quickly were you ready to start dating again after it ended?

I know it can be different for everyone. Not sure how it’ll be for me. I think I’ll be ready pretty quickly. It’s been bad enough and delayed for enough years I’m interested to see if there can be a better situation out there for me.

I’ve been off the market from age 22-37, so we’ll see how things are now.

 

[uriah1]

Awhile as I recall. Nice to refind myself first. Imho

 

[TeleTex82]

Was married for 5 years previously, we split in February/March of 2012. Took the Summer to just have fun. Started dating seriously again in the fall. Met a girl I really liked that October. 10 years, two kids, and a whole bunch of ups and downs later she's still keeping me around.

 

[Si G X]

I think you are ready to move on once you've accepted that it's over.

That took quite a while for me once, so I wouldn't put a time on it.... you'll know.

 

[BigDaddyLH]

This is one of those "how long is a piece of string" questions.

If you're not over the previous relationship, you have already screwed up the new one!

 

[Chiogtr4x]

I was ready to date someone new 32 years ago ( so was she), but we have our 42nd Anniversary in August.
I'm afraid it's a 'fight to the finish' at this point!

Seriously, I don't think it's a great idea to stay together, just to stay together ( if both folks are miserable, or just really don't love each other anymore, it happens)

Everyone deserves to be happy!

 

[String Tree]

I won’t get too personal, and you don’t have to either so this thread doesn’t go off the rails. But those who have been married or in long term relationships, how quickly were you ready to start dating again after it ended?

I know it can be different for everyone. Not sure how it’ll be for me. I think I’ll be ready pretty quickly. It’s been bad enough and delayed for enough years I’m interested to see if there can be a better situation out there for me.

I’ve been off the market from age 22-37, so we’ll see how things are now.

It all depends on what you are looking for.

IMHO- (and a few others around here) Put the last relationship behind you.
By that, be able to control how you feel when you start thinking about it. Because, you will, for a Long time. Even after you meet somebody else.
I came to accept that the reason things went bad was, we both were had differnt expectations of each other. She couln't meet mine, I couldn't meet hers.
So, we broke-up. I came to realize that the Fault was simply this: We had a lousy relationship.

Don't make it a Criteria for the new person to make you Forget about the Last.
Don't make the New person a sounding board for everything that went wrong with the last. Talking too much about your Failed Relationship can come back to Sink your new Relationship.

Take a deep breath, Park your Emotions in Neutral, keep your mind right.

~ST

 

[KeithDavies 100]

Well, this is a subject to get into!

Some good advice above, so read that - as I'm sure you've done.

As others have said, it's different for everyone. At the same time, I think there probably are some common themes - String Tree has alluded to some, above. Especially, I'd upvote:

Don't make it a Criteria for the new person to make you Forget about the Last.
Don't make the New person a sounding board for everything that went wrong with the last. Talking too much about your Failed Relationship can come back to Sink your new Relationship.

Take a deep breath, Park your Emotions in Neutral, keep your mind right.

For me - I was married for 14 years. I felt I was ready for a new relationship quite quickly, but I was so, so wrong, and a few women suffered as a consequence of my lack of awareness. I suspect that's a common scenario - I've heard friends of both genders encountering, and being hurt by, people who were clearly not yet ready for a new relationship even if they thought they were.

I'd been out of that relationship about 3 years when I met the woman who is now my second - and final! - wife. We've now been together 11 years. Even then, though, I still had a lot to work through. I was lucky. Emily - this wife! - is generally very patient and quite astute, and was able at times to point out that I appeared to be angry not at anything she had done, but at something I imagined she might have done if she was like my first wife, which she wasn't. I don't know if that makes sense. Anyway - I got better at that over time.

Good luck with it all. I've been unhappily married and happily married - the latter is better. Indeed, being in a healthy happy relationship has been quite a revelation - I'd highly recommend it!

 

[BigDaddyLH]

There's always the writings of Jordan Peterson. <ducks/>

 

[Jackroadkill]

I met my first serious woman at the age of 18 and we had 18 months of pure happiness together. The other five and a half years were hell, and I was too dumb to get out. When I finally did get out I found myself a 25-year old bachelor with a rock band and no rules, so I jumped in with both feet. I did this for a few years until I met my other half, and we've been together for 15 years, which is nearly long enough for me to have forgotten how much fun the lost weekend was...!

 

[SuprHtr]

My experience was that after 17 years of marriage, through some fault of my own, I was unwillingly booted. It blindsided me and generally messed me up. I mistakenly jumped immediately into an ill-advised rebound marriage that taught me a lot, in a not good way. That one lasted 3 years. It took me a good 7 more years and much chasing after the wrong women to learn what was really important to me. But it’s different for everyone. When I met the right woman, I knew it immediately, and we’ve been together for 16 years. Had I met her a decade earlier, without all the missteps, I would probably not have even considered her.

 

[SixStringSlinger]

I think that, to a point at least, “ready” is defined by your taking action (any; ask someone out, download a dating app, if your friend if that person they know is single…), but that doesn’t mean that you won’t stumble along the way, for reasons that both are and are not down to you.

The nearly 8-year relationship I was in ended in early July 2019. It was o r if those “see it coming from a mile away” things, and maybe that helped in that I was “prepared” in a sense, but it still hit hard with all the expected suck.

I didn’t intentionally go out to meet a bunch of friends till mid-August (not that going out in big groups is something I do much). I didn’t intentionally start looking for someone to have a date with till October (via a dating app; if I’d happened on someone interesting while, say, grocery shopping I’d like to think I’d have taken a chance by then. But my point here is the “intentionally”). That went all kinds of sideways for all kinds of reasons. Learning how to navigate an app and its pitfalls, overcoming the inevitable awkwardness born of not pursuing anyone in years, people just not being interested (or interesting) after some conversation, etc.

Between October and December I happened to reconnect with an acquaintance, an old coworker I always thought was attractive but never got to know (and I was in my previous relationship at that time). We started chatting casually (she found me on Instagram so we’d comment on each other’s stuff, send links back and forth…), very casual and with no real thought of asking her out. In October I had bought tickets to an event in January (I had the forethought to get two, just in case something interesting was going on by then; you are your own best ally), and about a week out I asked her if she’d like to come along, and she did.

We dated for two months and it was great. It ended and it bummed me the hell out, but in retrospect I was pushing too much for the relationship to be “more” (by then I’d had way more “serious relationship” experience than casual dating; you are your own worst enemy) and she wasn’t on the same page, so it was for the best. Nothing gets you back on the horse like dating a smoking hot babe who shares your interests and also challenges you.

After that I got back on the apps just looking to talk with people and go on dates and see where things went from there. I’d be on for a few weeks, drop it either because I got involved with someone or got bored of it, then back on later. Talked with lots of people, went on a bunch of dates, had wholesome fun, naughty fun, wondered what I ever saw in some of them, got bit one time, learned more about myself and what I want/need.

I eventually decided I wanted to try finding something serious again (to the point of breaking off the naughtiest of the naught fun, just because we both I knew by then that was all it would be; great to be on the same page, regardless of what page that is).

So I got back in the apps (this was a year into COVID, so hard to meet people otherwise). Found someone, started talking, got ghosted, took a few weeks off in disgust, got back on, found my eventual girlfriend who I now live with.

So in a sense there is no “ready”; you just do as you feel up for and navigate from there. The most stereotypical advice is really the best here: Just live your life, indulge your interests, explore new ones, and see who comes along on the way. Good luck.

 

[Marc Morfei]

Went through a divorce about 15 years ago, and I was about your age at the time. Was single for 3 years then got re-married. This one's looking permanent.

I dated steadily during the 3 years I was single. On one hand, it was great. In some ways really great. You will find that grown up men in the 35-50 year age range, who have their act together, are HIGHLY in demand. It was somewhat of a revelation. Generally speaking, 40 year old women are not looking for the same things from a man as 25 year old women.

But as others have hinted at already, this is the golden opportunity to work on yourself. To really be reflective. To really think about what went wrong, and why, and what part you should take the blame for. Be painfully honest with yourself. Everyone can be a better person. Now is the chance to become one, so you don't repeat the same mistakes. And so you can offer the very best version of yourself to the next person.

Ending a long term relationship is sad. But it is also a very valuable opportunity.

 

[OmegaWoods]

@naveed211, either congratulations or condolences. It's never easy, regardless, but it's healthy to talk about it, especially with those who simultaneously care about you and also don't know who you are.

Honestly, I think it depends on how much mental preparation you've done during the final stages of your relationship and how certain you are that you've identified the root cause of your previous relationship failure so that it doesn't happen again. Also, it depends on what you're looking for when you go looking again. Companionship, physical satisfaction, friendship, long-term partnership? Some of those, you may be ready right away; others, no so much.

 

[Cpb2020]

I wouldn’t know personally as I’ve been in the same relationship for nearly 28 years now.

But, as an outsider seeing a significant number of close friends go through it, the ones where they knew the relationship was over for years were “ready” from day one (that doesn’t mean that they didn’t have missteps).

The ones that were blindsided and/or had kids took much longer.

One thing that they all learned (some the hard way), is to sniff out the ones with dealbreaker flaws early on (e.g., significant amounts of debt; restraining orders; etc.) as folks nearing their 40s are less likely to change than someone in their early 20s, and you don’t want to invest too heavily from an emotional standpoint in someone before finding those things out.

 

[Opt_234]

real talk, it took about 8 years to get over it.

my 20s are basically a blur because i was depressed all the time.

still miss the girl, tangentally cross paths now and then (my best female friend is close with her). i dont want a relationship with her anymore, but more in a nostialgic way. she was (once upon a time) a really awesome chick

LSD and therapy finaly pulled me ut of it

 

[Dostradamas]

We were together over 10 years, split up in 07' and I have been single since.

 

[Happy Enchilada]

Every situation is different. I got divorced while living in Vegas because she was "the cheatin' kind," so I just did a swan dive into the pool of available women, which wasn't necessarily the best idea I ever had. Then I ended up moving to Boise, where the pool is much more shallow, so I cooled my jets and got more selective. Turned out OK - found a great gal, got married, raised 2 Eagle Scouts ...

From my personal experience and from watching friends go through this, I firmly believe that there should be a 2-year waiting period before any "serious" (i.e., leading to a "relationship") dating should occur. Meantime, all bets are off ...

 

[buster poser]

There's always the writings of Jordan Peterson. <ducks/>

My guess is OP is trying to attract vs repel new partners

 

[BigDaddyLH]

My guess is OP is trying to attract vs repel new partners

I meant it as opposed to ever being with a woman again.