Less than supportive partners/family members...

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by srblue5, Jun 14, 2021.

  1. oregomike

    oregomike Tele-Meister

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    Sounds like she has some unresolved regret with quitting her own music path, and might have some resentment that you are pursuing your own. That needs to be addressed ASAP. Whether or not she enjoys music anymore (have no idea how that's even possible), she should be supportive in your endeavors. That's part of marriage.
    If it's your passion, don't let anyone take that from you or (speaking from experience) you'll find yourself 20 years later kicking your ass because you listened to the wrong people and are now playing catch up for all those years you let your music passion take a back seat. Talk it out. See a couples therapist, whatever. But resolve it or it will be a point of contention that just grows as years go by. Guaranteed. Good luck.
     
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  2. Skyhook

    Skyhook Tele-Meister

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    "A good compromise makes everybody unhappy."
     
  3. Cali Dude

    Cali Dude Tele-Afflicted

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    You must be kidding, right? I certainly hope you are. It is highly inappropriate to call someone a Narcissist on a public forum ( unless you are trained in the field of Psychology, which I am .). :)
     
  4. Mpd2378

    Mpd2378 TDPRI Member

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    Just play your music and don't involve her, she's not interested so why keep trying to involve her?
    If she's critical of your playing, shut the door yourself and use this as your time/space alone.
    However if she's still having a go at you just dump her and move on, life is too short to surround yourself with miserable/negative people.
    Also maybe toughen yourself up a bit?

    I'm sure she won't be the only person who you'll come across who won't like your music/guitar or whatever.
     
  5. bender66

    bender66 Poster Extraordinaire

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    What kind of relationship thrives when one constantly undermines whatever passion the other pursues?

    My ex used to do things similar. When I was playing guitar she would chop me at the knees later. There were other insults about other things. Those things are issues she had, not with anything to do with guitar, exercise, appearances, etc. She was unhappy in her own life & took it out on me. It was something I brought up many times. Nothing constructive ever came out of those discussions. She would acknowledge that it was her own self after some time.

    My relationship was a horrible cycle of repeating this scenario weekly. Get therapy or cut loose.
     
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  6. Thebluesman

    Thebluesman Tele-Holic

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    walk.....since both of you are headed in different directions.
    she won't change...neither will you...
    incompatible..
     
  7. chezdeluxe

    chezdeluxe Poster Extraordinaire

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    So you are willing to accept the bald assertions of the OP without reservation. Would it be highly inappropriate to suggest that as someone "trained in the field of psychology" you might reflect on the possibility that you really need to hear the other side of this story before coming to a conclusion. Or are your biases on display?
     
  8. Cali Dude

    Cali Dude Tele-Afflicted

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    Certainly in a professional setting ,if treating the couple, I would want both sides of the story, the history, the context. However, here, the O/P is the solo client. He is not showing clear, overt signs of Narcissism. He is voicing a concern related to his personal experience in this relationship. Our job is not to label and judge, but to encourage, build up, and understand. Anyone who appears to be on the receiving end of emotional neglect or abuse does need support to make a good decision about their life circumstances.
     
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  9. trev333

    trev333 Telefied Ad Free Member

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    I guess being Musicians and not relationship Councillors... we're more curious about her professional playing career...:twisted:

    for all we know, she might have been a concert pianist in a big orchestra or a tambourine player in a revue show in vegas...

    seems odd that she has become anti music for some reason?...o_O
     
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  10. chezdeluxe

    chezdeluxe Poster Extraordinaire

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    Trev maybe she is simply anti the "music" of the OP. And guess what. She may have good reason. But hey I am not going in to bat for the OP on the strength of his whine.
     
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  11. trev333

    trev333 Telefied Ad Free Member

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    are you thinking he might be a Jazz guitar player?....o_O:lol::lol:
     
  12. Cyberi4n

    Cyberi4n Tele-Meister

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    My wife rarely supports my musical endeavours and is indifferent about anything I try to do musically. She’s very much ‘if I don’t want to do it I won’t’. A prime example is Star Wars. She has ZERO interest in it, and therefore simply refuses to watch it. I can’t see the point in being that stubborn tbh - but that’s how she is.

    the net result is that over time divides appear, sides are taken, positions are solidified. And pretty soon you find that the person you’re with is a stranger.

    if it wasn’t for my child and my mortgage I’d have long since moved on.
     
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  13. beagle

    beagle Friend of Leo's

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    Maybe your music just sucks when listened to by a professional musician?
     
  14. bettyseldest

    bettyseldest Friend of Leo's

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    These things are never straightforward.

    Unlike me, my ex was talented. When she sang the hairs on the back of your neck would stand up, and her guitar playing was way better than mine, though she had no idea how she played the things she did, it just happened, she did not know the names of the chords or the notes she played, she could not analyse it. She would always tell me that I could not sing, and my playing was ham fisted. Though that is not the reason we broke up, there were many other issues.

    A few years ago she and her new partner started coming to a few of our gigs, and when my daughter asked my band to play at her wedding reception she wrote to say how happy she was that we were playing, and wished that she was able to enjoy performing as much as I obviously did. I'm sure that they would have spent the evening dancing to the band, had she not thrown two drinks over the groom an hour before we were due to go on. I did mention that there were other issues.

    My current partner of over twenty years is very supportive of my musical endeavours, has an unrealistically high opinion of my abilities, turns up to every gig, and is happy for me to take the band to France for a few days every year.

    We are living through strange times. My wife suffers from anxiety, which has brought on OCD. She has been diagnosed and is finally getting professional help. The last sixteen months have been a living hell for her, and no fun for me. I would like to be more supportive, but often fail. I hope that the professional help will fully address her anxiety issues, and we will better enjoy the coming years, but I know that our relationship could also fall apart.

    If in doubt the answer to any question always includes another Telecaster, or a Vox Pathfinder and maybe a Joyo American Sound.
     
  15. scottser

    scottser Friend of Leo's

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    see how she feels when you introduce her to a girl 10 years younger than her, who LOVES going to see you play..

    also, start writing songs about other girls.
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2021
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  16. naveed211

    naveed211 Friend of Leo's

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    I can sympathize with this in some ways.

    My wife supports my desire to make music and doesn’t make a big deal out of my guitar obsession.

    My wife doesn’t share my same excitement for the band experience of music. She doesn’t like being in bars and gets jealous if females talk to the band after shows. Doesn’t like the idea of extended tours though I haven’t been in the situation where that’s happened since before we met, just that it could be a possibility.

    I try to express its not a big deal and put perspective on it, my bands haven’t been big rock stars with groupies by any stretch of the imagination.

    You just have to stand up for what you want to do in life. It’s disappointing if your sig. other isn’t in lock step with everything you do, but if you have enough things you like about each other outside of your main hobby, it can still be good overall.
     
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  17. naveed211

    naveed211 Friend of Leo's

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    I appreciate your candor.

    I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t in your position a number of times over the years, or that those feelings don’t still creep in at times.
     
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  18. chulaivet1966

    chulaivet1966 Tele-Afflicted

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    Howdy all....

    To the OP....the above is pretty much my take.

    My wife (of 34 years) has always supported my desires and interest with my music.
    If I actually need a device she'll have absolutely no problem with that investment.

    Regarding originals, my playing or practicing and all the time I spend over the decades fleshing out ideas/writing/recording?
    If she happens to hear a work in progress she'll say....."yeah, that sounds good, I like it".
    In truth....she actually couldn't care less about hearing my finished material....it's been that way since we've been together.
    It's just not that interesting to her and I accept that without feeling my ego is bruised.
    Its never discourage me in the slightest.
    Lots of people aren't going to like our music efforts or want to hear us practicing the same song ad nauseum.

    She likes the oldies, easy listening stuff...I'm more "4 on the floor" R/R oriented which she likes too.
    But....I don't expect to her to like what I write, shower me with patronizing fluff just because I'm her husband and I wrote it.
    As far as coming to the gigs I'd play....I don't need that either and prefer she not come.
    I'm at work and I don't want her there anyway.

    On the flip side of things....she has her interests that I find dull, uninteresting that I couldn't care less about.
    No biggie....and it has no impact on us as a couple.

    I have no preconceived expectations from anyone in any context.
    No one owes us anything in life, support or otherwise....it's nothing personal.
    So...we just strive to surround ourselves with those of like minds/interests.

    But....that's just me.

    OP...good luck on your quest to reconcile it all.

    Have a great day....
     
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2021
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  19. dougstrum

    dougstrum Friend of Leo's

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    Going on 45 yrs, early on this phrase became part of our lexicon, truth with a bit of humor.
    ~you knew it when you married me~

    We have our common interests and also separate interests, which we encourage and support.
    Sounds like your situation doesn't have a balanced give and take~
     
  20. northernguitar

    northernguitar Friend of Leo's

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    Set up a headphone rig. Our partners are not responsible for our happiness, we are.
     
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