Jokes you like to tell (and maybe hear)

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by getbent, May 21, 2018.

  1. getbent

    getbent Telefied Silver Supporter

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    The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

    The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

    "I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

    The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

    Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

    Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

    Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

    The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

    "Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

    Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor's desk.

    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

    "Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

    "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
     
  2. Toto'sDad

    Toto'sDad Telefied Ad Free Member

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    Man, I wish I was that kind of grandpa! :D
     
  3. beyer160

    beyer160 Friend of Leo's

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    What's the difference between a monitor engineer and a toilet?

    A toilet can only take crap from one a-hole at a time.
     
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  4. brookdalebill

    brookdalebill Tele Axpert Ad Free Member

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    I’ll make this sorta generic.
    What’s the difference between (pick your target), or better yet, I’ll make myself the target.
    What’s the difference between brookdalebill and a flounder.
    Punch line, Ones a cold, slimy bottomfeeder, and the other is a fish.
    Ba-dump.
    Still like the joke.
     
    Last edited: May 21, 2018
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  5. drf64

    drf64 Poster Extraordinaire

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    Bob goes on vacation for a few weeks and leaves his cat with his brother, Dave.
    After a few days, he calls Dave and asks how his cat is doing. Dave tells him, “I’m sorry, but the cat died.”
    Bob gets angry and says, “How could you just break it to me like that, Dave? You knew I loved that cat! I’m not coming home for another week, you should have said something like, ‘The cat is on the roof and we can’t get it down,’ then the next day I’d call back and you’d say, ‘We got the cat down, but the vet says she’s in bad shape, she may not make it,’ and then the third day I’d call and THEN you’d tell me the cat had died. That way it wouldn’t come as such a shock and I’d have been able to build myself up to deal with it!”
    "I'm sorry, Bob" said Dave. "I should have known how much that cat meant to you."
    Bob, feeling a little remorse about being so harsh, said “I’m sorry for snapping at you like that, Dave, but you know how sudden tragedy is worse than a gradual build up… Anyway, so how’s Mom?”

    Dave hesitated. "Uh, Bob....uh....mom's......on the roof......"
     
  6. SixStringSlinger

    SixStringSlinger Friend of Leo's Silver Supporter

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    Not exactly a joke, but it's got a punchline (you decide).

    I heard this as a story told by Abraham Lincoln. I got this from the "Lincoln" movie, and while I haven't independently confirmed if it's true (the story itself, or that Lincoln told it), it's a good one. It may also be in the book "Team of Rivals" (which the film was largely based on), but I don't remember.

    ANYWAY

    It'a shortly after the Revolutionary War, and Ethan Allen goes to England as an ambassador of sorts to negotiate this or that. The English (perhaps predictably) sneer at and make fun of him for being an uncouth American colonist hick.

    While there, Allen is invited to a dinner at the home of an English lord. The host and guests eat, drink and converse, and eventually Allen needs use of the facilities. While there, he notices a portrait of George Washington hanging right above the toilet. It's obviously meant as an insult, putting ol' George right where you crap when you have an American guest over, and the lord must have been waiting all night for this moment.

    Allen gets back to the party and doesn't say a word about it, and his host just can't take it anymore. He finally asks if Allen had noticed the portrait, and Allen replies that he had. Well, did he think it was appropriately located? Yes, he did.

    The English lord is astonished at this. Appropriate? George Washington's portrait in a bathroom, hanging above a toilet?? Unthinkable that an American should think such a thing!

    Allen reiterates that, yes, he thought that was the perfect spot, and that the portrait would perform an important service there. "The whole world knows nothing will make an Englishman sh*t quicker than the sight of George Washington."

    It's worth watching the movie just to see Daniel Day-Lewis as Lincoln telling that story.
     
  7. getbent

    getbent Telefied Silver Supporter

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    Sean is an old man, maybe 80 years old and his wife has gone missing... three days pass and the family gathers as the constabulary has been called and everyone in the little village on the bay has been searching for her.

    In the evening the constable comes by and knocks at the door, Sean answers and welcomes him in.... "Well then," Sean asks, "have you got some news about my darlin' bride of 56 years? The woman I've loved with all me heart and soul, the woman who bore me seven children and who made our house home?" "Aye Sean, I've come with bad news, good news and great news... which would you like to hear first?"

    "Start with the bad news first, then the good and if you've got great news, that'd be last."

    "Well, the bad news is that Mrs. O'Malley fell in the bay and she drowned."
    "Aye, that is bad news"
    "The good news is that when we found her and pulled her up, there 18 of the biggest lobsters we've seen since the early 60's attached to her! They are amazin' and we have deigned to believe we'll share half the catch with you since she was your love."
    "Wow! That is good news indeed! What, then, is the great news?"
    "Well, sir, we plan to pull her up again tomorrow."
     
  8. beyer160

    beyer160 Friend of Leo's

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    Here's a political joke with the politics removed. It works either way.

    Many years ago, a man running for president came to speak at the local Grange hall. This was the biggest thing to happen in town in as long as anyone could remember, so the whole town came out. The presidential candidate pulled out all the stops, and gave a fire and brimstone political speech for the ages. Everyone was clapping and cheering except for one man. The candidate figured he had the crowd in the palm of his hand, so he decided to have a little fun.

    "Now I see you all like what I have to say, except maybe for that one man over there. You sir! Can I count on your vote in November?"

    "No, sir" the man replied. Nervous laughter broke out in the hall. The candidate smiled, and asked;

    "Well, can I ask you why not?"

    "My daddy was a (insert political party here), my daddy's daddy was a (insert political party here), and his daddy was a (insert political party here), so that makes me a (insert political party here) too." the man said.

    "Oh, I see!" the candidate said, smiling extra wide. "So if your daddy, grandaddy and great granddaddy were all jackasses, would you be a jackass, too?"

    "Oh no, sir" the man replied. "In that case I'd be a (insert other political party here), same as you."
     
  9. Finck

    Finck Tele-Afflicted

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    That's a famous joke here in Brazil, but we have a cow instead of a cat... It's a bonus when you think about the cow on the roof...
     
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  10. Rythameen

    Rythameen Tele-Meister

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    Did you know dogs can't operate an MRI machine but cats can.......
     
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  11. eclecticsynergy

    eclecticsynergy Tele-Afflicted

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    Bob, a very wealthy 70-year-old widower, shows up at the County Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and sexy 25-year-old blonde. With her youthful sex appeal and charm, she hangs on to Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all amazed.

    At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

    They are surprised but continue to ask, "How in the world did you persuade a woman like that to marry you?"

    "I lied about my age," Bob replies.

    "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" they asked.

    Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 95."
     
  12. eclecticsynergy

    eclecticsynergy Tele-Afflicted

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    Just posted this one to another forum last night...

    A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
    The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours."
    The guy left.

    A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
    The guy left.

    A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."
    The guy left.

    The barber turned to his friend and said, "Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back."

    A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

    The barber asked, "So, where does he go when he leaves?"

    Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

    "Your house!"
     
  13. eclecticsynergy

    eclecticsynergy Tele-Afflicted

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    I asked my North Korean friend how it was there. He said he couldn't complain.
     
  14. eclecticsynergy

    eclecticsynergy Tele-Afflicted

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    An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch out on the scaffolding when the Irishman suddenly cried out, "Corned beef and cabbage! Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

    The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! Burritos every day! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

    The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get another bologna sandwich, I'm jumping too."

    The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box and saw corned beef and cabbage. Without saying a word, he ran to the edge and jumped to his death.
    The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and he jumped off, too!
    The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw bologna and jumped to his death as well.

    At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have put it in his lunchbox again!"
    The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

    The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."
     
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  15. Chud

    Chud Poster Extraordinaire

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    I learned these jokes as a young Marine over several pitchers of beer from my good friend and SOI battle buddy, Dean McCaffrey. A few years later after we’d returned from the war, Dean stumbled out into I-5 traffic outside the base and was killed. I found out only last year, and in a totally roundabout way. I recorded this video as a very late tribute to a wonderful but troubled friend.

    Slightly NSFW swearing here and there. Click at your own risk of busting a slightly NSFW gut.

     
  16. eclecticsynergy

    eclecticsynergy Tele-Afflicted

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    Another of my favorites:


    A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

    'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.

    'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I told them to leave the poor girl alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I walked over the biggest, most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, the rest of you boys better back off or I'll kick your asses too!'

    St. Peter was impressed, 'That was noble and courageous of you, my son. Tell me, when did all this this happen?'

    'About five minutes ago.'
     
  17. telleutelleme

    telleutelleme Doctor of Teleocity Silver Supporter

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    Man comes into the doctor's office with his left arm badly mangled and wrapped in a bloody towel. The room is crowded so he takes a seat. The lady next to him sees the arm and jumps up and calls for help. The nurse rushes out sees the man and says "Please come with me".

    The man says "Don't worry I can wait". The nurse believes he is in shock and calls the doctor to come out. The doctor sees the arm and says "Come with me and I'll give you a shot for the pain". The man says "Please don't make a fuss over me, this doesn't hurt. I've had real pain twice in my life and this doesn't come close." The doctor shake his head in disbelief and says" I don't see how this can't hurt".

    The man says "Once when I was out hunting I got the urge to go, so I went behind this bush to squat and I triggered a bear trap. That was the second most painful thing I ever experienced". Everyone in the room gasped and the doctor said "My goodness that's horrible, if that was the second most painful thing what was the most painful?"

    The man looked up and said "When I reached the end of the chain".
     
  18. Smokin OP

    Smokin OP Tele-Holic

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    A man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

    "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

    "My wife's."

    ''What happened to her?"

    "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

    He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

    The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

    A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men...

    The man with the espresso then asked "Can I borrow the dog?"

    The solitary man replied, "Get in line."
     
  19. LGOberean

    LGOberean Doctor of Teleocity

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    What do the Starshp Enterprise and Charmin toilet paper have in common?

    They both circle Uranus looking fir Klingons.
     
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  20. eclecticsynergy

    eclecticsynergy Tele-Afflicted

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    CURTAIN RODS

    She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and
    suitcases.

    On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

    On the third day, she sat down for the last time at 'their' beautiful
    dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music,
    and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
    springwater.

    When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited
    a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the
    curtain rods.

    She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned
    with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then,
    slowly, the house began to smell.

    They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out..

    Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

    Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to
    set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few
    days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool
    carpeting. Nothing worked.

    People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the
    house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any
    longer and decided to move.

    A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they
    could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

    Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return
    their calls.

    Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
    purchase a new place.

    The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going.

    He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and
    said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to
    reduce her divorce settlement a little in exchange for getting the house???
    Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a
    price that was about 1/10 th of what the house had been worth, but
    only if she were to sign the papers that very day

    She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

    A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched
    the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.

    And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods....
     
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