Joke for Friday

Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by blowtorch, Feb 10, 2017.

  1. Guitarteach

    Guitarteach Poster Extraordinaire

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    The mother in law has been to visit our house for Christmas the past seven years.

    Perhaps this year we won't pretend to be out when she does.
     
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  2. Tony474

    Tony474 Poster Extraordinaire Platinum Supporter

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    It was a filthy, wet, cold, horrible night when I heard the doorbell ring. I went and opened the door and standing there dripping was my mother-in-law clutching a suitcase.
    "Hello, what are you doing here?" I asked her.
    "I've come to stay here," she replied.
    "Oh, good," I said, "Stay there then" and shut the door.
     
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  3. the_lyall

    the_lyall Telepathetic

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    What do you call a dog with no legs?

    It doesn't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

    (Sorry fellow dog lovers)
     
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  4. w3stie

    w3stie Poster Extraordinaire

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    A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
     
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  5. the_lyall

    the_lyall Telepathetic

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    A woman was pregnant with triplets when she was shot three times in the abdomen. Miraculously her and all her children survived and were they were all born without any problems.

    A few years later one of her kids ran up to her shouting "MUMMY MUMMY! I went to the toilet and a bullet came out!". Now, the woman had been told this might happen, so she reassured her child that it was fine and wouldn't happen again.

    A couple of weeks later, her second kid ran up to her shouting "MUMMY MUMMY! I went to the toilet and a bullet came out!". Again, the woman reassured the child that everything was fine.

    A few weeks after that, the third kid ran up to the mother. "MUMMY MUMMY!"

    "Don't tell me" she said. "You went to the toilet and a bullet came out?"

    "No. I farted and shot the cat!"
     
  6. skippolony

    skippolony Tele-Meister

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    “Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

    The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
     
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  7. Guitarteach

    Guitarteach Poster Extraordinaire

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    What should you do if you miss your mother in law?
    Reload and try again.


    I told a friend I miss my mother in law and he recommended I try telescopic sights.
     
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  8. w3stie

    w3stie Poster Extraordinaire

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    That's funny on so many levels!
     
  9. the_lyall

    the_lyall Telepathetic

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    Deleted (possibly not suitable)
     
  10. Tony474

    Tony474 Poster Extraordinaire Platinum Supporter

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    It did make me smile, though... (It's in the notification.)
     
  11. Lake Placid Blue

    Lake Placid Blue Poster Extraordinaire

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    A three legged dog walked into a saloon. He was looking for the man that shot his paw.
     
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  12. Tony474

    Tony474 Poster Extraordinaire Platinum Supporter

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    Walking down the street, a man heard a voice: "Stop! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down and kill you."
    The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him.
    The astonished man continued walking to the pedestrian crossing.
    The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die."
    The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
    "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
    "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
    "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married last week?"
     
  13. howlin

    howlin Tele-Afflicted

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    Who wants to know?
    NO WAY!!! I was just thinking of posting that one and your version popped up a moment later.
     
  14. howlin

    howlin Tele-Afflicted

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    What did the other three Beatles say the first time John Lennon brought Yoko to the studio?


    "Oh, no!"
     
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  15. mefgames

    mefgames Tele-Afflicted

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    Okay, here we go

    What do you call a dog with no legs ?
    It doesn't matter because he ain't coming !!
     
  16. Guitarteach

    Guitarteach Poster Extraordinaire

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    I got a new stick deodorant last week. It says on the instructions, 'remove the cap and push up bottom'.

    I must say it hurts when I walk now but my farts smell nice!
     
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  17. KDAD

    KDAD Tele-Meister Ad Free Member

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    A duck walks into a drugstore, gets some Chapstick and puts in on the counter.

    The cashier asks the duck "Cash or charge?"

    "Neither" the duck replies..."Just put it on my bill."
     
  18. Kebmel

    Kebmel Tele-Afflicted

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    Funny
     
  19. Tony474

    Tony474 Poster Extraordinaire Platinum Supporter

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    Reminds me of the guy who asks the shop assistant for a deodorant.
    "Certainly, sir," replies the assistant. "Ball type or aerosol?"
    "Well, actually it's for under my arms..."
     
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  20. Deeve

    Deeve Friend of Leo's Silver Supporter

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    What button do I press to Like this twice?

    Peace - Deeve
     
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