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Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by blowtorch, Feb 10, 2017.
Where can a one legged waitress find a job?
^ Sorry again - I really like drummers, one is in my top 10 of favourite musicians; Bill Bruford.
A terrorist who moonlights as a taxi driver:
My wife uses oral contraceptive. It's 100% effective.
I ask. She says no.
You know how geese fly in a big "V" right? You ever notice how one side or row of the V is longer than the other?! Do you know why?!
Because there's more geese in that row dummy.
This guy is having a ten-mile run of bad luck. First of all his wife leaves him for another man, then he loses his job, falls behind with his mortgage payments and gets evicted. The car that he's been sleeping in is repossessed, he gets mugged for his Martin guitar while he's busking for food money and his dog runs away. He wanders the streets in deep depression, wondering if things can get any worse when he sees a monastery with a sign on the wall advertising for trainee monks.
Why not? he thinks and rings the bell. Within five minutes he's having an interview with the abbot.
'There's just one thing,' says the abbot, 'this is a silent order and you may only speak two words a year. If you're willing to accept this then you are welcome to join us.'
The guy thinks for a second, agrees, and begins his service.
A year goes by and he's summoned to the abbot's office.
'Well, my son, you have completed your first 12 months and may speak your two words - what would you like to say?'
The guy rubs the back of his neck and says: 'Bed hard'.
The abbot makes a note of the gripe and says: 'Thank you, my son, I will see you next year.'
Another 12 months pass and the guy is summoned to the abbot's office again.
'You may now speak your two words, my son.'
The guy thinks for a second or two and says: 'Cell cold.'
The abbot sighs, makes another note and dismisses him for another year.
The next anniversary comes around and once again the guy is invited to say his two-word piece.
'Food horrible,' is the reply.
This time the abbot scowls, writes down the complaint and waves him out.
The fourth year passes and the guy is up in front of the abbot again.
'What do you want to say this time?' he groans.
The guy throws his cell key on the desk and says: 'I QUIT.'
'Thank the Lord for that,' says the abbot, 'you've done nothing but moan ever since you came here.'
I went around my friends the other day to see their new baby, the proud new mum asked if i'd like to wind the baby.
I thought that was a bit harsh so i gave it a dead leg instead.
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator." Some old men can still think fast!!
Three guys are at the top of the Empire State Building. One says to the stranger in the group 'did you know that if you fall off this, you gain so much momentum that the wind catches you and puts you back up here...’
'Rubbish. That can't be true, otherwise we'd see it all the time.'
'Nah, its true.. watch'
And he jumps off. Sure enough in 30 seconds he's back on the observation deck.
The first guy says: that's incredible! Why don't I know that?
The second guy says, well they keep it quiet otherwise everyone would do it. ’
And he does it again
The third guy just stand there
The first guy says 'well I'm doing that!'
He jumps off and falls to his death.
Bruce. Wayne turns and says ,'that's it Clark Kent. No more drinking for you'
A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger boobs'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your boobs for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my boobs bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.
All right, here's one which I think it depicts all of us guitar players - please, don't tell me otherwise
Q: How many guitar players are needed to change a light bulb?
A: Twenty: one of them stands on a table and changes the light bulb. The other nineteen guitarists look at him, and each one of them thinks: "I could do it better".
A man goes to the doctor and tells him "I think I'm obsessed with Tom Jones. Is this commonplace?" The doctor says "It's not unusual".
What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil?
You wouldn't pay to have a lentil on your face.
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
Lies, all lies!
So a guy thinks his wife is cheating on him. He arranges with his work to leave very early and spring her. He runs up the stairs bursts through the door and there's his wife, alone but with a camisole on and messy hair. Getting really angry he races to the window and sees a man doing up his belt running away from the unit.
In a fit of rage the man turns and goes to the kitchen, rips the refrigerator out of the wall carries it to the window and throws it at the man running away. It hits him and kills him instantly.
The strain and the anger causes a massive and fatal heart attack.
At the pearly gates, St. Peter calls out: next.
'How did you die ?'
'In a fit of jealous rage, I threw a refrigerator at a man I thought was cheating with my wife'
'Ok. In you go. Next! How did you die?'
'I'd overslept and was running late for my bus and as I was running to the bus, from out of nowhere a fridge hit me?'
'Ok, in you go. Next! How did you die?'
'There I was, naked cold and frightened, hiding in a fridge...'
Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris,
to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table,
asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it,
and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business
"My wife just got back from Poole."
"Yes, she spoke very highly of the place."
I've just joined a reggae band as a triangle player. Should be pretty easy really - I just have to stand at the back and ting.
I will admit I don't get it. I suspect it's a pun. Help please!