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Discussion in 'Bad Dog Cafe' started by blowtorch, Feb 10, 2017.
My wife went to the Caribbean.
No, she went of her own accord.
Take my wife. Please.
My dog has no nose.
How does he smell?
What do you call a girl that catches butterflies?..... Annette.
What do you call a girl who sets fire to all her bills instead of paying them?.... Bernadette.
BILL POSTERS WILL BE PROSECUTED
Who the hell is Bill Posters and what did he do?
What do you call a woman with one leg?
What do you call a man with a shovel?
What do you call a man without a shovel?
...Reminds me of the surreal variation on Rik Mayall and Ade Edmonson's ''Bottom'':
SPUDGUN (trying to start the joke): 'My wife's gone to the West Indies.'
EDDIE (ruining it): 'I didn't know that.'
SPUDGUN: ....'Yeah, she went last Thursday.'
A bus load of terrapins crashed into a concert hall full of tortoises... it was a Turtle Disaster
Two blondes were talking. 'I slept with a Brazilian!' one said.
'Oh you absolute slut' her friend replied....'How many is that?'
If you are going to make fun of me, at least have the courage to mention me by name!
Then there was Sammy the Snail who was so tired of moving slowly that he bought a red sports car with a big S for Sammy painted on the hood. When he zipped by people excalimed in shock, "look at that S car go!"
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. Nice bike, the cop said. Did Santa bring it to you? Yep, the little girl said, he sure did! The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a 5 dollar ticket for a safety violation and said, Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it. The young girl looked up at the cop and said, Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you? Yes, he sure did, chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at the cop and said, Next year, tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top!
Assistant: 'Next customer.'
Customer: 'Fish and chips twice, to take out, please.
Assistant: 'You're a drummer, aren't you?'
Customer: 'Why yes I am - how could you tell?'
Assistant: 'This is a shoe shop.'
(with sincere apologies to drummers everywhere!)
If I had 50p for every mathematics exam I've failed, I'd have £2.30
How do you transform a duck into a soul singer?
You cook it in the over until its bill withers.
'Aim for the stars,'
... just take care of their bodyguards first!
"Hey, your printer is making music!!"
"Damn. It's jamming again"
Hey. I'm a drummer! I don't get it?
I had a really huge bowl of alphabet spaghetti earlier today.
I've just had a vowel movement.